they died, had trees to hang their hope
so, i found a great something corporate picture on the 'i can read' tumblr that i always steal images/messages off of for my blog (see the last, i don't know, dozen entries or so) and matt asked for a bigger image, which i couldn't find.
my first instinct was, oh, i will just put together something almost identical on photoshop with one of my cloud pictures and then i stopped in my tracks. i keep forgetting that all of my photos, for the most part, are gone. i have greece, a good number of pictures from 2007 (pre-dslr) and then what i have taken in the last ten days or so. that's it. ironically, all of 2008 is gone. it is like all of the moments, the memory, the beauty is gone. maybe if i let go of the good things i will be more able to let go of the bad as well. now, virtually, all of 2008 is gone. maybe that is not such a bad thing after all.
my first instinct was, oh, i will just put together something almost identical on photoshop with one of my cloud pictures and then i stopped in my tracks. i keep forgetting that all of my photos, for the most part, are gone. i have greece, a good number of pictures from 2007 (pre-dslr) and then what i have taken in the last ten days or so. that's it. ironically, all of 2008 is gone. it is like all of the moments, the memory, the beauty is gone. maybe if i let go of the good things i will be more able to let go of the bad as well. now, virtually, all of 2008 is gone. maybe that is not such a bad thing after all.
going nowhere, at full speed
and i have traveled far
i've seen things that i'd rather not say
when you're traveling, it's better that way
the darker the secret, the harder you'll keep it
but it's no victory always running away like i do
i've seen things that i'd rather not say
when you're traveling, it's better that way
the darker the secret, the harder you'll keep it
but it's no victory always running away like i do
dear you,
i can't do this. i've told you a dozen times, but this time i'm going to be definitive. i can't be with you. i can't live with myself, and i have no idea where my mind will be even fifteen minutes from now, and i can't let anyone in. i'm trying, and i'm failing. i know this is going to hurt you, but i have to do it now. i can't lead you on. i will not lead you on. i am not capable of being with anyone. hell, i'll even throw in the good ol' standby - it's not you, it's me. it really is. i can't even imagine someone treating me as well as you have, but you are already in so deep and i'm way too hesitant about anyone, everyone, everything. i'm not great, and i've tried to tell you that...and this is why i was persistant. this was coming, as much as you wanted it not to and tried to quiet me into submission. i don't know what kind of masochistic tendencies you must have to have even dealt with me already, but i can't let it go on - it will hurt you and me. i don't know if we can just be friends. i know that you are going to always want to be more than that. unfortunately, this note doesn't have a nice little definitive ending. no neat bow to tie it all up together into a pristine little package. i fucked up. i'm fucked up. i can't.
-me
say anything, but say what you mean
cause i'm caught in suspension.
so, i just had a wonderfully productive afternoon, only to be cut short by a huge disappointment. i am about to walk to reuben's to meet up with april and martha, but let's see what kind of a diatribe i can pump out in five minutes.
basically, i reapplied for the RA position, and i just found out that i did not get it. my interview went very well, and i asked if they wanted any other information from me, and they didn't. i didn't go through the formal process since i was not here in the fall, but since i was going to be one of the seven RHDs, it seemed absolutely absurd that i would not be at least an RA if i returned to millsaps. getting RA would be a step down from the position i would have been holding this semester, but i didn't even get that. imagine being the manager of something, leaving, coming back, and not even getting a part-time position doing the same thing.
i was doing more, and you gave it to me. i have come back, proven that i am back and ready, and you still don't get it to me. i know that there were a ton of positions available, like 13, so it's not like it was even as competitive as when i got it the first time - when i was one of five new girls let onto the staff. this is ridiculous. i am so, so, so upset. i needed this job. i love this job. i needed the money, and i liked doing it. i had the best hall on freshman side, best attendance, least room transfers, least violations, best involvement, and somehow that isn't good enough? i actually did all my programs, unlike many people, always did paperwork on time, was always there when i was on duty and most times even when i was not, and still, this. i am horribly disappointed and upset. now, something that should have been close to a set deal has turned into an ordeal, and i'm not even completely settled into a routine and i'm being thrown into the ring, trying to figure out what i will do for next year.
i guess that was all i could get out in five minutes. more later, i'm sure.
so, i just had a wonderfully productive afternoon, only to be cut short by a huge disappointment. i am about to walk to reuben's to meet up with april and martha, but let's see what kind of a diatribe i can pump out in five minutes.
basically, i reapplied for the RA position, and i just found out that i did not get it. my interview went very well, and i asked if they wanted any other information from me, and they didn't. i didn't go through the formal process since i was not here in the fall, but since i was going to be one of the seven RHDs, it seemed absolutely absurd that i would not be at least an RA if i returned to millsaps. getting RA would be a step down from the position i would have been holding this semester, but i didn't even get that. imagine being the manager of something, leaving, coming back, and not even getting a part-time position doing the same thing.
i was doing more, and you gave it to me. i have come back, proven that i am back and ready, and you still don't get it to me. i know that there were a ton of positions available, like 13, so it's not like it was even as competitive as when i got it the first time - when i was one of five new girls let onto the staff. this is ridiculous. i am so, so, so upset. i needed this job. i love this job. i needed the money, and i liked doing it. i had the best hall on freshman side, best attendance, least room transfers, least violations, best involvement, and somehow that isn't good enough? i actually did all my programs, unlike many people, always did paperwork on time, was always there when i was on duty and most times even when i was not, and still, this. i am horribly disappointed and upset. now, something that should have been close to a set deal has turned into an ordeal, and i'm not even completely settled into a routine and i'm being thrown into the ring, trying to figure out what i will do for next year.
i guess that was all i could get out in five minutes. more later, i'm sure.
from a distance
i just spent the last forty five minutes walking around belhaven taking pictures and listening to my zen on shuffle. i should hopefully upload the photos after dinner, but for those of you who haven't ever checked out my flickr and are looking for something to aid in your procrastination, go here -
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wisheswashedaway/
outline of a weekend
i guess i feel obligated to talk about my weekend.
thursday, i had chapter for the first time in a long time. i hate how my days are segmented. junior seminar from nine until ten, seneca from ten until eleven fifteen, archaeology from two forty five until four, and then chapter at six. this thursday, however, i also was supposed to go to one to one studios at nine to meet josh hailey. allison purves was also looking into the internship, so we headed over together.
i felt like a complete outsider, and being sober as the only stranger in a room full of people who know each other is kind of unnerving. especially when the person who is the reason you are there has not arrived yet. we chatted a bit about our semesters and growing discomfort in a new environment, but i think i felt a bit more at ease once the music started.
i ended up seeing a good number of people i knew, including jeff, one of my favorite regulars when i still worked at starbucks, the new religious studies teacher who stole meagan malone's identity, grant, who i had still not seen since i was back, melanie, and erin (though i'm not sure of the spelling on the last two). met josh and a few other people, and ultimately our out was granted when the guy working the door said we should just come back during the day some time and we had more work to do, so we headed back. martha left right as i was getting back on campus, and since we didn't sync up i kind of abandoned her. i just ended up hanging out with sam and james and listening to a file i got with a pretty amazing little diddy in it.
went to sleep, woke up to study for greek at 730, finished my roman legacy reading for friday a good chunk of monday's reading during the hour i had to kill after finishing studying and my class at ten. greek and roman legacy both went really well, and i finally feel like i'm getting my ~groove back in the classroom. i'm not as intimidating walking in every day, which is nice. then kava for a while with martha, whitney, april, david and jordan. then back to april's room for a bit, then i tried to escape for a nap, only to be talked into studying outside with sam. i finished the rest of my livy reading, then went back, took a short nap, then reuben's with martha and april. irene was working, so we chatted with her for a bit, too.
got dressed, then april came over and we drank a bit before melanie and martha came to pick us up. we went to martin's, which was dead, and only stayed for a little while before heading over to fenian's, which was packed. travis' band was playing, and a ton of people turned out. the crowd definitely thinned out as the night went on, and we were there until last call. stephanie, her boyfriend, and whitney's friend from home, rob, where there, too. it was really a good time, though i was pretty quiet. i kind of talked to april about why i am so quiet these days, and i think it helped being able to chat about it. i don't want to hide behind alcohol to be social, so i'm trying to ease myself back into the situation, and so far, so good. i saw kevin, jimmy, a bunch of old people i would always see around the lambda chi house, and josh downer. stephanie drove april and i back to campus after we walked to ava's, where i finally called it a night. i woke up at 7:30, again, and sat around on the computer and watching tv until i finally fell back asleep around 9:30. slept until around eleven, when april called to go to waffle house with whitney.
i have only been to waffle house twice before in my life, so i guess this was the charmed third time. ava showed up as we were finishing up, so we all just chatted about the night before and our day ahead. gas, beer, and a liquor run later, april and i headed back to whitney's to watch the memphis/tennessee game. it wasn't showing on tv, so rob rigged the computer up to the tv to stream it online. it took a bit more effort than it was worth, however. josh downer texted me about meeting for coffee, which had completely slipped my mind, but i was stuck at the apartment since i hadn't driven there. after the game, april, ava, and i headed back home, where i checked my e-mail only to leave shortly thereafter for thai food.
james had never had thai food before, so it was an interesting experience. the thai iced tea, which was basically bubble tea minus the boba, was fantastic. we went to bops afterwards, since i always tend to get ice cream after thai food for some odd reason, and then back to the room. then i sat in my room, listening to all-american rejects, blonde redhead, and fleet foxes on shuffle, haha. i decided not to go back to whitney's for margaritas, which was probably a solid choice with the red curry and strawberry cheesecake concrete in my stomach. i don't have much of a stomach for tequila these days anyway. except trudy's margaritas. those are the shit. lethal, but amazing.
i passed out, woke up at 10:45, really confused, watched supernatural online, and then went back to sleep. i woke up again at 5:45 and at 8, then finally went back to sleep until 10. i read for a while, started getting my life organized in latin and greek (a different binder for my word lists, and a notebook for my notes. class discussion, and bits of translation - it will be SO much better now). i had an amazing bagel for lunch, then nick came over with coffee at around 1:30. just sat around, listening to mae, laying in bed, tenatively trying to figure out if we have any common ground in music. not knowing jimmy eat world is going to be a problem. and he will have to start to love andrew, or it is a no go. or at least be quiet about it if he hates it. i hate meeting new people when i know we share little to no middle ground. i gravitate towards different things than he does, and if you know me at all, i hardly talk about anything other than my music, so if we don't share it - it will be a problem.
he stayed until about 4:30, when i started updating on here, trying to sift through old memo pads. then hang out in sam's room, caf, then back here where i have been bumming around online for far too long. i was trying to cling on to the haze as i slowly slipped into clarity, and now the caffeine is finally cutting through the fog. time for greek, i suppose.
another day, another update.
thursday, i had chapter for the first time in a long time. i hate how my days are segmented. junior seminar from nine until ten, seneca from ten until eleven fifteen, archaeology from two forty five until four, and then chapter at six. this thursday, however, i also was supposed to go to one to one studios at nine to meet josh hailey. allison purves was also looking into the internship, so we headed over together.
i felt like a complete outsider, and being sober as the only stranger in a room full of people who know each other is kind of unnerving. especially when the person who is the reason you are there has not arrived yet. we chatted a bit about our semesters and growing discomfort in a new environment, but i think i felt a bit more at ease once the music started.
i ended up seeing a good number of people i knew, including jeff, one of my favorite regulars when i still worked at starbucks, the new religious studies teacher who stole meagan malone's identity, grant, who i had still not seen since i was back, melanie, and erin (though i'm not sure of the spelling on the last two). met josh and a few other people, and ultimately our out was granted when the guy working the door said we should just come back during the day some time and we had more work to do, so we headed back. martha left right as i was getting back on campus, and since we didn't sync up i kind of abandoned her. i just ended up hanging out with sam and james and listening to a file i got with a pretty amazing little diddy in it.
went to sleep, woke up to study for greek at 730, finished my roman legacy reading for friday a good chunk of monday's reading during the hour i had to kill after finishing studying and my class at ten. greek and roman legacy both went really well, and i finally feel like i'm getting my ~groove back in the classroom. i'm not as intimidating walking in every day, which is nice. then kava for a while with martha, whitney, april, david and jordan. then back to april's room for a bit, then i tried to escape for a nap, only to be talked into studying outside with sam. i finished the rest of my livy reading, then went back, took a short nap, then reuben's with martha and april. irene was working, so we chatted with her for a bit, too.
got dressed, then april came over and we drank a bit before melanie and martha came to pick us up. we went to martin's, which was dead, and only stayed for a little while before heading over to fenian's, which was packed. travis' band was playing, and a ton of people turned out. the crowd definitely thinned out as the night went on, and we were there until last call. stephanie, her boyfriend, and whitney's friend from home, rob, where there, too. it was really a good time, though i was pretty quiet. i kind of talked to april about why i am so quiet these days, and i think it helped being able to chat about it. i don't want to hide behind alcohol to be social, so i'm trying to ease myself back into the situation, and so far, so good. i saw kevin, jimmy, a bunch of old people i would always see around the lambda chi house, and josh downer. stephanie drove april and i back to campus after we walked to ava's, where i finally called it a night. i woke up at 7:30, again, and sat around on the computer and watching tv until i finally fell back asleep around 9:30. slept until around eleven, when april called to go to waffle house with whitney.
i have only been to waffle house twice before in my life, so i guess this was the charmed third time. ava showed up as we were finishing up, so we all just chatted about the night before and our day ahead. gas, beer, and a liquor run later, april and i headed back to whitney's to watch the memphis/tennessee game. it wasn't showing on tv, so rob rigged the computer up to the tv to stream it online. it took a bit more effort than it was worth, however. josh downer texted me about meeting for coffee, which had completely slipped my mind, but i was stuck at the apartment since i hadn't driven there. after the game, april, ava, and i headed back home, where i checked my e-mail only to leave shortly thereafter for thai food.
james had never had thai food before, so it was an interesting experience. the thai iced tea, which was basically bubble tea minus the boba, was fantastic. we went to bops afterwards, since i always tend to get ice cream after thai food for some odd reason, and then back to the room. then i sat in my room, listening to all-american rejects, blonde redhead, and fleet foxes on shuffle, haha. i decided not to go back to whitney's for margaritas, which was probably a solid choice with the red curry and strawberry cheesecake concrete in my stomach. i don't have much of a stomach for tequila these days anyway. except trudy's margaritas. those are the shit. lethal, but amazing.
i passed out, woke up at 10:45, really confused, watched supernatural online, and then went back to sleep. i woke up again at 5:45 and at 8, then finally went back to sleep until 10. i read for a while, started getting my life organized in latin and greek (a different binder for my word lists, and a notebook for my notes. class discussion, and bits of translation - it will be SO much better now). i had an amazing bagel for lunch, then nick came over with coffee at around 1:30. just sat around, listening to mae, laying in bed, tenatively trying to figure out if we have any common ground in music. not knowing jimmy eat world is going to be a problem. and he will have to start to love andrew, or it is a no go. or at least be quiet about it if he hates it. i hate meeting new people when i know we share little to no middle ground. i gravitate towards different things than he does, and if you know me at all, i hardly talk about anything other than my music, so if we don't share it - it will be a problem.
he stayed until about 4:30, when i started updating on here, trying to sift through old memo pads. then hang out in sam's room, caf, then back here where i have been bumming around online for far too long. i was trying to cling on to the haze as i slowly slipped into clarity, and now the caffeine is finally cutting through the fog. time for greek, i suppose.
another day, another update.
outline of a semester
so, for those of you who have just reentered my life, or vice versa, or who are new all together, i sat and outlined a rough outline of my life since i was last at millsaps at the end of may 2008.
at the end of the semester, i went back to austin for about a week or so to spend some time with my family before i left for greece and to travel shop and such.
then austin, back to jackson, jackson to atlanta, and atlanta to athens. i was in greece for a little over two weeks, then back to jackson.
i then moved to memphis for the summer.
about a week after moving in, i went back to jackson for jubilee jam, stayed for a week, then went back to memphis. this brings us up to the second week of june.
then, after about three or four weeks in memphis, i made the texas/warped tour circuit. memphis to austin, austin to dallas to donate blood, back to austin, then back to dallas for the show. then the fourth of july in austin, the fifth in selma, and the sixth in houston, all three texas warped dates working for invisible children.
then, i went to memphis, stayed for a while, my mom came and visited, then memphis to mobile.
mobile to birmingham, where i was for about a week.
then birmingham to jackson, back to memphis, back to jackson, then back to austin, completely moved out of my various locations. this brings us up to about a week before fall semester began.
i was in austin for a little while, visited jackson one of the first weekends of school or so, went to austin city limits, and spent more time here than i had in a very long time.
then, i went to san antonio twice in october, once with kevin to see this providence and once with my brother, chris, to go to that silly comedy show that lasted an eternity.
next, i went to dallas with sam to see jack's mannequin, then back to austin for the same show the next day with my little sister, sarah.
then, austin to new orleans, voodoo fest the next day, then jackson, then back to austin.
pretty long period in austin, then a short trip to denton to see jager, cody, and jamey, then back home.
st. louis for a week, then home to pack, then back to jackson.
which brings me up to two weeks ago, and my present location. i feel like i am missing pieces still, but those are the only trips i remember.
at the end of the semester, i went back to austin for about a week or so to spend some time with my family before i left for greece and to travel shop and such.
then austin, back to jackson, jackson to atlanta, and atlanta to athens. i was in greece for a little over two weeks, then back to jackson.
i then moved to memphis for the summer.
about a week after moving in, i went back to jackson for jubilee jam, stayed for a week, then went back to memphis. this brings us up to the second week of june.
then, after about three or four weeks in memphis, i made the texas/warped tour circuit. memphis to austin, austin to dallas to donate blood, back to austin, then back to dallas for the show. then the fourth of july in austin, the fifth in selma, and the sixth in houston, all three texas warped dates working for invisible children.
then, i went to memphis, stayed for a while, my mom came and visited, then memphis to mobile.
mobile to birmingham, where i was for about a week.
then birmingham to jackson, back to memphis, back to jackson, then back to austin, completely moved out of my various locations. this brings us up to about a week before fall semester began.
i was in austin for a little while, visited jackson one of the first weekends of school or so, went to austin city limits, and spent more time here than i had in a very long time.
then, i went to san antonio twice in october, once with kevin to see this providence and once with my brother, chris, to go to that silly comedy show that lasted an eternity.
next, i went to dallas with sam to see jack's mannequin, then back to austin for the same show the next day with my little sister, sarah.
then, austin to new orleans, voodoo fest the next day, then jackson, then back to austin.
pretty long period in austin, then a short trip to denton to see jager, cody, and jamey, then back home.
st. louis for a week, then home to pack, then back to jackson.
which brings me up to two weeks ago, and my present location. i feel like i am missing pieces still, but those are the only trips i remember.
then
drowning, just as fast as i can.but don't throw me a line,
don't reach out your hand.
cause, i'm on the brink of something beautiful
and i want to sing about it,
but i don't know where to begin.
write it in a letter,
but the words don't come out right.
trying to explain how nobody can do me like.
you don't understand how helpless
i can get since the day that we met.
oh can you feel it yet?
it's never been more perfect being alive
i've never been so satisfied. oh...
i could feel something different for the first time
heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
no chance of stopping now. i'm taking it all.
and now i'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
i remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like i did tonight.
spinning around and around until my left was my right
and up became down.
with just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
so unable to speak. oh how you made me weak.
though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
that moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
can you take me back in time remembering when you captured my heart?
over and over again.
it's never been more perfect being alive
i've never been so satisfied. Oh...
i could feel something different for the first time
heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
no chance of stopping now. i'm taking it all.
and now i'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
i remember being ready and waiting to fall just like i did tonight.
i could feel something different for the first time
heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
no chance of stopping now. i'm taking it all.
and now i'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
i remember being ready and waiting to fall just like i did tonight.
don't reach out your hand.
cause, i'm on the brink of something beautiful
and i want to sing about it,
but i don't know where to begin.
write it in a letter,
but the words don't come out right.
trying to explain how nobody can do me like.
you don't understand how helpless
i can get since the day that we met.
oh can you feel it yet?
it's never been more perfect being alive
i've never been so satisfied. oh...
i could feel something different for the first time
heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
no chance of stopping now. i'm taking it all.
and now i'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
i remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like i did tonight.
spinning around and around until my left was my right
and up became down.
with just one look you knocked me off of my feet.
so unable to speak. oh how you made me weak.
though it was a while ago, I still can recall.
that moment so ready, and waiting to fall.
can you take me back in time remembering when you captured my heart?
over and over again.
it's never been more perfect being alive
i've never been so satisfied. Oh...
i could feel something different for the first time
heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
no chance of stopping now. i'm taking it all.
and now i'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
i remember being ready and waiting to fall just like i did tonight.
i could feel something different for the first time
heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
no chance of stopping now. i'm taking it all.
and now i'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
i remember being ready and waiting to fall just like i did tonight.
and now
the sun was barely coming up,
my heart was all but slowing down.
but i could barely make out the sound.
it was my personal symphony.
striking the chords for only me.
there was a coursing all through my veins.
another chance to get away, oh.
until this empty place is filled, i’ll keep pretending.
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
these days and night blend into one,
but one more night is all i need.
another chord from the symphony.
to float above the world for now,
to lose control is bliss somehow.
and wring the color from the grey,
another chance to get away, oh.
until this empty place is filled, i’ll keep pretending.
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
all these reckless nights, have left me spinning out of control.
is there not a cure for sorrow?
all these faded lights, have made me search for something more.
will there be a new, tomorrow.
until this empty place is filled, i’ll keep pretending.
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
etymological musings
etymology. it is the best word i can think of to describe my thoughts and contemplative nature at the moment.
i am in love with the word edgy. a friend, acquaintance, influence in my life, what have you, named allison is obsessed with that word. however, i feel it is really fitting. on the verge of something new. the end of a plane of existence, of a definitive meaning. i want to be edgy. i am edgy. there is something about riding the edge, the end of something that is very liberating. regardless of jumping off or coasting on, you are still on the cusp of something.
there are people that have always been people who have deemed me "badass," "amazing," "cool," or "intimidating," but i think it is just a matter of always being on the brink of something substantial. i want to be edgy. not in the way of trying hard to impress people or be different, but always at a turning point...always with options and availability.
i am in love with the word edgy. a friend, acquaintance, influence in my life, what have you, named allison is obsessed with that word. however, i feel it is really fitting. on the verge of something new. the end of a plane of existence, of a definitive meaning. i want to be edgy. i am edgy. there is something about riding the edge, the end of something that is very liberating. regardless of jumping off or coasting on, you are still on the cusp of something.
there are people that have always been people who have deemed me "badass," "amazing," "cool," or "intimidating," but i think it is just a matter of always being on the brink of something substantial. i want to be edgy. not in the way of trying hard to impress people or be different, but always at a turning point...always with options and availability.
i should be doing my roman legacy reading, but i'm going to update instead. i am kind of sick at the moment, so my energy is proportional to how ill i am feeling at the moment.
i am becoming increasingly overwhelmed, and now only slightly discouraged. i start every morning with a cup of coffee and breakfast and at least thirty minutes with a book unrelated to my studies. every day, stepping out of my cube, ray bans on, precariously trying to balance my thermos, wristlet, zen and headphones without making a fool of myself, i turn on cell phone. then mae starts by the time i am between the christian center and murrah, then band of horses by the time i enter the caf, when i turn off my zen and grab something to eat - inevitably an omelette and whatever fruit looks most appealing that morning.
i leave the caf, pick up my newspapers, put my sunglasses back on, and turn on spinning. now i am moving with a purpose. these two songs are defining this semester, and i wish i could tell him how these two little segments of three minutes give me the courage to face each day. it doesn't matter how late i stayed up the night before studying, or how upset i was at someone the moment i fell asleep, because as soon as the opening bars slip into my consciousness, my focus is turned toward their beauty.
i am kind of in a weird place with my blog right now. my life is finally inundated with all of this new information that is ready to overflow and spill from my mind, but it is strange knowing who my audience is. it is nice to know that people read, and i want people to read, but i wish i could walk the fine line between knowing that all my words aren't disappearing into the abyss of the internet and knowing where that knowledge is ending up. i feel like i have to edit my emotions and my reflections here since i know who will be reading and considering these words. i can't be as direct or as blunt as i would like, but if i leave everything in the midst of ambiguity, then some people might get upset. i don't know. i guess i will be blunt. honesty is usually the best policy.
i have chapter in an hour. i am a little afraid, but also kind of excited. well, not about the pin attire thing. i have a feeling i'm going to be falling back on the trusty print dress, cardigan, flats situation again and again. maybe i'll wear heels. today would probably be a good day to wear heels, but i dread the walk to the caf and to the house. i am too short to live in flats, though.
i am officially going to italy this summer. france is about seventy five percent certain. greece, for a few days, is probably about sixty percent certain. the uk falls somewhere between fifty and sixty percent likelihood in my mind. i need to start researching these things, i think.
i had my first two experiences of really being thrown to the wolves again in the last thirty six hours. first, i had my interview to try and earn back my position as a RA yesterday afternoon, and i was really nervous. i always feel like i am in an interrogation room walking into an interview - all cinematic, too. in my mind, even though i know it is irrational, i almost picture the lights out except for a dim spotlight over my head and the interviewers sitting in the shadow, jumping out at my at inopportune times. i don't ever feel prepared, hence the anxiety. it is absurd how far my mind warps things out of context and how irrational some of my fears are. today, i had a quiz in archaeology. i have no background in anthropology, so i wasn't really sure what to expect, but i think i did okay. at least i know what to expect next time.
in terms of romance and relationships, i need to be alone. i don't want to be alone forever, and it is nice to know that i have options, or an option, which is encouraging, but i am not ready to be with anyone. well, if that person can take care of me, i could let someone in. but this person can't be broken, they can't be like me. our shared common ground needs to be over positive things and progressive ideas, not history steeped in heartbreak and disappointment. if someone comes into my life and is able to help put me back together, then i can toy with the idea. for now, however, i need to pick up each little fragment, contemplate what caused the fissure in the first place, and begin to move forward. i would love help, but this is a gradual process, and there is no way for me to jump into anything half-constructed anymore. every time i have been intimately connected with someone in the past eighteen months it has chipped away my self esteem and eroded my confidence to the point i am afraid to face everyone, intimately relationship or otherwise. i would rather sit here in my room with the dull hum of construction in the background than here the buzzing of conversation around me in the cafeteria.
i don't know if i should be flattered by you, or put off. i am glad that you enjoy my thoughts, but is that because they are actually something that you qualify as relevant, or something that you identify with? i don't know. i'm glad you have had the chance, and cared enough, to look into my mind, but i don't know if i should be turned off or encouraged by this. you are very persistent, you are right - desperate was the wrong word , but i think it is too much. i don't have enough time for me, nonetheless for someone else. i don't want to hurt you, and i realize that i have already been inconceivably unfair to you, but that was why i had to leave. you are great, and there are moments when you make me feel great...and moments when you make me feel horrible. i am not ready for either one right now.
today, my junior seminar class met for the first time. i felt like i had been on the cusp of some change or shift in direction, maybe just a divergence in my path, i don't know. i think it manifested itself today, unintentionally and in a cliche and horribly synchronous manner. i have always had this strange desire and urge to help people in their education. you don't know how to use photoshop? oh, let me show you! you need help with greek?
ah, hate to stop there, but i will have to continue later.
i am becoming increasingly overwhelmed, and now only slightly discouraged. i start every morning with a cup of coffee and breakfast and at least thirty minutes with a book unrelated to my studies. every day, stepping out of my cube, ray bans on, precariously trying to balance my thermos, wristlet, zen and headphones without making a fool of myself, i turn on cell phone. then mae starts by the time i am between the christian center and murrah, then band of horses by the time i enter the caf, when i turn off my zen and grab something to eat - inevitably an omelette and whatever fruit looks most appealing that morning.
i leave the caf, pick up my newspapers, put my sunglasses back on, and turn on spinning. now i am moving with a purpose. these two songs are defining this semester, and i wish i could tell him how these two little segments of three minutes give me the courage to face each day. it doesn't matter how late i stayed up the night before studying, or how upset i was at someone the moment i fell asleep, because as soon as the opening bars slip into my consciousness, my focus is turned toward their beauty.
i am kind of in a weird place with my blog right now. my life is finally inundated with all of this new information that is ready to overflow and spill from my mind, but it is strange knowing who my audience is. it is nice to know that people read, and i want people to read, but i wish i could walk the fine line between knowing that all my words aren't disappearing into the abyss of the internet and knowing where that knowledge is ending up. i feel like i have to edit my emotions and my reflections here since i know who will be reading and considering these words. i can't be as direct or as blunt as i would like, but if i leave everything in the midst of ambiguity, then some people might get upset. i don't know. i guess i will be blunt. honesty is usually the best policy.
i have chapter in an hour. i am a little afraid, but also kind of excited. well, not about the pin attire thing. i have a feeling i'm going to be falling back on the trusty print dress, cardigan, flats situation again and again. maybe i'll wear heels. today would probably be a good day to wear heels, but i dread the walk to the caf and to the house. i am too short to live in flats, though.
i am officially going to italy this summer. france is about seventy five percent certain. greece, for a few days, is probably about sixty percent certain. the uk falls somewhere between fifty and sixty percent likelihood in my mind. i need to start researching these things, i think.
i had my first two experiences of really being thrown to the wolves again in the last thirty six hours. first, i had my interview to try and earn back my position as a RA yesterday afternoon, and i was really nervous. i always feel like i am in an interrogation room walking into an interview - all cinematic, too. in my mind, even though i know it is irrational, i almost picture the lights out except for a dim spotlight over my head and the interviewers sitting in the shadow, jumping out at my at inopportune times. i don't ever feel prepared, hence the anxiety. it is absurd how far my mind warps things out of context and how irrational some of my fears are. today, i had a quiz in archaeology. i have no background in anthropology, so i wasn't really sure what to expect, but i think i did okay. at least i know what to expect next time.
in terms of romance and relationships, i need to be alone. i don't want to be alone forever, and it is nice to know that i have options, or an option, which is encouraging, but i am not ready to be with anyone. well, if that person can take care of me, i could let someone in. but this person can't be broken, they can't be like me. our shared common ground needs to be over positive things and progressive ideas, not history steeped in heartbreak and disappointment. if someone comes into my life and is able to help put me back together, then i can toy with the idea. for now, however, i need to pick up each little fragment, contemplate what caused the fissure in the first place, and begin to move forward. i would love help, but this is a gradual process, and there is no way for me to jump into anything half-constructed anymore. every time i have been intimately connected with someone in the past eighteen months it has chipped away my self esteem and eroded my confidence to the point i am afraid to face everyone, intimately relationship or otherwise. i would rather sit here in my room with the dull hum of construction in the background than here the buzzing of conversation around me in the cafeteria.
i don't know if i should be flattered by you, or put off. i am glad that you enjoy my thoughts, but is that because they are actually something that you qualify as relevant, or something that you identify with? i don't know. i'm glad you have had the chance, and cared enough, to look into my mind, but i don't know if i should be turned off or encouraged by this. you are very persistent, you are right - desperate was the wrong word , but i think it is too much. i don't have enough time for me, nonetheless for someone else. i don't want to hurt you, and i realize that i have already been inconceivably unfair to you, but that was why i had to leave. you are great, and there are moments when you make me feel great...and moments when you make me feel horrible. i am not ready for either one right now.
today, my junior seminar class met for the first time. i felt like i had been on the cusp of some change or shift in direction, maybe just a divergence in my path, i don't know. i think it manifested itself today, unintentionally and in a cliche and horribly synchronous manner. i have always had this strange desire and urge to help people in their education. you don't know how to use photoshop? oh, let me show you! you need help with greek?
ah, hate to stop there, but i will have to continue later.
love is a many-splendored thing
i finally got a message back from keiko, so i should be having some of these fantastic hearts coming my way at some point this semester. i stumbled upon the love project on flickr, and now hopefully i will get to be a part of it. http://www.flickr.com/groups/love_project/erin, this is what i was talking about.
"your heart is in the right place - and that's what matters. you can't help who you love no matter what. do what makes you happy....and it seems like you are happy right now, which is all that matters. we are all connected in strange, inexplicable ways...but at the end of the day - the way that we feel about ourselves and about our relationships with others...and preserving those that really, truly fulfill our lives...that is what is worth saving. do what makes you happy....thats all that matters in the world, and you are truly blessed to have someone and something in your life that makes you smile. not everyone can find that, in a traditional way or otherwise, so you are very, very blessed."
on archaeology, depression, and romantic inclinations.
you know what i said about starting to get into the swing of things? well, that was a lie. i have been so depressed the last few days, it has quite literally rendered me incapable of functioning. all i want to do is sleep, so studying is broken up in brief segments broken up by nicotine, caffeine, and making mixes. last night i escaped campus to go buy a book, love is a mix tape by rob sheffield, after it was suggested to me by a friend. i put a copy on reserve out at the one barnes and noble in the greater jackson area, unsure of when i would pick it up. very shortly after hanging up the phone with the sales clerk, however, i realized that i was in desperate need of a break. driving seemed like a good choice. music to drown out my uncertainty, hands on the wheel, finally in control of something in my life. as simple as it is, i think a lot of my love for driving comes from the control i have. will i make it from one destination to another safely? yes, because i am in control of my car, my actions, my muscles. it is nice to have that certainty, or at least the facade of certainty.
after driving out to old agency, i was met with a small disappointment. they did not have the signature hot chocolate mix at the cafe in the store, leaving me unable to enjoy my oh-so-desired espresso truffle (fuck licensed stores), so i stopped at the northside starbucks on my way back to campus. book in hand, caffeine in the other, i sat through the first two chapters and made myself leave. i could have read the rest of the book from beginning to end right then. i am going to make myself finish a heartbreaking work before i finish love is a mix tape, however. another week worth of breakfasts with dave eggers in hand should do the trick.
it is ironic that some of my life's most poignant moments coincide with my darkest hours. the irony that they can only shed a bit of optimism on my situation whereas they should make my life feel that much more fulfilling is not wasted on me. who knew that the person in whom i find so much solace finds comfort in my words? that is a day i did not think would ever come, but it has. it is still surreal. there are times when i listen to his words, concentrated straight to my eardrums, and i cannot grasp how much i have in common with this man. maybe one day i can mean that much to someone else, the way he means so much to me. i guess no one is really 'normal.' or we are all too normal, or something. i don't know. roles and expectations can be so inverted at times. this constant play back and forth is always entertaining. i do wish our relationship could much simpler, however.
i have a ton of latin and archaeology homework. i am somewhat overwhelmed by it, but i have been incapable of working the last two days. i did nothing productive friday evening, just hung out in sam's room, working on a puzzle and listening to some old records. not that old, but good regardless. saturday was dinner with martha and caroline, martin's for a brief moment, then something that somewhat qualifies as a bonfire party out in the ridgeland area, then sleep in the comfort of my own room. nothing last night, either.
i give up. i think it is time to shut certain doors in my past. i am no longer offering up my history and my illness as the explanation for anything. if you don't know, it is your perogative to go seek the information somewhere else, not from these lips. it will not haunt any more friendships, any more relationships. it is a part of my past, and it is time to box it up and put it up on the shelf. same with this childish infatuations. instead of waiting around aimlessly for someone who i have already let into my life, who knows my insecurities, my shortcomings, i will just close them off and move forward. maybe it is time for new chances and new opportunities to be taken advantage of. that is, if i am able to rouse myself from this suffocating apathy. or this drowning. or some other equally consuming and impossibly overwhelming, unavoidable analogy for how i feel.
after driving out to old agency, i was met with a small disappointment. they did not have the signature hot chocolate mix at the cafe in the store, leaving me unable to enjoy my oh-so-desired espresso truffle (fuck licensed stores), so i stopped at the northside starbucks on my way back to campus. book in hand, caffeine in the other, i sat through the first two chapters and made myself leave. i could have read the rest of the book from beginning to end right then. i am going to make myself finish a heartbreaking work before i finish love is a mix tape, however. another week worth of breakfasts with dave eggers in hand should do the trick.
it is ironic that some of my life's most poignant moments coincide with my darkest hours. the irony that they can only shed a bit of optimism on my situation whereas they should make my life feel that much more fulfilling is not wasted on me. who knew that the person in whom i find so much solace finds comfort in my words? that is a day i did not think would ever come, but it has. it is still surreal. there are times when i listen to his words, concentrated straight to my eardrums, and i cannot grasp how much i have in common with this man. maybe one day i can mean that much to someone else, the way he means so much to me. i guess no one is really 'normal.' or we are all too normal, or something. i don't know. roles and expectations can be so inverted at times. this constant play back and forth is always entertaining. i do wish our relationship could much simpler, however.
i have a ton of latin and archaeology homework. i am somewhat overwhelmed by it, but i have been incapable of working the last two days. i did nothing productive friday evening, just hung out in sam's room, working on a puzzle and listening to some old records. not that old, but good regardless. saturday was dinner with martha and caroline, martin's for a brief moment, then something that somewhat qualifies as a bonfire party out in the ridgeland area, then sleep in the comfort of my own room. nothing last night, either.
i give up. i think it is time to shut certain doors in my past. i am no longer offering up my history and my illness as the explanation for anything. if you don't know, it is your perogative to go seek the information somewhere else, not from these lips. it will not haunt any more friendships, any more relationships. it is a part of my past, and it is time to box it up and put it up on the shelf. same with this childish infatuations. instead of waiting around aimlessly for someone who i have already let into my life, who knows my insecurities, my shortcomings, i will just close them off and move forward. maybe it is time for new chances and new opportunities to be taken advantage of. that is, if i am able to rouse myself from this suffocating apathy. or this drowning. or some other equally consuming and impossibly overwhelming, unavoidable analogy for how i feel.
now something in my soul just cries
alcohol makes me hate my life much more than is necessary. every thought brings an onslaught of tears that are unwarranted or unnecessary. even just considering the words of my last sentence makes me feel awful, makes me want to cry.
when i saw you standing there
i about fell out of my chair
and when you moved your mouth to speak
i felt the blood go to my feet.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
you told yourself years ago
you'd never let your feelings show
the obligation that you made
for the title that they gave.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way thati want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
now something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
aw, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want to
if you'd only let it be.
i about fell out of my chair
and when you moved your mouth to speak
i felt the blood go to my feet.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
you told yourself years ago
you'd never let your feelings show
the obligation that you made
for the title that they gave.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way thati want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
now something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
aw, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want to
if you'd only let it be.
through snow, dirt, and sands
i forgot my memo pad, so i had to scribble down some notes on the inside cover of a heartbreaking work as i was walking to the caf today.light reflecting halfway down the height of the wall, a continuous, unbroken beam that begins further ahead than i had reached and ends indeterminately behind my footsteps. the dimly lit doorway at the end of the hall of fake, plastered half-columns serving as flimsy attempts at opulence. i walk through the door after a number of carefully placed steps and i wonder where all the promising light has gone. once on the other side, this overcast temperament makes it hard to believe that there was ever hope in the first place - it is enough to send me back to the purgatory of somewhere in between hope and actuation.
it just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle
so, i have all this dead time between latin and archaeology. i think this is going to be dedicated coffee and blog time. i haven't decided if it will be on or off campus, but every tuesday and thursday afternoon will be dedicated to blogging. today, and the rest of this weekend, i am frantically trying to get every last thing organized. i went to purchase more hangers, since somehow my large box of them has mysteriously disappeared, and ended up with more coffee, some honey, shaving cream, and shampoo. i mean, i needed all of them, but still. i had to drive out to county line to mail my external hard drive back to austin, and i prefer dealing with fedex kinkos over the post office. i had the time, so why not afford myself a bit of stress-free luxury. now, i am here, looking over the list of bands for south by southwest, and i cannot wait for it to be here. i will post the list of bands i am most excited for later this evening.
books have been way too expensive this year. i wish i had known that all of these recommended books were actually required, so that i could have accurately predicted how much i was going to have to spend...because then i would have definitely ordered them all online. too late now, though.
time to finish my coffee, clean, class, caf, then a candlelight tonight.
books have been way too expensive this year. i wish i had known that all of these recommended books were actually required, so that i could have accurately predicted how much i was going to have to spend...because then i would have definitely ordered them all online. too late now, though.
time to finish my coffee, clean, class, caf, then a candlelight tonight.
thrown into the shark tank, the novelty's worn off
and now i'm gone, yeah, thanks a lot.
currently, my self-esteem is my greatest enemy
i'm going to lose. . .i always do
currently, my self-esteem is my greatest enemy
i'm going to lose. . .i always do
i was about to finish up my latin translation, immediately following my "break" i just took to sit down with my archaeology readings that i needed to finish by tomorrow afternoon. i don't know how i feel about this whole 2:45 class thing, either. it makes me wary. i would rather have everything done first thing in the morning, because i can already feel the temptation to wait and do my reading during my two and half hour break between classes on tuesdays and thursdays.
back to the point, however, i had the mix playing i had made for jess and kait before i left town playing the background, and the song i quoted above, happy birthday dinosaur by driver f, came on, and it seemed to fit too perfectly to not blog about it.
i had breakfast this morning and had enough time to sit down and enjoy one of my favorite bacon and mushroom omelettes with my coffee, spiked with tiramisu coffeemate, of course. waking ashland on shuffle playing on my zen and dave eggers in hand. perfect. breakfast has always been my favorite meal, but i think it never particularly dawned on me why that is the case. i think the solitude has a lot to do with it. you aren't expected to be social at breakfast, it is early...and people would rather not deal with a cranky sibling or classmate. newspapers, crosswords, individuals sitting as isolated entities around the room as opposed to the typical patterns of congregation. the only exceptions are those huddled together trying to work toward a common cause, typically studying or cramming for a test that is inevitably sooner than they are prepared for, or because they are simply repeating the patterns and habits they would any other time of the day with their brains still on autopilot, not quite roused from their slumber.
i enjoy being alone, but not at the expense of how others view me. i am so critical of myself, that i can't bear to imagine criticism passing through the lips of anyone else - it could not possibly be any worse than what runs through my mind every waking moment. the additional hurt, especially if it is something superficial and avoidable, though at slight personal discomfort or cost, is something i am unwilling to add to the load i carry around by myself.
it is too cold here, and either too dreary or too blindingly sunny. i don't know if the realist portrayal of my hesitance in the overcast skies or the blatant sarcasm of juxtaposing hopeful, revitalizing sunshine on my cold, hard indifference that strikes me deeper.
back to the point, however, i had the mix playing i had made for jess and kait before i left town playing the background, and the song i quoted above, happy birthday dinosaur by driver f, came on, and it seemed to fit too perfectly to not blog about it.
i had breakfast this morning and had enough time to sit down and enjoy one of my favorite bacon and mushroom omelettes with my coffee, spiked with tiramisu coffeemate, of course. waking ashland on shuffle playing on my zen and dave eggers in hand. perfect. breakfast has always been my favorite meal, but i think it never particularly dawned on me why that is the case. i think the solitude has a lot to do with it. you aren't expected to be social at breakfast, it is early...and people would rather not deal with a cranky sibling or classmate. newspapers, crosswords, individuals sitting as isolated entities around the room as opposed to the typical patterns of congregation. the only exceptions are those huddled together trying to work toward a common cause, typically studying or cramming for a test that is inevitably sooner than they are prepared for, or because they are simply repeating the patterns and habits they would any other time of the day with their brains still on autopilot, not quite roused from their slumber.
i enjoy being alone, but not at the expense of how others view me. i am so critical of myself, that i can't bear to imagine criticism passing through the lips of anyone else - it could not possibly be any worse than what runs through my mind every waking moment. the additional hurt, especially if it is something superficial and avoidable, though at slight personal discomfort or cost, is something i am unwilling to add to the load i carry around by myself.
it is too cold here, and either too dreary or too blindingly sunny. i don't know if the realist portrayal of my hesitance in the overcast skies or the blatant sarcasm of juxtaposing hopeful, revitalizing sunshine on my cold, hard indifference that strikes me deeper.
i can't forget. . .and i figured it out, girl
this is from last thursday, but i never finished it - so it is getting bumped up to a new entry.
i set my alarm for 7:30, 7:45 and 8:00 this morning, and despite my best efforts to go to sleep early, i still silence, snoozed, and slept my way through them all. a lazy afternoon started by the office and a handful of episodes of weeds. my mom doesn't really find that show that entertaining and awkwardly sits through all the sex and language, which she is not so fond of.
eventually, i finally got around to unpacking my things and going through old boxes and i found a lot of things that really toyed with my emotions. one of the first boxes i opened had my travel journal from greece sitting on top of a lot of my old textbooks. those few weeks were some of the hardest and most rewarding of my life. in retrospect, this was when i was first falling ill again, which was taking an unknown and unidentifiable (at the time) toll on my thoughts, energy, and body. also, this trip - the day we were going to delphi, the place i was anticipating most as it would be - marked the death of a friend. not a best friend, but a great friend. one of my first on campus, and one of the few who ever appreciated everyone around him without any of the taint or filter that many of us view those around us.
so many memories came rushing back with this simple journal reappearing in my life, even without opening it's cover. recycled thoughts on reused paper, littered with hopes, dreams, awe, fear, and overwhelmed senses.
also, i found a lot of old photos. more than the photos, the frames really had an impact on me. pictures are rotated, but these little, decorated frames that i had covered in lyrics, letters, and laughter really made me long for the days when i could simply quote a pop song and feel more in line with it's joy than the sad lines of a ballad or hidden meaning under a happy facade, like most of the music i enjoy now. everything is filled with meaning and my life and sorrow has deepened even further than i could have ever imagined - though i was already sinking fast at the time. my feet, the only thing grounding me to reality, were already sinking into the quicksand of inevitability, and it is hard to imagine ever making it out alive. i could fight, and i have - with drinking and smoking as my weapons and tools of choice - but it only makes me sink faster, without realizing how far i have digressed. now, i just sit and wait. sinking. maybe i will make it out alive, or make i will suffocate.
now, a week later, i am considering visiting italy and i feel like it has come full circle, in a sense. maybe i will be ready to take a trip with more cognizance, more awareness, and a bit less struggle.
i set my alarm for 7:30, 7:45 and 8:00 this morning, and despite my best efforts to go to sleep early, i still silence, snoozed, and slept my way through them all. a lazy afternoon started by the office and a handful of episodes of weeds. my mom doesn't really find that show that entertaining and awkwardly sits through all the sex and language, which she is not so fond of.
eventually, i finally got around to unpacking my things and going through old boxes and i found a lot of things that really toyed with my emotions. one of the first boxes i opened had my travel journal from greece sitting on top of a lot of my old textbooks. those few weeks were some of the hardest and most rewarding of my life. in retrospect, this was when i was first falling ill again, which was taking an unknown and unidentifiable (at the time) toll on my thoughts, energy, and body. also, this trip - the day we were going to delphi, the place i was anticipating most as it would be - marked the death of a friend. not a best friend, but a great friend. one of my first on campus, and one of the few who ever appreciated everyone around him without any of the taint or filter that many of us view those around us.
so many memories came rushing back with this simple journal reappearing in my life, even without opening it's cover. recycled thoughts on reused paper, littered with hopes, dreams, awe, fear, and overwhelmed senses.
also, i found a lot of old photos. more than the photos, the frames really had an impact on me. pictures are rotated, but these little, decorated frames that i had covered in lyrics, letters, and laughter really made me long for the days when i could simply quote a pop song and feel more in line with it's joy than the sad lines of a ballad or hidden meaning under a happy facade, like most of the music i enjoy now. everything is filled with meaning and my life and sorrow has deepened even further than i could have ever imagined - though i was already sinking fast at the time. my feet, the only thing grounding me to reality, were already sinking into the quicksand of inevitability, and it is hard to imagine ever making it out alive. i could fight, and i have - with drinking and smoking as my weapons and tools of choice - but it only makes me sink faster, without realizing how far i have digressed. now, i just sit and wait. sinking. maybe i will make it out alive, or make i will suffocate.
now, a week later, i am considering visiting italy and i feel like it has come full circle, in a sense. maybe i will be ready to take a trip with more cognizance, more awareness, and a bit less struggle.
and i found my theme
you danced with me in the moonlight
and i found my theme
like roses bloom you inspire me
and the break of day fell upon me
and the light outshined
and you broke the spell that had kept me from loving you
i came to you for answers
i left confused
we played charades and the stars bowed down
i saw your face
i lose myself on a saturday
it had been so long so i questioned
i questioned everything
then its no surprise
the time was right and you saw it in my eyes.
i came to you for answers
i left confused
cause you moved me and you promised you wouldn't let go
now i need you and i want you to know
i am spinning out of control to be with you
and I know that who you are defines me
i came to you for answers
i left confused
and you moved me and you promised you wouldn't let go
now I need you and I want you to know
i'm stepping out today
pushed all the demons away
i'm stepping out today
pushed all the demons away
and i found my theme
like roses bloom you inspire me
and the break of day fell upon me
and the light outshined
and you broke the spell that had kept me from loving you
i came to you for answers
i left confused
we played charades and the stars bowed down
i saw your face
i lose myself on a saturday
it had been so long so i questioned
i questioned everything
then its no surprise
the time was right and you saw it in my eyes.
i came to you for answers
i left confused
cause you moved me and you promised you wouldn't let go
now i need you and i want you to know
i am spinning out of control to be with you
and I know that who you are defines me
i came to you for answers
i left confused
and you moved me and you promised you wouldn't let go
now I need you and I want you to know
i'm stepping out today
pushed all the demons away
i'm stepping out today
pushed all the demons away
horrible timing
i'm going to cry. this is the second external hard drive i have had crash, and i have lost all of my music and my photos, yet again. greece? gone. st louis? gone. all my pictures from home, my shows, my past - all gone. this is not the kind of purging i need in my life. my 600 GB of music? gone. i can't believe this. this is not what i needed right now.
organizing
when i have more time, i will upload pictures of my room. all of the walls are covered, which makes it feel a bit less like galloway and a lot more like home - if i were able to decorate at home, that is. there are two posters and one canvas that keep falling, but i will conquer them in the end. i already subdued my choke, ca poster in submission...with a lot of ticky tack and 3M mounting strips, so it is only a matter of time.
right now, i am overwhelmed. i will talk more about how i have been feeling the last two days later tonight, if i have the time, but right now i am going to sit down to fill in my planner with dates and assignments. new ink filling every fresh page, slowly, methodically defining what each new day will hold for me here on campus. i don't know why i love new school supplies and new planners, but i do. there is nothing that brings me more joy than having every little deadline marginalized to a few words on a piece of paper.
right now, i am overwhelmed. i will talk more about how i have been feeling the last two days later tonight, if i have the time, but right now i am going to sit down to fill in my planner with dates and assignments. new ink filling every fresh page, slowly, methodically defining what each new day will hold for me here on campus. i don't know why i love new school supplies and new planners, but i do. there is nothing that brings me more joy than having every little deadline marginalized to a few words on a piece of paper.
no need to say goodbye
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
the sound startles me alert
here, north of everything,
all winter long, we sit beside the wood stove,
drinking cider, rubbing hands
to warm ourselves
here, north of everything
where seasons change their clothes
from red and yellow, then white to green,
where i have learned
that fall turns to winter,
and winter turns to spring
along the way,
rivers carved their names
sun low above the willow trees
that stand like tired ghosts
said we'd start again
this time closer
to the earth,
to the sky,
closer
to each other.
but
no matter
how hard
i run,
i cannot
find
the path
the doctor told my mother,
as if six letters,
a single word,
the sound of it being spoken,
could make it easier
to understand
clock creeps.
shadows shuffle.
dad used to say that time is short for play
and long for getting ready
just a whisper
carried to me on the wind,
her voice:
i can do it,
she says.
i know i can.
the air is alive
all winter long, we sit beside the wood stove,
drinking cider, rubbing hands
to warm ourselves
here, north of everything
where seasons change their clothes
from red and yellow, then white to green,
where i have learned
that fall turns to winter,
and winter turns to spring
along the way,
rivers carved their names
sun low above the willow trees
that stand like tired ghosts
said we'd start again
this time closer
to the earth,
to the sky,
closer
to each other.
but
no matter
how hard
i run,
i cannot
find
the path
the doctor told my mother,
as if six letters,
a single word,
the sound of it being spoken,
could make it easier
to understand
clock creeps.
shadows shuffle.
dad used to say that time is short for play
and long for getting ready
just a whisper
carried to me on the wind,
her voice:
i can do it,
she says.
i know i can.
the air is alive
postcard
postcard, originally uploaded by some idealistic future.
marble quarry, coach tour of the peloponnese, may 2008
marble quarry, coach tour of the peloponnese, may 2008
sound acoustics, one
sound acoustics, one, originally uploaded by some idealistic future.
theater at epidaurus, may 2008
theater at epidaurus, may 2008
landscape
landscape, originally uploaded by some idealistic future.
mountainscape, coach tour of the peloponnese, may 2008.
i'll give you this confession.
i wish i could just be normal. have a normal life and just be content with average. be okay when i am not noticed and not feel so disconnected. always. i feel like my life runs in circles while everyone else continues to move forward down a simple, linear path. i get a lot accomplished and there is always movement towards something but never any direction. i need direction. i need normal.
sleep, i need it so bad
i can't sleep. i just finished the devil wears prada, which was a nice, fun book to read. sometimes it is nice to enjoy a book that basically reads itself. nothing insightful to pull from it, but hey - maybe that is for the best.
so, i just burned through the last fifty pages despite telling chris i was going to sleep, and now i am stuck with nothing to do. no excuse for me to put up blogging, i suppose. the rain is still falling outside, not in a steady downpour or a light trickle, but a deliberately intermittent pattern against my window. it will fall silent for a moment, only to come back again just at the moment i thought it was gone. i like the consistency of rain fall, the cleansing, but for some reason it is coming in waves tonight. maybe it is fitting, since my happiness and despair are ebbing in equal waves tonight.
today was completely free, with the exception of a doctor's appointment this morning. nothing too serious, and i cancelled my echo i was supposed to have tomorrow despite my doctor's plea. i think it is unneccesary, and anything that it would reveal would simply be a deep-rooted, untreatable or horribly pessimistic illness if it were anything at all. i'll come back when there is more proof or something more substantial to believe...maybe things are fine, but, if they aren't i would just rather not know.
i feel really distant. on days like today, with no structure, i feel myself slipping further into my own mind which creates one of two opposing, all-encompassing feelings - either a completely euphoric sense of happiness and being, or a blindingly, sick-to-my-stomach fear or despair. today, it is both. my happiness is lined with defeat and failure and a bit of disappointment, but my utter unhappiness is lined with a sense of hope. they can't quite exist in equilibrium because the pull is to strong from either pole, but hopefully i will find that center soon enough.
i think i'm going to try and start another book. maybe that will help prevent my mind from racing.
so, i just burned through the last fifty pages despite telling chris i was going to sleep, and now i am stuck with nothing to do. no excuse for me to put up blogging, i suppose. the rain is still falling outside, not in a steady downpour or a light trickle, but a deliberately intermittent pattern against my window. it will fall silent for a moment, only to come back again just at the moment i thought it was gone. i like the consistency of rain fall, the cleansing, but for some reason it is coming in waves tonight. maybe it is fitting, since my happiness and despair are ebbing in equal waves tonight.
today was completely free, with the exception of a doctor's appointment this morning. nothing too serious, and i cancelled my echo i was supposed to have tomorrow despite my doctor's plea. i think it is unneccesary, and anything that it would reveal would simply be a deep-rooted, untreatable or horribly pessimistic illness if it were anything at all. i'll come back when there is more proof or something more substantial to believe...maybe things are fine, but, if they aren't i would just rather not know.
i feel really distant. on days like today, with no structure, i feel myself slipping further into my own mind which creates one of two opposing, all-encompassing feelings - either a completely euphoric sense of happiness and being, or a blindingly, sick-to-my-stomach fear or despair. today, it is both. my happiness is lined with defeat and failure and a bit of disappointment, but my utter unhappiness is lined with a sense of hope. they can't quite exist in equilibrium because the pull is to strong from either pole, but hopefully i will find that center soon enough.
i think i'm going to try and start another book. maybe that will help prevent my mind from racing.
lists and thoughts
do something with my life.forget my past.
leave history behind me.
speak my mind.
write more.
read more.
do my work on time.
sleep less.
smoke less.
be more social.
get over you.
find someone.
hate myself less.
move on.
let people in.
not be defined by my mistakes.
finish something.
do something worthwhile.
isolated thoughts and musings.
1. boring through this moment of solitude, a dull pain spreads from the base of my thoughts to the twinge of my temples - where my thoughts and reality converge anticipation seeps from every pore. . .ready, waiting, expecting a sudden jolt that will plant my feet right back on the ground.i write to quantify the way i feel - but my focus and attention comes in waves, some lonely barely breaking the seamless surface, others churning my very being from the inside out.
2. early morning, rousing in place of the hour i usually resign, endless lines fly past as i pull into the terminal. middle of nowhere, yet teaming with life. isn't this how it is supposed to be? awakening with the sun instead of consorting with the moon night after nigt? patterns intended to align with the earth and each nature broken, with only these rare exceptions to the rule - maybe we would sleep a little more soundly if we all stopped grating against our nature.
3. patterns emerge out of colors and words.
4. every step the ends to a means, trying to get a few inches closer to some unknown end. strangers pass by, catching my eye only at the last instant tha tmy mind clears form this waking daydream. ready to move forward to a new tomorrow, but the only thing propelling me is my hope that one day each tiny effort will amont to some manner of progress. hiding behind an insignificant and zipped hooded jacket, nothing to differentiate between myself and my neighbor, while my headphones serve as my only barrier to preserve my subtle anonymity. why am i not able to simply lose myself in the crowd? why do i feel the need to fade away, yet still find myself analyzing and identifying myself in relationship to those around me? this bleak little pad is the only one who hears my voice, my pleas, my cries to be somebody, to matter, to just be noticed. i want to be great, but ill settle for average, as long as one day i am able to reach even that point.
5. yearning for my own independence, i shrug off anything that could interfere. . .to my benefit or to my detriment. images and words seep from my mind. . .releasing themselves only when they or i should be contained.
6. let's start again. clean page, fresh words. a new attitude on which to base a beginning. let's rewind to a time when my misgivings were not my sole motivation. cute words, anticipation and worry shocking my dulled sense back into focus. fingertrips trying to grip something just a bit more tangible before they fall slack with all the associated hope. falling to the floor. some old habits repeat and one broken heart has led to this perpetual self-inflicted rise and inevitable letdown. i pull you into my arms and push you away the moment you cross the line i invisibly drew between our words and their actuation. concepts sear this indistinguisable barrier that only experience can define.
7. the current flows rock to rock, ledge to bottom again and again. the noise cancels out any doubt as the path you are cleaering deafens my own thoughts. lost in the feat and the simplicity of that rush.
8. a way to view the world, or a modern day misdirection.
smile. flash. hold on. flash. just once more. flash. force a passable smile and hope you blend further from the foreground than the lens can allow. fake the pretense of it all and flip the roles. impose the distance, use the lens instead of your eye. why articulate an experience when you cn share it secondhand through such an unbiased intermediary?
2. early morning, rousing in place of the hour i usually resign, endless lines fly past as i pull into the terminal. middle of nowhere, yet teaming with life. isn't this how it is supposed to be? awakening with the sun instead of consorting with the moon night after nigt? patterns intended to align with the earth and each nature broken, with only these rare exceptions to the rule - maybe we would sleep a little more soundly if we all stopped grating against our nature.
3. patterns emerge out of colors and words.
4. every step the ends to a means, trying to get a few inches closer to some unknown end. strangers pass by, catching my eye only at the last instant tha tmy mind clears form this waking daydream. ready to move forward to a new tomorrow, but the only thing propelling me is my hope that one day each tiny effort will amont to some manner of progress. hiding behind an insignificant and zipped hooded jacket, nothing to differentiate between myself and my neighbor, while my headphones serve as my only barrier to preserve my subtle anonymity. why am i not able to simply lose myself in the crowd? why do i feel the need to fade away, yet still find myself analyzing and identifying myself in relationship to those around me? this bleak little pad is the only one who hears my voice, my pleas, my cries to be somebody, to matter, to just be noticed. i want to be great, but ill settle for average, as long as one day i am able to reach even that point.
5. yearning for my own independence, i shrug off anything that could interfere. . .to my benefit or to my detriment. images and words seep from my mind. . .releasing themselves only when they or i should be contained.
6. let's start again. clean page, fresh words. a new attitude on which to base a beginning. let's rewind to a time when my misgivings were not my sole motivation. cute words, anticipation and worry shocking my dulled sense back into focus. fingertrips trying to grip something just a bit more tangible before they fall slack with all the associated hope. falling to the floor. some old habits repeat and one broken heart has led to this perpetual self-inflicted rise and inevitable letdown. i pull you into my arms and push you away the moment you cross the line i invisibly drew between our words and their actuation. concepts sear this indistinguisable barrier that only experience can define.
7. the current flows rock to rock, ledge to bottom again and again. the noise cancels out any doubt as the path you are cleaering deafens my own thoughts. lost in the feat and the simplicity of that rush.
8. a way to view the world, or a modern day misdirection.
smile. flash. hold on. flash. just once more. flash. force a passable smile and hope you blend further from the foreground than the lens can allow. fake the pretense of it all and flip the roles. impose the distance, use the lens instead of your eye. why articulate an experience when you cn share it secondhand through such an unbiased intermediary?
thoughts
1. turbulence shakes my certainty as the whole of myself and my surroundings struggles to adjust to the sway of the change -change that is enveloping the protective shell we have erected in monument to our own ingenuity. intake of choked breath, music breaking through the pinpricks of anxiety that cause my pen to hesitate on this page. calm settles only to be broken by the faint rattle that slowly creeps, front to back, until it reaches the soles of your feet - trying to ground you in some construct of reality. ears alert and expanding trying to prepare for any offset in their equilibrium, the sole connection between your mind and your body's response. straining to prepare for what you perceive as the inevitable, b ut only hurting when this certainty never reaches fruition outside of your designed fear.
2. cool, crisp air cuts through my lungs, bracing my body for the unknown adventures i will face today. strange, new weather patterns pull into a new intriguing cycle, one which i desire to embrace and which i am afraid to break. going through the motions is impossible during such days where one step uncertainly leads to the next, but where you will next catch your footing is unclear until you arrive. new faces, new chances, and no expectations are all that i can ask.
3. you know what i love? my dad's blind and unreasonable desire to make me happy. regardless of whether or not he thinks i am making the right choices. regardless of his often discovered inability to understand my decisions. he still wants me to be happy. whether this is out of love or some other selfless, or even selfish, feeling i can't be sure - but i do appreciate it.
4. water. trusting, progress, ever moving forward no matter the obstacle.
5. waiting, impatience.
6. anonymity, secrets. shaping news.
7. always concerned with progress, half-acknowledging the present. flooding your experience with one eye always measuring how far you have come - that is no way to embrace the joy of being and the power of true experience, of being alive. existing only when your clarity stems from things that were. even if you replicate an experience from your past that you have dwelt on for so long, this new formed fascination with synthesizing that memory alters the original reality.
2. cool, crisp air cuts through my lungs, bracing my body for the unknown adventures i will face today. strange, new weather patterns pull into a new intriguing cycle, one which i desire to embrace and which i am afraid to break. going through the motions is impossible during such days where one step uncertainly leads to the next, but where you will next catch your footing is unclear until you arrive. new faces, new chances, and no expectations are all that i can ask.
3. you know what i love? my dad's blind and unreasonable desire to make me happy. regardless of whether or not he thinks i am making the right choices. regardless of his often discovered inability to understand my decisions. he still wants me to be happy. whether this is out of love or some other selfless, or even selfish, feeling i can't be sure - but i do appreciate it.
4. water. trusting, progress, ever moving forward no matter the obstacle.
5. waiting, impatience.
6. anonymity, secrets. shaping news.
7. always concerned with progress, half-acknowledging the present. flooding your experience with one eye always measuring how far you have come - that is no way to embrace the joy of being and the power of true experience, of being alive. existing only when your clarity stems from things that were. even if you replicate an experience from your past that you have dwelt on for so long, this new formed fascination with synthesizing that memory alters the original reality.
but it was the hopeful kind of sad. the kind of sad that just takes time.
hold on tight
wrap your arms around me til your knuckles are burning white
all your tears
couldn’t match the bitter taste of all these wasted years
you take take
everything that wasn’t even yours
wait wait
you don’t got a hold of me anymore
in a clear view there’s a silhouette
and i watch you and i can’t forget
knew we were done when you locked that door
yeah i figured it now
breaking’s what the heart is for
when I see you
in a silhouette
and you hold close
do you feel regret
keeping me down when i hit that floor
and i figured it out girl
breaking's what the heart is
for so long
i’ve had to bite my tongue but what’s the point if the feelings gone
i turn my head
learned i only see some memory but all i see is red
don’t don’t
say it didn’t happen that way
i won’t won’t
believe another word that you say
in a clear view there’s a silhouette
and i watch you and i can’t forget
knew we were done when you locked that door
yeah i figured it now
breaking’s what the heart is for
when I see you
in a silhouette
and you hold close
do you feel regret
keeping me down when i hit that floor
and i figured it out girl
breaking's what the heart is
yeah breaking’s what the heart is for
and not a soul sleeps
another heart skips a beat
it’s every note that you wrote and i hope that you choke on the lines
you’re wasting my time, another heart beats tonight
in a clear view there’s a silhouette
and i watch you and i can’t forget
knew we were done when you locked that door
yeah i figured it now
breaking’s what the heart is for
when I see you
in a silhouette
and you hold close
do you feel regret
keeping me down when i hit that floor
and i figured it out girl
breaking's what the heart is
wrap your arms around me til your knuckles are burning white
all your tears
couldn’t match the bitter taste of all these wasted years
you take take
everything that wasn’t even yours
wait wait
you don’t got a hold of me anymore
in a clear view there’s a silhouette
and i watch you and i can’t forget
knew we were done when you locked that door
yeah i figured it now
breaking’s what the heart is for
when I see you
in a silhouette
and you hold close
do you feel regret
keeping me down when i hit that floor
and i figured it out girl
breaking's what the heart is
for so long
i’ve had to bite my tongue but what’s the point if the feelings gone
i turn my head
learned i only see some memory but all i see is red
don’t don’t
say it didn’t happen that way
i won’t won’t
believe another word that you say
in a clear view there’s a silhouette
and i watch you and i can’t forget
knew we were done when you locked that door
yeah i figured it now
breaking’s what the heart is for
when I see you
in a silhouette
and you hold close
do you feel regret
keeping me down when i hit that floor
and i figured it out girl
breaking's what the heart is
yeah breaking’s what the heart is for
and not a soul sleeps
another heart skips a beat
it’s every note that you wrote and i hope that you choke on the lines
you’re wasting my time, another heart beats tonight
in a clear view there’s a silhouette
and i watch you and i can’t forget
knew we were done when you locked that door
yeah i figured it now
breaking’s what the heart is for
when I see you
in a silhouette
and you hold close
do you feel regret
keeping me down when i hit that floor
and i figured it out girl
breaking's what the heart is
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)