Hamburg, Germany
so, today is yet another travel day. okay, i really haven't even travelled that much...i've only used two of my travel days on my eurail pass. i kind of feel like i need to play catch up now. yesterday was really hard...i really wanted to leave copenhagen, and the last few days have really allowed my mind to catch up with me, which is always a dangerous thing. after i left the cafe, i got coffee in the square at the end of strøget, which had my heart racing a little too fast by the time i was done. it's funny how your body can feel like it is moving so fast, like it is going to hit a brick wall at terminal velocity, while in actuality i am just sitting still on a bench in the sun, watching the people and pidgeons stream by at all of their various paces, nothing in tandem...just as my body is contradicting my mind and my pulse. i walked back to christianhavn, grabbed a huge (yet cheap) tomato øst and dressing sandwich from a small little side street, then went back to christiania, where this time i actually bought the bracelet i was looking for! i went back to nemoland, but the crowd was much older and slower since it was, after all, a sunday. i say down next to a couple of danes, but they weren't nearly as personable as renee and anas had been the day before. my dad called me as i was walking around, only to break the bad news about nanny. we talked about my books and loans for school, as well as the arrangements with john in berlin since he would be picking me up from the train station. as i hung up i was met with a short little stri lankan man, mike, who 'really wanted to take me out for a drink.' i couldn't really shake him though i was clearly trying to outpace him during the walk back to strøget, but i ultimately gave in and stopped with him at a very open and very public bar in front of the stork fountain. he was really offended when i insisted that he switch pints with me since he ordered up at the bar without me, but i'm glad i did it - better safe than sorry. he was really annoying, ignorant, and had very poor english, so i excused myself as politely as possible, only to find myself in the beginnings of a thunderstorm. found the hovedbibliothek, but it was closed since it was sunday, so i tried to find a use-it that was in my guidebook so that i could check my internet and blow time...but it was nowhere to be found. at that point, i only had about two hours until i was supposed to meet mathilde at the apartment, so i went back ot the station, and then headed back to valby. i watched the 2009 mtv movie awards on vh1, of all places, then took a nap, a shower, watched part of an RFK conspiracy documentary, and an episode of gossip girl, and then Mathilde finally made it back.
chat and cigarettes later, we started watching an old American movie, The Only One, from 1994, that happened to be starting while we were channel surfing. it was really good, but really depressing, and i had an utter breakdown. mathilde was crying about philip and i was crying about nanny, about being alone, about all boys, leigh, my inadequacy, the dread c word (hint, six letters not four). i don't stand a chance. i'm never going to be old, and i'm always going to be alone. i am nothing but a novelty that in some way resembles something more than average, but that never really amounts to anything. i had been running away from myself, hiding behind a mask of bars and happy hours, clubs and pub crawls, dresses and scarves, cafes and nicotine. a day of being idle in copenhagen, however, made it all come tumbling down. mathilde and i laid in bed trying to laugh and comfort through the tears, and eventually the endless mechanic hum of passing cars, and all the inevitable, undeniable motion and continuity of the world around me finally lulled me back into passivity, though my poor heart needed a bit more convincing. i woke in better spirits, or at least in denial. i know it should comfort me to know that i'm not alone in feeling this way, and that i should be grateful, one, that i picked myself back up for the time being, and two, i had mathilde there with me...but even my subconscious wasn't buying into it in my dreams. i can't help but feel like this is some kind of competition, that i should weigh my feelings and experiences against mathilde's own suffering, but i can't seem to establish the criterion, past and present factors, sliding scales and variables. at least she has had real love, or has a boy that cares enough to mistreat her. what kind of person am i for even thinking about these kinds of things? i know that i like to get at what is, what something means, what is going on behind - how it connects, compares, matters...but trying to rank my own shortcomings in terms of how another feels seems ...perverse.
while i can still remember - about my dream. i was working in a chemistry lab and i had to fly to see some people i knew. the airport screened for radiation and i was the only one who kept setting off the radiation detector, but they eventually just let me through (a la The Only One where the main character cries and begs until she gets her way). we got into the air fine, but the plane started to come down, so we made an emergency landing, but somehow it worked out in my favor and the next thing i knew i was at faubion, my elementary school, with all of my colleagues from millsaps and some elementary school friends, though they were all grown up. we kept doing our research, which was very reminisicient of the research i had done with kramer freshman year, and then someone realized that i had been the victim of radiation poisoning, so they told me to run to the nurse right away - it was my only chance. i sprinted through the halls of my childhood, once so familiar, and finally found the office, only to see that i was only jim chow filling in and there wasn't anything he could do. my interpretation of this dream? even if i had continued on with my original plan and had pursued chemistry, which would have led me everywhere (or anywhere) but where i am right now, i still would have been the victim of the same over-arching result, just by different means. even when i tried to run away, i ended up right where my consciousness emerged, back at faubion...trying to work my way through my current problems, out of context, helpless. way to fuck with my mind, subconscious, way to go. the whole dual radiation meaning...touche. i can't believe i'm still in such good spirits today after all that, and all things considered. maybe it is just because i am headed straight into something exciting, something i desperately want, instead of trying to assimilate into some kind of unattainable social circle like was happening here in copenhagen. well, all i can hope is that this glimmer of happiness continues to flourish and at least sustain itself, and me, enough to get me through the rest of this trip, back into the comforting arms of complacency and familiarity in the south. it is becoming increasingly difficult to write on just my lap in this moving train, so signing off...b.
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
outline of a semester
so, for those of you who have just reentered my life, or vice versa, or who are new all together, i sat and outlined a rough outline of my life since i was last at millsaps at the end of may 2008.
at the end of the semester, i went back to austin for about a week or so to spend some time with my family before i left for greece and to travel shop and such.
then austin, back to jackson, jackson to atlanta, and atlanta to athens. i was in greece for a little over two weeks, then back to jackson.
i then moved to memphis for the summer.
about a week after moving in, i went back to jackson for jubilee jam, stayed for a week, then went back to memphis. this brings us up to the second week of june.
then, after about three or four weeks in memphis, i made the texas/warped tour circuit. memphis to austin, austin to dallas to donate blood, back to austin, then back to dallas for the show. then the fourth of july in austin, the fifth in selma, and the sixth in houston, all three texas warped dates working for invisible children.
then, i went to memphis, stayed for a while, my mom came and visited, then memphis to mobile.
mobile to birmingham, where i was for about a week.
then birmingham to jackson, back to memphis, back to jackson, then back to austin, completely moved out of my various locations. this brings us up to about a week before fall semester began.
i was in austin for a little while, visited jackson one of the first weekends of school or so, went to austin city limits, and spent more time here than i had in a very long time.
then, i went to san antonio twice in october, once with kevin to see this providence and once with my brother, chris, to go to that silly comedy show that lasted an eternity.
next, i went to dallas with sam to see jack's mannequin, then back to austin for the same show the next day with my little sister, sarah.
then, austin to new orleans, voodoo fest the next day, then jackson, then back to austin.
pretty long period in austin, then a short trip to denton to see jager, cody, and jamey, then back home.
st. louis for a week, then home to pack, then back to jackson.
which brings me up to two weeks ago, and my present location. i feel like i am missing pieces still, but those are the only trips i remember.
at the end of the semester, i went back to austin for about a week or so to spend some time with my family before i left for greece and to travel shop and such.
then austin, back to jackson, jackson to atlanta, and atlanta to athens. i was in greece for a little over two weeks, then back to jackson.
i then moved to memphis for the summer.
about a week after moving in, i went back to jackson for jubilee jam, stayed for a week, then went back to memphis. this brings us up to the second week of june.
then, after about three or four weeks in memphis, i made the texas/warped tour circuit. memphis to austin, austin to dallas to donate blood, back to austin, then back to dallas for the show. then the fourth of july in austin, the fifth in selma, and the sixth in houston, all three texas warped dates working for invisible children.
then, i went to memphis, stayed for a while, my mom came and visited, then memphis to mobile.
mobile to birmingham, where i was for about a week.
then birmingham to jackson, back to memphis, back to jackson, then back to austin, completely moved out of my various locations. this brings us up to about a week before fall semester began.
i was in austin for a little while, visited jackson one of the first weekends of school or so, went to austin city limits, and spent more time here than i had in a very long time.
then, i went to san antonio twice in october, once with kevin to see this providence and once with my brother, chris, to go to that silly comedy show that lasted an eternity.
next, i went to dallas with sam to see jack's mannequin, then back to austin for the same show the next day with my little sister, sarah.
then, austin to new orleans, voodoo fest the next day, then jackson, then back to austin.
pretty long period in austin, then a short trip to denton to see jager, cody, and jamey, then back home.
st. louis for a week, then home to pack, then back to jackson.
which brings me up to two weeks ago, and my present location. i feel like i am missing pieces still, but those are the only trips i remember.
it says, you are what you take for what you are.
so i started and finished sunless last night. i started entering these quotes while i was waiting in line at the library to vote. this book was shocking, disturbing, and eerily echoed many of my thoughts on medication. this world, this society is too fixated on finding the easy answer, and the easy answer is to forget. so what better way to do that then to package up a whole lot of nothingness into a tiny pill that disappears into your mind and blood as easily as your next breath.
this book is set in the near future, when a pharamceutical company takes a leap of faith and tries to make medication a lifestyle, not a necessity or a choice.
this book is set in the near future, when a pharamceutical company takes a leap of faith and tries to make medication a lifestyle, not a necessity or a choice.
time moves differently in sick people, it slows down or speeds up.
her eyes were red as if she used them for more than seeing, as if she had stuffed every bad thing in the world into them and then tried to see despite those things anyway, which cant be done. she did everything living people do but was missing her insides.
she took one pill of the usual two each morning and night: they were the sun and the moon of her day.
i wanted to feel nothing. that too was a feeling. in a sense the pills must have taken away her loss and replaced it with a different loss, a condition of general emptiness.
my thoughts seemed off to the side. come back thoughts. i liked the feeling of no feeling.
to my left, the moon burned the edge of a snow cloud white to a breezy clear patch in the sky and the lake shone like tinfoil, with the moon so sharp that i could have turned it on its side and cut my finger.
i had taken the biggest dose yet and it was too sharp: i floated ahead of myself, bumping into things.
we know you want us, sunless, we know you want us. in a pile they sang their anthem. we are the few now. we are the only few.
i listened to the blood. i looked inside my arm and followed a blood vessel to the heart, swam the pipes into and out of the chambers of my heart. in there, squeezed together, was everything i remembered and everything i couldnt forget.
to leave everything now and feel nothing, to follow my own floating, that simple. to feel nothing - not bad, not good. nothing.
no mercy now. they had almost put me to endless sleep.
dr. fargoon will address our core philosophy as we move into the third decade of the century. we want to get away from this notion that you take a pill for an ailment, a sore throat, a cut, a bad heart. medication is a companion for life, and life is indeed a very long illness. medicine is the new food. would you not eat food for a healthy body? do you want a health mind? are these truths not self-evident?
rex shouted as the music started: let's have color-coded medications based on the threat levels. we've only just begun!
thats the miracle of modern science - you can be wrong and you can be right at the same time.
the man adjusted his sunglasses: there is no future, only the presented continued.
some books you dont have to open. they read themselves to you even in your sleep. they fill your senses with words. the book had brought him back to it in his sleep, back for more words.
elevax is a wonder drug, he said. before this, finding out what was wrong with a person was like swinging a hammer in the dark. sometimes you hit first time, one prescription. or it could take a few months, a few years. he rested his chin on his hand. even a lifetime. would you have been ready for that?
reason means nothing. you have to change the way people feel, and that, my young friend, is what chemistry does so very well.
im talking about what you take for what you want to become. the magic wand is chemistry, my friend.
now ive lived long enough to be the same distance from dying. this time i dont mind.
he tried to explain that up in the sky was so different that he could never explain what he experienced there, what he saw, whaelt, the colors, the speed of the everything. nothing he said helped. he did not belong the ground and he could not go back up the beanstalk. and so for the rest of his life, jack lived a little bit up in the sky. the price of winning was losing what he had before. swan and the beanstalk.
i knew for a moment how most living people go invisible: they drive to work, return home, watch the television, go to bed, and everyday there is less of who they are. more is burned away.
the two pills were talking inside me now, the flow was better, the world sank a little.
if i could know the date of my own death from the moment of my birth, if i could live like andy and know the time of my death but not where i was born, i could live toward my beginning, not my end. i could have enough experience to know what to do when i was young. but would i live any better?
what else do you not know about your own mother, they say. we live in containers, in all manner of them, in jars, in pillows, in pockets, in the memory, in what people forget. but your mother, she could not forget. that was her disease.
. . .the pills had melted their names into my blood, did their job and disappeared, swam to my head in the red stream, and now it was my turn to dissolve.
her eyes were red as if she used them for more than seeing, as if she had stuffed every bad thing in the world into them and then tried to see despite those things anyway, which cant be done. she did everything living people do but was missing her insides.
she took one pill of the usual two each morning and night: they were the sun and the moon of her day.
i wanted to feel nothing. that too was a feeling. in a sense the pills must have taken away her loss and replaced it with a different loss, a condition of general emptiness.
my thoughts seemed off to the side. come back thoughts. i liked the feeling of no feeling.
to my left, the moon burned the edge of a snow cloud white to a breezy clear patch in the sky and the lake shone like tinfoil, with the moon so sharp that i could have turned it on its side and cut my finger.
i had taken the biggest dose yet and it was too sharp: i floated ahead of myself, bumping into things.
we know you want us, sunless, we know you want us. in a pile they sang their anthem. we are the few now. we are the only few.
i listened to the blood. i looked inside my arm and followed a blood vessel to the heart, swam the pipes into and out of the chambers of my heart. in there, squeezed together, was everything i remembered and everything i couldnt forget.
to leave everything now and feel nothing, to follow my own floating, that simple. to feel nothing - not bad, not good. nothing.
no mercy now. they had almost put me to endless sleep.
dr. fargoon will address our core philosophy as we move into the third decade of the century. we want to get away from this notion that you take a pill for an ailment, a sore throat, a cut, a bad heart. medication is a companion for life, and life is indeed a very long illness. medicine is the new food. would you not eat food for a healthy body? do you want a health mind? are these truths not self-evident?
rex shouted as the music started: let's have color-coded medications based on the threat levels. we've only just begun!
thats the miracle of modern science - you can be wrong and you can be right at the same time.
the man adjusted his sunglasses: there is no future, only the presented continued.
some books you dont have to open. they read themselves to you even in your sleep. they fill your senses with words. the book had brought him back to it in his sleep, back for more words.
elevax is a wonder drug, he said. before this, finding out what was wrong with a person was like swinging a hammer in the dark. sometimes you hit first time, one prescription. or it could take a few months, a few years. he rested his chin on his hand. even a lifetime. would you have been ready for that?
reason means nothing. you have to change the way people feel, and that, my young friend, is what chemistry does so very well.
im talking about what you take for what you want to become. the magic wand is chemistry, my friend.
now ive lived long enough to be the same distance from dying. this time i dont mind.
he tried to explain that up in the sky was so different that he could never explain what he experienced there, what he saw, whaelt, the colors, the speed of the everything. nothing he said helped. he did not belong the ground and he could not go back up the beanstalk. and so for the rest of his life, jack lived a little bit up in the sky. the price of winning was losing what he had before. swan and the beanstalk.
i knew for a moment how most living people go invisible: they drive to work, return home, watch the television, go to bed, and everyday there is less of who they are. more is burned away.
the two pills were talking inside me now, the flow was better, the world sank a little.
if i could know the date of my own death from the moment of my birth, if i could live like andy and know the time of my death but not where i was born, i could live toward my beginning, not my end. i could have enough experience to know what to do when i was young. but would i live any better?
what else do you not know about your own mother, they say. we live in containers, in all manner of them, in jars, in pillows, in pockets, in the memory, in what people forget. but your mother, she could not forget. that was her disease.
. . .the pills had melted their names into my blood, did their job and disappeared, swam to my head in the red stream, and now it was my turn to dissolve.
you told me this has always been worth living, what's really worth living anymore?
i guess it ruins it to put the ending of a song first, but i love manchester orchestra so the rest of the song is below. they were grouped together with anathallo, colour revolt, page france, and the appleseed cast...and the likes of funeral for a friend and further seems forever, whom i all avoided due to webb. my first time really listening to them again was with mitch, the night before i left birmingham. i put on you brainstorm, i brainstorm, but brilliance needs a good editor (which is actually webbs...and i never returned it). i forgot how much i loved them. but it is so tainted.
when my dad died,
the worms ate out both his eyes. his soul flew right up in the sky. i cried myself to sleep.
when my mother lies alone on her back at night, adding up hours 'til her demise, she counts herself to sleep. when my sister finds my body closed up like the blinds, i tell her i promise it's fine. she cries herself to sleep. the men in the black ties arrive at the house in surprise, to find a little girl by your side, the wood box where you're sleeping. istill see you inside of this god awful house. you move awfully quiet now. and i still feel you everywhere.
when my mother lies alone on her back at night, adding up hours 'til her demise, she counts herself to sleep. when my sister finds my body closed up like the blinds, i tell her i promise it's fine. she cries herself to sleep. the men in the black ties arrive at the house in surprise, to find a little girl by your side, the wood box where you're sleeping. istill see you inside of this god awful house. you move awfully quiet now. and i still feel you everywhere.
not much happened between my return from jackson and austin city limits, so i will try to breeze my way through it with the help of my handy memo pad.
i slept in until past noon, then ate lunch with my mom. we watched tv together, a whole bunch of random stuff like always.
currently, thanks to my moms incessant tv watching habits, i am now watching all of these shows (mostly with her )
-heroes
-fringe
-supernatural
-weeds (which just ended, so doesn't really count)
-criminal minds
-CSI (all of the them)
-law and order (CI and SVU)
-criminal minds
-psych
-monk (sometimes)
-grey's anatomy
-house
-dirty sexy money
i am absolutely in love with fringe. i never really got into lost, but totally appreciate jj abrams. twilight zone + x files + house = fringe. did i already say i loved this? sometimes my dad's taste in shows translates (unlike battlestar galactia...though i did watch a good bit of that back in the day too).
i finally finished twilight today as well. i started new moon after my dermatology appointment. i will tell you what...excisions are not a walk in the park. something about the anesthetic that my doctor uses makes me so ill. it did not help that i sat up and saw her while she was shaving the mole off, if you will. i hate their terminology. shaving...punching out...excising....ugh. makes me sick just thinking about it.
i was supposed to close at work, but i was so so so ill from the anesthetic, it was not even a possibility. i stayed at home, slept, read, and called it a day before 10.
----
monday.i slept in until past noon, then ate lunch with my mom. we watched tv together, a whole bunch of random stuff like always.
currently, thanks to my moms incessant tv watching habits, i am now watching all of these shows (mostly with her )
-heroes
-fringe
-supernatural
-weeds (which just ended, so doesn't really count)
-criminal minds
-CSI (all of the them)
-law and order (CI and SVU)
-criminal minds
-psych
-monk (sometimes)
-grey's anatomy
-house
-dirty sexy money
i am absolutely in love with fringe. i never really got into lost, but totally appreciate jj abrams. twilight zone + x files + house = fringe. did i already say i loved this? sometimes my dad's taste in shows translates (unlike battlestar galactia...though i did watch a good bit of that back in the day too).
i finally finished twilight today as well. i started new moon after my dermatology appointment. i will tell you what...excisions are not a walk in the park. something about the anesthetic that my doctor uses makes me so ill. it did not help that i sat up and saw her while she was shaving the mole off, if you will. i hate their terminology. shaving...punching out...excising....ugh. makes me sick just thinking about it.
i was supposed to close at work, but i was so so so ill from the anesthetic, it was not even a possibility. i stayed at home, slept, read, and called it a day before 10.
----
more to come later. i caught up editing photos and chatting with arthur...so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
more to come later. i caught up editing photos and chatting with arthur...so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
the blood rushing in waves to take this feeling with us to our graves
yesterday was all over the place. ill avoid the stereotypical rollercoaster analogies for your sake and mine. i tried to get to bed early, but without much success.
ultimately, i went to bed around 1 i think, only to get back up at 5. i let myself lay in bed and just meditate on some things and finally got up to finish packing at about 545. got the rest of my stuff together, which also took longer than expected, got situated in the car, and headed up to the new shopping strip at 183A and 1431. the plan was to kill two birds with one stone, get coffee at the relatively new starbucks and breakfast at the chick-fil-a that opened this week right next door. i love love love chick-fil-a's breakfast. especially chicken minis :) but chick-fil-a opened late and i ended up wasting a ton of time.
then, kinda settled in, CDs in the changer and a venti java chip frappucino with three shots in hand, i hit the road. my dad left me his garmin to try and help me out so i wouldn't get lost...but it ended up messing me up more than anything else. i hit 35 and without thinking just followed the GPS. i mean, it is completely normal for me to take 35 south, and it was still an hour until sunrise so i was not exactly in the perfect state of mind for cognitive reasoning (wait - dallas is north...why am i going south?). i was stuck in traffic forever and i had no idea why it was so bad. oh, maybe because i went down the highway for 20 miles in the wrong direction towards downtown...because the GPS was trying to take me down some tiny highways instead of the easy, simplistic 35 to 20 route. screw going through tyler....there is no food, no place to stop, and little towns are littered up and down those back roads where you don't stand a chance of walking away without a speeding ticket if you exceed 40-45 miles per hour. forget that :)
eventually i woke up from my pre-dawn daze and started heading the right direction on 35 (please realize how embarrassing it is for me to admit i made such a stupid mistake...because it is really embarrassing). i listened to kiss fm for a while...i knew i had plenty of time to listen to CDs, bobby bones can be pretty entertaining, and i never listen to the radio - so why the hell not? lunchbox was trying to replicate some stupid magic trick/stunt that someone is attempting in the near future...and it kept me entertained for a while. but the moral of the story is, i really didnt get going on the road (in the right direction) until almost 7...when i had been planning on leaving at 7. i guess thats what happens when im accountable for myself that early in the morning.
in the days leading up to my trip, and talking to everyone about when i leave, how i drive there, and all that jazz, i was reminded about how much i love making the drive...sometimes. if you get on the road at the right time, when you are at the end of your first wind, finally starting to feel the immensity of the drive ahead of you - that is when the sun comes up. and it is a beautiful, inspiring thing. i have never been a morning person, so unless it was an exceptionally long night, the only time i get to see this beautiful phenomena is at the dawn of a day of driving. it is so...refreshing, calming, and it just helps me find my center in some weird, inexplicable way.
however, despite my timing issues on this particular journey, it would have made no difference whatsoever. it was a gloomy and anti climatic sunrise followed only my rain and more overcast skies. when i was loading up the car, it started to rain...and the last trip from my house to the car was a slow motion kind of moment for me. i don't know if that happens for anyone else...but it was just one of those moments when i felt alive. something about the anticipation, the time of day...the feeling of the start of something new, all mixed with the anxiety and the cleansing effect emotionally and physically evoked with each new rain, i really felt.
after giving up on bobby bones around kyle, texas ( i didn't last long at all ) i turned on panic at the disco's pretty. odd. panic's a fever you can't sweat out used to be my "middle of the drive hump" cd to wake me back up from the monotonous louisiana stretch of 20. ironically, if you weren't aware, there was a very fitting lyric considering the mixed emotions about the rain and gloom surrounding me. there are a few lyrics i took note of during the drive, and i'm not going to really explain them...they just stand out.
ultimately, i went to bed around 1 i think, only to get back up at 5. i let myself lay in bed and just meditate on some things and finally got up to finish packing at about 545. got the rest of my stuff together, which also took longer than expected, got situated in the car, and headed up to the new shopping strip at 183A and 1431. the plan was to kill two birds with one stone, get coffee at the relatively new starbucks and breakfast at the chick-fil-a that opened this week right next door. i love love love chick-fil-a's breakfast. especially chicken minis :) but chick-fil-a opened late and i ended up wasting a ton of time.
then, kinda settled in, CDs in the changer and a venti java chip frappucino with three shots in hand, i hit the road. my dad left me his garmin to try and help me out so i wouldn't get lost...but it ended up messing me up more than anything else. i hit 35 and without thinking just followed the GPS. i mean, it is completely normal for me to take 35 south, and it was still an hour until sunrise so i was not exactly in the perfect state of mind for cognitive reasoning (wait - dallas is north...why am i going south?). i was stuck in traffic forever and i had no idea why it was so bad. oh, maybe because i went down the highway for 20 miles in the wrong direction towards downtown...because the GPS was trying to take me down some tiny highways instead of the easy, simplistic 35 to 20 route. screw going through tyler....there is no food, no place to stop, and little towns are littered up and down those back roads where you don't stand a chance of walking away without a speeding ticket if you exceed 40-45 miles per hour. forget that :)
eventually i woke up from my pre-dawn daze and started heading the right direction on 35 (please realize how embarrassing it is for me to admit i made such a stupid mistake...because it is really embarrassing). i listened to kiss fm for a while...i knew i had plenty of time to listen to CDs, bobby bones can be pretty entertaining, and i never listen to the radio - so why the hell not? lunchbox was trying to replicate some stupid magic trick/stunt that someone is attempting in the near future...and it kept me entertained for a while. but the moral of the story is, i really didnt get going on the road (in the right direction) until almost 7...when i had been planning on leaving at 7. i guess thats what happens when im accountable for myself that early in the morning.
in the days leading up to my trip, and talking to everyone about when i leave, how i drive there, and all that jazz, i was reminded about how much i love making the drive...sometimes. if you get on the road at the right time, when you are at the end of your first wind, finally starting to feel the immensity of the drive ahead of you - that is when the sun comes up. and it is a beautiful, inspiring thing. i have never been a morning person, so unless it was an exceptionally long night, the only time i get to see this beautiful phenomena is at the dawn of a day of driving. it is so...refreshing, calming, and it just helps me find my center in some weird, inexplicable way.
however, despite my timing issues on this particular journey, it would have made no difference whatsoever. it was a gloomy and anti climatic sunrise followed only my rain and more overcast skies. when i was loading up the car, it started to rain...and the last trip from my house to the car was a slow motion kind of moment for me. i don't know if that happens for anyone else...but it was just one of those moments when i felt alive. something about the anticipation, the time of day...the feeling of the start of something new, all mixed with the anxiety and the cleansing effect emotionally and physically evoked with each new rain, i really felt.
after giving up on bobby bones around kyle, texas ( i didn't last long at all ) i turned on panic at the disco's pretty. odd. panic's a fever you can't sweat out used to be my "middle of the drive hump" cd to wake me back up from the monotonous louisiana stretch of 20. ironically, if you weren't aware, there was a very fitting lyric considering the mixed emotions about the rain and gloom surrounding me. there are a few lyrics i took note of during the drive, and i'm not going to really explain them...they just stand out.
i'm not complaining that it's raining,
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .
the overcast skies were killer - it wasn't one of those all-encompassing black masses of a sky, more of a looming gray with just enough light pouring through to send the most faint, piercing headache to the place right behind your eyes. the kind of day that sunglasses just can't help without putting a dense screen between yourself and the world around you. so what do you do? embrace the headache and try to squint enough to forget it was there to begin with.
i know the world's a broken bone,
but melt your headaches call it home.
but melt your headaches call it home.
i actually really wish i had planned that last bit. about the headaches and the corresponding lyrics. but really, those lyrics were the next note on my memo pad about this blog. and the gloom was second hand to the sun in the last bit about the weather, so it was only fitting that it followed the rain and sun explanation. synchronicity at work my friends...it happens in strange, frightening, and unexpected ways.
if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.
if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.
you've never been so divine in accepting your defeat
and i've never been more scared to be alone.
and i've never been more scared to be alone.
i guess i am a hypocrite for liking folkin' around but hating country music. there are always exceptions i suppose.
9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.
9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.
so, pull me under
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed
(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)
i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed
(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)
i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .
something about the uncertainty and hesitation associated with the music stopping just...fits. falter is the perfect word for it. i am intrinsically drawn and connected with music in all facets of my life, and i let myself invest everything in it.
am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.
don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.
next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.
am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.
don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.
next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.
i'm just stuck trying to relive the past. . .will somebody please save me?
i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me
the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me
all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .
i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.
bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.
i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me
the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me
all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .
i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.
bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.
i love and adore bryce, but fragments really reach me the same way that all of andrew's work reaches me. i have to step outside of myself to truly appreciate bryce and imagine what it would be like to be truly happy or optimistic, which can be quite invigorating but also trying. it ends up depressing me more thinking about how i could view life...but don't.
i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.
then something corporate's north.
it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.
after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.
i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.
then something corporate's north.
the blood that's boiling in my veins and the food i can't keep down
it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.
after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.
it'd be so easy to lose myself to you.
after we the kings, was jack's mannequin the glass passenger.
the freeway is just like veins without a heart.
every road has a beginning and an end...but it is not always clear where it will take you. physically, maybe you can deduce the result from exit to exit, traffic light to stop sign, but there is no telling what waits for you at the end of each venture. there is no personal consideration, no compassion from the road beneath your feet, your tires as to what awaits you at your destination. it is impersonal, a means to an end without any real reason except to transport you from one place in your life to the next.
around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.
around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
long story short, i almost ran out of gas. i used the garmin to try and find the closest gas station and it took me way off the highway...to a place that didn't exist. so between me not knowing the mileage of my brother's car and not knowing how long it was going to be until i found a real gas station, not a fictitious building in the middle of arcadia, louisiana. i found one after over 30 miles with the low fuel light on....for four dollars a gallon. AWESOME. oh well, then i made it to another gas station after only putting in a couple gallons at the last station, and filled up. yet again, i was substantially set back in terms of my arrival time.
then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.
so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.
well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.
we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.
then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.
i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.
katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.
i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.
now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)
oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.
then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.
so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.
well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.
we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.
then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.
i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.
katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.
i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.
now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)
oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.
yes you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
....i don't know what to say. i'm upset. i hope you're happy. okay, that sounds more bitter than i intended. i'd say "at least you're happy," but i don't know if you are. which is why i hope you are...because i'm not.
i start to trust you, and i just get one giant slap in the face...i guess it is what i deserve for being this naive.
i like you. i want to trust you. i guess you owe me twice now.
i start to trust you, and i just get one giant slap in the face...i guess it is what i deserve for being this naive.
i like you. i want to trust you. i guess you owe me twice now.
if you are reading this, it's about time you know it ~all.
almost three months ago.
almost three months ago.
on a lighter note, on the way to ratatat. sold out bitches...it should be a blast.
hold me closer tiny dancer
some days just thinking about him makes me sick to my stomach. i wish you would let me back in your life in some capacity. i will keep waiting.
i really don't want to go to work tonight, i feel so ill. i had a mole removed at my appointment with the dermatologist today. gross. the anesthetic made me so so nauseous. i have to go back in a couple weeks to get the larger one removed since it is going to require stitches, but then i think i'm done. fuck yeah.
seriously, i want to throw up.
i watched almost famous and dead poets' society with my mom this morning. almost famous is one of my favorite movies ever, it never gets old.
ugh, i can't do this right now. update after work.
i really don't want to go to work tonight, i feel so ill. i had a mole removed at my appointment with the dermatologist today. gross. the anesthetic made me so so nauseous. i have to go back in a couple weeks to get the larger one removed since it is going to require stitches, but then i think i'm done. fuck yeah.
seriously, i want to throw up.
i watched almost famous and dead poets' society with my mom this morning. almost famous is one of my favorite movies ever, it never gets old.
ugh, i can't do this right now. update after work.
i was getting lost. yeah, i was getting so lost.
"It's in the palm of my hands
At the top of my lungs
It's in the back of my head now
It's headed to the front
Wherever it lands
That's where it's gonna be
I will put it down on paper now for passersby to read"
At the top of my lungs
It's in the back of my head now
It's headed to the front
Wherever it lands
That's where it's gonna be
I will put it down on paper now for passersby to read"
last night was anthony green, good old war, and personL at stubb's jr. it was my first indoor show at stubb's, which was interesting. i love love love anthony's new stuff, very cool shit. check out avalon if you haven't already. good old war was really tight, but i prefered their energy when they played with anthony. maybe they are more conservative in their own set since they have to play two back to back? idk. and person L. holy. shit. blown away. everything i had heard about them was dead on. i got to talk to kenny for a few minutes, but i had nothing to say...i was just in awe. i mean, i've seen the starting line i few times in my day, and i've even met him before...but now i really just...appreciate him. ugh. i wish i wasn't such an awkward kid some days.
kenny.is.the.shit.
everyone at the show was either chill and cool as shit, or annoying as fuck. unfortunately, i was surrounded by both. some really sweet guys from dallas were right by me and asked if i wanted to stand in front of them when they saw i was into personL and couldn't see around them. they were super cool and considerate the whole show. one of the guys was a big kenny fan and we just talked about how astonished we were, blah blah blah. and we talked about anthony...and all the annoying kids around us. cool as shit. i wish i had the nerve to like...get to know him. or even have asked his name. i'm such a pussy about that kind of thing. SO nervous around boys now.
about five or six songs into anthony i started feeling like shit. at first i thought my gum was making me nauseous or something so i spit it out...then i felt queasy so i stepped back and rested against the wall a bit more than i was. then i got that drowning-oh-shit-i'm-about-to-pass-out feeling. it has only ever happened to me...like three times in my whole life and i have no idea what caused it, but i straight up almost passed the fuck out. so i tried to work my way through the crowd without falling over which was a bit of work considering how close i was to blacking out, and called it a night early.
i think i was really dehydrated or something stupid. oh well. i've seen anthony a shit load of times before, i know i'll see him again.
pictures of good old war and personL soon. none of anthony because of the bailing early but oh well.
oh, so my new doctor is cool as shit. real easy to talk to...which was good because idk why but i was completely hysterical this time. something about reciting the past three years of medical history just really unsettles me. i had cryo, which was pretty fucking painful if you ask me, but it seems like this may be the end for now. if it was successful i theoretically don't have to worry about any imminent threat for at least the next 8 years. fuck. yeah.
red fingernail polish peeling like a sunburn.
"that black designer dress looks better underneath our feet, your knees in the dirt."
dirty. i'm loving it. it kinda reminds me of fall out boy though. anyone know what i'm talking about? i'll love you forever if you can figurer it out...it's not obscure or anything. it's actually on from under the cork tree.
dirty. i'm loving it. it kinda reminds me of fall out boy though. anyone know what i'm talking about? i'll love you forever if you can figurer it out...it's not obscure or anything. it's actually on from under the cork tree.
the glass passenger hits so hard it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. the way it makes me feel....i almost can't handle it. sam and i have spoken about people who we were meant to cross and whose paths are intertwined, and i'm sure that andrew is among them. if only i had been able to look outside my medicated, boxed-in little mind, stuck in the moment, and could see the big picture. it is such a hard line to walk - living in the moment, while keeping your bearings among the scope of the world. it's a daily struggle, but it is the only way to live.
i hate acronyms. i hate hospitals. i hate having to know so much about my disease i might as well have a medical degree. ASCUS, ASCH, AGC, AIS, LSIL, HSIL. what's the difference between a squamous cell and a squamous lesion? what's the latest treatment according to the ACOG protocol? i mean. what. the. fuck.
oh yeah, surgery is postponed until this friday. joy.
you know what else is fucked up? reading your own medical records. i just skimmed the highlights...and some of that shit blew me away. i've been screened for depression multiple times before i turned 16. who knew? i didn't. apparently my parents had some idea what i was in for, but did they seek treatment? no. they let me turn into a fuck up.
i hate acronyms. i hate hospitals. i hate having to know so much about my disease i might as well have a medical degree. ASCUS, ASCH, AGC, AIS, LSIL, HSIL. what's the difference between a squamous cell and a squamous lesion? what's the latest treatment according to the ACOG protocol? i mean. what. the. fuck.
oh yeah, surgery is postponed until this friday. joy.
you know what else is fucked up? reading your own medical records. i just skimmed the highlights...and some of that shit blew me away. i've been screened for depression multiple times before i turned 16. who knew? i didn't. apparently my parents had some idea what i was in for, but did they seek treatment? no. they let me turn into a fuck up.
i also hate being sick. i think most doctors are full of shit. no, a salt water gargle is not going to cure me of my 101.6 degree fever i had for four hours. no, a nasal spray isn't going to get rid of my tension headaches. you have a coupon for it from the pharmaceutical rep though? how convenient. i am finally mobile again, but still miserable. i've been running a fever since late friday night and i have been miserable. chris and i were joking that i had the plague.
i saw sarah, my baby girl, and i tried oysters for the first time. it was interesting. not half as interesting as our whole flounder, bones, tail and all. it almost made me lose my appetite looking at it. good conversation though.
anyways, being sick, i've missed two concerts, two shifts, a night out on the town, and i've been completely bedridden. it is miserable. i'm still miserable, but at least i can move and talk again.
you know what else i hate? viral marketing. fuck you fbr/dd AND copeland with all your nonsense. it makes my head hurt. i mean- for real?
we had it all in front of us, you were the one i was in love
my little sister is listening to everything in transit. it makes me want to bust out crying. the glass passenger makes me cry, but it doesn't move me the same way (yet)...i'm not sure anything will ever live up to what everything in transit has meant to me.
so next week is going to be a little...packed. hopefully it all works out.
i didn't wake up until noon today. sore throat, headache. i feel like shit :( i hope it is just allergies.
so next week is going to be a little...packed. hopefully it all works out.
i didn't wake up until noon today. sore throat, headache. i feel like shit :( i hope it is just allergies.
if you'd just trust in me, you know i trust you.
recap? i'm back in austin. i've withdrawn from school from the semester. surgery a week from today. i'm ready...for the breakdown. i will fill in with more details but not at this exact moment. here's a rough outline of my life, a swift arc through the past two-three weeks of my life. i feel my strength coming back with every day i'm away from my meds.
july 31st - 2nd day in birmingham. wait for sam to get off work. drive around. go get pizza with chris. go to this cool record store. chris and sam find some amazing records at check-out. go to the india shoppe and piece shopping. go over to mitch's to drink. apples to apples. drinking with jesus. purp. vinyl. beer. good conversation. sigur ros cd. sam and i bail because she has to go to work. i text mitch and sam ends up bringing me back. awkward trying to stay awake with caleb, chris, and mitch listening to steely dan until i'm about to pass out. conversation about the spiritual meaning of my relapse. fate. how things happen for a reason, ie. invisible children. more awkwardness and more amazingness. more good music. top of the world. piercings, tattoos, soul, spirit. everything bared. ripped wide open, swept off my feet. looking into someones eyes and seeing myself. no sleep.
august 1st- sushi. coffee at barnes and noble. salvation army. sitting in lawn furniture trying to think of something to do. hot as balls.
august 2nd- sat at barnes and noble. iced tea and carmel frapp. two copies of ap, hm, blender, spin. analyzing every ad, article, opinion, picture, review. good, bad, in between. looked at a bunch of ayn rand, inspirational, and spiritual stuff. talked about narnia on the way to see prince caspian at the dollar theater. candid talk about being medicated, being sick. prince caspian was just as good the second time. shocked that he made a reference to the resemblance of the actor playing prince caspian and william beckett of the academy is. singing along to our worlds' divorce. lunch was at some mexican restaurant if i remember correctly. moved out of sams. show at cave 9. red dog alley cd release.
august 3rd- .picking up his guitar and playing along to the everglow. the dark knight. pizza. barnes and noble, shopping, while he is at work earlier that day. too tired to head over to coreys. no answer from sam. called it a night...kinda. very chill day.
august 4th- started requiem for a dream while napping. bad choice. planet smoothie. be here now. umphree's mcgee. starbucks. african red bush, mae, and a pad of paper. bought refills for my coach planner, underwear at victorias secret. i always imagined underwear shopping would be embarassing with a guy, but it is so much worse when all the clerks know the guy and not you. moe and the best smoothie of my life. sam and chris flake out on dinner. purple onion with corey and mitch. lots of conversation about greece, europop, and pop punk music. listen to driver f, we the kings, this providence. go back to mitchs to change for the party. bits and pieces of what comes next remain, but no clear picture. me changing into my swimsuit. him on the bed with his guitar. my anxiety about the ex coming in town. the one he told me he thought he was going to marry....the one i caused him to change his mind about. accusations thrown. tears. crying. the seriousness of the situation pressing down upon us. reality finally setting in.
august 5th- finish requiem for a dream after being released. slept through a lot of arguing apparently. moved back to sams until i was well enough to drive early the next morning.
august 6th- birmingham to memphis. bullshit with being on the list for jacks....dinner with grant.
tried to find tattoo parlor but failed.
august 7th- another failed attempt at getting my tattoo done. packing. dinner and beale with phoebe. paper route, phantom planet, jack's mannequin and paramore at mud island amphitheater. saw mandy, alex, and a bunch of phoebe's friends. sat next to some cool ass kids, who unfortunately had never heard of jack's. poop on them. they loved their set though, so right on. paramore put on a good show. swim instead of the resolution. synchronicity?
august 8th- packed in memphis, drove from memphis to jackson and then packed in jackson.
august 9th- drove from jackson to austin. got in town around....6. gotta love 600 miles of driving.
august 10th- the morning light. steel train. the cab. the hush sound.
august 11th- first day of work. cashier/server at hot wok cafe. ma li is the shit. sara trained me.
august 12th- second day of work. 10:30-2:30. 5:00-9:00. pineapple express with chris.
august 13th- day off. tropic thunder with chris and patrick. watched gladiator. in the land of women. hollywoodland.
august 14th- work from 10:30-2:30, 4:00-7:45. met up with kel and john. steiner for the first time in a long long time. mcdonalds. fnmtv on dvr.
august 15th- work today from noon to 7:30. was supposed to be 11:30-2:30 but missy called in sick so i got to cover the whole day basically.
"It's tragic," she says to me.
A song in the air, we're together floating.
What I miss everyday since our goodbye
was enough for me to realize.
Woah woah, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Well, nothing feels good being under the gun.
Woah oh, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Is it ever gonna come?"
A song in the air, we're together floating.
What I miss everyday since our goodbye
was enough for me to realize.
Woah woah, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Well, nothing feels good being under the gun.
Woah oh, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Is it ever gonna come?"
july 31st - 2nd day in birmingham. wait for sam to get off work. drive around. go get pizza with chris. go to this cool record store. chris and sam find some amazing records at check-out. go to the india shoppe and piece shopping. go over to mitch's to drink. apples to apples. drinking with jesus. purp. vinyl. beer. good conversation. sigur ros cd. sam and i bail because she has to go to work. i text mitch and sam ends up bringing me back. awkward trying to stay awake with caleb, chris, and mitch listening to steely dan until i'm about to pass out. conversation about the spiritual meaning of my relapse. fate. how things happen for a reason, ie. invisible children. more awkwardness and more amazingness. more good music. top of the world. piercings, tattoos, soul, spirit. everything bared. ripped wide open, swept off my feet. looking into someones eyes and seeing myself. no sleep.
august 1st- sushi. coffee at barnes and noble. salvation army. sitting in lawn furniture trying to think of something to do. hot as balls.
august 2nd- sat at barnes and noble. iced tea and carmel frapp. two copies of ap, hm, blender, spin. analyzing every ad, article, opinion, picture, review. good, bad, in between. looked at a bunch of ayn rand, inspirational, and spiritual stuff. talked about narnia on the way to see prince caspian at the dollar theater. candid talk about being medicated, being sick. prince caspian was just as good the second time. shocked that he made a reference to the resemblance of the actor playing prince caspian and william beckett of the academy is. singing along to our worlds' divorce. lunch was at some mexican restaurant if i remember correctly. moved out of sams. show at cave 9. red dog alley cd release.
august 3rd- .picking up his guitar and playing along to the everglow. the dark knight. pizza. barnes and noble, shopping, while he is at work earlier that day. too tired to head over to coreys. no answer from sam. called it a night...kinda. very chill day.
august 4th- started requiem for a dream while napping. bad choice. planet smoothie. be here now. umphree's mcgee. starbucks. african red bush, mae, and a pad of paper. bought refills for my coach planner, underwear at victorias secret. i always imagined underwear shopping would be embarassing with a guy, but it is so much worse when all the clerks know the guy and not you. moe and the best smoothie of my life. sam and chris flake out on dinner. purple onion with corey and mitch. lots of conversation about greece, europop, and pop punk music. listen to driver f, we the kings, this providence. go back to mitchs to change for the party. bits and pieces of what comes next remain, but no clear picture. me changing into my swimsuit. him on the bed with his guitar. my anxiety about the ex coming in town. the one he told me he thought he was going to marry....the one i caused him to change his mind about. accusations thrown. tears. crying. the seriousness of the situation pressing down upon us. reality finally setting in.
august 5th- finish requiem for a dream after being released. slept through a lot of arguing apparently. moved back to sams until i was well enough to drive early the next morning.
august 6th- birmingham to memphis. bullshit with being on the list for jacks....dinner with grant.
tried to find tattoo parlor but failed.
august 7th- another failed attempt at getting my tattoo done. packing. dinner and beale with phoebe. paper route, phantom planet, jack's mannequin and paramore at mud island amphitheater. saw mandy, alex, and a bunch of phoebe's friends. sat next to some cool ass kids, who unfortunately had never heard of jack's. poop on them. they loved their set though, so right on. paramore put on a good show. swim instead of the resolution. synchronicity?
august 8th- packed in memphis, drove from memphis to jackson and then packed in jackson.
august 9th- drove from jackson to austin. got in town around....6. gotta love 600 miles of driving.
august 10th- the morning light. steel train. the cab. the hush sound.
august 11th- first day of work. cashier/server at hot wok cafe. ma li is the shit. sara trained me.
august 12th- second day of work. 10:30-2:30. 5:00-9:00. pineapple express with chris.
august 13th- day off. tropic thunder with chris and patrick. watched gladiator. in the land of women. hollywoodland.
august 14th- work from 10:30-2:30, 4:00-7:45. met up with kel and john. steiner for the first time in a long long time. mcdonalds. fnmtv on dvr.
august 15th- work today from noon to 7:30. was supposed to be 11:30-2:30 but missy called in sick so i got to cover the whole day basically.
i'm alone but i aint lonely, for a dreamer night's the only time of day
so nothing too interesting to update - this is my last night of internet access for a couple of days though, i'm about to head out to my family's beach house on dauphin island in the morning.
right now i'm in mobile, which isn't exactly ideal but i'll take what i can get. i left memphis wednesday morning, doctor, met up with rachel, took a 2.5 second nap in galloway. p.s. that construction is freaking annoying. glad i'm not on campus all summer - sorry to those of you who are. we got sal and mookie's take out for dinner after i picked her up from work, then we came back and watched an episode or two or weeds.
oh yeah, that's what i've done this week. watch tv online - all. week. tuesday i watched the entire season of dirty sexy money, because my mom of all people suggested i see it. wednesday, season one and half of season two of weeds. thursday, finished season two and halfway through season three. and then last night i caught up in season four. needless to say, i'm hooked. nancy is way too precious for her own good, i have a girl crush on her. oh, but way too much sex on that show though... just saying.
wednesday night i had dinner with phoebe at young avenue, and it was nice to spend some time with her - it had been way too long. however, we had our hopes up that some decent band was going to be playing since they showed up with legit merch and everything....not exactly what we were expecting, only to be disappointed. it was this random band that i had seen play at naca (all of you who know what naca is or have ever been....you should understand) which was kinda funny, but definitely not worth sitting through.
backtrack earlier that day. jager called me - talk about a blast from the past. my mom had actually mentioned him before we went to the warhol exhibit at the brooks and then just a few days later i get a call from him. it was only slightly suspect when he mentioned that he was single again, but we had a good heart to heart. we really did always get along well, and i truly think we are platonically drawn to one another - it was really good for life to come full circle like that at this particular juncture.
friday, i got the chance to sleep in, then headed over to the doctor for my biopsy with rach. i'm really glad she came with me - i'm not letting myself do this alone again. needless to say, rachel and i have now brought our friendship to a whole new level - but i wouldn't have it any other way (rachel, if you're reading this don't find that creepy. i mean, you saw me grow green for god's sake). i don't know what the deal was but i was about to fucking kick my doctor in the head because either she wasn't doing a good job or she was using bad instruments and kept taking bad samples. as much as i LOVE being awake while getting tissue samples cut out and all...three should be enough to deal with, but no. i must have done something to have such terrible karma, because an extra three or four samples is not something anyone deserves to go through.
oh, and liquid eyeliner is a bad choice when getting a biopsy. crying will ensue. i looked like an idiot. i'm also glad rach dealt with me being a big baby
we got coffee, picked up her car, and then my aunt came to pick me up and drive me down to mobile. we did some shopping today, but power outages were pretty annoying. i just got back from seeing x-files with my dad, i was uber disappointed. i mean...it was disturbing and all, but not what i was expecting at all.
i'm watching this documentary on the history channel about batman right now - and all i can do when i see christian bale is think of newsies. has anyone else ever seen this? i was obsessed with this musical from the day it came out. i can probably still quote it from beginning to end, and i still love it. starr, andy, and i used to watch it after school when we were supposed to be studying for latin in high school. so lame, i know, but i totally embrace it. btw, christian bale plays jack kelly, a runaway cowboy newsboy in turn of the century new york, with full dance and music numbers and a horrible new york accent. love it. check that shit out.
vs. 
well, dauphin island in the morning - let's hope all the peace holds out with this much of my family in one place at one time. btw - my sister is the sweetest and most adorable thing in the world.
right now i'm in mobile, which isn't exactly ideal but i'll take what i can get. i left memphis wednesday morning, doctor, met up with rachel, took a 2.5 second nap in galloway. p.s. that construction is freaking annoying. glad i'm not on campus all summer - sorry to those of you who are. we got sal and mookie's take out for dinner after i picked her up from work, then we came back and watched an episode or two or weeds.
oh yeah, that's what i've done this week. watch tv online - all. week. tuesday i watched the entire season of dirty sexy money, because my mom of all people suggested i see it. wednesday, season one and half of season two of weeds. thursday, finished season two and halfway through season three. and then last night i caught up in season four. needless to say, i'm hooked. nancy is way too precious for her own good, i have a girl crush on her. oh, but way too much sex on that show though... just saying.
wednesday night i had dinner with phoebe at young avenue, and it was nice to spend some time with her - it had been way too long. however, we had our hopes up that some decent band was going to be playing since they showed up with legit merch and everything....not exactly what we were expecting, only to be disappointed. it was this random band that i had seen play at naca (all of you who know what naca is or have ever been....you should understand) which was kinda funny, but definitely not worth sitting through.
backtrack earlier that day. jager called me - talk about a blast from the past. my mom had actually mentioned him before we went to the warhol exhibit at the brooks and then just a few days later i get a call from him. it was only slightly suspect when he mentioned that he was single again, but we had a good heart to heart. we really did always get along well, and i truly think we are platonically drawn to one another - it was really good for life to come full circle like that at this particular juncture.
friday, i got the chance to sleep in, then headed over to the doctor for my biopsy with rach. i'm really glad she came with me - i'm not letting myself do this alone again. needless to say, rachel and i have now brought our friendship to a whole new level - but i wouldn't have it any other way (rachel, if you're reading this don't find that creepy. i mean, you saw me grow green for god's sake). i don't know what the deal was but i was about to fucking kick my doctor in the head because either she wasn't doing a good job or she was using bad instruments and kept taking bad samples. as much as i LOVE being awake while getting tissue samples cut out and all...three should be enough to deal with, but no. i must have done something to have such terrible karma, because an extra three or four samples is not something anyone deserves to go through.
oh, and liquid eyeliner is a bad choice when getting a biopsy. crying will ensue. i looked like an idiot. i'm also glad rach dealt with me being a big baby
we got coffee, picked up her car, and then my aunt came to pick me up and drive me down to mobile. we did some shopping today, but power outages were pretty annoying. i just got back from seeing x-files with my dad, i was uber disappointed. i mean...it was disturbing and all, but not what i was expecting at all.
i'm watching this documentary on the history channel about batman right now - and all i can do when i see christian bale is think of newsies. has anyone else ever seen this? i was obsessed with this musical from the day it came out. i can probably still quote it from beginning to end, and i still love it. starr, andy, and i used to watch it after school when we were supposed to be studying for latin in high school. so lame, i know, but i totally embrace it. btw, christian bale plays jack kelly, a runaway cowboy newsboy in turn of the century new york, with full dance and music numbers and a horrible new york accent. love it. check that shit out.
vs. well, dauphin island in the morning - let's hope all the peace holds out with this much of my family in one place at one time. btw - my sister is the sweetest and most adorable thing in the world.
did it all get real? i guess it's real enough
"I'm caught,
somewhere in between alive
and living a dream.
No peace."
somewhere in between alive
and living a dream.
No peace."
I don't know where to begin. I guess I will start with the facts, and then move into the reality...or how i perceive it. So, everything begins Tuesday July 8th - well, kinda. I flew back from Austin the day before....spent some time with some friends. Actually, ha, I started this blog on that Tuesday. If you look at the old blogs...you will see nothing was "wrong" per se, just uneasiness and general melancholy.
I had a doctor's appointment, following up on medicine/hormone stuff after my surgery in March, and my doctor decided that since I was up for my annual in a month and a half or so, it would be silly to come back - so I had it then. Just the usual follow-ups expected with my previous surgery, and she said verbatim - "I don't see anything to worry about, I don't know why you keep getting these same results." (Note: I have been at some level of at least mild dysplasia since I was like...17). Anyways, I drive back to Memphis that day and get on with my life, not particularly worried about the tests and only slightly concerned with my upcoming dermatology appointment to remove what appears to be a benign mole (little bit of concern since my younger brother has already had skin cancer and this mole showed up after a bad sunburn in greece, but moving on).
Jump ahead one week. Tuesday July 15th. Just after lunch. I had already updated my blog, checked my e-mail, myspace, facebook, livejournal a couple dozen times and had no work to do so I'm just laying down on the couch in Kent's office reading Middlesex and chatting with Ongeleigh about tattoos to pass the time. Kent gets back from his meeting so I go back to mindless internet surfing on my computer. Then, in quick succession, I receive two e-mails notifying me that Alandra had lost her battle with cancer the day before. I am heart-broken. I can't say I was extremely close to her, or that we hung out more often than I do with most people on campus, but I adored her. She was always the one to stay after chapter or sisterhood events and help clean-up...going the extra mile even when no one asked. Her sarcasm made her feel like a kindred spirit and we did have some good times. She was so open, so direct, it almost makes me feel guilty to be so upset about losing her - I know she would have something witty to say that would make me feel like an idiot for being so sappy right now. We spent hours together last summer working on inane decorations for bid day, joking around and laughing more than working most of the time. And my last real, personal memory of her was at St. Jude day at Chili's - we all went to the Chili's out in Madison and I showed up late and squeezed in at the booth with her and a few others. The girls at the booth were enjoying their margaritas and laughing about getting drunk to save lives, and making lewd inappropriate jokes....and talking about certain online purchases they were anticipating the arrival of. There was nothing but honesty with Alandra, and I will miss her. I was afraid to keep in touch with her, which I truly regret, not only because I was afraid to get to close to anyone, but I was particularly afraid of getting closer with her.
Beyond grief, loss, extreme sadness....i felt so selfish. I was afraid, I was panicked. Alandra is the fifth person I have known to have died that I considered myself close to, and it still hasn't gotten easier. With her...and Jordy...this summer has been a time of beginnings and ends. I'm just not sure where they meet, it all seems to blend together now. And it also makes me wonder - is this a beginning or an end for me?
Fast forward, not twenty-four hours later. I feel sick to my stomach and I am too torn up to go to work Wednesday, so I call in and tell Jay I can't make it because of the circumstances...it is just too much for me to handle.
Then, small set back - Webb messages me back on facebook and tells me he is going to be an Invisible Children roadie for the fall. So, my ex is living my dream, not me. I'm glad I wasn't the most passionate one about it or anything
So, recap up until 10 am Wednesday morning - grief, loss, panic, fear, inadequacy, terror, an inexplicable hole in my heart, my entire being unsettled.
This was just the beginning.
As I am brooding over my shortcomings and my frustration at not being able to drive the five hours to the funeral...my phone rings. I assumed it was someone responding to one of my angry text messages about the invisible children thing, but I looked at the caller ID and my heart sank. It was my doctor.
Let me sidetrack for a second and fill in those of you who don't realize what this call means. When these kinds of tests are fine, they just send you a nice little letter saying everything is fine and dandy, and it shows up on your doorstep a month later with a bill attached. They don't bother to let you know in a timely manner when everything is okay, they only make personal contact when something is wrong.
And it was.
Since I am getting emotional just rethinking the phone call, I'm going to skip the play by play. I am officially relapsing. Before, I had "the makings of cancer" if you will, which was spreading and progressing so they surgically removed it all immediately. I had known for a year and a half that it was there, but thanks to the modern marvels of medicine - they were able to tell me that I had it, but i would be sick in a week....or in a decade. But the progression happened, surgery happened, recovery, clean bill of health, I barely made it through with my sanity. Do you know what it is like to have something like that hanging over you head? And then the moment you get used to it, thinking it is harmless and it falls to the back of your mind, it becomes real. Then it is over again before you know it. Talk about going through a gamut of emotions.
This time, there isn't a question about when i will be sick - i am. I am not in a quasi-cancer stage, or a maybe, potentially, it's a possibility that it's cancer stage. I have cancer. Its hard to type those three words. I feel like I need some kind of punctuation or annotation to explain the impact of those words...but it is simple. After all, it is just a fact so I guess that is the only way to say it. Try to get me to say it on the phone - I talk around it for like a minute before I can finally work up the nerve to form the words. Every time I type it, think it, speak it, write it, it becomes a reality more and more so than the last.
I don't want to do this alone. I find myself still trying to "be strong" on the outside and act like it is okay but it's not. I'm falling apart and I don't know if I can fight through it again, especially if it is worse. I am too weak, physically, mentally, spiritually to do this again.
I can't keep talking about this right now....I'm falling apart here at the keyboard and I can't think straight through the tears and the shaking. I have cancer. I don't want to die.
As I am brooding over my shortcomings and my frustration at not being able to drive the five hours to the funeral...my phone rings. I assumed it was someone responding to one of my angry text messages about the invisible children thing, but I looked at the caller ID and my heart sank. It was my doctor.
Let me sidetrack for a second and fill in those of you who don't realize what this call means. When these kinds of tests are fine, they just send you a nice little letter saying everything is fine and dandy, and it shows up on your doorstep a month later with a bill attached. They don't bother to let you know in a timely manner when everything is okay, they only make personal contact when something is wrong.
And it was.
Since I am getting emotional just rethinking the phone call, I'm going to skip the play by play. I am officially relapsing. Before, I had "the makings of cancer" if you will, which was spreading and progressing so they surgically removed it all immediately. I had known for a year and a half that it was there, but thanks to the modern marvels of medicine - they were able to tell me that I had it, but i would be sick in a week....or in a decade. But the progression happened, surgery happened, recovery, clean bill of health, I barely made it through with my sanity. Do you know what it is like to have something like that hanging over you head? And then the moment you get used to it, thinking it is harmless and it falls to the back of your mind, it becomes real. Then it is over again before you know it. Talk about going through a gamut of emotions.
This time, there isn't a question about when i will be sick - i am. I am not in a quasi-cancer stage, or a maybe, potentially, it's a possibility that it's cancer stage. I have cancer. Its hard to type those three words. I feel like I need some kind of punctuation or annotation to explain the impact of those words...but it is simple. After all, it is just a fact so I guess that is the only way to say it. Try to get me to say it on the phone - I talk around it for like a minute before I can finally work up the nerve to form the words. Every time I type it, think it, speak it, write it, it becomes a reality more and more so than the last.
I don't want to do this alone. I find myself still trying to "be strong" on the outside and act like it is okay but it's not. I'm falling apart and I don't know if I can fight through it again, especially if it is worse. I am too weak, physically, mentally, spiritually to do this again.
I can't keep talking about this right now....I'm falling apart here at the keyboard and I can't think straight through the tears and the shaking. I have cancer. I don't want to die.
"Still I'm ready to fight.
Have my lungs,
but you can't take my sight.
The walls caved in,
Tonight."
can i be as brave as him? my wrist is a reminder, but i can never be like him - i am too weak.
i'm finding the words.
sleep is not coming easy for a while.
i've been avoiding this post. a lot has happened since wednesday...and i will right about it, but i still don't think i'm ready. as a prelude to this, my mom and i went to st. jude for a tour (she came in town after i got my results, and we have been doing tourist-y memphis things since thursday...and we went there of all places). i have three things to share, that all resonate and are all pertinent. at least you will have an idea of what is coming, and what these past few days have been for me.
if little kids can have this courage, and are way worse off than i am, i shouldn't be this afraid. but i am.i hope i can do this again.
but i don't really want to think about those things anymore
disconnected, separation of mind and actions, empty space filled with apathy. tunnel vision, no end in sight, fumbling blindly in the dark. pills to offset pills to offset impending disaster. mind numbing terror, hoping my world doesn't crash down again - one test could stand between me and my fate, between me and what the future holds. i am terrified of what i have faced, what i am becoming, if i can live through this last year one more time. inconspicuous symptoms, blinding fear, uncertainty around every corner. i try to hide behind this empty shell, behind my aspirations that crumble from their inception. why commit to another meaningless endeavor when i might have to break my heart and let it go again...to be able to live with myself, being forced to throw it all away hoping for a clean ending, not wanting to admit defeat to everyone around me - while i have been defeated all along.
crumbling facade, rotting from the inside out. good enough to the passerby, but the wary eye sees the imperfections lying below the surface. what does a sick person look like? can deadly cells and deadlier diseases be seen from the outside? or does the pain lie in the eyes seen only by those who care to look. where is the warning, or the sirens and cries for help? they don't count when no certainty exists.
judge, but don't feign understanding. you think time can heal all wounds, but it just allows the pain to lay dormant, unsuspecting until the next. shadows of a physical pain linger in every moment. all that is left of all this noise is a few scars worse for the wear. burning out, smokeless, not a flare on the horizon. can someone save a sinking ship, bound to keep taking on water with no warning...im afraid im bound to stick this out alone. i miss home, i miss the days when i was young and naive, i miss the painless dreams.
i hate the morbidity of this day to day routine. the days blend to nights then bleed into another day - suspended between life and sleep, unsure of which is harder to face. vacillating, never settled in my own skin - it no longer belongs to me, but to what has come to define me.
crumbling facade, rotting from the inside out. good enough to the passerby, but the wary eye sees the imperfections lying below the surface. what does a sick person look like? can deadly cells and deadlier diseases be seen from the outside? or does the pain lie in the eyes seen only by those who care to look. where is the warning, or the sirens and cries for help? they don't count when no certainty exists.
judge, but don't feign understanding. you think time can heal all wounds, but it just allows the pain to lay dormant, unsuspecting until the next. shadows of a physical pain linger in every moment. all that is left of all this noise is a few scars worse for the wear. burning out, smokeless, not a flare on the horizon. can someone save a sinking ship, bound to keep taking on water with no warning...im afraid im bound to stick this out alone. i miss home, i miss the days when i was young and naive, i miss the painless dreams.
i hate the morbidity of this day to day routine. the days blend to nights then bleed into another day - suspended between life and sleep, unsure of which is harder to face. vacillating, never settled in my own skin - it no longer belongs to me, but to what has come to define me.
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