Showing posts with label stream of consciousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stream of consciousness. Show all posts
sense and memory
rain. there are some things you can never forget. now let's take it back to january, a timid heart and open ended scene. five years. why is that so hard to grasp? small, fading flashes of light, water pouring down the windows, hands frozen at 10 and 2. terrified, persistent ringing, tires gliding. why does my heart stop every time it rains? walking back from dinner, smile on my face, phone in my hand. laughs and breaths mimicking the persistent fall, little beginnings and endings punctuating the space and air around me. the space between drops gets smaller and smaller, more condensed, and then the memory floods back, water passing under my feet. phone in hand, nervous. also waiting for a few words from a boy. this time i'm not in control, i'm not behind the wheel...i'm being shuttled ahead without any say and the buzzing of incoming news grows louder, more desperate with each minute that it doesn't come. then it does. the world keeps moving, but my mind does not. it is always the rain. the rain levels the field, eliminates the control, steals things that aren't meant to be taken. a life, one smile, another page in the story. i keep smiling for you. courtney. the way the rain permeates my skin, the same way it has sunk into us all. another laugh, another glance. increasing downpour, seeming to never diminish. courtney. at least the ghosts of the past linger here in the shadows, the sensations, all a part of the harmonious cycle of things that were, are, and will be.
don't pretend you'll ever forget 'bout me
i'm so dejected right now. that's my watchword. i'm very lonely, but yesterday was a good day, for the most part. i don't know, it was great, but the little bad bits kind of outweigh it all, i think. i wish the negative didn't have so much weight in my life. that's the problem, not the reality, but the burden. i have a lot to write, but for now i need to sleep. i kept my memo pad in hand yesterday, though, so i scribbled a few thoughts on the drive back in the early hours of the day.
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
i'm not trying to write it off
but i'm doing all i can
to take the slur out of my words
you do your best to understand
i'm keeping you in mind
but i'm getting out of hand
when the medicine that keeps me well
is settling i get easily distracted
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna do?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna...
i'm gonna stand up and brush it off
and i'll become a better man
i've been trying to explain myself
but no one understands
i'm getting out of line
but i'm keeping all my plans
my movements and my messages
are all offset by my constant contradictions
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna do?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna say?
what do you do here in the moment?
what do you say?
what do you do?
what do you mean?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna do?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna say?
----
also, i waited too long for my ship to come. i need a kenny in my life. someone to sing me this song. i thought i had that, once, but i was mistaken. i guess it is too much to ask.
but i'm doing all i can
to take the slur out of my words
you do your best to understand
i'm keeping you in mind
but i'm getting out of hand
when the medicine that keeps me well
is settling i get easily distracted
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna do?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna...
i'm gonna stand up and brush it off
and i'll become a better man
i've been trying to explain myself
but no one understands
i'm getting out of line
but i'm keeping all my plans
my movements and my messages
are all offset by my constant contradictions
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna do?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna say?
what do you do here in the moment?
what do you say?
what do you do?
what do you mean?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna do?
it's 7:00 and i'm already wasted
i'm 21 and i'm already hazy
what am i gonna, what am i gonna say?
----
also, i waited too long for my ship to come. i need a kenny in my life. someone to sing me this song. i thought i had that, once, but i was mistaken. i guess it is too much to ask.
we see no shadows
i'm beyond depressed.
i woke up this morning at 8, ready to leave for class. made coffee, got dressed, did my hair, and as i was thinking about sitting in the caf, surrounded by people...even just the thought of food or maybe failing in class, making a silly translation error....i promptly took my vans back off and went back to bed. at least when i sleep i don't consciously think about how bad i'm fucking up my life.
woke back up with time to go to class, but didn't go. more sleep. mindless surfing on the internet, no music - i didn't even care enough to turn anything on. more sleep, then i woke up for lunch. i don't want to eat, the thought of food makes me sick, and i don't want to see people. i don't think i even have the energy to walk across campus to just grab kava and come back...and if i did, i wouldn't be able to stomach the food.
i have so much to do. reading responses that i still haven't turned it, part of a paper, endless translations...i need to start seeing this new doctor. i'm still training at a job i think i'm going to fail miserably at...and i panic every time i go in. i need to plan europe, so that i can apply for my loans and i can book my flight and get things squared away. right now, i would rather not be here and rather not be than actually work out those details. i have a scholarship i still need to apply for, but why put in the effort when i know i won't get it? i'm not extraordinary anymore, and i don't have the will to try.
i am stuck in the middle of a million situations trying to be passive in the affairs of my friends, but i end up getting pulled onto one side or another regardless of how passive i try to be. i try to please everyone, and as a result a end up pleasing no one.
i don't have a camera to go look around and try to capture something beautiful and ephemeral when i can't find the beauty in my own life. i have this large hole in my lip where my ring used to be which is a reminder of this past and this part of me that is gone, trying to heal but still present. my hands are shaking and i can't come down...or, rather, can't find which was is up.
maybe i should just go get coffee. what good is that going to do though? i know exactly what i would want, but the thought of it makes me slightly ill...i don't think i can keep anything down right now. and what if i do keep it down? it will just add countless unneeded calories, which i don't need. i've gained so much weight, my clothes don't fit right, and i'm not comfortable in my own skin...even more uncomfortable than i always am.
i don't see an end, and i don't see the light. i'm not strong, and everyone that tells me that is full of shit. i'm a hopeless mess with no future and a past that is far from respectable, and i don't know that i want to face the idea of a present any longer.
on purpose, or lack thereof
the juxtaposition of all these horribly simple events has led me to an intolerable impasse.
i can't even find the words, but if i could, this would be the result.
i can't even find the words, but if i could, this would be the result.
desires
i would like nothing more than to drop everything and everyone in my life and spend the rest of my days trying to articulate everything that i feel, and how i experience every transient moment of my horribly depressing existence. all i need is a room, with all the music i have ever heard and an infinite amount of ink and paper. that is all i want.
all these thoughts locked inside
your subtleties
they strangle me
i can't explain myself at all.
and all the wants
and all the needs
all i don't want to need at all.
the walls start breathing
my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
a falling star
least i fall alone.
i can't explain what you can't explain.
you're finding things that you didn't know
i look at you with such disdain
the walls start breathing
my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
now i'm on my own side
it's better than being on your side
it's my fault when you're blind
it's better that i see it through your eyes
all these thoughts locked inside
now you're the first to know
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
tonight
insight
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight.
they strangle me
i can't explain myself at all.
and all the wants
and all the needs
all i don't want to need at all.
the walls start breathing
my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
a falling star
least i fall alone.
i can't explain what you can't explain.
you're finding things that you didn't know
i look at you with such disdain
the walls start breathing
my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
now i'm on my own side
it's better than being on your side
it's my fault when you're blind
it's better that i see it through your eyes
all these thoughts locked inside
now you're the first to know
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
tonight
insight
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight.
and now
the sun was barely coming up,
my heart was all but slowing down.
but i could barely make out the sound.
it was my personal symphony.
striking the chords for only me.
there was a coursing all through my veins.
another chance to get away, oh.
until this empty place is filled, i’ll keep pretending.
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
these days and night blend into one,
but one more night is all i need.
another chord from the symphony.
to float above the world for now,
to lose control is bliss somehow.
and wring the color from the grey,
another chance to get away, oh.
until this empty place is filled, i’ll keep pretending.
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
all these reckless nights, have left me spinning out of control.
is there not a cure for sorrow?
all these faded lights, have made me search for something more.
will there be a new, tomorrow.
until this empty place is filled, i’ll keep pretending.
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
hey, wait - knock me down and i'll get up again.
oh, pain - a remedy that can erase your sting.
i'll keep holding, and i'll keep trying.
i feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but i feel painless...
the sound startles me alert
here, north of everything,
all winter long, we sit beside the wood stove,
drinking cider, rubbing hands
to warm ourselves
here, north of everything
where seasons change their clothes
from red and yellow, then white to green,
where i have learned
that fall turns to winter,
and winter turns to spring
along the way,
rivers carved their names
sun low above the willow trees
that stand like tired ghosts
said we'd start again
this time closer
to the earth,
to the sky,
closer
to each other.
but
no matter
how hard
i run,
i cannot
find
the path
the doctor told my mother,
as if six letters,
a single word,
the sound of it being spoken,
could make it easier
to understand
clock creeps.
shadows shuffle.
dad used to say that time is short for play
and long for getting ready
just a whisper
carried to me on the wind,
her voice:
i can do it,
she says.
i know i can.
the air is alive
all winter long, we sit beside the wood stove,
drinking cider, rubbing hands
to warm ourselves
here, north of everything
where seasons change their clothes
from red and yellow, then white to green,
where i have learned
that fall turns to winter,
and winter turns to spring
along the way,
rivers carved their names
sun low above the willow trees
that stand like tired ghosts
said we'd start again
this time closer
to the earth,
to the sky,
closer
to each other.
but
no matter
how hard
i run,
i cannot
find
the path
the doctor told my mother,
as if six letters,
a single word,
the sound of it being spoken,
could make it easier
to understand
clock creeps.
shadows shuffle.
dad used to say that time is short for play
and long for getting ready
just a whisper
carried to me on the wind,
her voice:
i can do it,
she says.
i know i can.
the air is alive
isolated thoughts and musings.
1. boring through this moment of solitude, a dull pain spreads from the base of my thoughts to the twinge of my temples - where my thoughts and reality converge anticipation seeps from every pore. . .ready, waiting, expecting a sudden jolt that will plant my feet right back on the ground.i write to quantify the way i feel - but my focus and attention comes in waves, some lonely barely breaking the seamless surface, others churning my very being from the inside out.
2. early morning, rousing in place of the hour i usually resign, endless lines fly past as i pull into the terminal. middle of nowhere, yet teaming with life. isn't this how it is supposed to be? awakening with the sun instead of consorting with the moon night after nigt? patterns intended to align with the earth and each nature broken, with only these rare exceptions to the rule - maybe we would sleep a little more soundly if we all stopped grating against our nature.
3. patterns emerge out of colors and words.
4. every step the ends to a means, trying to get a few inches closer to some unknown end. strangers pass by, catching my eye only at the last instant tha tmy mind clears form this waking daydream. ready to move forward to a new tomorrow, but the only thing propelling me is my hope that one day each tiny effort will amont to some manner of progress. hiding behind an insignificant and zipped hooded jacket, nothing to differentiate between myself and my neighbor, while my headphones serve as my only barrier to preserve my subtle anonymity. why am i not able to simply lose myself in the crowd? why do i feel the need to fade away, yet still find myself analyzing and identifying myself in relationship to those around me? this bleak little pad is the only one who hears my voice, my pleas, my cries to be somebody, to matter, to just be noticed. i want to be great, but ill settle for average, as long as one day i am able to reach even that point.
5. yearning for my own independence, i shrug off anything that could interfere. . .to my benefit or to my detriment. images and words seep from my mind. . .releasing themselves only when they or i should be contained.
6. let's start again. clean page, fresh words. a new attitude on which to base a beginning. let's rewind to a time when my misgivings were not my sole motivation. cute words, anticipation and worry shocking my dulled sense back into focus. fingertrips trying to grip something just a bit more tangible before they fall slack with all the associated hope. falling to the floor. some old habits repeat and one broken heart has led to this perpetual self-inflicted rise and inevitable letdown. i pull you into my arms and push you away the moment you cross the line i invisibly drew between our words and their actuation. concepts sear this indistinguisable barrier that only experience can define.
7. the current flows rock to rock, ledge to bottom again and again. the noise cancels out any doubt as the path you are cleaering deafens my own thoughts. lost in the feat and the simplicity of that rush.
8. a way to view the world, or a modern day misdirection.
smile. flash. hold on. flash. just once more. flash. force a passable smile and hope you blend further from the foreground than the lens can allow. fake the pretense of it all and flip the roles. impose the distance, use the lens instead of your eye. why articulate an experience when you cn share it secondhand through such an unbiased intermediary?
2. early morning, rousing in place of the hour i usually resign, endless lines fly past as i pull into the terminal. middle of nowhere, yet teaming with life. isn't this how it is supposed to be? awakening with the sun instead of consorting with the moon night after nigt? patterns intended to align with the earth and each nature broken, with only these rare exceptions to the rule - maybe we would sleep a little more soundly if we all stopped grating against our nature.
3. patterns emerge out of colors and words.
4. every step the ends to a means, trying to get a few inches closer to some unknown end. strangers pass by, catching my eye only at the last instant tha tmy mind clears form this waking daydream. ready to move forward to a new tomorrow, but the only thing propelling me is my hope that one day each tiny effort will amont to some manner of progress. hiding behind an insignificant and zipped hooded jacket, nothing to differentiate between myself and my neighbor, while my headphones serve as my only barrier to preserve my subtle anonymity. why am i not able to simply lose myself in the crowd? why do i feel the need to fade away, yet still find myself analyzing and identifying myself in relationship to those around me? this bleak little pad is the only one who hears my voice, my pleas, my cries to be somebody, to matter, to just be noticed. i want to be great, but ill settle for average, as long as one day i am able to reach even that point.
5. yearning for my own independence, i shrug off anything that could interfere. . .to my benefit or to my detriment. images and words seep from my mind. . .releasing themselves only when they or i should be contained.
6. let's start again. clean page, fresh words. a new attitude on which to base a beginning. let's rewind to a time when my misgivings were not my sole motivation. cute words, anticipation and worry shocking my dulled sense back into focus. fingertrips trying to grip something just a bit more tangible before they fall slack with all the associated hope. falling to the floor. some old habits repeat and one broken heart has led to this perpetual self-inflicted rise and inevitable letdown. i pull you into my arms and push you away the moment you cross the line i invisibly drew between our words and their actuation. concepts sear this indistinguisable barrier that only experience can define.
7. the current flows rock to rock, ledge to bottom again and again. the noise cancels out any doubt as the path you are cleaering deafens my own thoughts. lost in the feat and the simplicity of that rush.
8. a way to view the world, or a modern day misdirection.
smile. flash. hold on. flash. just once more. flash. force a passable smile and hope you blend further from the foreground than the lens can allow. fake the pretense of it all and flip the roles. impose the distance, use the lens instead of your eye. why articulate an experience when you cn share it secondhand through such an unbiased intermediary?
thoughts
1. turbulence shakes my certainty as the whole of myself and my surroundings struggles to adjust to the sway of the change -change that is enveloping the protective shell we have erected in monument to our own ingenuity. intake of choked breath, music breaking through the pinpricks of anxiety that cause my pen to hesitate on this page. calm settles only to be broken by the faint rattle that slowly creeps, front to back, until it reaches the soles of your feet - trying to ground you in some construct of reality. ears alert and expanding trying to prepare for any offset in their equilibrium, the sole connection between your mind and your body's response. straining to prepare for what you perceive as the inevitable, b ut only hurting when this certainty never reaches fruition outside of your designed fear.
2. cool, crisp air cuts through my lungs, bracing my body for the unknown adventures i will face today. strange, new weather patterns pull into a new intriguing cycle, one which i desire to embrace and which i am afraid to break. going through the motions is impossible during such days where one step uncertainly leads to the next, but where you will next catch your footing is unclear until you arrive. new faces, new chances, and no expectations are all that i can ask.
3. you know what i love? my dad's blind and unreasonable desire to make me happy. regardless of whether or not he thinks i am making the right choices. regardless of his often discovered inability to understand my decisions. he still wants me to be happy. whether this is out of love or some other selfless, or even selfish, feeling i can't be sure - but i do appreciate it.
4. water. trusting, progress, ever moving forward no matter the obstacle.
5. waiting, impatience.
6. anonymity, secrets. shaping news.
7. always concerned with progress, half-acknowledging the present. flooding your experience with one eye always measuring how far you have come - that is no way to embrace the joy of being and the power of true experience, of being alive. existing only when your clarity stems from things that were. even if you replicate an experience from your past that you have dwelt on for so long, this new formed fascination with synthesizing that memory alters the original reality.
2. cool, crisp air cuts through my lungs, bracing my body for the unknown adventures i will face today. strange, new weather patterns pull into a new intriguing cycle, one which i desire to embrace and which i am afraid to break. going through the motions is impossible during such days where one step uncertainly leads to the next, but where you will next catch your footing is unclear until you arrive. new faces, new chances, and no expectations are all that i can ask.
3. you know what i love? my dad's blind and unreasonable desire to make me happy. regardless of whether or not he thinks i am making the right choices. regardless of his often discovered inability to understand my decisions. he still wants me to be happy. whether this is out of love or some other selfless, or even selfish, feeling i can't be sure - but i do appreciate it.
4. water. trusting, progress, ever moving forward no matter the obstacle.
5. waiting, impatience.
6. anonymity, secrets. shaping news.
7. always concerned with progress, half-acknowledging the present. flooding your experience with one eye always measuring how far you have come - that is no way to embrace the joy of being and the power of true experience, of being alive. existing only when your clarity stems from things that were. even if you replicate an experience from your past that you have dwelt on for so long, this new formed fascination with synthesizing that memory alters the original reality.
what in me was reacting to those words?
omnipotence
seamiest
emphatic
equanimity
impermanence
paradisiacal
aversion
dull hum
codependence
forged
interconnectedness
harsh
resonate
awareness
mindfulness
sensations
destructive
desperate
bliss
being engaged
anxious and neurotic
nightmares
haunting
seamiest
emphatic
equanimity
impermanence
paradisiacal
aversion
dull hum
codependence
forged
interconnectedness
harsh
resonate
awareness
mindfulness
sensations
destructive
desperate
bliss
being engaged
anxious and neurotic
nightmares
haunting
an empty shot glass doesn't lie
brilliant clarity begins to fade
clouds roll in, billowing
from all directions, with each passing moment,
mirroring the doubts bombarding my empty shell.
apathy fills the empty space
raindrop to flash of light
imminent change promising nothing
as another milemarker passes out the corner of my eye.
volume to the sky
as i try to drown out my own thoughts,
anything that could pass as a glimmer of misgiving.
fill my my mind with your musings
so mine can't stretch their reach past
the ebbing subconscious moving into this instant.
...that's all i have for now.
clouds roll in, billowing
from all directions, with each passing moment,
mirroring the doubts bombarding my empty shell.
apathy fills the empty space
raindrop to flash of light
imminent change promising nothing
as another milemarker passes out the corner of my eye.
volume to the sky
as i try to drown out my own thoughts,
anything that could pass as a glimmer of misgiving.
fill my my mind with your musings
so mine can't stretch their reach past
the ebbing subconscious moving into this instant.
...that's all i have for now.
i falter as the music stops
originally started on november 6th. i didn't have the strength to get past the first three sentences.
nausea. nerves spreading from my heart down to very my fingertips. all it takes is a little reminder and i am over the edge. birthday, acquaintances, conversations on silly social networking forums. a certain song, the way the light hits my eyes or the hesitation of my heart as your name starts to form on my lips. thank god you were one in a million. i still see you in the passing crowds, hoping you will be there the next time i turn around. i gave you everything, you gave me everything. it was instant from the moment our eyes locked. understood. old souls crossing paths. synchronicity. i can try and blame it on a series of events that led me to that fateful day, but the fact that you were there, looking for change at the same instant i was looking for nothing, it means there is a greater underlying, undulating force bringing us to our next peak or trough. unfortunately our lives were out of phase with one another. one period of overlap, perfect resonance and overtones that still haunt me to this day. your love still rings in my ears barely buzzing behind the glass wall separating me from everything i really feel. mind and body irreconcilably disconnected, overlapping only in the eclipse of what i felt that day. right place, wrong time. no going back. you have no regrets, i have mine. yes, it was the closest i felt to be alive, to being human, to being normal. we seeped our love from every pore and it was undeniable. infectious. you were my heaven on earth. i was yours. minds following the same loops and twists through reason and irrationality, bringing us one step closer to that which we truly desire in the next life - because we had it here. intellectual to the point of challenging one another but not to the edge of pretense. i miss you. you still own my heart and soul. and my mind. my sanity. my peace and sanctity of reason. no matter the distance you put between us, you will always haunt my dreams. bodies in line with our minds. every touch as spiritual as the words that roll off our tongues. your warms eyes will always pierce the veil of security i try to envelop myself in. . .and i am forever exposed.
nausea. nerves spreading from my heart down to very my fingertips. all it takes is a little reminder and i am over the edge. birthday, acquaintances, conversations on silly social networking forums. a certain song, the way the light hits my eyes or the hesitation of my heart as your name starts to form on my lips. thank god you were one in a million. i still see you in the passing crowds, hoping you will be there the next time i turn around. i gave you everything, you gave me everything. it was instant from the moment our eyes locked. understood. old souls crossing paths. synchronicity. i can try and blame it on a series of events that led me to that fateful day, but the fact that you were there, looking for change at the same instant i was looking for nothing, it means there is a greater underlying, undulating force bringing us to our next peak or trough. unfortunately our lives were out of phase with one another. one period of overlap, perfect resonance and overtones that still haunt me to this day. your love still rings in my ears barely buzzing behind the glass wall separating me from everything i really feel. mind and body irreconcilably disconnected, overlapping only in the eclipse of what i felt that day. right place, wrong time. no going back. you have no regrets, i have mine. yes, it was the closest i felt to be alive, to being human, to being normal. we seeped our love from every pore and it was undeniable. infectious. you were my heaven on earth. i was yours. minds following the same loops and twists through reason and irrationality, bringing us one step closer to that which we truly desire in the next life - because we had it here. intellectual to the point of challenging one another but not to the edge of pretense. i miss you. you still own my heart and soul. and my mind. my sanity. my peace and sanctity of reason. no matter the distance you put between us, you will always haunt my dreams. bodies in line with our minds. every touch as spiritual as the words that roll off our tongues. your warms eyes will always pierce the veil of security i try to envelop myself in. . .and i am forever exposed.
this is the last night in my body, yeah.
i'm having this memory. . .almost a dream
i’m updating on the road (literally) so i am going to attempt to keep this brief. traffic accidents aren’t exactly at the top of my to-do list at the moment.
the last week has been very trying for me for a number of reasons. i found myself sinking into another one of my bottomless depressions. don't stop reading this entry now though - this is not going to be a lament-filled diatribe. this story actually has a happy ending. with the exception of a few nights during which i voluntarily sequestered myself in my home, book and laptop close at hand, i have been forcing myself to interact socially even through my most desolate of nights. granted, i am not the best companion in these hours filled with dazed looks and too long contemplative pauses, but the fact that i still have people by my side makes a world of difference. i appreciate everyone that has been putting up with me more than you can ever imagine. . .because even if i am not saying a word, just knowing that you still want to have me around even if i am not contributing leaves me beyond grateful. there has been way too much looming over my head to construct some brilliant facade, so i have been left defenseless - but somehow i made it through, yet again.
my phone interview with invisible children was yesterday evening. i feel that it went as well as i possibly could have expected - i only blanked once in the hour and twenty minutes that i was on the phone with tiffany. with the random disconnects and reception issues aside, i think everything went remarkably well. it felt so natural, and i feel that there was a rapport because tiffany and myself that had not been established last time. i was brutally honest, and not a thing felt rehearsed, contrived, or empty. all my words were heartfelt, and besides my jittery, fast-paced stream of thought - mostly brought on my my mocha espresso milkshake at roasters - i felt so much better this time. i never lost my train of thought, just simply worried about losing tiffany in my sometimes eccentric ramblings, and i felt so confident coming out of it. i know that i did the best i possibly could, and i hope that is enough to satisfy those making this decision. i truly, without hesitation or doubt, believe that this is what i am meant to be doing at this juncture in my life - but it is out of my hands now. i did my best, what more can you ask for? i find out two weeks from today, so fingers crossed.
after two reschedules this week already, i finally went to my doctor this morning. unfortunately, i had to drive straight from my dermatology appointment at 830 to the hospital, which resulted in too much bureaucracy for one day if you ask me. hospitals never have it quite right. . .i hate having to be there. it looks like everything will turn out okay, and i pray that is the truth. i get a definitive result by monday, and if it is a positive result then i am going to be subjected to little or no treatment for the better part of the next decade. do you realize how much of a weight that would be off of me if i could live the rest of my twenties out with little or no fear? i can only wish i would be that lucky. again, fingers crossed.
home is stretched a little thin right now, and i am not sure how much more i can handle. i think my mom doesn't really know what role she is supposed to fill in the house now, and it is wearing on all of us. pardon my french, but she needs to get her shit together. i never thought i would be closer to my dad than to my mom, but that is certainly the case at the moment. i am having dinner with my dad at cool river in dallas before i continue north to denton. goodman county tonight, should be fun. i am so stoked to see jager - it has been ages.
i went to lunch with my mom at jason's deli this afternoon, got my oil changed, and then headed over to the 7-11 on 620 since gas was only $1.91. it only took $17.50 to fill up my tank, which was amazing. i was driving back down volente and it felt like second nature. i couldn't help but think about my days working at the oasis when i knew that road like it was the back of my hand. i won't say that it was a simpler time - but the terms were much easier to tolerate. i wasn't dealing in terms of life or death, work or school resisting the invisible chains i felt that bound me to cedar park. it was by no means something i would like to relive, but in place of the dilemmas that plague my mind now, i would give anything to deal in those terms once more.
work is becoming a burden. i almost walked out the other morning, just because i cannot deal with my boss. he is completely inappropriate all the time and relies on us all too much. i would much rather have a different job for the rest of the year, or no job at all, than to continue dealing with him as it stands.
right now, i am musically frustrated. i went into waterloo the other day, and there are some moments when i feel so overwhelmed by the wealth of music and diversity out there. i don't know a thing about music and i feel so inadequate next to some of these hipsters who are fact-quoting machines. everyone puts up a front, but i feel like mine is paper thin. this is why i feel so lonely in austin - i can never live up to this unbelievable standards for a prolonged period of time.
i am filled with mixed emotions about my remaining time in austin. . .it is slowly coming to a close and i do not know if i am ready to let go. there are too many good things that have blessed my life since i have been back, and the experience of being back at home has been so, so humbling. all i know is that whatever path i continue down in the next few months, an adventure awaits me at every corner.
i officially killed my third real copy of everything in transit today. i have gone through countless burned copies, many of which have been lost to friends i thought needed it more than i did or to the invisible monster that makes different albums disappear every now and again. i don't even want to know how many times i have listened to this cd, but today i am listening to it with an optimism i have not felt in a long, long time.
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