Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
on analogous experiences
music is like literature. my first reason? i can't get enough of either. second reason? people enjoy it in the same way they enjoy literature. they want to talk about it, but at the same time the experience can be intensely private. either way, it evokes an emotional response that is hard to pinpoint or to recreate.
i have a reason for bringing this up, i promise. i just put up blonde redhead lyrics in my status, and felt a little pretentious doing so. give me a break, i just walked out of a faulkner class. i was going for something a little bit abstract. so sue me.
then, i started going through my tweetdeck, seeing all the updates i missed during class, and of course clicked on about a dozen links leading to new videos, music, and blogs. so, i've spent the last half hour listening to the new kid cudi/ratatat/mgmt collaboration, watching part of the new air video, more cool kids videos than i care to admit (thanks funfunfunfest) and reading a few opinions pieces about obama's speech today.
oh, and let's not forget the live video of passion pit that they posted on pitchfork. it took me back to a moment in time. back to south by southwest. if i were benjy, sleepyhead is my equivalent of "she smelled like trees," or if i were quentin, my honeysuckle, my past, my memory.
but here's the problem - sleepyhead doesn't provoke thought like equus does. however, i was equally moved. so, all of you music snobs out there, how pretentious are your literary tastes? do you enjoy vonnegut or palahniuk less just because more people read him and because he is more accessible? or do you enjoy faulkner or joyce better just because it isn't attainable and comprehensible for anyone who picks it up? there is beauty and merit in both. if only everyone empirically and rationally considered that.
long live anything that engages me, elicits a train of thought, or just makes me swoon.
i have a reason for bringing this up, i promise. i just put up blonde redhead lyrics in my status, and felt a little pretentious doing so. give me a break, i just walked out of a faulkner class. i was going for something a little bit abstract. so sue me.
"allow me to show you the way which I adore you...equus by nature, timid creature, ready to run away"
(video for equus by blonde redhead, off of misery is a butterfly)
then, i started going through my tweetdeck, seeing all the updates i missed during class, and of course clicked on about a dozen links leading to new videos, music, and blogs. so, i've spent the last half hour listening to the new kid cudi/ratatat/mgmt collaboration, watching part of the new air video, more cool kids videos than i care to admit (thanks funfunfunfest) and reading a few opinions pieces about obama's speech today.
oh, and let's not forget the live video of passion pit that they posted on pitchfork. it took me back to a moment in time. back to south by southwest. if i were benjy, sleepyhead is my equivalent of "she smelled like trees," or if i were quentin, my honeysuckle, my past, my memory.
long live anything that engages me, elicits a train of thought, or just makes me swoon.
questions, statements, necessities, wishes.
what am i doing with my life?
why is my dog so adorable?
should i go to australia or back to europe?
why is andrew vanwyngarden so fucking adorable?
why is it that i can't maintain relationships with people? friends or otherwise.
i see you everywhere.
my life has been changed.
just let go - reality is subjective.
i've never been so scared, yet so exhilirated.
i need friends. or people who care. or to stop pushing away the people who do.
i need to finish sorting my pictures
i want to go back in time and not miss mgmt, girl talk, crystal castles or pretty lights.
i want to have meaning.
i want to stop being so indecisive.
i want to have a normal life...or do i?
i want to feel like i belong.
i want to go to another show....right now.
i want more caffeine so i can feign enthusiasm.
why is my dog so adorable?
should i go to australia or back to europe?
why is andrew vanwyngarden so fucking adorable?
why is it that i can't maintain relationships with people? friends or otherwise.
i see you everywhere.
my life has been changed.
just let go - reality is subjective.
i've never been so scared, yet so exhilirated.
i need friends. or people who care. or to stop pushing away the people who do.
i need to finish sorting my pictures
i want to go back in time and not miss mgmt, girl talk, crystal castles or pretty lights.
i want to have meaning.
i want to stop being so indecisive.
i want to have a normal life...or do i?
i want to feel like i belong.
i want to go to another show....right now.
i want more caffeine so i can feign enthusiasm.
so long, farewell...
i leave for italy in the morning, then i'm off to greece. my bags are packed - empty journal, moleskines, and memory cards to keep me company. that and a pocket italian phrasebook.
i won't be updating on here, only on paper, until i get back on june 7th...but i would love to hear from all of you. it would be nice to hear a friendly "voice" halfway across the globe whenever i find the time to sit down in an internet cafe.
so, email me - bucklbm@millsaps.edu
oh, and this my three hundredth post (though you, the general viewing public, can't see all of them...sorry). funny how landmarks sometimes coincide.
on procrastinating
i had to look through my photos at some point today, so why not do it while i'm still only half-focused? sorted, uploaded, linked. now time to walk to john stone hall for my greek test
sorry that i'm taken aback
i woke up with the sun today...what a great way to start off the daunting day i have ahead of me. i'm back in jackson now, wasting time until i have to take my greek test this afternoon. i should start studying for my latin final, or my roman legacy final for that matter, since i have to take both tomorrow, but i'm still sitting here on my bed, fighting sleep. i keep throwing out the word surreal to try and describe the last few days, but i don't think there is any one adjective that can truly encapsulate what i have experienced. unlike the last few weeks that have been full of all-nighters and scrambling to put together term papers, my lack of sleep this past week has been punctuated by experiences i never would have expected. i'm trying to let myself be more spontaneous, live more in the moment, and it is hard...but worthwhile. i used to calculate every moment of every day, trying to thwart the unexpected with thought-out reason and definitive answers and plans so that i didn't have to face whatever chance, fortune, fate (whatever you believe in) threw my way. articulating that makes me feel like i was trying to be a stoic...a hyper-productive stoic, but still, that makes me sound like i could be in league with seneca, or someone of the like.
i can feel the weight of my sleep deprivation right behind my eyes, struggling to remain alert...but i feel the weight of my actions and the bigger issues at hand in my (insert some cliche here...heart, chest, soul).
beyond the rescue, invisible children, road trips and this growing sense of community, something else really unexpected came my way yesterday as well. i love beginnings, even if they are in medias res, and the excitement they incite. this quote reminds me a lot of my dear you (though i swear it was written before i ever read this) from a little while ago. those days are long past, but on the conceptual level it still rings true. i wish i could have some consistency in my life, but the thrill of starting something new and uncertain is more than enough. i just need to stop being so damn awkward. i can't help it...i can get a bit flustered when i have a bit of a crush.
i am in the mood for this is me smiling. obviously, i am "so excited to sleep"...but they feel like a good complement to the tone of the day.
GOOD NEWS
that's right, i used all caps. for those of you who know me or read this regularly, you should already know that i don't capitalize anything (including things that should be capitalized...such as god, i, chris, sam, etc.), so if something is worthy of all caps, it must be pretty damn exciting. AND IT IS!
the jackson rescue event had been canceled, but have no fear! there are people putting together an event at mississippi college and guess what - YOU SHOULD ALL BE THERE. they are meeting tonight to get together more details, but i am going and so should you. it is this saturday and it will be amazing! for those of you who don't know what the rescue is, it is the big invisible children event for the year and it is a great way for your voice to be heard in the community. if you remember the displace me event, this is the equivalent for 2009!
if you are going, or if not, do this! contact people, get individuals motivated and be a part of the change. get up, enact the ideals you stand for, and make a difference! this is such a huge deal, and even if there aren't a lot of people at the event (which you can change by coming, too!) you are still a part of this simultaneous event that is happening all over the country and all over the world! don't believe me? go to facebook, search the rescue and filter by events. there are hundreds of people rsvped to events (561 in melbourne, australia...617 in salt lake city....1496 in chicago...1134 in boston...and countless others. austin has 825! and these are just the people with facebooks you guys!) and YOU can be a part of it!
here is an instructional video, and be sure to check back here for more information about the event once i hear back from the wonderful individuals at MC. also, if you want to see some fun examples of the youtube shout out videos, i have one a couple of entries back. get excited people :) make a difference, enact change in yourself, your peers, and the world. fight apathy and get out for this.
and, as a last thought, i will leave you with some parting words from a man i love dearly, bryce avary, the singer of this great band the rocket summer.
the jackson rescue event had been canceled, but have no fear! there are people putting together an event at mississippi college and guess what - YOU SHOULD ALL BE THERE. they are meeting tonight to get together more details, but i am going and so should you. it is this saturday and it will be amazing! for those of you who don't know what the rescue is, it is the big invisible children event for the year and it is a great way for your voice to be heard in the community. if you remember the displace me event, this is the equivalent for 2009!
if you are going, or if not, do this! contact people, get individuals motivated and be a part of the change. get up, enact the ideals you stand for, and make a difference! this is such a huge deal, and even if there aren't a lot of people at the event (which you can change by coming, too!) you are still a part of this simultaneous event that is happening all over the country and all over the world! don't believe me? go to facebook, search the rescue and filter by events. there are hundreds of people rsvped to events (561 in melbourne, australia...617 in salt lake city....1496 in chicago...1134 in boston...and countless others. austin has 825! and these are just the people with facebooks you guys!) and YOU can be a part of it!
here is an instructional video, and be sure to check back here for more information about the event once i hear back from the wonderful individuals at MC. also, if you want to see some fun examples of the youtube shout out videos, i have one a couple of entries back. get excited people :) make a difference, enact change in yourself, your peers, and the world. fight apathy and get out for this.
and, as a last thought, i will leave you with some parting words from a man i love dearly, bryce avary, the singer of this great band the rocket summer.
i'm thinking 'bout other things i heard about today
all this week and tomorrow
and how these hands can create some better things for bettering. . .
do you feel
the weight of the world singing sorrow
or to you is it just not real
cause you got your own things
yeah we all have our things i guess
i guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
sometimes i convince myself
that all is fine in the world
it's not mine
why should i
have to try
to fix things i didn't create or contrive
. . . can you feel the souls behind what's going on
all this week and tomorrow
and how these hands can create some better things for bettering. . .
do you feel
the weight of the world singing sorrow
or to you is it just not real
cause you got your own things
yeah we all have our things i guess
i guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
sometimes i convince myself
that all is fine in the world
it's not mine
why should i
have to try
to fix things i didn't create or contrive
. . . can you feel the souls behind what's going on
and for good measure, since i love TRS so much, here is a cool in-studio version of so much love
on recycling
“ Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can"
— Dalai Lama
“ Planning is sometimes just a form of procrastination. ”
— Jesse James Garrett ;] (via szymon) (via present)
“ A painter paints his pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. We provide the music, and you provide the silence. ”
— Leopold Stokowski - British born American conductor (via grace-notes)
“ A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. ”
— Bernard Meltzer (via brokenmachine)
“ Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be. ”
“ Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be. ”
— Heath Buckmaster (via thresca)
“ Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide whether it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they’re deciding, make even more art. ”
“ Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide whether it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they’re deciding, make even more art. ”
— Andy Warhol (via austinkleon) (via jessicachu)
one of my kind
this film is really stunning, and i loved it. i am going to watch it again later and really give it the attention it deserves, but cinematically it is so engaging and beautiful. there is something so beautiful about the simplicity of it all. there were two little quotes at the end that really struck home for me, so i typed them up. while you still have the chance though, you should go download it for yourself and donate to a good cause (if you are so inclined), but otherwise it is free for the time being.
this run that we're on...it's going to end and it is never going to be the same. everything is life is like that. like if you hang out with a person for a week, it is never going to be like that again. the next time you see them, it's not going to be the same, you know? it's maybe going to be awesome in a different way or worse or whatever but its not going to be like that. so, we've been going for so long and like on one kind of vibe, i mean it changes but it's had it's ups and downs but once this record is over and we leave this studio...it's over. we'll get back together and it will be sweet then, too, but this is over. - jason boesel
i try not to hold on too tight to anything, really. there's a time and place for everything. - conor oberst
this run that we're on...it's going to end and it is never going to be the same. everything is life is like that. like if you hang out with a person for a week, it is never going to be like that again. the next time you see them, it's not going to be the same, you know? it's maybe going to be awesome in a different way or worse or whatever but its not going to be like that. so, we've been going for so long and like on one kind of vibe, i mean it changes but it's had it's ups and downs but once this record is over and we leave this studio...it's over. we'll get back together and it will be sweet then, too, but this is over. - jason boesel
i try not to hold on too tight to anything, really. there's a time and place for everything. - conor oberst
you stir up emotions
You tried everything
Yes, a thousand times
Experienced enough
Been through enough
But you it was who let everything
Into my heart
and you it was who once again
Awoke my spirit
I parted, you parted
You stir up
Emotions
In a blender
Everything in disarray
But it was you who was always
There for me
It was you who never judged
My true friend
I parted, you parted
(hopelandic)
You sail on rivers
With an old oar
Leaking badly
You swim to shore
Pushed the waves away
But to no avail
You float on the sea
Sleep on the surface
Light through the fog
(hopelandic)
made to measure
please excuse this,
i know its rude, but i was just trying to satisfy someone who requested mine.
you're hard to please, and no one knows just what you need.
if you wont ever ask for help then how am i to tell?
uncomfortable, you wear it well, the sooner that you come around,
the offer's waited to be found
anytime you need it, i am already there and waiting
what's yours is mine but your recline to hesitate to try
don't get me wrong herei just want to make my intentions clear
there's no room for reading into deep, if things aren't written down.
as soon as i've been told
that you will not be sold then we could all move forward here,
and find our endings well
you need a break
its hard to take the time
when things will just move faster and we're never ever slowing down
anytime you need it, i'm already there and waiting
what's yours is mine but your recline to hesitate to try
and after all the bullshit shuffled, piles up inside,
there's only room for you and me and what we've left to try
for the time being
no more blog. i can only update from my phone, going to the library, or hijacking sam's computer, which is what i'm doing at the moment...under the facade of working on my roman legacy take-home essay.
what's going on in my life right now?
i reached my lowest point since birmingham, if not lower, yesterday. i started making plans. then i made myself come back and sit in the room with sam, read some c.s. lewis, and took a couple of lexapro to calm my nerves. i woke up later, and it was a little better.
today has been a good day.
i quit my job, which sounds like a bad thing, but it isn't because i couldn't do it...but because it was unneeded stress, and that is something i don't need in my life.
i sent off my laptop today. it stopped recognizing my power supply, so it ran off batteries for 45 minutes, then promptly died and can't be turned back on. this has happened once before, so luckily it is still covered under warranty...i just have to pay the $75 there and back to cover the shipping. damn.
i think i'm going to apply to be a ford fellow for next year. i think it would be a really good thing.
i'm going to birmingham on thursday. i'm so excited for the drive, and the show, but still a bit hazy about the people. i think it should be okay, though.
i love c.s. lewis. he gives my life center, and helps me find my own. i need to read more of his work.
getting past eggers was a really good thing. no more depressing literature for a while, at least in my free time.
my greek test kicked my ass today, and so did my latin class.
i need to raise my grade in archaeology dramatically.
i'm actually okay with having a few Bs on my midterm grades. it doesn't really bother me.
well, time to get down to business. the business of roman virtues, that is! i'm actually kind of excited about this paper...so why do i keep putting it off?
what's going on in my life right now?
i reached my lowest point since birmingham, if not lower, yesterday. i started making plans. then i made myself come back and sit in the room with sam, read some c.s. lewis, and took a couple of lexapro to calm my nerves. i woke up later, and it was a little better.
today has been a good day.
i quit my job, which sounds like a bad thing, but it isn't because i couldn't do it...but because it was unneeded stress, and that is something i don't need in my life.
i sent off my laptop today. it stopped recognizing my power supply, so it ran off batteries for 45 minutes, then promptly died and can't be turned back on. this has happened once before, so luckily it is still covered under warranty...i just have to pay the $75 there and back to cover the shipping. damn.
i think i'm going to apply to be a ford fellow for next year. i think it would be a really good thing.
i'm going to birmingham on thursday. i'm so excited for the drive, and the show, but still a bit hazy about the people. i think it should be okay, though.
i love c.s. lewis. he gives my life center, and helps me find my own. i need to read more of his work.
getting past eggers was a really good thing. no more depressing literature for a while, at least in my free time.
my greek test kicked my ass today, and so did my latin class.
i need to raise my grade in archaeology dramatically.
i'm actually okay with having a few Bs on my midterm grades. it doesn't really bother me.
well, time to get down to business. the business of roman virtues, that is! i'm actually kind of excited about this paper...so why do i keep putting it off?
lately
it's hard to disconnect i just want something real .... or something like that. or maybe it's too real. or i'm can't connect. i don't know. i need something, though.
can't read my poker face
johnny weir is so fabulous. so is lady gaga. which leads me to this fantastic video. i have a secret love of ice skating, by the way. the cat is now out of the bag. that and anything or anyone who is a bit too cheeky. someone with an overabundance of sass will always have a special place in my heart.
an afternoon of tranquility
somehow greek doesn't seem as daunting when completed in this environment. the sun was out a good bit of the day, it was warm yet windy, and the flowers started blooming this morning. i gauge the time of year, and my hope, on this one tree in the bowl. right as you walk past sullivan harrell, coming out of the caf, there is one tree right off the sidewalk. when it blooms, it is time for change. today was the day.
i am made of blue sky and hard rock and i will live this way forever.
'this mix tape is another piece of useless junk junk. . . left behind. a category that i guess tonight includes me.'
ignore the cutesy cover, and you really uncover something great. it took me too long to read this, but it was suggested by a friend dear to my heart, and i'm glad that i made the time for it.
---
let the music have its way with me. it's a date. just me and renee and some tunes she picked out.
her voice was full of the frazzle and crackle of music.
we had nothing in common except we both loved music. it was the first connection we had, and we depended on it to keep us together. we did a lot of work to meet in the middle. music brought us together. so now music was stuck with us.
she was in the middle of everything, living her big, messy, epic life, and none of us who loved her will ever catch up with her.
renee loved to do things. that was mysterious to me, since i was more comfortable talking about things and never doing them.
tonight, i feel like my whole body is made out of memories. i'm a mix tape, a cassette that's been rewound so many times you can hear the fingerprints smudged on the tape. . .i want to hear her fingerprints. . .nothing connects to the moment like music. i count on the music to bring me back - or, more precisely, to bring her forward.
i have some unfinished business with these tunes. i'm going to be up for a while.
there are all kinds of mix tapes. there is always a reason to make one.
you like music, i like music, i can tell we're going to be friends - you just met somebody. you're talking about the songs you like. oh, yeah, that band! ever hear this band? you would love this song. i'll make you a tape! frequently confused with the 'i want you' tape by the giving or receiving party, resulting in hijinks and hilarity all around.
there are millions of songs in the world and millions of ways to connect them into mixes. making the connections is part of the fun of being a fan.
you go through an artist's entire career, zero in on that one moment that makes you want to jump and dance and smoke bats and bite the heads off drugs. and then you play that one moment over and over.
when you stick a song on a tape, you set it free.
i have built my entire life around loving music, and i surround myself with it. i'm always racing to catch up on my next favorite song. b ut i never stop playing my mixes. every fan makes them. the times you lived through, the people you shared those times with - nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. it does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. every mix tape tells a story. put them together, and they add up to the story of a life.
'the self is a cloister of remembered sounds.' my first response was, yess! how did he know that? it's like he's reading my mind. but my second response was, i need some new sounds to remember. i've been stuck in my little isolation chamber for so long i'm spinning through the same seconds i've been hearing in my head all my life.
sometimes you lie in a strange room, in a strange person's home, and you feel yourself bending out of shape. melting, touching something hot, something that warps you in drastic and probably irreversible ways you won't get to take stock of until it's too late.
is there anything scarier than the world 'irreversible'? it's a hiss of a word, full of side effects and mutilations.
it was another temporary technological mutation designed to do the same thing music always ddoes, which is allow emotionally warped people to communicate by bombarding each other pitiful cultural artifacts that in a saner world would be forgotten before they even happened.
nothing wrong with a lonely place as long as it's private.
if i had my way, the story would end here. renee was always braver. she always wanted to know what happens next.
while she worked she would lose all her nervous energy and glow like a conquering goddess.
it became our drink of choice for a long, lazy, rambling fever dream of a summer, when kurt was dead but the promise of rock was raging on.
*i'm not going to include the quote, but a note for myself, a memory. page 122*
kurt and biggie were the rock stars of my age who worried about the things i worried about, both of them in fucked-up marriages and yet writing songs about them that felt real. they gave me the sort of tiny wisdoms i got from surrogate older brothers like al green and john doe and lou reed.
the reality of boy-girl life gets harsh, but in my fantasy, the music keeps them together.
she knows pop dreams are a hustle, a deception, a 'glamour' in the witchcraft sense of the word.
on the way we talked about the road sign ' bridge ices before road.' i always wondered, if that's a problem, why don't they just build the bridge out of the same stuff they used to build the road? drema explained that the bridge isn't made out of a different material than the road, but that the bridge ices quicker because it's alone, hanging there without the land under it to keep it warm. i knew i would have to relearn how to listen to music, and that some of the music we'd loved together i'd never be able to hear again. every time i started to cry, i remember how renee used to say real life was a bad country song, except bad country songs are believable and real life isn't.
now, we had a whole different language to learn, a new grammar of loss to conjugate: i lose, you lose, we lose; i have lost, you have lost, we have lost. words i said out loud, every day, many times a day, for years and years - suddenly they were dust in my mouth.
you lose a certain kind of innocence when you experience this kind of kindness. you lose your right to be a jaded cynic. you can no longer go back through the looking glass and pretend not to know what you know about kindness. it's a defeat, in a way.
i had no idea how to live up to that kindness.
it was nothing personal. that's the way of the world.
how do you pretend you don't know about it, after you see it?
september had come and nothing had changed.
when my friends and family would ask how i was doing, i stalled or stuttered or lied.
love dies in many different ways, and it's natural for the grass to seem greener on the other side. but it's not a competition; there's plenty of pain to go around..
it's not human to let go of love, even when it's dead.
i grieve that grief can teach me nothing. i was hoping that was a lie. but it wasn't.
she was so kind, i wanted to cry with humiliation that i was taking up her time when all i would do was let her down, the way i let down every other person trying to be kind to me.
i realized i was starved for some color and noise, and i knew that's what i would get.
individually, all the songs on this tape make me smile, but lined up in this order, they make me shudder. listening to this tape is like going back somewhere i never belonged in the first place, and it's spooky to tiptoe back in.
it was too hard to keep living surrounded by so much of the past. i needed to go.
it was bittersweet getting to know these songs i never got to share.
i realize that i will never fully understand the millions of bizarre was that music brings people together.
some of them even had something to say about the real world, which is way more than anybody has a right to expect from musicians.
if i didn't want ot have these experiences, didn't want to run into living things that reminded me of the past, i would have to hide under a rock- except that would remind me of the past, too, so i try not to hide. what shocks me is that the present is alive.
that's the part i love about them. but the rhythm of the mix tape is the rhythm of romance, the analog hum of a physical connection b etween two sloppy, human bodies.
no matter how hard you listen, you can't get down to the pure sound, not as it gets heard by impure flesh-and-blood ears. so instead of listening to the pure sound, you listen to a mix. . .you listen, and you mutate along with the sound.
you hear something you like, and you press rewind to go back to it. but you can't rewind the tape to the exact same place again. so you start fresh.
ignore the cutesy cover, and you really uncover something great. it took me too long to read this, but it was suggested by a friend dear to my heart, and i'm glad that i made the time for it.
let the music have its way with me. it's a date. just me and renee and some tunes she picked out.
her voice was full of the frazzle and crackle of music.
we had nothing in common except we both loved music. it was the first connection we had, and we depended on it to keep us together. we did a lot of work to meet in the middle. music brought us together. so now music was stuck with us.
she was in the middle of everything, living her big, messy, epic life, and none of us who loved her will ever catch up with her.
renee loved to do things. that was mysterious to me, since i was more comfortable talking about things and never doing them.
tonight, i feel like my whole body is made out of memories. i'm a mix tape, a cassette that's been rewound so many times you can hear the fingerprints smudged on the tape. . .i want to hear her fingerprints. . .nothing connects to the moment like music. i count on the music to bring me back - or, more precisely, to bring her forward.
i have some unfinished business with these tunes. i'm going to be up for a while.
there are all kinds of mix tapes. there is always a reason to make one.
you like music, i like music, i can tell we're going to be friends - you just met somebody. you're talking about the songs you like. oh, yeah, that band! ever hear this band? you would love this song. i'll make you a tape! frequently confused with the 'i want you' tape by the giving or receiving party, resulting in hijinks and hilarity all around.
there are millions of songs in the world and millions of ways to connect them into mixes. making the connections is part of the fun of being a fan.
you go through an artist's entire career, zero in on that one moment that makes you want to jump and dance and smoke bats and bite the heads off drugs. and then you play that one moment over and over.
when you stick a song on a tape, you set it free.
i have built my entire life around loving music, and i surround myself with it. i'm always racing to catch up on my next favorite song. b ut i never stop playing my mixes. every fan makes them. the times you lived through, the people you shared those times with - nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. it does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. every mix tape tells a story. put them together, and they add up to the story of a life.
'the self is a cloister of remembered sounds.' my first response was, yess! how did he know that? it's like he's reading my mind. but my second response was, i need some new sounds to remember. i've been stuck in my little isolation chamber for so long i'm spinning through the same seconds i've been hearing in my head all my life.
sometimes you lie in a strange room, in a strange person's home, and you feel yourself bending out of shape. melting, touching something hot, something that warps you in drastic and probably irreversible ways you won't get to take stock of until it's too late.
is there anything scarier than the world 'irreversible'? it's a hiss of a word, full of side effects and mutilations.
it was another temporary technological mutation designed to do the same thing music always ddoes, which is allow emotionally warped people to communicate by bombarding each other pitiful cultural artifacts that in a saner world would be forgotten before they even happened.
nothing wrong with a lonely place as long as it's private.
if i had my way, the story would end here. renee was always braver. she always wanted to know what happens next.
while she worked she would lose all her nervous energy and glow like a conquering goddess.
it became our drink of choice for a long, lazy, rambling fever dream of a summer, when kurt was dead but the promise of rock was raging on.
*i'm not going to include the quote, but a note for myself, a memory. page 122*
kurt and biggie were the rock stars of my age who worried about the things i worried about, both of them in fucked-up marriages and yet writing songs about them that felt real. they gave me the sort of tiny wisdoms i got from surrogate older brothers like al green and john doe and lou reed.
the reality of boy-girl life gets harsh, but in my fantasy, the music keeps them together.
she knows pop dreams are a hustle, a deception, a 'glamour' in the witchcraft sense of the word.
on the way we talked about the road sign ' bridge ices before road.' i always wondered, if that's a problem, why don't they just build the bridge out of the same stuff they used to build the road? drema explained that the bridge isn't made out of a different material than the road, but that the bridge ices quicker because it's alone, hanging there without the land under it to keep it warm. i knew i would have to relearn how to listen to music, and that some of the music we'd loved together i'd never be able to hear again. every time i started to cry, i remember how renee used to say real life was a bad country song, except bad country songs are believable and real life isn't.
now, we had a whole different language to learn, a new grammar of loss to conjugate: i lose, you lose, we lose; i have lost, you have lost, we have lost. words i said out loud, every day, many times a day, for years and years - suddenly they were dust in my mouth.
you lose a certain kind of innocence when you experience this kind of kindness. you lose your right to be a jaded cynic. you can no longer go back through the looking glass and pretend not to know what you know about kindness. it's a defeat, in a way.
i had no idea how to live up to that kindness.
it was nothing personal. that's the way of the world.
how do you pretend you don't know about it, after you see it?
september had come and nothing had changed.
when my friends and family would ask how i was doing, i stalled or stuttered or lied.
love dies in many different ways, and it's natural for the grass to seem greener on the other side. but it's not a competition; there's plenty of pain to go around..
it's not human to let go of love, even when it's dead.
i grieve that grief can teach me nothing. i was hoping that was a lie. but it wasn't.
she was so kind, i wanted to cry with humiliation that i was taking up her time when all i would do was let her down, the way i let down every other person trying to be kind to me.
i realized i was starved for some color and noise, and i knew that's what i would get.
individually, all the songs on this tape make me smile, but lined up in this order, they make me shudder. listening to this tape is like going back somewhere i never belonged in the first place, and it's spooky to tiptoe back in.
it was too hard to keep living surrounded by so much of the past. i needed to go.
it was bittersweet getting to know these songs i never got to share.
i realize that i will never fully understand the millions of bizarre was that music brings people together.
some of them even had something to say about the real world, which is way more than anybody has a right to expect from musicians.
if i didn't want ot have these experiences, didn't want to run into living things that reminded me of the past, i would have to hide under a rock- except that would remind me of the past, too, so i try not to hide. what shocks me is that the present is alive.
that's the part i love about them. but the rhythm of the mix tape is the rhythm of romance, the analog hum of a physical connection b etween two sloppy, human bodies.
no matter how hard you listen, you can't get down to the pure sound, not as it gets heard by impure flesh-and-blood ears. so instead of listening to the pure sound, you listen to a mix. . .you listen, and you mutate along with the sound.
you hear something you like, and you press rewind to go back to it. but you can't rewind the tape to the exact same place again. so you start fresh.
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