starting this coming monday, my blog will be moving
you can find me here
http://onyourfrequency.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
07.30.2009
København, Denmark
so, i have been really awful about updating...surprise, surprise. all that i'm doing today, however, is writing. well, at least until i meet up with mathilde and go to this farewell party tonight. im going to try and recount the nine days since i left the states, but im not sure how well im going to do. first day in amsterdam...coffeeshop (easy times) and then checked into the hostel to leave my bag. then i wandered around museumplein, went to the rijksmuseum (high) which was really disappointing and way too expensive for what it was, then i went to the van gogh museum, which was worth every penny. the steidlijk museum (aka the bath tub) is undergoing renovations, so they temporarily moved two avant-garde modern art exhibits to the van gogh museum, the twenties and the sixities, which i adored.
then i went back to the room for a nap, met stephen and then we went out for a drink. we got a pint in leidseplein, then richard met up with us (note:this part is all repetitive if you read the journal entry from amsterdam) and we decided to head to soundgarden since they were supposed to be showing a movie, which was a bust, but the bar was good. oh, and we went to maos for falafel. yum. met his finnish friends, who were a bit mean, and then we went ot this kind of seedy, dark club. i'm realizing how that i have already written about this. oh well. eventually stephan and i made it all the way back to the hostel, then i crashed hard. i woke up in time for breakfast, somehow, and stephen and i agreed to meet up for dinner after i got back. he had to meet up with his new landlord and start moving into his apartment in amsterdam, so this was the perfect opportunity to go exploring. i walked to centraal station, then out past the windmill, then back west through spuistraat and bit further north behind centraal station itself. it was nice to just walk around and try to absorb the city. oh, i also went into st. nicholaas and found a really cool flea market. i'm really glad i did it, but by the end of the day my feet were dead. i had taken some time to rest in vondelpark before i headed back to the hostel, then stephen and i went to a chinese restaurant and i have some amazing teriyaki tofu. then i came back and stephan went to meet richard.
i got back to the room and was coerced into going on a pub crawl in the red light district with mathilde and daniel, whom i had met briefly that morning, and then we subsequently convinced ben and dimitri to come along as well. we got dressed, walked over to the players club in the red light district, where the crawl started, and lo and behold michael was there by himself, who was also staying in our room in the hostel! it was one big party. we got free jager shots at every bar and club we went to, and there was always some kind of drink special. i told myself i was going to avoid the jager, but who says no to free shots? i couldn't help but think of andrew and all those awful nights on the bus or in hal and mals, but it was fun. the third shot almost got me, but it was all downhill from there, and by downhill i mean a lot of good fun. ben was really into me, and apparently ranted and raved about me to daniel later, but i wasn't really looking for anything. mathilde and i ended up leaving the last club a little after four, and then we ran into zach and some random asian danish guys (i know, right?) at the tram stop. mathilde left with the asian guys (i never got their names!) and i went with zach.
i got to ride a bike in the traditional 'dutch way' and then saw some of the more authentic parts of amsterdam. i took the metro back at around eleven the next morning, showered, and went to the royal palace in dam square, after missing the free New Europe tour yet again. the palace was really cool and i loved all the mythological references and motifs. i walked around a little, and then went to dinner with daniel, ben and mathilde at a random italian restaurant near the hostel in leidseplein. ben went back to the hostel and then mathilde, daniel and i went to the bulldog (well, one of them) in the red light district, had a coffee, smoked, and then wandered around the canals and the western part of the city until around two, then headed back.
i finally went on the free tour the next day after moving to hotel anne-marie that morning. i walked through rembrandtplein for the first time, and then finally made it all the way to dam square. the weather was absolutely awful and i got horrible blisters from my tevas. after the free tour i tried, on a whim, to ring whitney at her hotel since i ended up near the train station, and she was there! we went to the grasshopper, enjoyed northern lights and then agreed to meet back up that night with sarah beck at abraxas if i didn't end up at matthias' birthday party with stephen. well, my phone stopped working and i think whitney's canal tour ended late, along with the fact that she was confused about where it was (not spuistraat but the street directly behind dam square down the street from the albert). long story short, she wasn't there when i got there. i got a fanta and then headed back to the hostel and fell asleep around one. woke up the next day and had absolutely no plan. whitney and i were supposed to meet up at one or two and go to the jewish quarter, so i had a few hours to kill.
i woke up late and headed to centraal station to get my reservation for the train to copenhagen, which took forever and was a bit frustrating. i had to go out of my way to berlin, and then back again. it all worked out in the end, though. after that i tried to get a hold of whitney, but i couldn't. i walked around waterlooplein, found another flea market, and then i decided to find a coffee to ward off the bad day and then go back down spuistraat. i wanted to take pictures of the things i had missed when i didn't have my camera on me the night before, anyway. i ended up passing a small bulldog that was a bit out of the way, and decided to stop for a cappuccino.
i ended up chatting with two americans who were also there, lily and chris, and we decided to spend the rest of the day hanging out. we went for more coffee and lunch at bagel and beans, then went to rokin to go shopping at the big h&m, where i bought a really affordable (and cute) red shoulder bag. we went for a pint on the canal after that, and then set off in search of the tapas bar that lily's friend works at. we found it eventually, and a few appetizers and more than a few pitchers of sangria later, the bar was closing. lily left with robin and chris agreed to walk me back to the hostel. i got back in one piece, and crashed, yet again. checked out the next morning and left my bag at the annemarie. i walked around waterlooplein and found a flea market, and then eventually made it all the way to jordaan, where i went to the anne frank huis. it was a much more powerful experience than i was expecting, and after that back to the annemarie, pack strapped on, one last internet session before leaving amsterdam.
tram to centraal station, only the second time i had taken transportation (other than one foot in front of the other) since i had been in amsterdam. got ot my platform with an hour to kill before the train left, made friends with an old, local man who offered me his beach house to use at my leisure, and then boarded the train in a bit of a stupor. i met two really cool guys, brian from the states and eric from rotterdam, and we spoke for a few hours, which was really more fun than i was expecting. eventually we pulled into berlin at 4:20 in the morning, in theory, which turned out to be 5 and i literally just caught my train to hamburg as it was pulling out of the station.
got to hamburg, transferred again to the train bound for copenhagen, and slept like a baby after my heart stopped racing from all of the trying to stay awake, get to the right platforms, compartments, and seats. i was more than a bit confused by the train/ferry thing on the last leg of the trip, but i got to copenhagen (in one piece) around 12:30 in the afternoon, but without a functioning phone. in panic mode, i start to go up the stairs to the main station to hear my name 'Brandi! Brandi!' because mathilde was there waiting for me! well, that brings me up to denmark, but my hand needs a break, so until the next coffeeshop...
so, i have been really awful about updating...surprise, surprise. all that i'm doing today, however, is writing. well, at least until i meet up with mathilde and go to this farewell party tonight. im going to try and recount the nine days since i left the states, but im not sure how well im going to do. first day in amsterdam...coffeeshop (easy times) and then checked into the hostel to leave my bag. then i wandered around museumplein, went to the rijksmuseum (high) which was really disappointing and way too expensive for what it was, then i went to the van gogh museum, which was worth every penny. the steidlijk museum (aka the bath tub) is undergoing renovations, so they temporarily moved two avant-garde modern art exhibits to the van gogh museum, the twenties and the sixities, which i adored.
then i went back to the room for a nap, met stephen and then we went out for a drink. we got a pint in leidseplein, then richard met up with us (note:this part is all repetitive if you read the journal entry from amsterdam) and we decided to head to soundgarden since they were supposed to be showing a movie, which was a bust, but the bar was good. oh, and we went to maos for falafel. yum. met his finnish friends, who were a bit mean, and then we went ot this kind of seedy, dark club. i'm realizing how that i have already written about this. oh well. eventually stephan and i made it all the way back to the hostel, then i crashed hard. i woke up in time for breakfast, somehow, and stephen and i agreed to meet up for dinner after i got back. he had to meet up with his new landlord and start moving into his apartment in amsterdam, so this was the perfect opportunity to go exploring. i walked to centraal station, then out past the windmill, then back west through spuistraat and bit further north behind centraal station itself. it was nice to just walk around and try to absorb the city. oh, i also went into st. nicholaas and found a really cool flea market. i'm really glad i did it, but by the end of the day my feet were dead. i had taken some time to rest in vondelpark before i headed back to the hostel, then stephen and i went to a chinese restaurant and i have some amazing teriyaki tofu. then i came back and stephan went to meet richard.
i got back to the room and was coerced into going on a pub crawl in the red light district with mathilde and daniel, whom i had met briefly that morning, and then we subsequently convinced ben and dimitri to come along as well. we got dressed, walked over to the players club in the red light district, where the crawl started, and lo and behold michael was there by himself, who was also staying in our room in the hostel! it was one big party. we got free jager shots at every bar and club we went to, and there was always some kind of drink special. i told myself i was going to avoid the jager, but who says no to free shots? i couldn't help but think of andrew and all those awful nights on the bus or in hal and mals, but it was fun. the third shot almost got me, but it was all downhill from there, and by downhill i mean a lot of good fun. ben was really into me, and apparently ranted and raved about me to daniel later, but i wasn't really looking for anything. mathilde and i ended up leaving the last club a little after four, and then we ran into zach and some random asian danish guys (i know, right?) at the tram stop. mathilde left with the asian guys (i never got their names!) and i went with zach.
i got to ride a bike in the traditional 'dutch way' and then saw some of the more authentic parts of amsterdam. i took the metro back at around eleven the next morning, showered, and went to the royal palace in dam square, after missing the free New Europe tour yet again. the palace was really cool and i loved all the mythological references and motifs. i walked around a little, and then went to dinner with daniel, ben and mathilde at a random italian restaurant near the hostel in leidseplein. ben went back to the hostel and then mathilde, daniel and i went to the bulldog (well, one of them) in the red light district, had a coffee, smoked, and then wandered around the canals and the western part of the city until around two, then headed back.
i finally went on the free tour the next day after moving to hotel anne-marie that morning. i walked through rembrandtplein for the first time, and then finally made it all the way to dam square. the weather was absolutely awful and i got horrible blisters from my tevas. after the free tour i tried, on a whim, to ring whitney at her hotel since i ended up near the train station, and she was there! we went to the grasshopper, enjoyed northern lights and then agreed to meet back up that night with sarah beck at abraxas if i didn't end up at matthias' birthday party with stephen. well, my phone stopped working and i think whitney's canal tour ended late, along with the fact that she was confused about where it was (not spuistraat but the street directly behind dam square down the street from the albert). long story short, she wasn't there when i got there. i got a fanta and then headed back to the hostel and fell asleep around one. woke up the next day and had absolutely no plan. whitney and i were supposed to meet up at one or two and go to the jewish quarter, so i had a few hours to kill.
i woke up late and headed to centraal station to get my reservation for the train to copenhagen, which took forever and was a bit frustrating. i had to go out of my way to berlin, and then back again. it all worked out in the end, though. after that i tried to get a hold of whitney, but i couldn't. i walked around waterlooplein, found another flea market, and then i decided to find a coffee to ward off the bad day and then go back down spuistraat. i wanted to take pictures of the things i had missed when i didn't have my camera on me the night before, anyway. i ended up passing a small bulldog that was a bit out of the way, and decided to stop for a cappuccino.
i ended up chatting with two americans who were also there, lily and chris, and we decided to spend the rest of the day hanging out. we went for more coffee and lunch at bagel and beans, then went to rokin to go shopping at the big h&m, where i bought a really affordable (and cute) red shoulder bag. we went for a pint on the canal after that, and then set off in search of the tapas bar that lily's friend works at. we found it eventually, and a few appetizers and more than a few pitchers of sangria later, the bar was closing. lily left with robin and chris agreed to walk me back to the hostel. i got back in one piece, and crashed, yet again. checked out the next morning and left my bag at the annemarie. i walked around waterlooplein and found a flea market, and then eventually made it all the way to jordaan, where i went to the anne frank huis. it was a much more powerful experience than i was expecting, and after that back to the annemarie, pack strapped on, one last internet session before leaving amsterdam.
tram to centraal station, only the second time i had taken transportation (other than one foot in front of the other) since i had been in amsterdam. got ot my platform with an hour to kill before the train left, made friends with an old, local man who offered me his beach house to use at my leisure, and then boarded the train in a bit of a stupor. i met two really cool guys, brian from the states and eric from rotterdam, and we spoke for a few hours, which was really more fun than i was expecting. eventually we pulled into berlin at 4:20 in the morning, in theory, which turned out to be 5 and i literally just caught my train to hamburg as it was pulling out of the station.
got to hamburg, transferred again to the train bound for copenhagen, and slept like a baby after my heart stopped racing from all of the trying to stay awake, get to the right platforms, compartments, and seats. i was more than a bit confused by the train/ferry thing on the last leg of the trip, but i got to copenhagen (in one piece) around 12:30 in the afternoon, but without a functioning phone. in panic mode, i start to go up the stairs to the main station to hear my name 'Brandi! Brandi!' because mathilde was there waiting for me! well, that brings me up to denmark, but my hand needs a break, so until the next coffeeshop...
so long, farewell...
i leave for italy in the morning, then i'm off to greece. my bags are packed - empty journal, moleskines, and memory cards to keep me company. that and a pocket italian phrasebook.
i won't be updating on here, only on paper, until i get back on june 7th...but i would love to hear from all of you. it would be nice to hear a friendly "voice" halfway across the globe whenever i find the time to sit down in an internet cafe.
so, email me - bucklbm@millsaps.edu
oh, and this my three hundredth post (though you, the general viewing public, can't see all of them...sorry). funny how landmarks sometimes coincide.
post-it notes and recollections
i'm having a really dull, unproductive day. i just spent the last fifteen minutes looking for the cds with my pictures from greece...i told dr. fries i would burn her a copy, but i can't find them. i'm usually not this disorganized, but i don't see a point in tidying up when i will be moving out in a few days. i should probably be packing if i'm not doing work...oh well.
i just picked up one of my textbooks for bronze age archaeology to start marking it up for my final (which is open note, open book) and there were still a few stray post-it notes in the text from earlier this semester. considering the conversation i had today, it seems like maybe this is contrived, but it isn't. it is funny the little signs you find in your life, sometimes.
these are the little reminders i leave myself, but this semester ive been too busy to keep up with writing, so what would make sense at the time is lost to chronological ambiguity.
as far as the double shadow, i remember that bit...i just can't place it during a particular time of the year. i was walking to the caf, headphones on, between the christian center and murrah. i was looking down, like i had been tending to do...trying to remain anonymous, not having the confidence to look up and make eye contact with anyone anymore. looking at the ground, i noticed that i had two shadows besides me, both my own...one fainter than the other. maybe it was the way the sun was coming from behind me, i dont know. i distinctly remember thinking that not only was this strange, it was fitting. one part of me, less real than another...neither of the shadows truly representing who i am. i feel like ive been a shadow of myself for the past couple of years. up until a handful of weeks ago, i would say this was still true. something has changed though, for the better, and i dont think i can say the same anymore.
the camera note is either about needing to keep a camera with me at all times, which i do now after a few missed moments, or lamenting the fact that i didnt have a DSLR for a couple of weeks this semester. either way, its irrelevant now thank goodness.
everyone else on campus has their relationships, organizations, habits, roommates, routines...and here i was jumping back into this semester unprepared and out of the loop. the whole in medias res thing again. i'm always catching things in the midst of something else, one foot in the past, one foot hestitantly moving closer to the future, what comes next.
the rest, well...ill leave them up to you. irony, synchronicity, reality. which of the three is really worthwhile?
i just picked up one of my textbooks for bronze age archaeology to start marking it up for my final (which is open note, open book) and there were still a few stray post-it notes in the text from earlier this semester. considering the conversation i had today, it seems like maybe this is contrived, but it isn't. it is funny the little signs you find in your life, sometimes.
these are the little reminders i leave myself, but this semester ive been too busy to keep up with writing, so what would make sense at the time is lost to chronological ambiguity.
as far as the double shadow, i remember that bit...i just can't place it during a particular time of the year. i was walking to the caf, headphones on, between the christian center and murrah. i was looking down, like i had been tending to do...trying to remain anonymous, not having the confidence to look up and make eye contact with anyone anymore. looking at the ground, i noticed that i had two shadows besides me, both my own...one fainter than the other. maybe it was the way the sun was coming from behind me, i dont know. i distinctly remember thinking that not only was this strange, it was fitting. one part of me, less real than another...neither of the shadows truly representing who i am. i feel like ive been a shadow of myself for the past couple of years. up until a handful of weeks ago, i would say this was still true. something has changed though, for the better, and i dont think i can say the same anymore.
the camera note is either about needing to keep a camera with me at all times, which i do now after a few missed moments, or lamenting the fact that i didnt have a DSLR for a couple of weeks this semester. either way, its irrelevant now thank goodness.
everyone else on campus has their relationships, organizations, habits, roommates, routines...and here i was jumping back into this semester unprepared and out of the loop. the whole in medias res thing again. i'm always catching things in the midst of something else, one foot in the past, one foot hestitantly moving closer to the future, what comes next.
the rest, well...ill leave them up to you. irony, synchronicity, reality. which of the three is really worthwhile?
sorry that i'm taken aback
i woke up with the sun today...what a great way to start off the daunting day i have ahead of me. i'm back in jackson now, wasting time until i have to take my greek test this afternoon. i should start studying for my latin final, or my roman legacy final for that matter, since i have to take both tomorrow, but i'm still sitting here on my bed, fighting sleep. i keep throwing out the word surreal to try and describe the last few days, but i don't think there is any one adjective that can truly encapsulate what i have experienced. unlike the last few weeks that have been full of all-nighters and scrambling to put together term papers, my lack of sleep this past week has been punctuated by experiences i never would have expected. i'm trying to let myself be more spontaneous, live more in the moment, and it is hard...but worthwhile. i used to calculate every moment of every day, trying to thwart the unexpected with thought-out reason and definitive answers and plans so that i didn't have to face whatever chance, fortune, fate (whatever you believe in) threw my way. articulating that makes me feel like i was trying to be a stoic...a hyper-productive stoic, but still, that makes me sound like i could be in league with seneca, or someone of the like.
i can feel the weight of my sleep deprivation right behind my eyes, struggling to remain alert...but i feel the weight of my actions and the bigger issues at hand in my (insert some cliche here...heart, chest, soul).
beyond the rescue, invisible children, road trips and this growing sense of community, something else really unexpected came my way yesterday as well. i love beginnings, even if they are in medias res, and the excitement they incite. this quote reminds me a lot of my dear you (though i swear it was written before i ever read this) from a little while ago. those days are long past, but on the conceptual level it still rings true. i wish i could have some consistency in my life, but the thrill of starting something new and uncertain is more than enough. i just need to stop being so damn awkward. i can't help it...i can get a bit flustered when i have a bit of a crush.
i am in the mood for this is me smiling. obviously, i am "so excited to sleep"...but they feel like a good complement to the tone of the day.
but if it was you, i dont think that it would matter
i finally knew that i simply couldnt matter
you finally knew that you simply couldnt matter
i guess that its true that you never knew the passive power of the truth,
so cut me lose
if i could write another phrase
i would be better off this way
but theres no use, theres no use
you finally knew that you simply couldnt matter
i guess that its true that you never knew the passive power of the truth,
so cut me lose
if i could write another phrase
i would be better off this way
but theres no use, theres no use
Manchester Orchestra - The Only One
on recent habits
so, i haven't actually been writing a lot. apparently we are skipping forward an hour tonight (news to me until a couple of hours ago) so being proactive, i started the post before the l juchange. consequently, a blog that will take me about an hour to write, as long as the inspiration lasts that is, will show up two hours later.
work tonight. still just as nervous going in as before, and it haunted me all day.
i woke up, laid around for a bit, stalking tumblrs and flickrs (i guess all the cool sites leave out the -e in the -er(s) endings) and watched the neverending story, or a lot of it, online. i hate fake or dead links, but ultimately i got around to a functioning site. i really want to see good will hunting and xanadu in the near future. maybe i should start a netflix account.
i finally finished eggers, so now on to some c.s. lewis and maybe some albee - i'm not sure if i'm up for that though. i need something uplifting, not horribly depressing exploration of human nature at the moment. it is bad enough exploring the inside of my thoughts.
ray came into work last night. i didn't see him, and then i saw him left and right. that, plus webb, is too much. i have to quit. i can't work there anymore. it isn't a matter of failing, but a matter of my sanity. i am still failing, and it will seem that way to everyone, but i'm quitting before i go crazy. i can't knowingly bring more panic attacks into my daily life. andrew is really cool about everything, but he really tries so hard to keep me around. i just don't think i can do it.
work tonight. still just as nervous going in as before, and it haunted me all day.
i woke up, laid around for a bit, stalking tumblrs and flickrs (i guess all the cool sites leave out the -e in the -er(s) endings) and watched the neverending story, or a lot of it, online. i hate fake or dead links, but ultimately i got around to a functioning site. i really want to see good will hunting and xanadu in the near future. maybe i should start a netflix account.
i finally finished eggers, so now on to some c.s. lewis and maybe some albee - i'm not sure if i'm up for that though. i need something uplifting, not horribly depressing exploration of human nature at the moment. it is bad enough exploring the inside of my thoughts.
ray came into work last night. i didn't see him, and then i saw him left and right. that, plus webb, is too much. i have to quit. i can't work there anymore. it isn't a matter of failing, but a matter of my sanity. i am still failing, and it will seem that way to everyone, but i'm quitting before i go crazy. i can't knowingly bring more panic attacks into my daily life. andrew is really cool about everything, but he really tries so hard to keep me around. i just don't think i can do it.
the best of me
----
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we're still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings
and missing each other too much
to have had to let go
we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
jumping to conclusions made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont feeling that we cant we're not ready to give up
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
The Starting Line epic ending with "The Best of Me" at Bamboozle Left '08 from Gaille Chua on Vimeo.
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we're still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings
and missing each other too much
to have had to let go
we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
jumping to conclusions made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont feeling that we cant we're not ready to give up
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
The Starting Line epic ending with "The Best of Me" at Bamboozle Left '08 from Gaille Chua on Vimeo.
i can read
i'm tired of waiting, and i don't know what beauty there is any longer. this next one made me laugh because i know the greek for the "know thyself" bit. it's how we memorized alternate forms of second person singular imperatives in intro greek. now i'm running away.
on purpose, or lack thereof
the juxtaposition of all these horribly simple events has led me to an intolerable impasse.
i can't even find the words, but if i could, this would be the result.
i can't even find the words, but if i could, this would be the result.
desires
i would like nothing more than to drop everything and everyone in my life and spend the rest of my days trying to articulate everything that i feel, and how i experience every transient moment of my horribly depressing existence. all i need is a room, with all the music i have ever heard and an infinite amount of ink and paper. that is all i want.
i deconstruct my thoughts
i am still a little hazy, and i have a lot of things i need to accomplish this afternoon. i just spent the last half hour composing an e-mail to a new acquaintance, who i already kind of adore. not in a creepy way, i promise, but she seems really neat. i trust our mutual friend's judgment, regardless. the first e-mail was strained, but it has become much more natural.
latin class was hell, like always. i don't know how i will get through it, at all. i found out rachel and amy are taking it pass/fail, which probably would have been a good life choice. my grade will be awful. the take-home quiz that caused me to be anxiety-stricken for a few hours ended up getting me a B-, which could be much worse, but is not good. at least i passed. i can work from there.
i woke up early, read a bit of a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, which i have still yet to finish. i need to get this over with, and move on. i can feel myself becoming more apathetic towards it, so it is now or never. i felt like i should be studying latin, but the morning is my time. just because everyone else around me is cramming for the translation doesn't mean that i shouldn't take the forty five minutes to eat my breakfast, drink my coffee, and read a book. i will not give in to the pressure.
class, then caf with james and sam. then we headed back to galloway, bought the death cab tickets for the orpheum show in april (which is almost sold out), i composed an e-mail, got my archaeology books together, and headed out to explore behind belhaven, rebel in hand.
we went to the river and by this old, dilapidated railroad that is falling apart at the end. everything was so overgrown, and beautiful. i have a morbid fascination with urban decay and i couldn't get enough of this place. everywhere we went was so intriguing. we ended up sitting up on the tracks, despite their shaky foundations and crumbling supports and chatted for a bit. expect tons of pictures later tonight or tomorrow. i am really excited about them :)
archaeology was really long, and i am still not certain of what i will write my research paper on. hopefully something will present itself, like it did for roman legacy. i'm listening to umphrey's mcgee, uploading my photos, half-conscious, and now it is time for me too get to work. more soon, hopefully.
latin class was hell, like always. i don't know how i will get through it, at all. i found out rachel and amy are taking it pass/fail, which probably would have been a good life choice. my grade will be awful. the take-home quiz that caused me to be anxiety-stricken for a few hours ended up getting me a B-, which could be much worse, but is not good. at least i passed. i can work from there.
i woke up early, read a bit of a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, which i have still yet to finish. i need to get this over with, and move on. i can feel myself becoming more apathetic towards it, so it is now or never. i felt like i should be studying latin, but the morning is my time. just because everyone else around me is cramming for the translation doesn't mean that i shouldn't take the forty five minutes to eat my breakfast, drink my coffee, and read a book. i will not give in to the pressure.
class, then caf with james and sam. then we headed back to galloway, bought the death cab tickets for the orpheum show in april (which is almost sold out), i composed an e-mail, got my archaeology books together, and headed out to explore behind belhaven, rebel in hand.
we went to the river and by this old, dilapidated railroad that is falling apart at the end. everything was so overgrown, and beautiful. i have a morbid fascination with urban decay and i couldn't get enough of this place. everywhere we went was so intriguing. we ended up sitting up on the tracks, despite their shaky foundations and crumbling supports and chatted for a bit. expect tons of pictures later tonight or tomorrow. i am really excited about them :)
archaeology was really long, and i am still not certain of what i will write my research paper on. hopefully something will present itself, like it did for roman legacy. i'm listening to umphrey's mcgee, uploading my photos, half-conscious, and now it is time for me too get to work. more soon, hopefully.
through snow, dirt, and sands
i forgot my memo pad, so i had to scribble down some notes on the inside cover of a heartbreaking work as i was walking to the caf today.light reflecting halfway down the height of the wall, a continuous, unbroken beam that begins further ahead than i had reached and ends indeterminately behind my footsteps. the dimly lit doorway at the end of the hall of fake, plastered half-columns serving as flimsy attempts at opulence. i walk through the door after a number of carefully placed steps and i wonder where all the promising light has gone. once on the other side, this overcast temperament makes it hard to believe that there was ever hope in the first place - it is enough to send me back to the purgatory of somewhere in between hope and actuation.
it just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle
so, i have all this dead time between latin and archaeology. i think this is going to be dedicated coffee and blog time. i haven't decided if it will be on or off campus, but every tuesday and thursday afternoon will be dedicated to blogging. today, and the rest of this weekend, i am frantically trying to get every last thing organized. i went to purchase more hangers, since somehow my large box of them has mysteriously disappeared, and ended up with more coffee, some honey, shaving cream, and shampoo. i mean, i needed all of them, but still. i had to drive out to county line to mail my external hard drive back to austin, and i prefer dealing with fedex kinkos over the post office. i had the time, so why not afford myself a bit of stress-free luxury. now, i am here, looking over the list of bands for south by southwest, and i cannot wait for it to be here. i will post the list of bands i am most excited for later this evening.
books have been way too expensive this year. i wish i had known that all of these recommended books were actually required, so that i could have accurately predicted how much i was going to have to spend...because then i would have definitely ordered them all online. too late now, though.
time to finish my coffee, clean, class, caf, then a candlelight tonight.
books have been way too expensive this year. i wish i had known that all of these recommended books were actually required, so that i could have accurately predicted how much i was going to have to spend...because then i would have definitely ordered them all online. too late now, though.
time to finish my coffee, clean, class, caf, then a candlelight tonight.
lists and thoughts
do something with my life.forget my past.
leave history behind me.
speak my mind.
write more.
read more.
do my work on time.
sleep less.
smoke less.
be more social.
get over you.
find someone.
hate myself less.
move on.
let people in.
not be defined by my mistakes.
finish something.
do something worthwhile.
we built too many walls, yeah, we built too many walls
one hundred posts...i feel like i am obligated to make this extra special or something. i have become so inconsistent, with fluctuating periods of increased enthusiasm. i do not feel creative or particularly inspired, kind of being pulled down by the anticipation of what is coming next in my life. i am ready to turn the page, start anew. i love the sensation of writing in a journal or on a spiral for the first time - one more chance to start again.
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