Breaking me down I was lost, was I found? I wanna feel everything When everything feels wrong with me Take a look and brace myself Everybody wants to make it count
Save me 'Cause I can never float, sinking Amaze me And I would be there holding on for life"
Btw, i have the most ridiculous mix cd ever and i love listening to it. i'm talking aqualung to bright eyes to frou frou to kansas to saves the day to bloc party. like straight up shenanigans. every time i hear "carry on my wayward son" i think about dean dying on supernatural...and it kinda makes me sad.
omg - i have to finish this in the morning, too many things going on in my head right now
Back in jackson. I feel like I'm going to suffocate every time I'm here....it's a new heart attack.
I had to come back a day early from the island because my nanny is going to the hospital tomorrow, so my ride back up to jackson had to be moved up a day. I guess when it rains, it pours. Hopefully everything will be okay with her.
So, I'm the biggest dork in the world - I'm not even going to try and hide it. My dad bought me this because he thought it would be a great way to waste all my free time. Guitar Hero for DS....fuck yeah. There is even a Bloc Party song, which is bad ass.
So, I'm kinda bummed - I didn't get to see Apples in Stereo last night at Hi Tone. If anyone went, don't rub it in my face. I'm back in Galloway, Rachel is out running errands and I'm doing some photoshop stuff while watching the OC on the soap network. Lame.
August 5th. Hell yeah. Two days before the show at Mud Island. Stoked. Plus, I'm probably going to see my baby girl Sam in Birmingham tomorrow...I hope it works out.
" You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice, but now it isn't true"
I forgot how much I loved ABBA as a child. At least Eurovision brought fame to one artist, Celine Dion aside, who is good for more than just a good laugh. As much as I love Kalomira and "Baila El ChickiChicki"....most Eurovision bands don't amount to much.
Well....I do like Boaz, Laka, and Sebastien Tellier for real, but you still get the picture.
I just saw Mamma Mia with my dad and my little sister, and it makes me uncomfortable to sit next to a twelve year old listening to/seeing all those sexual references. She will always be my baby sister to me, and I don't think I will ever be comfortable with that haha. The movie was cheesy, and over the top, and Pierce Brosnan should have just stood there and looked nice with his mouth closed, but I still left with a smile.
ABBA really does remind me of my childhood, and to quote This Providence -
"I miss the days when we were young, innocent, and so naive"
I waste too much time on lost causes. I get my hopes up too much. I'm not asking for anything impossible, I promise I'm not demanding - I just want a chance. My desire is simple, but I think I love beating myself down. Why do I want to know him so much? I really don't know if he could even care less.
I'm going back to Jackson in the morning, I don't know how long I'm going to stick around. I'm supposed to have a hair appointment on Wednesday (I'm going to do something crazy-ish like big blonde chunks or something) but I think I might push it back.
On that girlie note, I really need to get my nails filled. I keep getting solars to try and break my nervous habit of biting my nails, and well, because they look nice, but I have super-human nail growing abilities. My solars are halfway up my real nail now and I got them...not even three weeks ago. Imagine your fingernails getting half their length longer in under three weeks - that's just weird.
I feel like I'm finding my center a little more - maybe it's all the sleep and my I-don't-give-a-shit attitude at the moment, but it's nice. I just don't know how I feel about finding peace when faced with adversity - can I only find solace in my own self-destruction, be it conscious or be it uncontrollable? If so, that's a scary thought.
Oh, I was also disappointed in myself when I realized I know Mobile like the back of my hand...I shouldn't know my way around a town like this. I need a real place to call home, and soon.
P.S. - I changed my song on Myspace again, don't judge me. This song is popping up everywhere in commercials, ads, etc. and I don't know what it is but it just...strikes a chord in me, resonates. I don't like the Bravery, I don't like their music, and they are douche-y coke heads (okay, maybe not all of the members of the band, I was generalizing based on a few of their actions) but I love this song. So sue me.
so nothing too interesting to update - this is my last night of internet access for a couple of days though, i'm about to head out to my family's beach house on dauphin island in the morning.
right now i'm in mobile, which isn't exactly ideal but i'll take what i can get. i left memphis wednesday morning, doctor, met up with rachel, took a 2.5 second nap in galloway. p.s. that construction is freaking annoying. glad i'm not on campus all summer - sorry to those of you who are. we got sal and mookie's take out for dinner after i picked her up from work, then we came back and watched an episode or two or weeds.
oh yeah, that's what i've done this week. watch tv online - all. week. tuesday i watched the entire season of dirty sexy money, because my mom of all people suggested i see it. wednesday, season one and half of season two of weeds. thursday, finished season two and halfway through season three. and then last night i caught up in season four. needless to say, i'm hooked. nancy is way too precious for her own good, i have a girl crush on her. oh, but way too much sex on that show though... just saying.
wednesday night i had dinner with phoebe at young avenue, and it was nice to spend some time with her - it had been way too long. however, we had our hopes up that some decent band was going to be playing since they showed up with legit merch and everything....not exactly what we were expecting, only to be disappointed. it was this random band that i had seen play at naca (all of you who know what naca is or have ever been....you should understand) which was kinda funny, but definitely not worth sitting through.
backtrack earlier that day. jager called me - talk about a blast from the past. my mom had actually mentioned him before we went to the warhol exhibit at the brooks and then just a few days later i get a call from him. it was only slightly suspect when he mentioned that he was single again, but we had a good heart to heart. we really did always get along well, and i truly think we are platonically drawn to one another - it was really good for life to come full circle like that at this particular juncture.
friday, i got the chance to sleep in, then headed over to the doctor for my biopsy with rach. i'm really glad she came with me - i'm not letting myself do this alone again. needless to say, rachel and i have now brought our friendship to a whole new level - but i wouldn't have it any other way (rachel, if you're reading this don't find that creepy. i mean, you saw me grow green for god's sake). i don't know what the deal was but i was about to fucking kick my doctor in the head because either she wasn't doing a good job or she was using bad instruments and kept taking bad samples. as much as i LOVE being awake while getting tissue samples cut out and all...three should be enough to deal with, but no. i must have done something to have such terrible karma, because an extra three or four samples is not something anyone deserves to go through.
oh, and liquid eyeliner is a bad choice when getting a biopsy. crying will ensue. i looked like an idiot. i'm also glad rach dealt with me being a big baby
we got coffee, picked up her car, and then my aunt came to pick me up and drive me down to mobile. we did some shopping today, but power outages were pretty annoying. i just got back from seeing x-files with my dad, i was uber disappointed. i mean...it was disturbing and all, but not what i was expecting at all.
i'm watching this documentary on the history channel about batman right now - and all i can do when i see christian bale is think of newsies. has anyone else ever seen this? i was obsessed with this musical from the day it came out. i can probably still quote it from beginning to end, and i still love it. starr, andy, and i used to watch it after school when we were supposed to be studying for latin in high school. so lame, i know, but i totally embrace it. btw, christian bale plays jack kelly, a runaway cowboy newsboy in turn of the century new york, with full dance and music numbers and a horrible new york accent. love it. check that shit out.
vs.
well, dauphin island in the morning - let's hope all the peace holds out with this much of my family in one place at one time. btw - my sister is the sweetest and most adorable thing in the world.
"I'm caught, somewhere in between alive and living a dream. No peace."
I don't know where to begin. I guess I will start with the facts, and then move into the reality...or how i perceive it. So, everything begins Tuesday July 8th - well, kinda. I flew back from Austin the day before....spent some time with some friends. Actually, ha, I started this blog on that Tuesday. If you look at the old blogs...you will see nothing was "wrong" per se, just uneasiness and general melancholy.
I had a doctor's appointment, following up on medicine/hormone stuff after my surgery in March, and my doctor decided that since I was up for my annual in a month and a half or so, it would be silly to come back - so I had it then. Just the usual follow-ups expected with my previous surgery, and she said verbatim - "I don't see anything to worry about, I don't know why you keep getting these same results." (Note: I have been at some level of at least mild dysplasia since I was like...17). Anyways, I drive back to Memphis that day and get on with my life, not particularly worried about the tests and only slightly concerned with my upcoming dermatology appointment to remove what appears to be a benign mole (little bit of concern since my younger brother has already had skin cancer and this mole showed up after a bad sunburn in greece, but moving on).
Jump ahead one week. Tuesday July 15th. Just after lunch. I had already updated my blog, checked my e-mail, myspace, facebook, livejournal a couple dozen times and had no work to do so I'm just laying down on the couch in Kent's office reading Middlesex and chatting with Ongeleigh about tattoos to pass the time. Kent gets back from his meeting so I go back to mindless internet surfing on my computer. Then, in quick succession, I receive two e-mails notifying me that Alandra had lost her battle with cancer the day before. I am heart-broken. I can't say I was extremely close to her, or that we hung out more often than I do with most people on campus, but I adored her. She was always the one to stay after chapter or sisterhood events and help clean-up...going the extra mile even when no one asked. Her sarcasm made her feel like a kindred spirit and we did have some good times. She was so open, so direct, it almost makes me feel guilty to be so upset about losing her - I know she would have something witty to say that would make me feel like an idiot for being so sappy right now. We spent hours together last summer working on inane decorations for bid day, joking around and laughing more than working most of the time. And my last real, personal memory of her was at St. Jude day at Chili's - we all went to the Chili's out in Madison and I showed up late and squeezed in at the booth with her and a few others. The girls at the booth were enjoying their margaritas and laughing about getting drunk to save lives, and making lewd inappropriate jokes....and talking about certain online purchases they were anticipating the arrival of. There was nothing but honesty with Alandra, and I will miss her. I was afraid to keep in touch with her, which I truly regret, not only because I was afraid to get to close to anyone, but I was particularly afraid of getting closer with her.
Beyond grief, loss, extreme sadness....i felt so selfish. I was afraid, I was panicked. Alandra is the fifth person I have known to have died that I considered myself close to, and it still hasn't gotten easier. With her...and Jordy...this summer has been a time of beginnings and ends. I'm just not sure where they meet, it all seems to blend together now. And it also makes me wonder - is this a beginning or an end for me?
Fast forward, not twenty-four hours later. I feel sick to my stomach and I am too torn up to go to work Wednesday, so I call in and tell Jay I can't make it because of the circumstances...it is just too much for me to handle.
Then, small set back - Webb messages me back on facebook and tells me he is going to be an Invisible Children roadie for the fall. So, my ex is living my dream, not me. I'm glad I wasn't the most passionate one about it or anything
So, recap up until 10 am Wednesday morning - grief, loss, panic, fear, inadequacy, terror, an inexplicable hole in my heart, my entire being unsettled.
This was just the beginning.
As I am brooding over my shortcomings and my frustration at not being able to drive the five hours to the funeral...my phone rings. I assumed it was someone responding to one of my angry text messages about the invisible children thing, but I looked at the caller ID and my heart sank. It was my doctor.
Let me sidetrack for a second and fill in those of you who don't realize what this call means. When these kinds of tests are fine, they just send you a nice little letter saying everything is fine and dandy, and it shows up on your doorstep a month later with a bill attached. They don't bother to let you know in a timely manner when everything is okay, they only make personal contact when something is wrong.
And it was.
Since I am getting emotional just rethinking the phone call, I'm going to skip the play by play. I am officially relapsing. Before, I had "the makings of cancer" if you will, which was spreading and progressing so they surgically removed it all immediately. I had known for a year and a half that it was there, but thanks to the modern marvels of medicine - they were able to tell me that I had it, but i would be sick in a week....or in a decade. But the progression happened, surgery happened, recovery, clean bill of health, I barely made it through with my sanity. Do you know what it is like to have something like that hanging over you head? And then the moment you get used to it, thinking it is harmless and it falls to the back of your mind, it becomes real. Then it is over again before you know it. Talk about going through a gamut of emotions.
This time, there isn't a question about when i will be sick - i am. I am not in a quasi-cancer stage, or a maybe, potentially, it's a possibility that it's cancer stage. I have cancer. Its hard to type those three words. I feel like I need some kind of punctuation or annotation to explain the impact of those words...but it is simple. After all, it is just a fact so I guess that is the only way to say it. Try to get me to say it on the phone - I talk around it for like a minute before I can finally work up the nerve to form the words. Every time I type it, think it, speak it, write it, it becomes a reality more and more so than the last.
I don't want to do this alone. I find myself still trying to "be strong" on the outside and act like it is okay but it's not. I'm falling apart and I don't know if I can fight through it again, especially if it is worse. I am too weak, physically, mentally, spiritually to do this again.
I can't keep talking about this right now....I'm falling apart here at the keyboard and I can't think straight through the tears and the shaking. I have cancer. I don't want to die.
"Still I'm ready to fight. Have my lungs, but you can't take my sight. The walls caved in, Tonight."
can i be as brave as him? my wrist is a reminder, but i can never be like him - i am too weak.
i've been avoiding this post. a lot has happened since wednesday...and i will right about it, but i still don't think i'm ready. as a prelude to this, my mom and i went to st. jude for a tour (she came in town after i got my results, and we have been doing tourist-y memphis things since thursday...and we went there of all places). i have three things to share, that all resonate and are all pertinent. at least you will have an idea of what is coming, and what these past few days have been for me.
if little kids can have this courage, and are way worse off than i am, i shouldn't be this afraid. but i am.
so, my last.fm charts are pathetic. i just started scrobbling again and i am determined to have a respectable chart this week. paramore? really? that's what i get for listening to music at TCB. not to hate on paramore...they are amazing people, just not what i chooses to listen to.
i have all these thoughts of grandeur...but when it come down to it, my experiences never live up to my overly hopeful expectations. disappointment, in myself, is so commonplace it's unbelievable. why do people care what i do? i mean really. i was asked to have an interview about my summer for an article to go on the millsaps site...what made me worth reading about? ha. i guess if you are reading this you care enough to read what i have to say...so you don't count. i don't know what people see in me.
ugh, weirdness. i just realized that my ex-boyfriend looks exactly like my favorite musician/hero...and acts like him too - except less mature. it is seriously creeping me out. i like ~dated one of my idols without knowing it for a year. totally taints my perspective on things.
bored bored bored. anyone want to do something this weekend? because friday through sunday = nothing for me to do. maybe i'll go to jackson...or elsewhere...? i mean, i lay out by the pool for a couple hours every day now...so its not like i can just do that all weekend either, so enticing as that sounds. truth of the matter is i will turn into a lobster if i keep that up...i hate being fair-skinned. well, minus the freckles. i like the freckles.
okay, so my laptop is officially frustrating me now. first, it is constantly buzzing - maybe because my memory is almost full from music/photos? idk. i mean i have an external and i have dumped all my archives and a lot of stuff i don't listen to on it (like i'm talking over 300 gig...i mean, over a period of time but you get the point) and there really isn't much for me to move off because i'm constantly working with or using what's on here. oh, and my computer almost ate shit a couple of weeks ago because i got a virus (the long and the short of it, i'm an idiot) and i had to try and keep it on until my dad could work on it so that it wouldn't further embed itself, etc. etc. and i changed my power settings to save battery.
which leads to frustration #2 - now my computer screen goes darker whenever i'm running on battery, and brighter when it's plugged in...but the problem is, my charger is ghetto-tastic and you have to plug it in just right for it to charge now - so if i move at all or the charger shifts, my screen toggles back and forth between light and dark. and if you didn't put two and two together that means it is happening all. the. time. and since all my work and meaningless time wasting is based around the computer, it is annoying the shit out of me.
so i gave up on the fountainhead for the time being. switched over to middlesex, which is much less tasking. i don't have the will-power to voluntarily conquer another book over 700 pages at the moment.
oh, word of caution. unless you really really want to get my latest piercing, don't do it. it hurts. all the time. and is swollen. all the time. i always hate myself for getting cartilage piercings and end up cursing my stupidity, but this one is by far the worst. my fucking industrial was a walk in the park compared to this shit. go get an industrial, not a snug. seriously.
one thing i did accomplish today, beyond my inane, mind-numbing data entry and research at TCB, was finally sending out some of the "I Will Fight" wristbands. some people were asking around about where they could find one since they have lost or snapped their old ones, but they have been out of production for a few years now. but some nice people made another lot for me to sell at millsaps for a fundraiser, and we had some left over so i got around to dealing with orders/sending them out today. yay for raising more money for cancer research :) nothing is more satisfying than helping a cause, even if it is only a few bucks.
"Then she moved to LA with her firefly stare,
and you loved sunset strip when it sparkled,
you grew up and you sparkled but why don't you care?
friday night was fun. i went to see hell boy 2 and wanted back to back at the drive-in over on summer, it was cool. i haven't been to a drive-in since ~middle school so it was cool to go again. met a bunch of jay's friends who were all real cool, but the whole experience didn't really live up to our expectations. maybe because we went to see hell boy...haha. i don't suggest wasting your money on it, though it can be slightly entertaining if you are a little intoxicated. however, i was eaten alive by mosquitoes and i am still itching. i wasted most of saturday morning/afternoon passed out on benadryl - it is like a tranquilizer for me.
otherwise a boring weekend. i need a hobby or something, i feel like i'm wasting my life being unproductive. i guess there are worse problems in the world to have, but this is killing me. ML and i tried to go lay out by the pool for a while but the sun was only out everyone now and then, mostly overcast, and it started to rain so we called it quits. i don't think i have ever watched as much food network/law and order/history channel in my life. worthless.
quote of the day: i don't care if you're the freaking sugar plum fairy, you still have to work! - ML about an incompetent employee. positive discrimination at its best. we went to the the blue plate cafe and i ate my weight in carbs, but it was wonderful. i have decided that ML and i are kindred spirits...i swear, we are the same person, just born at a different time in a different place.
i went to sit at starbucks for a while, to read and unwind, and i miss home. coffee shops are always great, but there always feels like there is something off at a new one. the people, the memories, the history...i miss having that accessible anytime i want it, just by sitting down for a cup of coffee. i miss my family, and i wish they knew how much they meant to me, even though we are so different. i try to tell them every time i talk to them, but i feel like the meaning is lost in translation sometimes. next summer, i really think i need to go home. it can't come soon enough.
less than two months until The Glass Passenger and i'm stoked. i played in photoshop for a while and edited some pictures from April and I's glass passenger photoshoot at our hotel outside delphi. nothing extraordinary, but i like it.
i also downloaded a ton of brushsets and have been editing a ton of pictures from greece, warped, and other random stuff from the last six months, so look for that soon. scratch that, i'll put a couple of little one's i've screwed around with up now. just superimposing images, adding color and other elements to black and whites and just modifying colors. new stuff will be much more exciting, i promise.'
Last, but not least, before I left Austin I got a new piercing. Yes, that makes a round dozen - all of which are on my face or ears, thank you very much. I'm happy with what I have right now, but I'm sure I'll want something else soon. I got a snug/anti-helix...so it will be at least 6 months before it is healed, so nothing else until this...well no piercings at least. check it -
disconnected, separation of mind and actions, empty space filled with apathy. tunnel vision, no end in sight, fumbling blindly in the dark. pills to offset pills to offset impending disaster. mind numbing terror, hoping my world doesn't crash down again - one test could stand between me and my fate, between me and what the future holds. i am terrified of what i have faced, what i am becoming, if i can live through this last year one more time. inconspicuous symptoms, blinding fear, uncertainty around every corner. i try to hide behind this empty shell, behind my aspirations that crumble from their inception. why commit to another meaningless endeavor when i might have to break my heart and let it go again...to be able to live with myself, being forced to throw it all away hoping for a clean ending, not wanting to admit defeat to everyone around me - while i have been defeated all along.
crumbling facade, rotting from the inside out. good enough to the passerby, but the wary eye sees the imperfections lying below the surface. what does a sick person look like? can deadly cells and deadlier diseases be seen from the outside? or does the pain lie in the eyes seen only by those who care to look. where is the warning, or the sirens and cries for help? they don't count when no certainty exists.
judge, but don't feign understanding. you think time can heal all wounds, but it just allows the pain to lay dormant, unsuspecting until the next. shadows of a physical pain linger in every moment. all that is left of all this noise is a few scars worse for the wear. burning out, smokeless, not a flare on the horizon. can someone save a sinking ship, bound to keep taking on water with no warning...im afraid im bound to stick this out alone. i miss home, i miss the days when i was young and naive, i miss the painless dreams.
i hate the morbidity of this day to day routine. the days blend to nights then bleed into another day - suspended between life and sleep, unsure of which is harder to face. vacillating, never settled in my own skin - it no longer belongs to me, but to what has come to define me.
at work right now, listening to Lord T and Eloise...i love this shit, it's hilarious. I've missed quiddity and i'm glad to be back even though Memphis is lonely. i feel so unproductive lately, and i really feel like my life is lacking direction...i need something to revive this mundane life.
so, i'm going to try and update fairly ~frequently... let's see how long that lasts.
i mentioned warped in my last post, but here is a breakdown of the good and the bad
+ hang out with some bad ass people from IC
- listening to terrible music, particularly from the Kevin says so stage
- being set up next to the douche bag from animals for action tent in SA and Houston
- long days of driving
+ lots of CDs in the car...love it
- sweat, sweat, and more sweat
+ meeting Adam and some cool kids at 11:11 am
+ all the kids who would come up and tell us how much IC means to them and how they are trying to help/have helped the cause
+ getting kids excited about social justice
- not being a roadie in the fall
-/+ only being on warped tour three days...I'm not sure how i feel about it
+ finally seeing WTK and cobra...haha. cobra is such a guilty pleasure
+ dancing and singing at the top of my lungs with complete strangers
- storm in San Antonio
+ being surrounded by passionate people
- really bad sunburn
+ new music from The Glass Passenger
I'm sure there is more...but that is what comes to mind at the moment.
I finally finished reading Atlas Shrugged at the end of June and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. I started it before I left for Greece, but I ended up reading three other books before finishing it. The plot was interesting, don't get me wrong, but it was super dense and it took a lot of effort to get through all thousand something pages. I highly suggest it...just be prepared to devote a lot of time to it. I just finished High Fidelity, also fabulous.
I just started The Fountainhead yesterday, so that is my next big undertaking. Hopefully I will be able to get through it a lot quicker than my last Ayn Rand attempt.
I was glad to see some Millsaps people day before yesterday...I really would have missed more people than I thought. I'm glad that we all went to Sal and Mookie's...it really showed me why I fell in love with some people at Millsaps in the first place.
"It seems to be that if you place music (and books, probably, and films, and plays, and anything that makes you feel) at the center of your being, then you can't afford to sort out your love life, start to think of it as the finished product. You've got to pick at it, keep it alive and in turmoil, you've got to pick at it and unravel it until it all comes apart and you're compelled to start all over again. Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship." - Nick Hornby, High Fidelity.
I love flying. I have felt kind off all day, but at least I got some reading in. I finished High Fidelity, and it was wonderful. I bought it on a whim in Dallas and I loved it. The ending was kinda blah, but otherwise it was great.
I flew home to Austin on June 31st and just got back to Jackson today. I am pretty certain that this is the longest period of time, consequentially, that I have spent at home since I left for college...and I wasn't even home the whole time. I went to Dallas to donate blood for Music Saves Life and worked for Invisible Children all three Texas dates (Dallas, San Antonio, Houston...which works out to a little over 15 hours of travel back and forth from Austin) which was amazing. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life right now...and I thought that being a roadie and moving to San Diego and then going...who knows where...was what I needed, but I guess fate has something else in mind On the bright side, I will be at the Jack's/Paramore/Phantom Planet/Paper Route show in Memphis, working at the Elvis festival, and at ACL and Voodoo fest this fall.
I didn't think I would ever reach the point in my life where I thought I was one of those people who did not belong in school, but that is where I am. I don't know where I belong, or what I should be doing, or how to approach to. I try to drown out the world in music, philanthropy, books, movies...but I can't escape my own self-deprecating and self-loathing mentality at the end of the day. I feel inadequate no matter what I do, and fate seems to be dealing me a hand that I'm certain to fail with...or that's how I feel. I wish I could really believe with 100% certainty that this all happens for a reason, but I have my reservations about it all. Something heavy weighs down upon me landing in Jackson and I don't know how I am going to face Memphis either. I want to be in Austin, not doing a thing but just being. I feel like I am just fulfilling what society defines as the proper way to live my life and not doing what I want to...but can I even succeed doing what I want to do? Some days I feel like I don't know enough about music, or my tastes aren't up to par, or I won't be able to cut it. I wish there were some easy, definitive answer.
There is this boy. I don't know hardly anything about him, but I like him. I have no idea if he feels the same. I am insecure, and worry, and I don't know that I can even be myself around him. I saw him tonight and my heart skipped a beat...I feel like a teenager all over again. I don't know the first thing about him...what music he likes, what he dislikes, what he believes...I don't even his last name. I just have a feeling, and I like it. I wish I could articulate it, but it is the only thing that feels...positive...right now. I don't have anything to base that on, but it feels like something, and I hope I am not disappointed yet again. Maybe I am supposed to be in Jackson for a reason after all.
I'm slightly buzzed and I don't know what else to say right now...I'll probably write in the morning. Screw livejournal, hello new blog.
vs. 
