"It seems to be that if you place music (and books, probably, and films, and plays, and anything that makes you feel) at the center of your being, then you can't afford to sort out your love life, start to think of it as the finished product. You've got to pick at it, keep it alive and in turmoil, you've got to pick at it and unravel it until it all comes apart and you're compelled to start all over again. Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship." - Nick Hornby, High Fidelity.
I love flying. I have felt kind off all day, but at least I got some reading in. I finished High Fidelity, and it was wonderful. I bought it on a whim in Dallas and I loved it. The ending was kinda blah, but otherwise it was great.
I flew home to Austin on June 31st and just got back to Jackson today. I am pretty certain that this is the longest period of time, consequentially, that I have spent at home since I left for college...and I wasn't even home the whole time. I went to Dallas to donate blood for Music Saves Life and worked for Invisible Children all three Texas dates (Dallas, San Antonio, Houston...which works out to a little over 15 hours of travel back and forth from Austin) which was amazing. I don't feel like I have any direction in my life right now...and I thought that being a roadie and moving to San Diego and then going...who knows where...was what I needed, but I guess fate has something else in mind On the bright side, I will be at the Jack's/Paramore/Phantom Planet/Paper Route show in Memphis, working at the Elvis festival, and at ACL and Voodoo fest this fall.
I didn't think I would ever reach the point in my life where I thought I was one of those people who did not belong in school, but that is where I am. I don't know where I belong, or what I should be doing, or how to approach to. I try to drown out the world in music, philanthropy, books, movies...but I can't escape my own self-deprecating and self-loathing mentality at the end of the day. I feel inadequate no matter what I do, and fate seems to be dealing me a hand that I'm certain to fail with...or that's how I feel. I wish I could really believe with 100% certainty that this all happens for a reason, but I have my reservations about it all. Something heavy weighs down upon me landing in Jackson and I don't know how I am going to face Memphis either. I want to be in Austin, not doing a thing but just being. I feel like I am just fulfilling what society defines as the proper way to live my life and not doing what I want to...but can I even succeed doing what I want to do? Some days I feel like I don't know enough about music, or my tastes aren't up to par, or I won't be able to cut it. I wish there were some easy, definitive answer.
There is this boy. I don't know hardly anything about him, but I like him. I have no idea if he feels the same. I am insecure, and worry, and I don't know that I can even be myself around him. I saw him tonight and my heart skipped a beat...I feel like a teenager all over again. I don't know the first thing about him...what music he likes, what he dislikes, what he believes...I don't even his last name. I just have a feeling, and I like it. I wish I could articulate it, but it is the only thing that feels...positive...right now. I don't have anything to base that on, but it feels like something, and I hope I am not disappointed yet again. Maybe I am supposed to be in Jackson for a reason after all.
I'm slightly buzzed and I don't know what else to say right now...I'll probably write in the morning. Screw livejournal, hello new blog.
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