11 days - death cab for cutie, cold war kids, ra ra riot
23 days - mae, personL, barcelona, tokyo
31 days - all-american rejects, jack's mannequin, ben harper
memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror
decisions to decisions are made and not bought and i thought this wouldn't hurt a lot i guess not. a giant, live mgmt dance party in the parking lot behind urban outfitters? yes please. i wish i had been at south by soooo bad. i have to go, every year, from now until the end of time...end of story.
flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes
on a random note, whoever told hipsters that having trash-staches and porn star facial hair was cute and cool, you should take it back.
tell me what you thought about
so, i have posted this video or lyrics from this song at least two or three times...but i still can't get over it. you have to watch this particular performance though...it is so perfect. kenneth vasoli, will you marry me?
traded my skin for cheap sex and tattoos
shaking in my sleep with me broken and bruised, do do do-do
so, this providence has a new album out...and i still haven't listened to it, even though i have it. that is really saying something, considering this used to be my favorite band, end of story. now, they are just horribly, manufactured fueled by ramen pop, that i can barely stand. this video is awful, and i really miss the old this providence. back when they still have (at least some of) the original members...when their music was interesting, dynamic, complex. now it is simple, cheesy radio pop with horribly cliche high school-setting videos. dan, you are married and old - you were way past this high school stuff when you put out your first full-length...three releases ago. come on now. ironically, this song is titled 'letdown.' at least that much is accurate.
----
this is the this providence i love, and miss.
if you'd just trust in me
you know i trust you
we'll do all the things that you've dreamed to do
if you'd just let go
if you'd let your heart go
take me past the color of your eyes
take me from the past of all my mistakes to where the future lies
i know that my moods were changing like the weather
do you ever dream of us together?
now i just want to show you who i am
holding on to dreams we collide
we had our futures
our reasons
our fingers on the trigger
when we base our joy on the things that we see
we lose the trust in it all and the faith we believe
if you'd just trust in me
you know i trust you
we'll do all the things that you've dreamed to do
if you'd just let go
if you'd let your heart go
remember when i used to be your everything?
now i'm nothing at all
trust me i've tried to let you go
but i can't move on
i can't move on
what i do now will affect what comes next
and this life that i lead will be everything you need
ipray to be all that you dream
and i'll die trying to be
you know i trust you
we'll do all the things that you've dreamed to do
if you'd just let go
if you'd let your heart go
take me past the color of your eyes
take me from the past of all my mistakes to where the future lies
i know that my moods were changing like the weather
do you ever dream of us together?
now i just want to show you who i am
holding on to dreams we collide
we had our futures
our reasons
our fingers on the trigger
when we base our joy on the things that we see
we lose the trust in it all and the faith we believe
if you'd just trust in me
you know i trust you
we'll do all the things that you've dreamed to do
if you'd just let go
if you'd let your heart go
remember when i used to be your everything?
now i'm nothing at all
trust me i've tried to let you go
but i can't move on
i can't move on
what i do now will affect what comes next
and this life that i lead will be everything you need
ipray to be all that you dream
and i'll die trying to be
a beginning
so, i have to start writing this before my memory fades. when i get too caught up in a moment, i have a hard time recording it. this blog was meant for me to catalog and admit my faults, my feats, my successes...but if i skim over the high and low points, i am not really succeeding.
i tried to start 2009 off better than 2008. there were way too many horrible things weighing on my chest that i really had to step away. writing them down is very cathartic, or at least trying to come to terms with them. i realized that the greatest fault was my own, and that letting this anxiety build was only compounding itself further and further.
right now, my life lacks continuity. i'm too afraid, or too disinterested, to really follow through with anything. i have options, i always do...but i don't feel like my life affords me the same opportunities. it is speckled with all of these strange, absurd, surreal experiences, but nothing that really makes it cohesive. it is this lack of continuity...this absence of cohesiveness...that really causes me to sink further. i want something to hold it together - im too scattered to ever do it myself - and i want a companion or a purpose to push me from one moment into the next. thats all i need...a companion. there are all these arcane, useless expectations on relationships and i really don't want or need any of them. all i want is someone i am interested in, who is equally interested in me - not more or less so- who can be there by my side. that can experience things with me and understand the beauty i see in certain moments, whether or not they find them to be as beautiful.
this understanding of transience is so important to me...and i know there are other people out there who agree - i have met them. now all i need is for one of them to be on a journey (which they tend to be on, which i consider myself to be on) that can coincide with my own, or one that wont lead them away from me. ive tried to establish a relationship with people i wasnt invested in...and it just doesnt work. it is so ironic that nick just called me in the middle of typing this out...your intentions are great, but i just don't like you the same way you like me. i can't like you that way...you could never fill this role for me. tom, on the other hand, would be a perfect companion, but he is somewhere near tulum today, and who knows where he will be tomorrow, a week, a month, a year. it is great that he doesnt have to worry about that kind of thing, and i wish i had that kind of carelessness....but i don't. i need some kind of underlying structure to my madness, or else it all falls apart in vain.
i was walking back from lunch and i ran into phoebe. we talked about mgmt, bonnaroo, memphis in may, the avett brothers at sxsw...the typical musical common ground we share. it is so silly (and now this sounds vain for me to relay what she said...but it is important to the story) but she said that she was "jealous of me" and that i had such a "cool life." far from it. my response is always something like "i wouldn't wish my life on anyone..." but people don't understand. yes, i saw the avett brothers...but i stood alone by myself, waiting for their set...building up the nerve to even get out of bed and face the day myself. yes, i talk to andrew. but that doesn't mean he can ever be a shoulder for me to cry on. yes, i am going to bonnaroo with my best friend, but that means that i will have to spend countless nights at work, anxious as hell about how customers and my coworkers will view me. yes, i know of people who work at memphis in may and who organize it...but no, that doesn't mean that i would ever want to be in their shoes or even want to talk to them right now, or establish those connections.
these stories or great, but they don't replace the fact that i live an empty life, mostly alone, horribly miserable. just because i enjoy these things for a moment or people envy the experience...that doesn't make it worthwhile. all i want is to not be alone, or to have someone to share this with. to sit on my bed next to me and watch tv with me while we read. someone that can span the distance between who i am and who i want to be...and be there with me. not permanently, not long term...but someone to be that for me.
it is storming outside now. all i want is to be in the arms of someone else at a moment like this.
i tried to start 2009 off better than 2008. there were way too many horrible things weighing on my chest that i really had to step away. writing them down is very cathartic, or at least trying to come to terms with them. i realized that the greatest fault was my own, and that letting this anxiety build was only compounding itself further and further.
right now, my life lacks continuity. i'm too afraid, or too disinterested, to really follow through with anything. i have options, i always do...but i don't feel like my life affords me the same opportunities. it is speckled with all of these strange, absurd, surreal experiences, but nothing that really makes it cohesive. it is this lack of continuity...this absence of cohesiveness...that really causes me to sink further. i want something to hold it together - im too scattered to ever do it myself - and i want a companion or a purpose to push me from one moment into the next. thats all i need...a companion. there are all these arcane, useless expectations on relationships and i really don't want or need any of them. all i want is someone i am interested in, who is equally interested in me - not more or less so- who can be there by my side. that can experience things with me and understand the beauty i see in certain moments, whether or not they find them to be as beautiful.
this understanding of transience is so important to me...and i know there are other people out there who agree - i have met them. now all i need is for one of them to be on a journey (which they tend to be on, which i consider myself to be on) that can coincide with my own, or one that wont lead them away from me. ive tried to establish a relationship with people i wasnt invested in...and it just doesnt work. it is so ironic that nick just called me in the middle of typing this out...your intentions are great, but i just don't like you the same way you like me. i can't like you that way...you could never fill this role for me. tom, on the other hand, would be a perfect companion, but he is somewhere near tulum today, and who knows where he will be tomorrow, a week, a month, a year. it is great that he doesnt have to worry about that kind of thing, and i wish i had that kind of carelessness....but i don't. i need some kind of underlying structure to my madness, or else it all falls apart in vain.
i was walking back from lunch and i ran into phoebe. we talked about mgmt, bonnaroo, memphis in may, the avett brothers at sxsw...the typical musical common ground we share. it is so silly (and now this sounds vain for me to relay what she said...but it is important to the story) but she said that she was "jealous of me" and that i had such a "cool life." far from it. my response is always something like "i wouldn't wish my life on anyone..." but people don't understand. yes, i saw the avett brothers...but i stood alone by myself, waiting for their set...building up the nerve to even get out of bed and face the day myself. yes, i talk to andrew. but that doesn't mean he can ever be a shoulder for me to cry on. yes, i am going to bonnaroo with my best friend, but that means that i will have to spend countless nights at work, anxious as hell about how customers and my coworkers will view me. yes, i know of people who work at memphis in may and who organize it...but no, that doesn't mean that i would ever want to be in their shoes or even want to talk to them right now, or establish those connections.
these stories or great, but they don't replace the fact that i live an empty life, mostly alone, horribly miserable. just because i enjoy these things for a moment or people envy the experience...that doesn't make it worthwhile. all i want is to not be alone, or to have someone to share this with. to sit on my bed next to me and watch tv with me while we read. someone that can span the distance between who i am and who i want to be...and be there with me. not permanently, not long term...but someone to be that for me.
---
it is storming outside now. all i want is to be in the arms of someone else at a moment like this.
---
updates on south by southwest, coming soon.
shake it out, shake it out
these videos are so beautiful, i love them. manchester orchestra is going to a whole other level for this next album, and i cannot wait.
are you the living ghost of what i need?...i guess we'll see.
are you tired of being alone, are you tired of being alone?
. . .i've never seen a thing so complete
i am the living ghost of what you need
i am everything eternally
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there is just the right amount of distraction
before i get too involved with my south by southwest updates, i typed up selections from this book i just finished, which was great. i highly recommend every one reading it...these selections don't even do it justice. the first section are from the compiling editor's introduction, taken from c.s. lewis himself, and the rest are from the selections of other of lewis' works.
---
'little by little,' he wrote, 'she loosened the whole framwork, blunted all the sharp edges, of my belief. . .the whole thing became a matter of speculation: i was soon altering 'i believe' to 'one does feel'
'i believe in no religion. there is absolutely no proof for any of them, and from a philosophical standpoint Christianity is not even the best. all religions, that is, all mythologies to give them their proper name, are merely man's own invention'
he described god as 'a phantom called the good.'
'all that are in hell, choose it. without that self-choice there could be no hell. no soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. those who seek find. to those who knock it is opened.'
by 1963, lewis had won the respect of the entire christian family - whether catholics or protestants - by his adherence to the 'enormous common ground' of essential christian beliefs, and by his refusal to involve himself in the sectarian squabbles which characterize so much of christian writing.
'i believe in no religion. there is absolutely no proof for any of them, and from a philosophical standpoint Christianity is not even the best. all religions, that is, all mythologies to give them their proper name, are merely man's own invention'
he described god as 'a phantom called the good.'
'all that are in hell, choose it. without that self-choice there could be no hell. no soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. those who seek find. to those who knock it is opened.'
by 1963, lewis had won the respect of the entire christian family - whether catholics or protestants - by his adherence to the 'enormous common ground' of essential christian beliefs, and by his refusal to involve himself in the sectarian squabbles which characterize so much of christian writing.
----
[aslan] didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. it just said it.
either we give up trying to be good, or else we become very unhappy indeed. for, make no mistake: if you are really going to try to meet all the demands made on the natural self, it will not have enough left over to live on. the more you obey your conscience, the more your conscience will demand of you. and your natural self, which is thus being starved and hampered and worried at every turn, will get angrier and angrier. in the end, you will either give up trying to be good, or else become one of those people who, as they say, ' live for others' but always in a discontented, grumbling way
to the materialist things like nations, classes, civilizations must be more important than individuals, because the individuals live only seventy odd years each and teh group may last for centuries. but to the christian, individuals are more important, for they live eternally; and races, civilizations and the like, are in comparison the creatures of a day.
we all know there have been good men who were not christians; men like socrates and confucius who had never even heard of it
mere morality is not the end of life.
we are to be re-made. all the rabbit in us is to disappear - the worried, conscientious, ethical rabbit as well as the cowardly and sensual rabbit. we shall bleed and squeal as the handfuls of fur come out; and then, surprisingly, we shall find underneath it all a thing we have neer yet imagined: a real man, an ageless god, a son of god, strong, radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy.
but i wonder whether people who ask god to interfere openly and directly in our world quite realize what it will be like when he does. when that happens, it is the end of the world. when the author walks on to the stage the play is over. god is going to invade, all right: but what is the god of saying you areon his side then, when you see the whole natural universe melting away like a dream and something else - something it never entered your head to conceive - comes crashing in; something so beautiful to some of us and so terrible to others that none of us will have any choice left?
god could, had he pleased, have been incarnate in a man of iron nerves, the stoic sort who lets no sign escape him. of his great humility he chose to be incarnate in a man of delicate sensibilities, who wept at the grave of lazarus and sweated blood in gethsemane. otherwise we should have missed the gret lesson that it is by his will alone that a man is good or bad, and that feelings are not, in themselves, of any importance. we should also have missed the all-important help of knowing that he has faced all that the weakest of us face, has shared not only the strength of our nature but every weakness of it except sin. if he had been incarnate in a man of immense natural courage, that would have been for many of us almost the same as his not being incarnate at all.
you have free will, and if you choose, you can push me away. but if you do not push me away, understand that i am going to see this job through.
we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased.
by this method thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools.
the enemy wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favor that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor's talents - or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. . .
it is frustrating to have discovered a new author and not be able to tell anyone how good he is; to come suddenly, at the turn of the road, upon some mountain valley of unexpected grandeur and then to have to keep silent because the people with you care for it no more than for a tin can in the ditch; to hear a good joke and find no one to share it with (the perfect hearer died a year ago). this is so even when our expressions are inadequate, as of course they usually are.
there are two points i wanted to make. first, that human beings, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. secondly, that they do not in fact behave in that way. they know the law of nature: they break it. these two facts are the foundation of all clear thinking about ourselves and the universe we live in.
a young man meets a girl. . .her voice reminds him of something he has been trying to remember all his life.
we must, on pain of idiocy, deny from the very outset the idea that looking at is, by its own nature, intrinsically truer and beter than looking along. one must look both along and at everything.
(note: i love that he writes things that are titled such as 'meditation in a toolshed')
and in prayer this real i struggle to speak, for once from his real being, and to address, for once not th eother actors, but - what shall i call him? the author, for he invented us all? the producer, for he controls all? or the audience, for he watches, and will judge the performance?
you also have the fatal flaw in your character. all the hopes and plans of others have again and again shipwrecked on your character just as your hopes and plans have shipwrecked on theirs.
you also have a fatal flaw in your character. all the hopes and plans of others have again and again shipwrecked on our character just as your hopes and plans have shipwrecked on theirs.
abstain from all thinking about other people's faults, unless your duties as a teacher or parents make it necessary to think about them. . . and think of one's own faults instead.
there is something about the mere words, you known, provided you avoid two dangers, either of sensational exaggeration- trying to work things up and make melodramatic sins out of small matters - or of the opposite danger of slurring things over. it is essential to use the plain, simple, old-fashioned words that you would use about anyone else.
in solitude, and also in confession, i have found (to my regret) that the degrees of shame and disgust which i actually feel at my own sins do not at all correspond to what my reason tells me about their comparative gravity. just as the degree to which, in daily life, i feel the emotion of fear has very little to do with the rational judgment of the danger. i'd sooner have really nasty seas when i'm in an open boat than look down in perfect (actual) safety from the edge of a cliff. similarly, i have confessed ghastly uncharities with less reluctance than small unmentionables - or those sins which happen to be ungentlemanly as well as un-christian. our emotional reactions to our own behavior are of limited ethical significance.
but why now? because god is forching im on, or up, to a higher level : putting him into situations where he will hae to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. it seems to us all unneccessary: b ut that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing he means to make of us.
the explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of. . . you thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building a palace. he intends to come and live in it himself.
we are always harking back to some occasion which seemed to us to reach perfection, setting that up as a norm, and depreciating all other occasions by comparison. god shows us a new facet of the glory, and we refuse to look at it because we're still looking for the old one.
and the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erec them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories.
pain insists on being attened to. god whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. . .
and therefore he troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have to discover.
i think earth, if chosen instead of heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region of hell: and earth, if put second to heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself.
our whole education tends to fix our minds on this world
god knows our situation; he will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. what matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them.
whenever we do good to another self, just because it is a self, made (like us) by god, and desiring its own happiiness as we desire ours, we shall have learned to love it a little more or, at least, to dislike it less.
'error of stoicism': thining we can always do what we can do sometimes. . . for me words are. . . secondary. they are only an anchor. or, shall i say, they are the movements of a conductor's baton: not the music.
good fortune, health, popularity and all the things one wants to have. all thes ethings tend- just as money tends - to make you feel independent of god, because if you have them you are happy already and contented in this life. you don't want to turn away to anything more, and so you try to rest in a shadowy happiness as if it could last for ever.
the people who try to hold an optimistic view of this world would become pessimists: the people who hold a pretty stern view of it become optimistic.
i sometimes pray not for self-knowledge in general but for just so much self-knowledge at the moment as i can bear and use at the moment; the little daily dose.
as gin is not only a drink in istelf but also a base for many mixed drinks, so affection, besides being a love istelf, can enter into the other loves and color them all through and become the medium in which from day to day they operate.
it is when two such persons discover one another,when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that friendship is born. and instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.
emerson said, do you love me? means do you see the same truth? or at least, do you care about the same truth?. the man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance, can be our friend. he need not agree with us about the answer.
the gnat-like cloud of petty anxieties and decisions about the conduct of the next hour have interfered with my prayers more often than any passion or appetite whatever.
it is a useful, sturdy, lazy, obstinate, patient, lovable, and infuriating beast; deserving now the stick and now a carrot; both pathetically and absurdly beautiful. so the body.
'if any man come to me and hate not his father and mother and wife. . .and his won life also, he cannot be my disciple' (luke 14:26)
i believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to god's will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness.
a moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right. . . good people know about both good and evil: bad people do not know about either.
no amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. we shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. but the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. the only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. it is when we notice the dirt that god is most present in us : it is the very sign of his presence.
women sometimes have the problem of trying to judge by artificial light how a dress will look by daylight. that is very like the problem of all of us: to dress our souls not for the electric lights of the present world but for the daylight of the next. the good dress is the one that will face that light. for that light will last longer.
even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring tuppence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.
look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. but look for christ and you will find him, and with him everything else thrown in.
our natural experiences (sensory, emotional, imaginative) are only like the drawing, like penciled lines on flat paper. . .in reality it lacks lines because it is incomparably more visible.
either we give up trying to be good, or else we become very unhappy indeed. for, make no mistake: if you are really going to try to meet all the demands made on the natural self, it will not have enough left over to live on. the more you obey your conscience, the more your conscience will demand of you. and your natural self, which is thus being starved and hampered and worried at every turn, will get angrier and angrier. in the end, you will either give up trying to be good, or else become one of those people who, as they say, ' live for others' but always in a discontented, grumbling way
to the materialist things like nations, classes, civilizations must be more important than individuals, because the individuals live only seventy odd years each and teh group may last for centuries. but to the christian, individuals are more important, for they live eternally; and races, civilizations and the like, are in comparison the creatures of a day.
we all know there have been good men who were not christians; men like socrates and confucius who had never even heard of it
mere morality is not the end of life.
we are to be re-made. all the rabbit in us is to disappear - the worried, conscientious, ethical rabbit as well as the cowardly and sensual rabbit. we shall bleed and squeal as the handfuls of fur come out; and then, surprisingly, we shall find underneath it all a thing we have neer yet imagined: a real man, an ageless god, a son of god, strong, radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy.
but i wonder whether people who ask god to interfere openly and directly in our world quite realize what it will be like when he does. when that happens, it is the end of the world. when the author walks on to the stage the play is over. god is going to invade, all right: but what is the god of saying you areon his side then, when you see the whole natural universe melting away like a dream and something else - something it never entered your head to conceive - comes crashing in; something so beautiful to some of us and so terrible to others that none of us will have any choice left?
god could, had he pleased, have been incarnate in a man of iron nerves, the stoic sort who lets no sign escape him. of his great humility he chose to be incarnate in a man of delicate sensibilities, who wept at the grave of lazarus and sweated blood in gethsemane. otherwise we should have missed the gret lesson that it is by his will alone that a man is good or bad, and that feelings are not, in themselves, of any importance. we should also have missed the all-important help of knowing that he has faced all that the weakest of us face, has shared not only the strength of our nature but every weakness of it except sin. if he had been incarnate in a man of immense natural courage, that would have been for many of us almost the same as his not being incarnate at all.
you have free will, and if you choose, you can push me away. but if you do not push me away, understand that i am going to see this job through.
we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased.
by this method thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools.
the enemy wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favor that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor's talents - or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. . .
it is frustrating to have discovered a new author and not be able to tell anyone how good he is; to come suddenly, at the turn of the road, upon some mountain valley of unexpected grandeur and then to have to keep silent because the people with you care for it no more than for a tin can in the ditch; to hear a good joke and find no one to share it with (the perfect hearer died a year ago). this is so even when our expressions are inadequate, as of course they usually are.
there are two points i wanted to make. first, that human beings, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. secondly, that they do not in fact behave in that way. they know the law of nature: they break it. these two facts are the foundation of all clear thinking about ourselves and the universe we live in.
a young man meets a girl. . .her voice reminds him of something he has been trying to remember all his life.
we must, on pain of idiocy, deny from the very outset the idea that looking at is, by its own nature, intrinsically truer and beter than looking along. one must look both along and at everything.
(note: i love that he writes things that are titled such as 'meditation in a toolshed')
and in prayer this real i struggle to speak, for once from his real being, and to address, for once not th eother actors, but - what shall i call him? the author, for he invented us all? the producer, for he controls all? or the audience, for he watches, and will judge the performance?
you also have the fatal flaw in your character. all the hopes and plans of others have again and again shipwrecked on your character just as your hopes and plans have shipwrecked on theirs.
you also have a fatal flaw in your character. all the hopes and plans of others have again and again shipwrecked on our character just as your hopes and plans have shipwrecked on theirs.
abstain from all thinking about other people's faults, unless your duties as a teacher or parents make it necessary to think about them. . . and think of one's own faults instead.
there is something about the mere words, you known, provided you avoid two dangers, either of sensational exaggeration- trying to work things up and make melodramatic sins out of small matters - or of the opposite danger of slurring things over. it is essential to use the plain, simple, old-fashioned words that you would use about anyone else.
in solitude, and also in confession, i have found (to my regret) that the degrees of shame and disgust which i actually feel at my own sins do not at all correspond to what my reason tells me about their comparative gravity. just as the degree to which, in daily life, i feel the emotion of fear has very little to do with the rational judgment of the danger. i'd sooner have really nasty seas when i'm in an open boat than look down in perfect (actual) safety from the edge of a cliff. similarly, i have confessed ghastly uncharities with less reluctance than small unmentionables - or those sins which happen to be ungentlemanly as well as un-christian. our emotional reactions to our own behavior are of limited ethical significance.
but why now? because god is forching im on, or up, to a higher level : putting him into situations where he will hae to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. it seems to us all unneccessary: b ut that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing he means to make of us.
the explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of. . . you thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building a palace. he intends to come and live in it himself.
we are always harking back to some occasion which seemed to us to reach perfection, setting that up as a norm, and depreciating all other occasions by comparison. god shows us a new facet of the glory, and we refuse to look at it because we're still looking for the old one.
and the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erec them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories.
pain insists on being attened to. god whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. . .
and therefore he troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have to discover.
i think earth, if chosen instead of heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region of hell: and earth, if put second to heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself.
our whole education tends to fix our minds on this world
god knows our situation; he will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. what matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them.
whenever we do good to another self, just because it is a self, made (like us) by god, and desiring its own happiiness as we desire ours, we shall have learned to love it a little more or, at least, to dislike it less.
'error of stoicism': thining we can always do what we can do sometimes. . . for me words are. . . secondary. they are only an anchor. or, shall i say, they are the movements of a conductor's baton: not the music.
good fortune, health, popularity and all the things one wants to have. all thes ethings tend- just as money tends - to make you feel independent of god, because if you have them you are happy already and contented in this life. you don't want to turn away to anything more, and so you try to rest in a shadowy happiness as if it could last for ever.
the people who try to hold an optimistic view of this world would become pessimists: the people who hold a pretty stern view of it become optimistic.
i sometimes pray not for self-knowledge in general but for just so much self-knowledge at the moment as i can bear and use at the moment; the little daily dose.
as gin is not only a drink in istelf but also a base for many mixed drinks, so affection, besides being a love istelf, can enter into the other loves and color them all through and become the medium in which from day to day they operate.
it is when two such persons discover one another,when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that friendship is born. and instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.
emerson said, do you love me? means do you see the same truth? or at least, do you care about the same truth?. the man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance, can be our friend. he need not agree with us about the answer.
the gnat-like cloud of petty anxieties and decisions about the conduct of the next hour have interfered with my prayers more often than any passion or appetite whatever.
it is a useful, sturdy, lazy, obstinate, patient, lovable, and infuriating beast; deserving now the stick and now a carrot; both pathetically and absurdly beautiful. so the body.
'if any man come to me and hate not his father and mother and wife. . .and his won life also, he cannot be my disciple' (luke 14:26)
i believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to god's will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness.
a moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right. . . good people know about both good and evil: bad people do not know about either.
no amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. we shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. but the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. the only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. it is when we notice the dirt that god is most present in us : it is the very sign of his presence.
women sometimes have the problem of trying to judge by artificial light how a dress will look by daylight. that is very like the problem of all of us: to dress our souls not for the electric lights of the present world but for the daylight of the next. the good dress is the one that will face that light. for that light will last longer.
even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring tuppence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.
look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. but look for christ and you will find him, and with him everything else thrown in.
our natural experiences (sensory, emotional, imaginative) are only like the drawing, like penciled lines on flat paper. . .in reality it lacks lines because it is incomparably more visible.
----
tomorrow, today, what have you.
so excited, but overwhelmed. kind of at a loss. i think i'm just going to wing it, more or less. it is impossible to plan this down to the details.
on nature
this looks so. cool. i wish i were able to get shots like this (at least at some point in my life). unbelievably beautiful.
but if it was you, i dont think that it would matter
i finally knew that i simply couldnt matter
you finally knew that you simply couldnt matter
i guess that its true that you never knew the passive power of the truth,
so cut me lose
if i could write another phrase
i would be better off this way
but theres no use, theres no use
you finally knew that you simply couldnt matter
i guess that its true that you never knew the passive power of the truth,
so cut me lose
if i could write another phrase
i would be better off this way
but theres no use, theres no use
Manchester Orchestra - The Only One
on listing
i realized the other day that i have done some pretty absurd things in my life. then, yesterday, i went to get my monroe re-pierced, came back, and sam pointed out to me that it has been almost a year to the date since i got it done the first time. seeing as how things have come full circle, i decided to (start to) list some of the ridiculous things that have happened in my life in roughly the past twelve months.
- got two new piercings (three if you count the monroe twice...which i think you should)
- lived in three states (mississippi, tennessee, texas)
- ran a music festival (jubilee jam)
- had over nine hours of tattoo work done
- worked for two production companies
- became friends with a singer of a band on the radio, that a lot of my friends listen too (justin)
- started talking to the drummer of another fairly well-known band (only to learn he was an asshole)
- put on a $50,000 concert by myself
- became BFFF (best fucking friends forever) with my idol
- beat cancer (twice)
- drove over 2,000 miles in five days
- partied like a rock star in dallas
- worked for invisible children on warped tour for three days
- went to greece
- went to st. louis, on a whim
- had my first mardi gras in new orleans
- went to way too many shows to count (at least fifty....at least)
- fell in love
- had a photograph published
- read part of the first harry potter book in greek
- read at least 40 books on my own (outside of school)
- started writing (and became pretty prolific for a while)
- read narnia at least three times
- went to a sing-along showing of labyrinth
- watched all of the seasons of weeds, supernatural, and bones....all of them.
- bought my first record player
- went to austin city limits for the first time
- worked for two different production companies
- learned photoshop
- finally became close with sam, who will be my best friend for life, without a doubt
- ingested an inhuman amount of caffeine, as per usual.
- became really close with complete strangers, and i wouldn't have it any other way
next week
Wednesday, March 18th | ||
| TBA | Aqualung at Latitude 30 | |
| 03:00 PM | Canadian Blast BBQ at East Tent | |
| 05:00 PM | British Music at SXSW Launch Party at British Music Embassy at Latitude 30 | |
| 09:30 PM | Zolof the Rock & Roll Destroyer at Maggie Mae's | |
| 10:00 PM | The Temper Trap at Dirty Dog Bar | |
| 10:00 PM | Winter Gloves at Habana Calle 6 Patio | |
| 11:00 PM | Kevin Devine & the Goddamn Band at Radio Room Patio | |
| 11:00 PM | The Avett Brothers at Stubb's | |
| 11:30 PM | Juliette & The New Romantiques at Emo's Main Room | |
| 12:00 AM | An Horse at Maggie Mae's Rooftop | |
| 12:00 AM | Annuals at Radio Room Patio | |
| 12:00 AM | Magic Magic at Spiro's | |
| 12:00 AM | Maserati at Soho Lounge | |
| 12:00 AM | The Decemberists at Stubb's | |
| 12:00 AM | Woodhands at Habana Calle 6 Patio | |
| 12:30 AM | Echo and The Bunnymen at Emo's Main Room | |
| 01:00 AM | Dear and the Headlights at Spiro's | |
| 01:00 AM | Manchester Orchestra at Radio Room Patio | |
| 01:00 AM | Natalie Portman's Shaved Head at Dirty Dog Bar | |
| 01:00 AM | The Bronx at Red 7 Patio | |
| 01:00 AM | These Arms Are Snakes at Red Eyed Fly | |
| 01:00 AM | This Will Destroy You at Soho Lounge | |
Thursday, March 19th | ||
| TBA | Erin McCarley at La Zona Rosa | |
| 11:00 AM | Indie Labels Keep the Faith at 19A | |
| 12:00 PM | Gibson at Maggie Mae’s Gibson Room | |
| 02:00 PM | Kerrang! Magazine at The Wave | |
| 08:00 PM | 3oh!3 at Stubb's | |
| 08:15 PM | Al Kapone at Dirty Dog Bar | |
| 09:00 PM | Jenn Grant at The Velveeta Room | |
| 09:00 PM | Meat Puppets at Stubb's | |
| 09:30 PM | Sam Roberts Band at Cedar Street Courtyard | |
| 10:00 PM | Aqualung at Elysium | |
| 10:00 PM | As Tall As Lions at Cedar Door | |
| 10:00 PM | Sebastien Grainger at El Sol y La Luna | |
| 11:00 PM | Andrew Bird at Stubb's | |
| 11:15 PM | Matt & Kim at Opal Divine's Freehouse | |
| 12:00 AM | Abe Vigoda at Red 7 | |
| 12:00 AM | He Is Legend at Spiro's Amphitheater | |
| 12:00 AM | Little Boots at Emo's Annex | |
| 12:00 AM | LMFAO at Pangaea | |
| 12:00 AM | Lucero at Dirty Dog Bar | |
| 12:00 AM | Paper Route at Maggie Mae's Gibson Room | |
| 12:30 AM | Ben Harper & RELENTLESS7 at Stubb's | |
| 01:00 AM | Harlem Shakes at Red 7 Patio | |
| 01:00 AM | Mika Miko at Red 7 | |
| 01:00 AM | Peter Bjorn and John at Emo's Main Room | |
| 01:00 AM | Shwayze at Pangaea | |
| 01:00 AM | The Temper Trap at Latitude 30 | |
Friday, March 20th | ||
| TBA | Barcelona at Rusty Spurs | |
| TBA | Eric Hutchinson at The Ale House | |
| TBA | White Denim at Radio Room Patio | |
| 11:30 AM | Sonicbids at Maggie Mae’s Rooftop | |
| 12:00 PM | Aussie BBQ at East Tent | |
| 12:00 PM | SXSW Underage Party at Momo’s | |
| 08:00 PM | Lights at Buffalo Billiards | |
| 09:00 PM | As Tall As Lions at Buffalo Billiards | |
| 09:20 PM | Dance Gavin Dance at Cedar Door | |
| 09:30 PM | Camera Obscura at La Zona Rosa | |
| 09:45 PM | Bedouin Soundclash at Cedar Street Courtyard | |
| 10:00 PM | Princeton at Maggie Mae's | |
| 10:00 PM | You Me At Six at Latitude 30 | |
| 10:30 PM | Erin McCarley at The Ale House | |
| 11:00 PM | A Day To Remember at Cedar Door | |
| 11:00 PM | The Airborne Toxic Event at Aces Lounge | |
| 11:00 PM | The Matches at Wave Rooftop | |
| 11:30 PM | The Pink Spiders at Red 7 Patio | |
| 12:00 AM | DEVO at Austin Music Hall | |
| 12:00 AM | SXSeattle at Palm Door | |
| 12:00 AM | The Hold Steady at Mohawk Patio | |
| 12:10 AM | Lord T and Eloise at Prague | |
| 01:00 AM | Black Lips at Emo's Main Room | |
| 01:00 AM | Cursive at Radio Room | |
| 01:00 AM | Okkervil River at The Parish | |
| 01:00 AM | Pelican at Emo's Annex | |
Saturday, March 21st | ||
| 08:00 PM | Josh Pyke at Stephen F's Bar | |
| 09:00 PM | The Botticellis at Radio Room | |
| 10:00 PM | Asher Roth at Vice | |
| 10:00 PM | Enter Shikari at Emo's Annex | |
| 10:00 PM | Immaculate Machine at Habana Calle 6 | |
| 11:00 PM | The Duke Spirit at Antone's | |
| 11:00 PM | The Mae Shi at Mohawk Patio | |
| 11:20 PM | The Crystal Method at La Zona Rosa | |
| 12:00 AM | Ponytail at Club de Ville | |
| 12:00 AM | Silversun Pickups at Antone's | |
| 12:00 AM | Youth Group at Maggie Mae's | |
| 12:30 AM | PEDESTRIAN at The Ale House | |
| 01:00 AM | Juliette & The New Romantiques at Dirty Dog Bar | |
| 01:00 AM | Monotonix at Mohawk Patio | |
| 01:00 AM | MSTRKRFT at Radio Room Patio | |
| 01:00 AM | Ra Ra Riot at The Parish | |
| 01:00 AM | Your Vegas at Maggie Mae's | |
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