it started feeling like october

. . .i got stranded on the road. you know where to find me, any time you want me.

so my blog has officially reached 1,050 views. there have been 137 different people that have come to read this, and 70 of those have come back at least once. do that many people really care what i have to say? as soon as i catch up, i will update every day. it is october, the beginning of a new month, the decisive end to the summer in my mind. it is time to have better habits. the least i can do is write every day.

---

tuesday.

i had work from 10:30 to 5. i actually got up at 7, dyed my hair, read, went and got breakfast at chick-fil-a, and then went to work. tips were really good, and for some reason these two tables of guys were really into me. one guy kept staring at me and didn't believe me when i said my eyes were naturally this color. i hate when people stare...i always feel like something is wrong with me.

I'm thinking about my friends And what they say when I'm not there Do they talk about me like there's something I can't see? I don't care.

my hair turned out straight brunette. it was supposed to be bright red, fire engine red, but it turned out brown. at first, i thought it was dark just because it was still wet...but i was wrong. fortunately, over the last week it has faded and become more red. i think i can thank acl for that :) it was still red when the light hit it, but now it is more red all the time - just how i like it. no more blonde/strawberry blonde though. it is fall, and something less summer friendly is called for in my opinion.

got off work and went to get coffee with kevin. this is the color of my hair that day. i am actually glad that i go to the randalls starbucks so much, the actual starbucks across the street is infested with little scene kids from the middle school and high school. is that smile...? almost? i can't believe it.

went back to my house, had dinner, and took a nap. then i waited for kevin to call me and for jessica to get off work. met up with kevin and wes at randalls, and then we headed down to kasbah. jessica met up with us later. wes was really cool, it was my first time meeting him. kevin and i ended up fighting over something stupid...i was being jealous. i don't know that i will ever be able to trust him. but somehow, despite my blatant honesty and forthcoming manner, he is the one with the bigger trust issues. kasbah was fun as hell though. i'm really glad jessica finally came out. got kyle's number so that we can hopefully meet up for ACL, and i finally feel like i'm not just in kevin's shadow around his friends - i can actually hold my own. i can't believe i can actually be social from time to time. this night ended the exact opposite of what i was expecting though. the drive back to cedar park was probably one of the most tense rides i have had in a very long time.

----

wednesday

really struggled with jealously today. i know i'm nothing special, i'm just another conquest, i could be any other girl. i don't want that to be true though. . .so i get defensive. went to work at 4, closed, and it was pretty slow. kevin came by to say hey, but left so i could finish cleaning. i wanted to go down to kasbah, but he was only going down there to do homework, so i just went home. i watched fringe and house with my mom and worked on editing photos.

person L at stubbs jr
good old war at stubbs jr


ratatat at stubbs outdoors

i still need to scan all my film from greece and memphis. . .the fax machine and scanner does not want to transfer the files to any of the computers i hook up to it, so it is going to take a while. some of the black and white fisheye from the first week of greece is breathtaking. i can't wait to show you guys.

rising tide will not let you forget me, forget me.


----

thursday.

i got up early and went to get coffee with kevin. then we went back to his house to work on his trig homework. man...that was a blast from the past. a lot has happened in five years. we figured most of it out though. then matt came over and we smoked hookah for a bit. i left around 230 and kevin drove back to cedar park. i cant hold hands with anyone anymore...its weird.

when i got home, my mom got in the car with me and we went to go pick up lunch and my ACL wristband. we took cocoa and zooper with us and drove down to zooper. she has been sick, so i drove. we picked up some chick-fil-a and i took a couple pictures of the puppies.

so cute :) we got down to zilker and it was a mad house. we got there around 315 and it took us about 30 minutes to get parked just to go wait in line. despite picking them up thursday only 15 minutes after the box opened, i still got wristband number 43, 800. the enormity of this festival is breathtaking. i had a bit of an adrenaline rush just being around all those people.

however, on an embarassing note, my little sister sarah recently sent me a bunch of ringtones and i was using one of them as my text message alert. and do you know what song it was? the jonas brothers' burnin' up. and what happened in line surrounded by thousands of hipsters and indie kids? i got a text message. embarrassing :( haha.

needless to say, the crazy lines took much longer than my mom and i had planned on, so we had to rush back to pick up my sister from school. i was running late for work, or so i thought, but i ended up still being a minute or two early despite calling in to give them the heads up. we got lucky and didn't really hit any of the after school traffic somehow.

since we were going to zilker, we took mopac of course. i am a i35 girl, and i always use it - there is not much point to usually take mopac since i usually stick to campus and red river whenever i'm downtown. there are so many memories on mopac - going to camp mabry for soccer, heading down to zilker for soccer or a nice afternoon, or going to my doctor who knows how many times. i always get really nostalgic whenever i take mopac, and today was no exception.

went to work, it was fairly uneventful. came back home, smoked, and wrote in this blog for a while. for some reason these blogs during car rides are infinitely long. they are definitely worth reading though, if you find the free time.

blog about austin city limits coming tomorrow :)

you've gotta swim, swim for your life. . .

. . .swim for the music that saves you
when you're not so sure you'll survive.

You've gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a title wave begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on saltwater
I'm not giving in
I swim

You've gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers
Your sisters and brothers
And friends
You've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on saltwater
I'm not giving in
I swim

You've gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting
And wait for the spark
You've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think

The currents will drag us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

another lonely night in amsterdam. . .

. . .the stars are coming out in waves
And I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day

When everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your lies
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes

I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it

Another lonely night in Amsterdam
The water's moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
and the food I can't keep down

And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
And I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
If it meant that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone

I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
'Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down,
I will write this down

Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay

I will write this down for you,
So you can read it...

i need sleep, i need it so bad

i hate when bands i love have creative differences. maybe that's what makes them so great in the first place...but it still sucks. i still can't get over how much i love this is me smiling. i'm glad i got to see them live before they broke-up, more or less.

i'm standing on the tracks and i'm missing the train,
sleep, take me into your world,
sleep, i need it so bad,
i'm staring at the facts and i'm losing my brain,
sleep, take me into your world.

---

i'll make it through,
the moments without you,
i've chosen exile for the view
and I won't come down 'til sunday,...
Inside the vacant cabin,
the fire will not start,
i'll have a glass of wine to warm my heart.

outside the northwest window,
a flock of birds goes by,
i wonder how they stay so side by side.

---


crossing a fine line,
between you and me,
mixin' up adjectives,
like jealous and sweet,
taking up all your time,
for my security,


---

every spoken word is a waste of breath,
every memory will be lost in death,
every induction leads to the same pretense,
every conclusion seems like the best defense.

and we'll never back up what we say,
until the night turns into day,
and time will go away,

---

i'm thinking about my friends
and what they say when i'm not there
do they talk about me like there's something i can't see?
i don't care.

---

at the end of the day,
you got nothing but carried away.
what can i say,
but goodbye to each new day?

i can't believe i believed it this time.

no feel,
everything like it is real,

---

you're lying there on the floor,
with the bottle in your hand,
a note you wrote 'cause you were tired,
of thinking the same hackneyed thoughts,
you're done trying to understand,
every time i see you down,
i remind you,
that the world's still movin' around,
we're all breathin' in different beats,
to maintain the rhythm,
the sequence of living,
take that however you'll take it,

---

the facts never matter,
and nor does the face that gets saved,. . .
comfortable sleep in sheets and blankets,
spinning the earth in my eyes,
slipping it up in all directions now,
i'm going in to find you,
inside the mind you,
convinced yourself you'd beaten for good,
trouble shot your conscience,
rekeyed your instincts,
your memory holds on,
thinks that it should,

---

another use for those prerscription drugs, enough sleep to cure every ailment, to wake up and the city is silent.

---

as cute as the suitor gets,
there's more to overcome,
a catalogue of fond regrets,
brings timely motivation.

---

the hour and the second hand racing 'til midnight,
a thought loses all it's lines,

---

open wounds in the sky,
heal as my patience dies.

now i wanna be alone,
sing into my pillow,
you gave me your directions,
i memorized the turns,
the keys are in the ignition,

and even when your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening.

and even if i find the strength to stand...

today is the day. the glass passenger is officially out. unfortunately...i won't be getting a physical copy for a while. i've already listened to the leak, but as soon as i get the cd itself, i am going to get some coffee, a pack of camel lights and go sit in a park somewhere downtown in the middle of the afternoon...and just listen. i can't wait.

less than twelve hours until i get my swim tattoo. i have been planning it since...may...and now it is finally going to happen.

the internet is going crazy, and i feel so much love towards all the people who are listening for the first time. i can't wait to sit and talk to everyone about it without any judgment, and with all the initial excitement all over again. i have abstained from listening all this week, and will continue to do so until i have my afternoon in the park.

you told me this has always been worth living, what's really worth living anymore?

i guess it ruins it to put the ending of a song first, but i love manchester orchestra so the rest of the song is below. they were grouped together with anathallo, colour revolt, page france, and the appleseed cast...and the likes of funeral for a friend and further seems forever, whom i all avoided due to webb. my first time really listening to them again was with mitch, the night before i left birmingham. i put on you brainstorm, i brainstorm, but brilliance needs a good editor (which is actually webbs...and i never returned it). i forgot how much i loved them. but it is so tainted.

when my dad died,

the worms ate out both his eyes. his soul flew right up in the sky. i cried myself to sleep.
when my mother lies alone on her back at night, adding up hours 'til her demise, she counts herself to sleep. when my sister finds my body closed up like the blinds, i tell her i promise it's fine. she cries herself to sleep. the men in the black ties arrive at the house in surprise, to find a little girl by your side, the wood box where you're sleeping. istill see you inside of this god awful house. you move awfully quiet now. and i still feel you everywhere.

not much happened between my return from jackson and austin city limits, so i will try to breeze my way through it with the help of my handy memo pad.

----

monday.

i slept in until past noon, then ate lunch with my mom. we watched tv together, a whole bunch of random stuff like always.

currently, thanks to my moms incessant tv watching habits, i am now watching all of these shows (mostly with her )

-heroes
-fringe
-supernatural
-weeds (which just ended, so doesn't really count)
-criminal minds
-CSI (all of the them)
-law and order (CI and SVU)
-criminal minds
-psych
-monk (sometimes)
-grey's anatomy
-house
-dirty sexy money


i am absolutely in love with fringe. i never really got into lost, but totally appreciate jj abrams. twilight zone + x files + house = fringe. did i already say i loved this? sometimes my dad's taste in shows translates (unlike battlestar galactia...though i did watch a good bit of that back in the day too).

i finally finished twilight today as well. i started new moon after my dermatology appointment. i will tell you what...excisions are not a walk in the park. something about the anesthetic that my doctor uses makes me so ill. it did not help that i sat up and saw her while she was shaving the mole off, if you will. i hate their terminology. shaving...punching out...excising....ugh. makes me sick just thinking about it.

i was supposed to close at work, but i was so so so ill from the anesthetic, it was not even a possibility. i stayed at home, slept, read, and called it a day before 10.

----

more to come later. i caught up editing photos and chatting with arthur...so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

tell me how anybody thinks under this condition.

so slow down...this is actually an old entry from my live journal. but i was thinking about it. it was a closed entry even on my livejournal...but i feel like i'm ready to post it here now. i was not nearly as verbose back in those days, and i had a much harder time writing about how i felt. i still feel as if a part of me, the part that consumed me back then, is hidden deep down within me....waiting to emerge any day. there was something so foreboding about this point in my life - everything else has simply been the denouement.

----

may 2nd, 2008. 12:05 am.

its another day. a day just like any other. numb to the world and tired of being in it.

driving loop 220, windows down, music up. 33 miles of anonymity in this world perpetually in motion slipping further away from my reality.

through cracking voice and tears i get through the cd until track eight. oh my god this hurts like hell. never have any words resonated more in my life. flash back to a month ago, almost exactly and i wish i could stay in that moment forever. the day when andrew looked me in the eyes with real concern and asked me how i was. if only i could have articulated everything he and his music has meant to me...but i was interrupted to go fix some problem. yet again. the story of my life. i'm on the verge of what could potentially be the most life changing conversation of my life...being able to talk about my experience, about being ill, about being on the verge of putting myself out of my misery and i would look to my wrist and have hope again. surely i can make it through, i just have to be strong like he was. his music is my outlet and the reason i am still sitting here at this computer writing this journal. and there i was, face to face in the back of a dingy restaurant in jackson... waiting for the trolley to come with the first group of students for the concert to start...hanging out with the guy that has unknowingly saved my life more than once. and he knew. casper told him about me...my situation...why i wanted him to play watch the sky. and he was genuinely concerned...and it was probably the single most moving moment of my life. but it was taken away and its impossible to recreate that moment...though i have played it out over and over again in my head.

countless days walking across campus...through the parking lot...tears in my eyes trying to hold it together until i am within the confines and safety of my moving escape from the world, from this hell hole. if only i could talk to him. if only i had someone to fill that void. and the cycle perpetuates itself at least one more time.

another beautiful day but nothing gets better. until track eight. i feel like he is singing to my soul...it resonates so deep and so thoroughly i can feel it with every fiber of my being.

it doesnt matter if it is my first day making this journey, or the twentieth this month, i still feel the same. and for these few minutes and through this album i feel alive. i feel like i have a purpose. my purpose is to live for the music, the music is what keeps me here and makes me feel real.

and the day that the feeling ebbs and is finally gone, then i will know there is nothing worth living for. but for now, there is still a reason

----

this picture was taken may 17, 2007. i was so happy then...went through my myspace pictures today and stumbled across this - i was truly shocked to see myself look that happy, that young, that carefree. not even a year between this picture and the entry above. the picture is of myself, andy hull from manchester orchestra, and the lovely zoe by the way. if anyone really cares, it was the saves the day/say anything co-headline tour with manchester orchestra and meg & dia at stubbs. i wish i could be like this again.

facebook asked me to write something about myself - and this is the first thing that i wrote down.

i live my life through music and reading. im tired of being an individual, so its nice to let someone else think for me. i may have failed in the past, but i succeeded in only leaving this empty shell where someone fascinating used to dwell.

here's to the fast times, the nights we felt alive - to all the nights that we forgot to come back home

by some act of god, i rolled out of bed at 545 after less than an hour and a half of sleep. got packed and on the road fairly quickly, and the journey began. this ride was much less eventful, and the sun actually came up. it was beautiful.



when i woke up, i was definitely not one hundred percent. could i see straight? yes. could i walk straight? no. was driving potentially a bad idea? definite possibility. it happened any way. grabbed some coffee, breakfast, and gas out in clinton and tried to start my drive with the best possible attitude. my barista at starbucks looked really familiar too, it was strange. random, i know. coffee is my vice of choice. smoking comes and goes. i realize i have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. but coffee is always there. when im down, what do i turn to? a nice cup of coffee. when i need something to do? go to a coffee shop. getting up early? coffee. staying up late? more coffee. going to work? you guessed it, coffee. my life revolves around coffee - it is my necessity, and is also my economic indicator of choice. i could judge everything based on my frappucino, tea, or lattes.

i played a lot of the same cds i listened to on the way over - 1, because it was easier than changing them all out and 2, because they would help keep me awake. i don't remember what i started with, but up second was something corporate's leaving through the window. much more energy-inspiring than north, and the sun came up in perfect harmony with i woke up in a car. between tracks 2 and 4 i finally felt sobered up and i really opened by eyes to see the day for the first time. would you believe me if i said i crossed the louisiana border with the beginning of the track? synchronicity at work folks. wish i could make it up...but i really woke up in my car, did not trace away the fog, but saw the mississippi on her knees. sometimes i feel like i stage this kind of thing...but i don't. i swear...as unreal as it seems.

time for more coffee...only a few hours in. i stopped in shreveport, and walked in a stupor into a starbucks. i ordered a frappucino and started going into my whole light whip, non fat milk, no classic syrup spiel...only to be greeted with great confusion. i forget that they don't do the whole create-your-own frappucino everywhere. thank god for that. i love the old frappucinos with good old frapp-base the best.

funny note: spell check annoys me... and i hate when words are underlined. what does the blogger.com dictionary suggest in place of frappucino? cappuccino, cappuccinos, and hallucinogen. no joke.

there is fog hanging in the air for most of the morning, and there is something so suggestive about the nature of fog. it is so modest, yet revealing. it is like nature is hesitant to face the world, to show you itself in all it's beauty, so it gives the air of being uninviting. however, it is impossible to not be one with the earth in moments like these. it just takes a bit of extra care, some focus through the haze, and a bit of a closer examination to realize what hides behind this veil, this sculptural suggestion of something insubstantial.

side note. sam told me last night that frances lucas, the president of millsaps college, was among a number of noted university officials to publicly support and campaign for lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. sorry that it is out of order, it came back to me from my own self-induced haze mid-morning. i have a lot more respect for her - not because i wish i could legally drink earlier, but the fact that she had the tenacity to stand up for something that she would be faced with such scrutiny over. you go franny lou.

the nicotine and espresso running through my veins are the only things that keep me going. maybe it is all in my head...but sometimes i can only find solace in their comforting embrace surging through my bloodstream, vein to vein, artery to artery, bringing me one step closer to a death i both desire and despair. simple as that.

there is something appealing about distancing myself...physically. but emotionally? why am i doing it? i like to think that i'm not distancing my self intentionally, but it is happeing. it is not vindicative, or manipulative, or self-loathing, but there is something driving my desire to not allow anyone into my life. maybe it will get better with time.

what is it about 3 against 2? i'm talking rhythmically of course. i do not know what it is, but something about the struggle - but the perfect alignment right a moment too late, once you are already off kilter, the slight lilt and driving nature of it all. the imperfection draws me in, with a simply rhythmical device you can find almost anywhere. it is not easy to play off beat, while perfectly in life with someone or something moving a slightly different pace. we all match up sometime though. maybe that is part of the appeal.

my heart was all but slowing down. . .it was my personal symphony.

my condolences go out to dj am, travis barker, and all of those killed and affected by the crash. i was late finding out about this, it wasn't until i got back to austin on sunday, but my heart goes out to all of you - truly and sincerely.

come on, pick me up -
somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. . .
i can hear the sound, of your voice
still ringing in my ear


i need you here tonight
just like the ocean needs the waves
. . .oh the night
becomes the space that's somewhere in between
what i feel and what i'm told.


and the music's much too loud
to hear this alarm sound.
too loud, will you cover me?
but the emptiness i've found,
can't keep me on the ground.
the ground, can you cover me? hey,
what's the point in trying to get away?
the neverending search to find your escape.
it's gonna leave you cold.
everything is better,
and everything is right.


ithink that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
so take it all the way. whoa, whoa -
and our hearts are on the everglow.
so just let go and fall into it. . .
every action makes a reaction.
we'll figure it out and make it happen.

i feel myself constantly being faced with the seemingly simple question - "how are you?" and i just find myself lying in order to elicit a response. the question is never about the person who is being asked, it is always about opening the door and allowing yourself, or the individual asking, to speak about yourself/themselves. we all just want to hear ourselves, feel justified by others, and have others pay attention. okay, maybe we aren't all that way, but sometimes it feels as if there is no point in troubling myself over the answer -should i lie? should i not? - because it is never really about me.

love, its the wave i ride,
that won't ever reach the shore.
overwhelmed by the tideand wanting nothing more, tonight.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide.
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
hope, its the light that strikes,
that burns inside of me.
its a blinding light, but somehow i can see, again.
when i've lost my way.
its becoming very clear.
and its coming around again.
somewhere between the darkest and the light. . .
my spirit takes to fly.
the colors fill the sky,
and i am free, oh ohh.

Wasted time.
I cannot say that I was ready for this.
But when worlds collide,
and all that I have is all that I want.
The words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
And all that I have is yours.
All that I am is yours. Ohh...
Painted skies.
I've seen so many that cannot compare
to your ocean eyes.

then to keep myself awake, after holding myself together through the everglow, i switched to mixed tapes. here are some excerpts -

for all the world we did not see,
and all the smiles you gave to me
they're so contagious - so very fake

love is not some victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

a million eyes all crying please-
please don't forget about me

yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right
hey, hey now we're almost home.
i miss you to death,
but its all for the best, i know
. . . our time is almost here.

once i rose above the noise and confusion
just to get a glimpse behind this illusion
i was soaring ever higher, but i flew too high
though my eyes could see i still was a blind man
though my mind could think i still was a mad man
i hear the voices when i'm dreamin', i can hear them say. . .
on a stormy sea of moving emotion
tossed about i'm like a ship on the ocean
i set a course for winds of fortune, but i hear the voices say

then it was on to some great sing along music - dashboard confessional. don't judge.

the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
this is incredible, starving, insatiable

the pictures of anything other than it's meant to be.
but the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
don't be concerned, you know i'll be fine on my own.
i never said "don't go".

in the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.
this purchased rebellion has been outbidded,
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless, championless, championless
i begged you not to go. i begged you, I pleaded.
claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.

which of the bold-faced lies will we use?
but this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses
and it's crude,
but it will do.

such a charming, beautiful exterior
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
this is one time, this is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
or anyone at all...or anyone at all
and the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places that you've come to fear the most
buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
and hidden in the public eye

then, last but not least - i listened to this is me smiling's self-titled album. and the last of my lyrical quotations...sorry for not writing lengthy expositions on the meaning of the lyrics...it really was more about someone else finding the words rather than utilizing that liminal time this drive around. not as many groundbreaking, earth shattering breakthroughs.

crossing a fine line,
between you and me,
mixin' up adjectives,
like jealous and sweet,
taking up all your time,
for my security

i'm lookin' down on all the folks below.
six billion little freckles,
with freckles of their own,
it's colder here than i have ever known. . .
i'll make it through,
the moments without you,
i've chosen exile for the view
and i won't come down 'til sunday. . .
but on my way down,
i'm gonna paint all the towns,
and if i miss a few spots,
i'll simply turn back around.
on my way down,
i'm gonna crank up the sound,
i'm gonna party like the devil,
until I reach sea level.

Found a better way to fall in love,
another use for those prescription drugs,
enough sleep to cure every ailment,
to wake up and the city is silent. . .
everyday i wanna wake and see the sunrise,
every night i wanna fall asleep in your eyes,
never ever ever wanted to regress,
ask me nice and answer will be yes.

The story gets better,
embellished or plucked from the page,
the facts never matter,
and nor does the face that gets saved. . .
Comfortable sleep in sheets and blankets,
spinning the earth in my eyes,
slipping it up in all directions now,
i'm going in to find you, inside the mind you,
convinced yourself you'd beaten for good,
trouble shot your conscience,
rekeyed your instincts,
your memory holds on,
thinks that it should

i need sleep,
i need it so bad,
i'm standing on the tracks and i'm missing the train,
sleep, take me into your world. . .
And i'm so excited, so excited,
to forget the reasons why I need you here,
i'm so excited, so excited,
to turn this hazy debut black and clear.

got back in a solid 10 hours, including stopping for hair dye, looking at purses at target, seeing kevin at randalls, and then going home. and i actually stopped for meals - go figure. still less time than on the way to jackson. it felt like a hell of a lot longer though, i will tell you that much.

got to my house, the whole family (minus chris) was in the living room about to start the new episode of supernatural. i got a killer ant bite on my foot, so i took some benedryl and laid down on the couch to watch the new episode with them. supernatural is one of those shows i love, but hate that i love. dean and sam...oh how i love you. had a late birthday dinner with my dad at texas roadhouse, still swimming in the haze of antihistamine, and went home. fell asleep, but instead of hanging out with kevin like i planned, nothing happened. it was a crazy day though - i can't believe i made the whole drive without falling asleep.

and just because i'm sure no one is going to go looking through my old blogs for updates, here are a couple of pictures. the first is from outside hot wok some time last week, and the other two are taken from under i35 after i parked and was walking toward true blue.

drink up last call before the sunrise sets the scene - of empty bottles, heavy hearts, memories of broken dreams

it only seems fitting that a song from the soundtrack of my senior year summer describes this night. summer after senior year was all about change and saying goodbye to my life in high school, and now i wonder what precipice i am now facing.

i had every intention of waking up and going to breakfast with grant before he left for starkville, but it didn't happen. there was no rousing me from the dead saturday morning. both katie and i were lazy as hell and slept through most of the football game. i woke up, finished reading twilight, read the jfp and did the crossword. it is amazing that i can do crosswords again. no more beautiful mind-esque connections being blocked, all neurons going full speed ahead without any medications slowing them down. the jfp made me think of stephen barnette and my crush on him. i think i will have to work jubilee jam again despite all the frustration just to see him and jamie again. they were both so sweet and so amazing. i wish i had the balls to ask for numbers so that maybe i don't have to wait for a time to come along that i might cross their paths. i don't like searching for needles in a haystack.

katie and i watched more tv, and waited for jp to go pick up some food from aladdins. i try to avoid mediterranean food like the plague after greece, but i made an exception. we then listened to a bunch of music, watched more tv, and made some connections.

i.e. - compare the intro of mgmt's electric feel and jack's mannequin's bloodshot.
also, compare the intro of jack's mannequin's crashin' and something corporate's you're gone.
lastly, the chime parts in jack's mannequin's into the airwaves and mae's anything. uncanny folks. just saying.

dinner at the olive garden with sam. bottomless pasta bowls, hell yeah. it was nice, and we were able to kinda interact normally after my breakdown the night before. then i got to meet eli when we headed to the fondren cups for coffee. the first blondie i had in a very long time. he was really cool, but i guess sam i and both are breaking from our archetypes we have established for ourselves. he then bought us some captain morgan's, which we immediately broke into before our next destination. barely enough room for dinner, coffee, and alcohol. somehow we managed though.

then sam and i went to cody's show at sam's lounge. we headed to the show early so we could get in - considering that it was 21 and up. cody and his friend, aka the passing parade, were amazing. there is not a person on this earth who i would have rather shared this night with than sam. it is in the shadow of great moments like these - so perfect in such an ordinary way, that i think we really appreciate one another.
oh, and every single pore of cody's body exudes sex. we ended up leaving to go meet up with eli and some other belhaven people and cody said he would text me whenever they were headed out. oh! and i saw alex, tim, and kelly at the show. i hadn't seen any of them in forever, so that was nice. i felt like such an ass for forgetting kelly's name though :( pictures turned out horribly...i really couldn't use flash. there were all of like...15 people watching the show, and it was actually annoying just to hear the shutter close, so i wasn't about to flash all up in this dark old lounge. here are a few anyways.



then millsaps, more shenanigans, etc. sam and i split up - she ultimately went over to belhaven and i worked my way from pike to lambda chi to pike to sae then back to pike. i was planning on staying awake all night and just driving through, but i ultimately crashed around 330. i was very tempted to go meet up with cody and continue the night, but unfortunately he caught me the moment my head hit the futon. i am certain that we will see each other again soon though.

and this is how my saturday night, which i intended to be tame, turned into sunday.

say after me- it's no better to be safe than sorry. take on me, take me on

so i started the day by getting out of bed around 11 and going to lunch with rachel and phoebe on last friday. something about the dynamic of the three of us, just works. just enough play, just enough serious, it really works. they were both headed out of town to spend some time with the family in memphis, so we all met up before they were gone. i wish they had both been around more that weekend, but what can you do? things happen. i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to susan since she left for the airport earlier than expected and i was still with the girls at lunch, but at least we got some quality time in on thursday night. i forgot how much i miss that girl...maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder after all.

then i came back, wrote my blog, and watched the greatest 100 songs of the 80s. katie and i reminisced about our favorite songs on the list growing up and speculated on what would top the list. a ha should have totally been higher up than it was. whatever vh1 :P

it also made me think about this one incredible show experience i had. it was the first time that i really felt like i was experiencing a rock concert in the way they used to happen. rock concerts used to be shoulder to shoulder, sharing your love with the crowd as much as you are with the artist. it is a communal experience, fueled not by your self-consciousness or worry about how everyone else is perceiving you, but by the love and passion shared by yourself and your peers. it was nothing like that, but it was definitely the first time i came close to really bonding with a crowd. it has only ever happened one other time.

i was at a bloc party show at stubbs sometime in the middle of 2006 with ebler, and this band j versus k was opening up for them. then, between sets, there was a bit of downtime in which they played music. and one of the last songs they played, amongst britney spears and assorted other popular music, was bon jovi's living on a prayer. wait, don't stop reading. i know it's lame, but suffer through it. every person in the venue, which is hard to grasp just through the sheer nature of the set-up, started singing when the chorus came on, and for a second - everyone forgot themselves.

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
Whoa, we're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

it didn't matter who you were standing next to, how much cred you thought you were earning from attending this show, whether you are dressed hipper than your neighbor. no judging what shirt someone else is wearing, how they are dressed, the kind of person they are. just one, common, organic experience with a song from our childhood. there is something moving about the song...in such an unexpected way. it gives you hope, and maybe there is hope that rock and roll really isn't dead after all.

arthur, i know i told you i have been really bad about being on the internet. i barely check all my own things, and definitely did not religiously read your blog. i will tell you what though - going through and reading all your entries, i can't help but smile from ear to ear. i told my friend all about you, she was really perplexed by why i was so happy and excited over something online. she doesn't really understand the whole internet friendship thing, but i hope you. in a time when no one knows how to deal with me in person, you handle me better online than they can face to face. and i owe you a great deal for that.

sometimes i feel like i am more worried about attainment than my actual interest in something. i am just as guilty as a lot of people around me. maybe being cognizant of it cancels it out though? i'm not really sure how that works haha.

so i spent a better part of the evening with JP, eating more sushi from haru, and watching the drinking olympics on tv. okay, it was one of those food network showdowns, but it was intense haha. we were kinda perplexed to begin with, hence the assuming it was some kind of drinking triathlon or something, but it was pretty interesting. i was also trying to figure out what happened with my phone - sometime between leaving lunch and sitting down for dinner, my text messages stopped working. i could receive them, make calls, and receive calls, but i could not send text messages. ultimately my phone company reset my sim card or something or another and it was all back to normal, but i was very frustrated there for a minute. i am so dependent on modern technology.

after more food network and mindless channel surfing, jon stewart and the colbert report came on. tony blair was on the daily show, and it was amazing. it was pretty tense for a bit - i wasn't sure if jon had really crossed the line and if blair was going to just up and walk off, but it was a really good segment. apparently blair is teaching a course at yale on globalization, which is really cool. makes me wish i had been able to go there...that was my dream. unfortunately college is one of those goals and dreams limited by linear time. if only it did not have to be that way.

ultimately katie was roused from the dead and came to keep jp and i company. then jp when to go rent baby mama, which turned into quite the extensive fiasco. first, the blockbuster did not have any copies, so he went to run some more errands and waited to see if anyone returned a copy while he was out. then he finally got a copy, got back to new south, and the safety was still on, so we couldn't open it. then after some extensive internet research, jp was able to break through the safety on the dvd case....just in time for me to leave and meet sam. she had to film the girls soccer game, and we met up as soon as it was over.

i have been smoking like crazy...particularly starting last friday. it happens i suppose. oh, i also decided that it is necessary for me to start taking more pictures. my dslr will be on me at all (practical) times from now on.

after meeting up with sam, we went up to her room to get ready, and then headed over to the sketch house. whitney, rachel, irene, james, evan, nick, roscoe, lauren, and dylan were all there, and we drank beer, played rock band 2, and watched people shoot bb guns. that was basically the extent of my time there. oh, and listening to soul music. and awkward conversations about former flings. no, i do not want to give you my ~blessing to have sex with some guy i used to see. i don't feel the need to do it, it is completely gratuitous and just places unneeded resentment between us. love you, but next time - let's not.

sam and i ultimately went to whataburger since we were both starving, to get food for ourselves and all the boys at the house. there was some dissension about whether we were going back to the house, or to the pike house, or what. and i was at the peak of another bout of insecurity. grant wanted me to come see him, but i was terrified of the house. sam and i drove in silence, and i felt like the tension was springing not just from our disagreement about how we wanted to spend the rest of our night together, but instead from harbored resentment after burger king. i cried a bit, but ultimately we talked through things and i voiced my honest opinion. i still feel like there is unnecessary tension in the wake of my downward spiral, but our bond is too strong to let something as stupid as my own manifestations of my shortcomings to compromise our friendship at the end of the day.

i braved the house with sam and we tried to make a beeline for grant. i didnt see him, so we to the bathroom - built up courage to face the terrifying onslaught of people, and located grant upstairs. at this point, sam bailed, and i spent the rest of the night drinking and smoking like a chimney with grant.

i confronted, both intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of people from my past and realized that most of my fear was misplaced. i went in with the mentality that i was going to avoid everyone and assume they wanted nothing to do with me unless they approached me, but it ended up being counterproductive. a couple of people were actually like - wtf, why didn't you come say hey? i mean....i didn't come say hey because i was worried that you didn't want to give me the time of day. but i was wrong. i even talked to jack. okay, that was one of the ones i did not mean to happen. it did though. i was walking out back through the chapter room and saw cameron, sarah, and grant in a circle of people smoking, so i walked up since we had just been up in grants room together. and who did i walk into? jack. who was also in the circle. my heart skipped a beat...and not in the fluttery kind of way, but in the oh shit, i guess tonight won't go so smooth after all kind of way. this one individual is the sole source of a vast number of issues for me...the person who was a seemingly innocent, nondescript person in my vast sea of decisions and actions in the spring, who served as the catalyst for a ripple effect throughout my life. it went well though. i actually think we are okay. as okay as is possible - no bad blood if you will. this is the one person, not an anonymous group of individuals or an idea, who truly terrified me. i was so scared of him...and i hoped that by getting through the night without seeing him, all would be a success. but it turned out that only one person truly avoided me - and i dont particularly give a shit about him anyways. he had ~issues when we tried to have a thing, so i'm going to attribute his cold shoulder to post-traumatic performance anxiety.

the night ended well, back in new south at a semi-reasonable hour (aka before the sun came up). and so my friday ended. oh, and irene was christened lakeisha and i was marvin aka mel v aka mel b by grant. those were some great cover names babe. oh well, it was funny as hell ;)

they'll give your face that special glow...

oh lord, perez...check it out.

at least he knows he is campy as fuck.

i just wanna wake up in someone else's arms

alright...i promise i will update tomorrow. a separate entry for every day since i last updated. i'm too preoccupied editing photos right now though, sorry.

in the meantime, here are two pretty, unedited photos. and a link to a ridiculous, yet true, news story. enjoy :)

the blood rushing in waves to take this feeling with us to our graves

yesterday was all over the place. ill avoid the stereotypical rollercoaster analogies for your sake and mine. i tried to get to bed early, but without much success.

ultimately, i went to bed around 1 i think, only to get back up at 5. i let myself lay in bed and just meditate on some things and finally got up to finish packing at about 545. got the rest of my stuff together, which also took longer than expected, got situated in the car, and headed up to the new shopping strip at 183A and 1431. the plan was to kill two birds with one stone, get coffee at the relatively new starbucks and breakfast at the chick-fil-a that opened this week right next door. i love love love chick-fil-a's breakfast. especially chicken minis :) but chick-fil-a opened late and i ended up wasting a ton of time.

then, kinda settled in, CDs in the changer and a venti java chip frappucino with three shots in hand, i hit the road. my dad left me his garmin to try and help me out so i wouldn't get lost...but it ended up messing me up more than anything else. i hit 35 and without thinking just followed the GPS. i mean, it is completely normal for me to take 35 south, and it was still an hour until sunrise so i was not exactly in the perfect state of mind for cognitive reasoning (wait - dallas is north...why am i going south?). i was stuck in traffic forever and i had no idea why it was so bad. oh, maybe because i went down the highway for 20 miles in the wrong direction towards downtown...because the GPS was trying to take me down some tiny highways instead of the easy, simplistic 35 to 20 route. screw going through tyler....there is no food, no place to stop, and little towns are littered up and down those back roads where you don't stand a chance of walking away without a speeding ticket if you exceed 40-45 miles per hour. forget that :)

eventually i woke up from my pre-dawn daze and started heading the right direction on 35 (please realize how embarrassing it is for me to admit i made such a stupid mistake...because it is really embarrassing). i listened to kiss fm for a while...i knew i had plenty of time to listen to CDs, bobby bones can be pretty entertaining, and i never listen to the radio - so why the hell not? lunchbox was trying to replicate some stupid magic trick/stunt that someone is attempting in the near future...and it kept me entertained for a while. but the moral of the story is, i really didnt get going on the road (in the right direction) until almost 7...when i had been planning on leaving at 7. i guess thats what happens when im accountable for myself that early in the morning.

in the days leading up to my trip, and talking to everyone about when i leave, how i drive there, and all that jazz, i was reminded about how much i love making the drive...sometimes. if you get on the road at the right time, when you are at the end of your first wind, finally starting to feel the immensity of the drive ahead of you - that is when the sun comes up. and it is a beautiful, inspiring thing. i have never been a morning person, so unless it was an exceptionally long night, the only time i get to see this beautiful phenomena is at the dawn of a day of driving. it is so...refreshing, calming, and it just helps me find my center in some weird, inexplicable way.

however, despite my timing issues on this particular journey, it would have made no difference whatsoever. it was a gloomy and anti climatic sunrise followed only my rain and more overcast skies. when i was loading up the car, it started to rain...and the last trip from my house to the car was a slow motion kind of moment for me. i don't know if that happens for anyone else...but it was just one of those moments when i felt alive. something about the anticipation, the time of day...the feeling of the start of something new, all mixed with the anxiety and the cleansing effect emotionally and physically evoked with each new rain, i really felt.

after giving up on bobby bones around kyle, texas ( i didn't last long at all ) i turned on panic at the disco's pretty. odd. panic's a fever you can't sweat out used to be my "middle of the drive hump" cd to wake me back up from the monotonous louisiana stretch of 20. ironically, if you weren't aware, there was a very fitting lyric considering the mixed emotions about the rain and gloom surrounding me. there are a few lyrics i took note of during the drive, and i'm not going to really explain them...they just stand out.

i'm not complaining that it's raining,
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .

the overcast skies were killer - it wasn't one of those all-encompassing black masses of a sky, more of a looming gray with just enough light pouring through to send the most faint, piercing headache to the place right behind your eyes. the kind of day that sunglasses just can't help without putting a dense screen between yourself and the world around you. so what do you do? embrace the headache and try to squint enough to forget it was there to begin with.

i know the world's a broken bone,
but melt your headaches call it home.

i actually really wish i had planned that last bit. about the headaches and the corresponding lyrics. but really, those lyrics were the next note on my memo pad about this blog. and the gloom was second hand to the sun in the last bit about the weather, so it was only fitting that it followed the rain and sun explanation. synchronicity at work my friends...it happens in strange, frightening, and unexpected ways.

if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.

you've never been so divine in accepting your defeat
and i've never been more scared to be alone.

i guess i am a hypocrite for liking folkin' around but hating country music. there are always exceptions i suppose.

9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.

so, pull me under
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed


(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)


i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .

something about the uncertainty and hesitation associated with the music stopping just...fits. falter is the perfect word for it. i am intrinsically drawn and connected with music in all facets of my life, and i let myself invest everything in it.

am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.

don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.

next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.

i'm just stuck trying to relive the past. . .will somebody please save me?


i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me


the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me


all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .


i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.


bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.

i love and adore bryce, but fragments really reach me the same way that all of andrew's work reaches me. i have to step outside of myself to truly appreciate bryce and imagine what it would be like to be truly happy or optimistic, which can be quite invigorating but also trying. it ends up depressing me more thinking about how i could view life...but don't.

i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.

then something corporate's north.

the blood that's boiling in my veins and the food i can't keep down

it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.

after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.

it'd be so easy to lose myself to you.

after we the kings, was jack's mannequin the glass passenger.

the freeway is just like veins without a heart.

every road has a beginning and an end...but it is not always clear where it will take you. physically, maybe you can deduce the result from exit to exit, traffic light to stop sign, but there is no telling what waits for you at the end of each venture. there is no personal consideration, no compassion from the road beneath your feet, your tires as to what awaits you at your destination. it is impersonal, a means to an end without any real reason except to transport you from one place in your life to the next.

around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

long story short, i almost ran out of gas. i used the garmin to try and find the closest gas station and it took me way off the highway...to a place that didn't exist. so between me not knowing the mileage of my brother's car and not knowing how long it was going to be until i found a real gas station, not a fictitious building in the middle of arcadia, louisiana. i found one after over 30 miles with the low fuel light on....for four dollars a gallon. AWESOME. oh well, then i made it to another gas station after only putting in a couple gallons at the last station, and filled up. yet again, i was substantially set back in terms of my arrival time.

then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.

so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.

well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.

we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.

then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.

i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.

katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.

i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.

now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)

oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.