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may 2nd, 2008. 12:05 am.
its another day. a day just like any other. numb to the world and tired of being in it.
driving loop 220, windows down, music up. 33 miles of anonymity in this world perpetually in motion slipping further away from my reality.
through cracking voice and tears i get through the cd until track eight. oh my god this hurts like hell. never have any words resonated more in my life. flash back to a month ago, almost exactly and i wish i could stay in that moment forever. the day when andrew looked me in the eyes with real concern and asked me how i was. if only i could have articulated everything he and his music has meant to me...but i was interrupted to go fix some problem. yet again. the story of my life. i'm on the verge of what could potentially be the most life changing conversation of my life...being able to talk about my experience, about being ill, about being on the verge of putting myself out of my misery and i would look to my wrist and have hope again. surely i can make it through, i just have to be strong like he was. his music is my outlet and the reason i am still sitting here at this computer writing this journal. and there i was, face to face in the back of a dingy restaurant in jackson... waiting for the trolley to come with the first group of students for the concert to start...hanging out with the guy that has unknowingly saved my life more than once. and he knew. casper told him about me...my situation...why i wanted him to play watch the sky. and he was genuinely concerned...and it was probably the single most moving moment of my life. but it was taken away and its impossible to recreate that moment...though i have played it out over and over again in my head.
countless days walking across campus...through the parking lot...tears in my eyes trying to hold it together until i am within the confines and safety of my moving escape from the world, from this hell hole. if only i could talk to him. if only i had someone to fill that void. and the cycle perpetuates itself at least one more time.
another beautiful day but nothing gets better. until track eight. i feel like he is singing to my soul...it resonates so deep and so thoroughly i can feel it with every fiber of my being.
it doesnt matter if it is my first day making this journey, or the twentieth this month, i still feel the same. and for these few minutes and through this album i feel alive. i feel like i have a purpose. my purpose is to live for the music, the music is what keeps me here and makes me feel real.
and the day that the feeling ebbs and is finally gone, then i will know there is nothing worth living for. but for now, there is still a reason
driving loop 220, windows down, music up. 33 miles of anonymity in this world perpetually in motion slipping further away from my reality.
through cracking voice and tears i get through the cd until track eight. oh my god this hurts like hell. never have any words resonated more in my life. flash back to a month ago, almost exactly and i wish i could stay in that moment forever. the day when andrew looked me in the eyes with real concern and asked me how i was. if only i could have articulated everything he and his music has meant to me...but i was interrupted to go fix some problem. yet again. the story of my life. i'm on the verge of what could potentially be the most life changing conversation of my life...being able to talk about my experience, about being ill, about being on the verge of putting myself out of my misery and i would look to my wrist and have hope again. surely i can make it through, i just have to be strong like he was. his music is my outlet and the reason i am still sitting here at this computer writing this journal. and there i was, face to face in the back of a dingy restaurant in jackson... waiting for the trolley to come with the first group of students for the concert to start...hanging out with the guy that has unknowingly saved my life more than once. and he knew. casper told him about me...my situation...why i wanted him to play watch the sky. and he was genuinely concerned...and it was probably the single most moving moment of my life. but it was taken away and its impossible to recreate that moment...though i have played it out over and over again in my head.
countless days walking across campus...through the parking lot...tears in my eyes trying to hold it together until i am within the confines and safety of my moving escape from the world, from this hell hole. if only i could talk to him. if only i had someone to fill that void. and the cycle perpetuates itself at least one more time.
another beautiful day but nothing gets better. until track eight. i feel like he is singing to my soul...it resonates so deep and so thoroughly i can feel it with every fiber of my being.
it doesnt matter if it is my first day making this journey, or the twentieth this month, i still feel the same. and for these few minutes and through this album i feel alive. i feel like i have a purpose. my purpose is to live for the music, the music is what keeps me here and makes me feel real.
and the day that the feeling ebbs and is finally gone, then i will know there is nothing worth living for. but for now, there is still a reason
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this picture was taken may 17, 2007. i was so happy then...went through my myspace pictures today and stumbled across this - i was truly shocked to see myself look that happy, that young, that carefree. not even a year between this picture and the entry above. the picture is of myself, andy hull from manchester orchestra, and the lovely zoe by the way. if anyone really cares, it was the saves the day/say anything co-headline tour with manchester orchestra and meg & dia at stubbs. i wish i could be like this again.
facebook asked me to write something about myself - and this is the first thing that i wrote down.
i live my life through music and reading. im tired of being an individual, so its nice to let someone else think for me. i may have failed in the past, but i succeeded in only leaving this empty shell where someone fascinating used to dwell.
1 comment:
you have no idea, how much i wish i could meet up with you and just give you the biggest hug right now.
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