København, Denmark
another day, another hangover. i haven't made it home sober successfully since i've been here. you would think copenhagen would have provide the requite i so desperately needed before berlin, and, well, after amsterdam, but it seems to be the exact opposite. despite mathilde insisting that she wouldn't be able to go out since she works every day that i'm here, she has only gone into work once since monday and has been out with me every single night. granted, i stay out a few hours longer than she does, but she has been right there with me for the most part.
as soon as she and her mother picked me up at the train station, we went to check my pack in left luggage then hit the streets walking. we went down strøget, the walking street, and stopped for lunch on the canal at nyhavn, where mathilde's mom graciously treated us to lunch. oh, and to my first carlsberg...the first of many, many more to come. then we caught the metro to christiania. we had coffee at the 'world's safest cafe' (due to the fact that they have had something like 2000 police raids in the past decade) and then walked around the water looking at all of the self-built homes. then we caught a bus to see the new opera house and then headed back to the train station to grab my pack. then we were finally headed to mathilde's apartment, phew.
mathilde's mom left us money for dinner and went with mathilde to run errands while i organized my pack. i took a nap after mathilde went to pick up philip, which was nice because i had just spent eighteen hours on trains and more than a few hours on my feet walking around copenhagen. when i woke up it was to a fully cooked dinner, a box of wine, and then a bit of reminiscing about amsterdam. philip was really sweet, but his english got weaker and weaker has his sobriety diminished. ultimately i had to go to call it a night once the wine started to settle into my veins...and i drifted into sleep with every intention in the world of making it an early morning.
early turned out to be 10:30 by the time i showered, ate, and attempted to make iced nescafe, which was disastrous and awful. i got to the station, spent ten minutes staring at the ticket machine that was only in danish and apparently only took change. i went to a coffeeshop in the little strip near the station to get some change, a cappuccino to get things going, and then a friendly conversation with a barista later, i was on my way. i went to the national museum, and i was absolutely blown away. this place definitely made up for everything that amsterdam had been missing. i completely geeked out and ended up staying until it closed, a good six hours later. after that i went to the round tower, took a bunch of photos and stressed over the fact that my phone was not working. after getting on the wrong line in the completely opposite direction of mathilde's apartment, i finally made it back half an hour late.
we tried to go to this traditional danish restaurant, but when we finally got there the kitchen was closed, but they sent us to another place - rio bravo. we were told if we took a certain bus and got off right near tivoli we would see it, but we ended up walking around the same few blocks over and over again. eventually we found it, and it was definitely worth the walk. i had the same thing as mathilde (she ordered for both of us) which was this pork and potato dish (gasp! i was put into a culturally awkward situation where i had to eat meat. eck) which was surprisingly good, but between that and the beers...and the fact that it was a more than generous portion, i was absolutely satiated. surprisingly, the meat didn't really make me that sick, just sleepy. we ended up walking around looking for a place to go out, but it was a tuesday night. we found a 'student' bar with cheap take away beers, and after struggling to make it up to the bar, we finally got some tubørgs and made it out to the street where i sat on the curb chatting with some guys we had taken to be from central or south america. it turns out that they were swedish! between them and the germans, i was some kind of side show being from texas, and after a while it got really old.
eventually mathilde said it was time for her to head home and get some sleep before work in the morning, and i wasn't so into staying with these tourist boys by myself, so we grabbed a taxi home together. come the next morning i somehow managed to have my first real hangover of the trip, though i probably drank the least that night. i woke up around nine, got ready for the day, and then headed over to øosterport to see the danish resistance museum for world war two. it was really well done and very moving, but i couldn't help but laugh when there would be ten lines of danish captions on an exhibit and the english translation would be all of five words. after that, i walked into the nearby church, anglican with pointed arches and all, and then walked around churchillparken for a few minutes, taking in the swans, water lillies, and heaps of tourists. then i walked over to the stork fountain at strøget and waited to meet up with mathilde for lunch (she hadn't gone to work after all).
we grabbed pizza at a little hole in the wall place near a whole strip of secondhand and new age stores which we had dropped into. we then spent the rest of the afternoon shopping, then headed over to nørreport where we stopped at a cafe for a coffee, which turned into another coffee and then a few beers. we ended up running into a few of mathilde's colleagues at the cafe and her friend sara , all of whom were very nice. sara wanted us to stop by her art exhibition, but by the time we had gotten ont o the internet at the hovedbibliothek, it was time to head back to valby, where we got ready for the night in a grant total of five minutes. we then headed to darlings to meet up with stephan, whom mathilde had met at roskilde, and who had graciously offered to take me out for the night. when we got to darlings, leigh was there and he ended up leaving with mathilde for the art exhibition when i left with stephan for vega to see tv on the radio.
stephan and i had a few more drinks (and shots of a honey vodka) before we left for vega, and by the time we got there, the band was already four songs into their set. the crowd was a bit rowdier than i was expecting for this kind of show, but it was rather fun. i got us all the way up to the front, which made stephan ecstatic, and we just danced and danced until the show was over. we headed back to darlings and chatted with anne before we headed to jolene's in the meat packing district, where we met back up with mathilde and leigh. eventually mathilde had to leave again, and i went back with leigh much later in the night. come morning, i was really down and upset and i went back to valby, showered, got dressed, and took a nap before finally making myself get back up around 2.
i found a cafe near the round tower, which turned out to be a lesbian bar, and sat with my latte until i had updated everything about amsterdam. then, i walked around a little bit, and then headed back to valby to meet up with mathilde and to get ready for the farewell party. i was still in an awful mood and almost didn't go to the party but i figured, why not? we stopped at an italian place, and then met up with monty and all of his friends at a pub. minus the fact that most of the guys were going on in danish with no regard for the fact that i was left out (until i made them include me), it was all good fun. i had a few shots, including a round purchased by a really silly group of boys, one of whom later gave me a bouquet of plastic flowers, and i had a few really good conversations about music and the like. all of the nordic names were really giving me a hard time, so between that and the alcohol, most of what i have to show from the night are a bunch of faces and numbers without names attached. after the pub we went ot rust, which was like heaven on earth. i danced with this guy caspar for a long time, and he really wanted to go elsewhere, but louis won out in the end when i didn't want to leave with mathilde around four. i was going to crash with theis but louis (monty's cousin) convinced me i was better served crashing on his couch instead of trying to get back to valby. all of these guys are copenhagen's young elite, and needless to say i felt more than a little out of place in his apartment. i left around a quarter to 2, and then just chatted and watched tv with mathilde until she left around six to go to the festival in jutland. i had all these promises of being shown a good time, but none of them went through, but one night off from drinking wasn't all that bad. it was actually really needed, to be honest. i couldn't afford to go to the hardcore festival with mathilde anyway, so i was better served staying in copenhagen.
i got up at eight on saturday and went to the statens museum for kunst, which was really hard to taken in - there was far too much to try and absorb. from there i went to the king's have at the christiansborg palace, where i think i inadvertently saw some of the guys from the night before. then i climbed up the tower of the kirke near christiania which has stairs you can take all the way up on the outside of the steeple. it was quite terrifying, but the views were unparalleled...you could see all the way to sweden since it was a clear day. then i went to christiania, had a beer and met renee and anas. we had a few drinks, hit up one of the stalls near nemoland and then sat at woodstock before heading to the main square, where a giant show was going on for the world out games. we grabbed pizza from a stall and another beer, then smoked under the ferris wheel and i started to panic. then i headed back to valby around ten after catching a few more bands, still really out of it from all of the hash, wasn't packed, and didn't really want to see monty in this condition, so i stayed home watching reruns of weeds. woke up early this morning, went to københavn station, made my reservation to berlin, but i don't leave until tomorrow, which i am kind of bummed about, but i think that means i will get to see mathilde one more time. i feel like i am wasting my time here today, but i am trying not to dwell on it. each passing days means one less adventure in my travels ahead, which makes me a little sad. i haven't been having the trip i was expecting at all, but it has still been nice. if nothing else, i probably wouldn't be able to afford to stay in copenhagen this long if i had come by myself, so i guess using this opportunity while i have the chance isn't really a waste after all. plus, i love mathilde so so much...i don't want to leave her.
after leaving the train station i went to øosterpark, back to churchillparken, did the tourist-y thing by going to see the little mermaid, walked through kastellet, then down along the canal, past the opera house, and then just happened to be passing through amalianborg palace during the changing of the guards. then i went to the marmorkirken, walked back to strøget, which brings me all the way up to the present - sitting at a cafe, writing. i realize now that i'm missing two events in my recollections - one, some kirken i dropped in during the day that mathilde and i went shopping and two, going out by myself on friday, seeing another out games concert near the round town at the antwerpen stage, and then having a large cappuccino in the square near the nørreport station. those incidents aside, i think my accounts are complete. at the next place i stop to write, it will be time to reflect, not just document.
Showing posts with label intoxication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intoxication. Show all posts
07.23.2009
Amsterdam
So, i am sitting in the service station of centraal (yes, two a's) station waiting to validate my ticket and hopefully get a reservation on a night train to copenhagen. i am a bit worried about time though because i am supposed to meet mathilde and daniel back at the hostel at six, so i either have to stand them up or leave here pretty shortly. this place is way worse than the DMV, by far. i think they have only helped five people in the last twenty minutes, even though there are eight desks open. awesome. well, yesterday all i did was walk, and it was amazing (but exhausting).
i stayed out a bit later than i was expecting on tuesday since i went out with stephen. we went to grab a beer in leidseplein, then it started raining so we just sat there for a bit. eventually richard came and met up with us. i love that he is into music, but i hate that we have no common ground in that regard. we tried to talk about gauges, but the metric system kind of screwed that up, too. we went to soundgarden after that, which i really liked. we passed paradiso on the way, and i looked on amorously. at soundgarden they were supposed to be showing a movie, but we ran into their finnish friend matthias and his friend yana, so we smoked, drank, and then went to this other bar whose name escapes me...but it reminded me of harry potter because it sounded a bit like karkaroff. it was kind of dead, but it was still fun. matthias was way, way, way too drunk and at one point laid down in the street, but it made things much more interesting. well, when he wasn't making fun of me for being texan.
So, i am sitting in the service station of centraal (yes, two a's) station waiting to validate my ticket and hopefully get a reservation on a night train to copenhagen. i am a bit worried about time though because i am supposed to meet mathilde and daniel back at the hostel at six, so i either have to stand them up or leave here pretty shortly. this place is way worse than the DMV, by far. i think they have only helped five people in the last twenty minutes, even though there are eight desks open. awesome. well, yesterday all i did was walk, and it was amazing (but exhausting).
i stayed out a bit later than i was expecting on tuesday since i went out with stephen. we went to grab a beer in leidseplein, then it started raining so we just sat there for a bit. eventually richard came and met up with us. i love that he is into music, but i hate that we have no common ground in that regard. we tried to talk about gauges, but the metric system kind of screwed that up, too. we went to soundgarden after that, which i really liked. we passed paradiso on the way, and i looked on amorously. at soundgarden they were supposed to be showing a movie, but we ran into their finnish friend matthias and his friend yana, so we smoked, drank, and then went to this other bar whose name escapes me...but it reminded me of harry potter because it sounded a bit like karkaroff. it was kind of dead, but it was still fun. matthias was way, way, way too drunk and at one point laid down in the street, but it made things much more interesting. well, when he wasn't making fun of me for being texan.
i'm going to send a little rain your way
i wish...
- i had been able to bring a real camera with me
- i had been able to take pictures during all the sets i saw
- i didn't have to worry about the repercussions of posting these
- i could be honest about my life in this blog like i could be in the past
on recent habits
so, i haven't actually been writing a lot. apparently we are skipping forward an hour tonight (news to me until a couple of hours ago) so being proactive, i started the post before the l juchange. consequently, a blog that will take me about an hour to write, as long as the inspiration lasts that is, will show up two hours later.
work tonight. still just as nervous going in as before, and it haunted me all day.
i woke up, laid around for a bit, stalking tumblrs and flickrs (i guess all the cool sites leave out the -e in the -er(s) endings) and watched the neverending story, or a lot of it, online. i hate fake or dead links, but ultimately i got around to a functioning site. i really want to see good will hunting and xanadu in the near future. maybe i should start a netflix account.
i finally finished eggers, so now on to some c.s. lewis and maybe some albee - i'm not sure if i'm up for that though. i need something uplifting, not horribly depressing exploration of human nature at the moment. it is bad enough exploring the inside of my thoughts.
ray came into work last night. i didn't see him, and then i saw him left and right. that, plus webb, is too much. i have to quit. i can't work there anymore. it isn't a matter of failing, but a matter of my sanity. i am still failing, and it will seem that way to everyone, but i'm quitting before i go crazy. i can't knowingly bring more panic attacks into my daily life. andrew is really cool about everything, but he really tries so hard to keep me around. i just don't think i can do it.
work tonight. still just as nervous going in as before, and it haunted me all day.
i woke up, laid around for a bit, stalking tumblrs and flickrs (i guess all the cool sites leave out the -e in the -er(s) endings) and watched the neverending story, or a lot of it, online. i hate fake or dead links, but ultimately i got around to a functioning site. i really want to see good will hunting and xanadu in the near future. maybe i should start a netflix account.
i finally finished eggers, so now on to some c.s. lewis and maybe some albee - i'm not sure if i'm up for that though. i need something uplifting, not horribly depressing exploration of human nature at the moment. it is bad enough exploring the inside of my thoughts.
ray came into work last night. i didn't see him, and then i saw him left and right. that, plus webb, is too much. i have to quit. i can't work there anymore. it isn't a matter of failing, but a matter of my sanity. i am still failing, and it will seem that way to everyone, but i'm quitting before i go crazy. i can't knowingly bring more panic attacks into my daily life. andrew is really cool about everything, but he really tries so hard to keep me around. i just don't think i can do it.
outline of a weekend
i guess i feel obligated to talk about my weekend.
thursday, i had chapter for the first time in a long time. i hate how my days are segmented. junior seminar from nine until ten, seneca from ten until eleven fifteen, archaeology from two forty five until four, and then chapter at six. this thursday, however, i also was supposed to go to one to one studios at nine to meet josh hailey. allison purves was also looking into the internship, so we headed over together.
i felt like a complete outsider, and being sober as the only stranger in a room full of people who know each other is kind of unnerving. especially when the person who is the reason you are there has not arrived yet. we chatted a bit about our semesters and growing discomfort in a new environment, but i think i felt a bit more at ease once the music started.
i ended up seeing a good number of people i knew, including jeff, one of my favorite regulars when i still worked at starbucks, the new religious studies teacher who stole meagan malone's identity, grant, who i had still not seen since i was back, melanie, and erin (though i'm not sure of the spelling on the last two). met josh and a few other people, and ultimately our out was granted when the guy working the door said we should just come back during the day some time and we had more work to do, so we headed back. martha left right as i was getting back on campus, and since we didn't sync up i kind of abandoned her. i just ended up hanging out with sam and james and listening to a file i got with a pretty amazing little diddy in it.
went to sleep, woke up to study for greek at 730, finished my roman legacy reading for friday a good chunk of monday's reading during the hour i had to kill after finishing studying and my class at ten. greek and roman legacy both went really well, and i finally feel like i'm getting my ~groove back in the classroom. i'm not as intimidating walking in every day, which is nice. then kava for a while with martha, whitney, april, david and jordan. then back to april's room for a bit, then i tried to escape for a nap, only to be talked into studying outside with sam. i finished the rest of my livy reading, then went back, took a short nap, then reuben's with martha and april. irene was working, so we chatted with her for a bit, too.
got dressed, then april came over and we drank a bit before melanie and martha came to pick us up. we went to martin's, which was dead, and only stayed for a little while before heading over to fenian's, which was packed. travis' band was playing, and a ton of people turned out. the crowd definitely thinned out as the night went on, and we were there until last call. stephanie, her boyfriend, and whitney's friend from home, rob, where there, too. it was really a good time, though i was pretty quiet. i kind of talked to april about why i am so quiet these days, and i think it helped being able to chat about it. i don't want to hide behind alcohol to be social, so i'm trying to ease myself back into the situation, and so far, so good. i saw kevin, jimmy, a bunch of old people i would always see around the lambda chi house, and josh downer. stephanie drove april and i back to campus after we walked to ava's, where i finally called it a night. i woke up at 7:30, again, and sat around on the computer and watching tv until i finally fell back asleep around 9:30. slept until around eleven, when april called to go to waffle house with whitney.
i have only been to waffle house twice before in my life, so i guess this was the charmed third time. ava showed up as we were finishing up, so we all just chatted about the night before and our day ahead. gas, beer, and a liquor run later, april and i headed back to whitney's to watch the memphis/tennessee game. it wasn't showing on tv, so rob rigged the computer up to the tv to stream it online. it took a bit more effort than it was worth, however. josh downer texted me about meeting for coffee, which had completely slipped my mind, but i was stuck at the apartment since i hadn't driven there. after the game, april, ava, and i headed back home, where i checked my e-mail only to leave shortly thereafter for thai food.
james had never had thai food before, so it was an interesting experience. the thai iced tea, which was basically bubble tea minus the boba, was fantastic. we went to bops afterwards, since i always tend to get ice cream after thai food for some odd reason, and then back to the room. then i sat in my room, listening to all-american rejects, blonde redhead, and fleet foxes on shuffle, haha. i decided not to go back to whitney's for margaritas, which was probably a solid choice with the red curry and strawberry cheesecake concrete in my stomach. i don't have much of a stomach for tequila these days anyway. except trudy's margaritas. those are the shit. lethal, but amazing.
i passed out, woke up at 10:45, really confused, watched supernatural online, and then went back to sleep. i woke up again at 5:45 and at 8, then finally went back to sleep until 10. i read for a while, started getting my life organized in latin and greek (a different binder for my word lists, and a notebook for my notes. class discussion, and bits of translation - it will be SO much better now). i had an amazing bagel for lunch, then nick came over with coffee at around 1:30. just sat around, listening to mae, laying in bed, tenatively trying to figure out if we have any common ground in music. not knowing jimmy eat world is going to be a problem. and he will have to start to love andrew, or it is a no go. or at least be quiet about it if he hates it. i hate meeting new people when i know we share little to no middle ground. i gravitate towards different things than he does, and if you know me at all, i hardly talk about anything other than my music, so if we don't share it - it will be a problem.
he stayed until about 4:30, when i started updating on here, trying to sift through old memo pads. then hang out in sam's room, caf, then back here where i have been bumming around online for far too long. i was trying to cling on to the haze as i slowly slipped into clarity, and now the caffeine is finally cutting through the fog. time for greek, i suppose.
another day, another update.
thursday, i had chapter for the first time in a long time. i hate how my days are segmented. junior seminar from nine until ten, seneca from ten until eleven fifteen, archaeology from two forty five until four, and then chapter at six. this thursday, however, i also was supposed to go to one to one studios at nine to meet josh hailey. allison purves was also looking into the internship, so we headed over together.
i felt like a complete outsider, and being sober as the only stranger in a room full of people who know each other is kind of unnerving. especially when the person who is the reason you are there has not arrived yet. we chatted a bit about our semesters and growing discomfort in a new environment, but i think i felt a bit more at ease once the music started.
i ended up seeing a good number of people i knew, including jeff, one of my favorite regulars when i still worked at starbucks, the new religious studies teacher who stole meagan malone's identity, grant, who i had still not seen since i was back, melanie, and erin (though i'm not sure of the spelling on the last two). met josh and a few other people, and ultimately our out was granted when the guy working the door said we should just come back during the day some time and we had more work to do, so we headed back. martha left right as i was getting back on campus, and since we didn't sync up i kind of abandoned her. i just ended up hanging out with sam and james and listening to a file i got with a pretty amazing little diddy in it.
went to sleep, woke up to study for greek at 730, finished my roman legacy reading for friday a good chunk of monday's reading during the hour i had to kill after finishing studying and my class at ten. greek and roman legacy both went really well, and i finally feel like i'm getting my ~groove back in the classroom. i'm not as intimidating walking in every day, which is nice. then kava for a while with martha, whitney, april, david and jordan. then back to april's room for a bit, then i tried to escape for a nap, only to be talked into studying outside with sam. i finished the rest of my livy reading, then went back, took a short nap, then reuben's with martha and april. irene was working, so we chatted with her for a bit, too.
got dressed, then april came over and we drank a bit before melanie and martha came to pick us up. we went to martin's, which was dead, and only stayed for a little while before heading over to fenian's, which was packed. travis' band was playing, and a ton of people turned out. the crowd definitely thinned out as the night went on, and we were there until last call. stephanie, her boyfriend, and whitney's friend from home, rob, where there, too. it was really a good time, though i was pretty quiet. i kind of talked to april about why i am so quiet these days, and i think it helped being able to chat about it. i don't want to hide behind alcohol to be social, so i'm trying to ease myself back into the situation, and so far, so good. i saw kevin, jimmy, a bunch of old people i would always see around the lambda chi house, and josh downer. stephanie drove april and i back to campus after we walked to ava's, where i finally called it a night. i woke up at 7:30, again, and sat around on the computer and watching tv until i finally fell back asleep around 9:30. slept until around eleven, when april called to go to waffle house with whitney.
i have only been to waffle house twice before in my life, so i guess this was the charmed third time. ava showed up as we were finishing up, so we all just chatted about the night before and our day ahead. gas, beer, and a liquor run later, april and i headed back to whitney's to watch the memphis/tennessee game. it wasn't showing on tv, so rob rigged the computer up to the tv to stream it online. it took a bit more effort than it was worth, however. josh downer texted me about meeting for coffee, which had completely slipped my mind, but i was stuck at the apartment since i hadn't driven there. after the game, april, ava, and i headed back home, where i checked my e-mail only to leave shortly thereafter for thai food.
james had never had thai food before, so it was an interesting experience. the thai iced tea, which was basically bubble tea minus the boba, was fantastic. we went to bops afterwards, since i always tend to get ice cream after thai food for some odd reason, and then back to the room. then i sat in my room, listening to all-american rejects, blonde redhead, and fleet foxes on shuffle, haha. i decided not to go back to whitney's for margaritas, which was probably a solid choice with the red curry and strawberry cheesecake concrete in my stomach. i don't have much of a stomach for tequila these days anyway. except trudy's margaritas. those are the shit. lethal, but amazing.
i passed out, woke up at 10:45, really confused, watched supernatural online, and then went back to sleep. i woke up again at 5:45 and at 8, then finally went back to sleep until 10. i read for a while, started getting my life organized in latin and greek (a different binder for my word lists, and a notebook for my notes. class discussion, and bits of translation - it will be SO much better now). i had an amazing bagel for lunch, then nick came over with coffee at around 1:30. just sat around, listening to mae, laying in bed, tenatively trying to figure out if we have any common ground in music. not knowing jimmy eat world is going to be a problem. and he will have to start to love andrew, or it is a no go. or at least be quiet about it if he hates it. i hate meeting new people when i know we share little to no middle ground. i gravitate towards different things than he does, and if you know me at all, i hardly talk about anything other than my music, so if we don't share it - it will be a problem.
he stayed until about 4:30, when i started updating on here, trying to sift through old memo pads. then hang out in sam's room, caf, then back here where i have been bumming around online for far too long. i was trying to cling on to the haze as i slowly slipped into clarity, and now the caffeine is finally cutting through the fog. time for greek, i suppose.
another day, another update.
now something in my soul just cries
alcohol makes me hate my life much more than is necessary. every thought brings an onslaught of tears that are unwarranted or unnecessary. even just considering the words of my last sentence makes me feel awful, makes me want to cry.
when i saw you standing there
i about fell out of my chair
and when you moved your mouth to speak
i felt the blood go to my feet.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
you told yourself years ago
you'd never let your feelings show
the obligation that you made
for the title that they gave.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way thati want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
now something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
aw, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want to
if you'd only let it be.
i about fell out of my chair
and when you moved your mouth to speak
i felt the blood go to my feet.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
you told yourself years ago
you'd never let your feelings show
the obligation that you made
for the title that they gave.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way thati want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
now something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.
baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.
aw, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want to
if you'd only let it be.
envelopes stuffed with feelings found, to write this down as means to reconcile.
we ask to look past life as it goes by.
i know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly. . .
i know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.
i know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly. . .
i know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.
i can barely type or text since my right hand is barely functioning. trying to track down my uncle to get some pain pills since my knuckle is definitely broken. first broken bone i've ever had. lame :(
i didn't get the invisible children position. i'm going back to millsaps in the fall. i guess i can't run away from my past. i know if i go back i'm not going to move forward in my life. i'm scared. i'm not ready. i wanted this so bad. words can't even describe.
the alcohol only smudges the pain around the edges. false pretenses. leading on. unfair. the pain continues to grow, the dullness ebbs and fades but grows larger and more imminent in the back of my mind. uncertainty creeps forward and takes away every hint of reason. someone make it better. i can't make it better. not once, but twice the rejection. inadequacy and failure flit around my thoughts making clarity impossible. this was my answer. this was everything i hoped and dreamed about. i've talked my friends' ears off about this, hope was instilled in me from every angle and again that flicker of promise is taken from my eyes the moment it is clearly in focus. one beacon of better circumstance, making a difference...yes there are other ways, but not ways that mean something to me like this does. this was the last chance, and again i do not live up to the standards of those around me. it is hard enough to fail to live up to my own, but to not be good enough for others is unbearable as well. i need solace, and the only person physically here and willing to be that for me...i don't even want to see. hopefully my panic will subdue in no time...but until then - this throbbing, pulsating pain blinds me and clouds my judgment.
i didn't get the invisible children position. i'm going back to millsaps in the fall. i guess i can't run away from my past. i know if i go back i'm not going to move forward in my life. i'm scared. i'm not ready. i wanted this so bad. words can't even describe.
----
the alcohol only smudges the pain around the edges. false pretenses. leading on. unfair. the pain continues to grow, the dullness ebbs and fades but grows larger and more imminent in the back of my mind. uncertainty creeps forward and takes away every hint of reason. someone make it better. i can't make it better. not once, but twice the rejection. inadequacy and failure flit around my thoughts making clarity impossible. this was my answer. this was everything i hoped and dreamed about. i've talked my friends' ears off about this, hope was instilled in me from every angle and again that flicker of promise is taken from my eyes the moment it is clearly in focus. one beacon of better circumstance, making a difference...yes there are other ways, but not ways that mean something to me like this does. this was the last chance, and again i do not live up to the standards of those around me. it is hard enough to fail to live up to my own, but to not be good enough for others is unbearable as well. i need solace, and the only person physically here and willing to be that for me...i don't even want to see. hopefully my panic will subdue in no time...but until then - this throbbing, pulsating pain blinds me and clouds my judgment.
how long will it take you to wake up?
. . .before you go will you wake me?
or i'll sleep all day
miss everything
or i'll sleep all day
miss everything
i'm so bad at this updating thing now. i feel like my life is so busy and the only way to keep my sanity is to spend hours not doing anything, or filling my spare time with sleep instead of trying to document my rambling mind. kirt and i had our first real fight on monday, mostly because i was tired and had no way to call him or get in touch with him to let him know that i really just wanted to spend the day alone. everything ended up working out in the end, but it was upsetting to say the least.
all of my health stuff came through, once and for all monday morning. i am completely healthy. clean slate. start again. if i were atlas, i have finally shrugged off the weight i was forced to carry and i can finally breathe free again. all i wanted to do was sit in reverie, have coffee, watch the sun shine, feel unafraid to let people in - but to just be alone. and i couldn't have that, which led to my mini-meltdown. nothing that a few hours at a record store could not solve.
i don't remember what i did tuesday. wednesday, i worked from 5 to close, had coffee with jess, watched bones with my mom, ate some homemade chili, then headed to kasbah. i got there at 1130, had a beer, and then casey and thomas took me down to hole in the wall for my first legal drink. maya was pulling up as we were walking out, so she joined us. shots that were supposed to put hair on my chest, dos equis pitchers, and a song (aptly named grain alcohol. . .?) dedicated to me by the live jug band and i was drunk. i got a little ill and made kirt drive me back to his apartment - there was no way i was making it down the street, nonetheless back to cedar park.
woke up at 730, went back up to cedar park and tried to sleep for a little more than the three or four hours of drunk slumber i had from the night before. my mom got home at noon from work and took me to the olive garden for lunch. it is always a trip to go back there after working there as long as i did. soup, salad, and breadsticks galore, followed by a strawberry bellini. my mom is so absurd when it comes to alcohol. went and got my hair cut then waited a few minutes for chris to get home to do presents and cake. went and got coffee, then headed down to kirts to go to dinner. i was not hungry at all, however, so we just smoked some hookah at his place, then went to cuatros for drinks. longhorn iced tea, a hesitant sip of kirt's snakebite, a pitcher of woodchuck amber, and some mystery tequila shot from the bar, then over to kasbah. i sobered up and then went over to true blue for my tattoo a couple hours later.
i was also being a bit demanding, and forced kirt to play the beatles instead of country. i guess i was abusing my birthday privileges. i was at true blue for quite a bit, simply because i was not in a rush and neither was my artist. mike wasn't working, but jon reed did it for me. if i'm not lazy, i will take a picture of it tomorrow. short, simple, sweet - i love it. i can't wait to get my next piece done, i just haven't put the time into planning the exact execution of the design yet. went back to kasbah and nic, zoe, liz, kyle, austin, gary, and kadie were all there. it was cold as hell, so i kind of rotated groups, but i was so so tired, i went back to kirts place at around 1230. fell asleep around 1, and woke up at 2 to go back and pick him up. i felt great before i went to sleep, completely sobered up, and then when i woke up i felt like hell. i couldn't throw up, but i would have felt better if i could have and i could not go to sleep either - i was miserable and shaking. i guess that is what i get for a getting a tattoo on an empty stomach. ultimately, that is the only explanation that is in any way rational.
woke up at 1030 the next day, went home, read harry potter for a few hours, then went to work at 5, still not feeling great. i had a lot of fun working with kait and jess, and then we all headed to trudy's after work. we got there and there was a bit of a wait, so we just went to chili's for some girly drinks instead. it was better off that way after all, considering jess and i were with liz and kait who are both clearly under age. i just had a strawberry daquiri, then got suckered into this huge margarita that our cute waiter convinced me would be a good idea to have. way bigger in real life than it was in the picture - and i'm not one for tequila, particularly on the rocks. everything i drank, including some kick ass whiskey later that night still tasted of tequila. went up to kasbah and just chilled - it was super crowded because everyone and their mom decided to come into town.
i left at about half past one to drive home and get some rest before i had to open in the morning. there was stupid construction on the toll road that stopped traffic dead for twenty minutes (i was being paranoid and thought it was a road block for a little while) and finally i had to go five miles out of the way to get back to my house since they closed exits without any kind of notice.
work was kind of busy and went by pretty fast. ian brought me coffee, which pepped me up substantially, and i had a nice, hearty serving of breakfast pizza that morning (crescent roll crust, no sauce, eggs, sausage, and cheese for those of you not well-versed in the awesome buckler family tradition) and got my last, and best, present from my dad since he finally made it back down from dallas. i have my own gps now, which is the amazing - i get lost every where i go if i am going off memory or gut instinct. i'm so stoked about it :)
i came home from work and tried to dig through my winter clothes to find something acceptable to wear in this crazy, freakishly cold weather that has recently invaded central texas. took a shower, then went to outback with my family. ate way too much, like always, came home and took a forty five minute nap, then headed to kasbah to meet up with jamey and casey and head downtown. we ended up heading out around midnight after chilling and smoking for a while. again, it was packed with people and there wasn't anywhere to sit. i was definitely the odd one out - the only girl in a room of at least a dozen guys, and it wasn't much different when we headed out. we took two cars, listened to nofx as casey drove and i snooped through his cds - a favorite pastime of mine in anyone's car. we started off at maggie mae's which was pretty cool. i am definitely not into the bar scene by any means, so it was different but fun. thomas and everyone he was with took a bit longer to get there, so they played catch up and then we headed over to fuel.
fuel was an experience. i was a little tipsy by the time we got there, but the guys knew someone who works there from kasbah, who let us in and got us drinks. fuel is kind of a seedy, ghetto, predominantly hispanic hangout and what was playing when we walked in? lil wayne of course. everyone in this place would have fit in perfectly with the crowd at voodoo. i braved the bathroom, which was an experience, and then we headed to the blind pig. we only stayed for a little while, waited for everyone else to meet up with us, then headed to the aquarium to grab a drink before last call. i ran into alexis neal of all people there, which was a trip. we took a picture together, which hopefully will surface at some point.
i refused about half the beer and shots that i was offered during the night, did not pay for a thing, and was still sufficiently intoxicated. went back to kasbah, hung out for what little time was left before close and just acted a fool. i had some good conversation, though brief in most cases, with sam, michelle, and cody during the night which definitely brightened my day. definitely a great night all and all though - and way more fun than i expected my first downtown experience to be.
jamey and his roommate came back to kirts place afterwards, and we had a great time hanging out, listening to music, chatting, and drawing on the couch. they smoked, i didn't, and we had a good time all and all. really interesting conversation about religion and particularly about the finer points of synchronicity versus fate, which made me very happy. . i can't help but smile thinking about jamey following my train of though differentiating between the two. that conversation was in and of itself one of the greater moments where things just click, and it was a great way to pass the time. if you want to hear about this conversation, let me know and i will type up what i remember of it tomorrow - i think it is riveting stuff, but i am not going to spend the time if you aren't interested.
we ended the night with some quality eurovision videos, which was definitely a new experience for jamey, and then went to bed some time between 6 and 7 or so. we started napoleon dynamite, but i fell asleep almost instantly. i woke up at around 10 of my own accord and decided to leave shortly thereafter. i talked to arthur on msn most of the way home, which was especially not wise considering the fog *cough*reignofdementorsdescendinguponaustin*cough* that was hanging in the air, but i enjoyed it.
read a bit, watched tv, slept a tiny bit, then went to lunch at chili's near the outlet mall. i got very ill from the food i ate, and i think i must have been allergic to something in the food i had. went and saw twilight with my sister sarah, and then barely made it home without getting sick again. i spent the rest of the evening trying unsuccessfully to recover from my nausea, slipping in and out of awareness and falling asleep off and on. watched the two hour 24 event, had some pizza, read some more, and here i am. it is time for a shower though, so that's the end of the update for now.
all and all - amazing, amazing, amazing birthday weekend. every night has been phenomenal. i could only ask that i had been able to spend some of that time with my good friends who aren't here in austin. some other time though, soon hopefully. oh, and thank you to the three people who donated money to invisible children for my birthday - $63 just for putting a little application on my page - i highly recommend each of you do the same thing for your own respective birthdays :) good night, and peace.
all of my health stuff came through, once and for all monday morning. i am completely healthy. clean slate. start again. if i were atlas, i have finally shrugged off the weight i was forced to carry and i can finally breathe free again. all i wanted to do was sit in reverie, have coffee, watch the sun shine, feel unafraid to let people in - but to just be alone. and i couldn't have that, which led to my mini-meltdown. nothing that a few hours at a record store could not solve.
i don't remember what i did tuesday. wednesday, i worked from 5 to close, had coffee with jess, watched bones with my mom, ate some homemade chili, then headed to kasbah. i got there at 1130, had a beer, and then casey and thomas took me down to hole in the wall for my first legal drink. maya was pulling up as we were walking out, so she joined us. shots that were supposed to put hair on my chest, dos equis pitchers, and a song (aptly named grain alcohol. . .?) dedicated to me by the live jug band and i was drunk. i got a little ill and made kirt drive me back to his apartment - there was no way i was making it down the street, nonetheless back to cedar park.
woke up at 730, went back up to cedar park and tried to sleep for a little more than the three or four hours of drunk slumber i had from the night before. my mom got home at noon from work and took me to the olive garden for lunch. it is always a trip to go back there after working there as long as i did. soup, salad, and breadsticks galore, followed by a strawberry bellini. my mom is so absurd when it comes to alcohol. went and got my hair cut then waited a few minutes for chris to get home to do presents and cake. went and got coffee, then headed down to kirts to go to dinner. i was not hungry at all, however, so we just smoked some hookah at his place, then went to cuatros for drinks. longhorn iced tea, a hesitant sip of kirt's snakebite, a pitcher of woodchuck amber, and some mystery tequila shot from the bar, then over to kasbah. i sobered up and then went over to true blue for my tattoo a couple hours later.
i was also being a bit demanding, and forced kirt to play the beatles instead of country. i guess i was abusing my birthday privileges. i was at true blue for quite a bit, simply because i was not in a rush and neither was my artist. mike wasn't working, but jon reed did it for me. if i'm not lazy, i will take a picture of it tomorrow. short, simple, sweet - i love it. i can't wait to get my next piece done, i just haven't put the time into planning the exact execution of the design yet. went back to kasbah and nic, zoe, liz, kyle, austin, gary, and kadie were all there. it was cold as hell, so i kind of rotated groups, but i was so so tired, i went back to kirts place at around 1230. fell asleep around 1, and woke up at 2 to go back and pick him up. i felt great before i went to sleep, completely sobered up, and then when i woke up i felt like hell. i couldn't throw up, but i would have felt better if i could have and i could not go to sleep either - i was miserable and shaking. i guess that is what i get for a getting a tattoo on an empty stomach. ultimately, that is the only explanation that is in any way rational.
woke up at 1030 the next day, went home, read harry potter for a few hours, then went to work at 5, still not feeling great. i had a lot of fun working with kait and jess, and then we all headed to trudy's after work. we got there and there was a bit of a wait, so we just went to chili's for some girly drinks instead. it was better off that way after all, considering jess and i were with liz and kait who are both clearly under age. i just had a strawberry daquiri, then got suckered into this huge margarita that our cute waiter convinced me would be a good idea to have. way bigger in real life than it was in the picture - and i'm not one for tequila, particularly on the rocks. everything i drank, including some kick ass whiskey later that night still tasted of tequila. went up to kasbah and just chilled - it was super crowded because everyone and their mom decided to come into town.
i left at about half past one to drive home and get some rest before i had to open in the morning. there was stupid construction on the toll road that stopped traffic dead for twenty minutes (i was being paranoid and thought it was a road block for a little while) and finally i had to go five miles out of the way to get back to my house since they closed exits without any kind of notice.
work was kind of busy and went by pretty fast. ian brought me coffee, which pepped me up substantially, and i had a nice, hearty serving of breakfast pizza that morning (crescent roll crust, no sauce, eggs, sausage, and cheese for those of you not well-versed in the awesome buckler family tradition) and got my last, and best, present from my dad since he finally made it back down from dallas. i have my own gps now, which is the amazing - i get lost every where i go if i am going off memory or gut instinct. i'm so stoked about it :)
i came home from work and tried to dig through my winter clothes to find something acceptable to wear in this crazy, freakishly cold weather that has recently invaded central texas. took a shower, then went to outback with my family. ate way too much, like always, came home and took a forty five minute nap, then headed to kasbah to meet up with jamey and casey and head downtown. we ended up heading out around midnight after chilling and smoking for a while. again, it was packed with people and there wasn't anywhere to sit. i was definitely the odd one out - the only girl in a room of at least a dozen guys, and it wasn't much different when we headed out. we took two cars, listened to nofx as casey drove and i snooped through his cds - a favorite pastime of mine in anyone's car. we started off at maggie mae's which was pretty cool. i am definitely not into the bar scene by any means, so it was different but fun. thomas and everyone he was with took a bit longer to get there, so they played catch up and then we headed over to fuel.
fuel was an experience. i was a little tipsy by the time we got there, but the guys knew someone who works there from kasbah, who let us in and got us drinks. fuel is kind of a seedy, ghetto, predominantly hispanic hangout and what was playing when we walked in? lil wayne of course. everyone in this place would have fit in perfectly with the crowd at voodoo. i braved the bathroom, which was an experience, and then we headed to the blind pig. we only stayed for a little while, waited for everyone else to meet up with us, then headed to the aquarium to grab a drink before last call. i ran into alexis neal of all people there, which was a trip. we took a picture together, which hopefully will surface at some point.
i refused about half the beer and shots that i was offered during the night, did not pay for a thing, and was still sufficiently intoxicated. went back to kasbah, hung out for what little time was left before close and just acted a fool. i had some good conversation, though brief in most cases, with sam, michelle, and cody during the night which definitely brightened my day. definitely a great night all and all though - and way more fun than i expected my first downtown experience to be.
jamey and his roommate came back to kirts place afterwards, and we had a great time hanging out, listening to music, chatting, and drawing on the couch. they smoked, i didn't, and we had a good time all and all. really interesting conversation about religion and particularly about the finer points of synchronicity versus fate, which made me very happy. . i can't help but smile thinking about jamey following my train of though differentiating between the two. that conversation was in and of itself one of the greater moments where things just click, and it was a great way to pass the time. if you want to hear about this conversation, let me know and i will type up what i remember of it tomorrow - i think it is riveting stuff, but i am not going to spend the time if you aren't interested.
we ended the night with some quality eurovision videos, which was definitely a new experience for jamey, and then went to bed some time between 6 and 7 or so. we started napoleon dynamite, but i fell asleep almost instantly. i woke up at around 10 of my own accord and decided to leave shortly thereafter. i talked to arthur on msn most of the way home, which was especially not wise considering the fog *cough*reignofdementorsdescendinguponaustin*cough* that was hanging in the air, but i enjoyed it.
read a bit, watched tv, slept a tiny bit, then went to lunch at chili's near the outlet mall. i got very ill from the food i ate, and i think i must have been allergic to something in the food i had. went and saw twilight with my sister sarah, and then barely made it home without getting sick again. i spent the rest of the evening trying unsuccessfully to recover from my nausea, slipping in and out of awareness and falling asleep off and on. watched the two hour 24 event, had some pizza, read some more, and here i am. it is time for a shower though, so that's the end of the update for now.
all and all - amazing, amazing, amazing birthday weekend. every night has been phenomenal. i could only ask that i had been able to spend some of that time with my good friends who aren't here in austin. some other time though, soon hopefully. oh, and thank you to the three people who donated money to invisible children for my birthday - $63 just for putting a little application on my page - i highly recommend each of you do the same thing for your own respective birthdays :) good night, and peace.
now i'm of consenting age, to be forgetting you in a cabaret. . .
some days go by, i wish i was famous
or maybe religious, so i could go to heaven
just like you
i can have a big house, complain about taxes
payoff my ex'es, ain't that living
no one makes fun of me, cause i can't stand up for myself (or because i cross my legs like a girl)
woah, 21 and invincible
woah, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
guess today's gonna blow us away
i've got a girlfriend
she tells me she needs me
and she loves me
we'll probably get married
oh no, and everyone will bite their tongues so hard they'll bleed
when mom hears this song
she'll tell me i'm crazy
and she'll say to me
"son you're much too young, go have some fun
don't waste your youth like i did"
and woah, 21 and invincible
woah, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away
and it's been autumn since the day that i met you
if i hit bottom must i crawl out alone?
and i don't wish to know the secrets of summer at all
and woah, 21 and invincible
woah, can't wait to fuck this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
or maybe religious, so i could go to heaven
just like you
i can have a big house, complain about taxes
payoff my ex'es, ain't that living
no one makes fun of me, cause i can't stand up for myself (or because i cross my legs like a girl)
woah, 21 and invincible
woah, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
guess today's gonna blow us away
i've got a girlfriend
she tells me she needs me
and she loves me
we'll probably get married
oh no, and everyone will bite their tongues so hard they'll bleed
when mom hears this song
she'll tell me i'm crazy
and she'll say to me
"son you're much too young, go have some fun
don't waste your youth like i did"
and woah, 21 and invincible
woah, can't wait to screw this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away
and it's been autumn since the day that i met you
if i hit bottom must i crawl out alone?
and i don't wish to know the secrets of summer at all
and woah, 21 and invincible
woah, can't wait to fuck this up
and woah, 21 and invincible
i'm in power for the hour
i guess today's gonna blow us away
. . .that is all :)
so what's the point in sleeping
monday october 20th.
i worked from five to nine thirty, came home and changed, then headed down to kasbah. chris and jess both came and met up with me, which was cool. chris got there a bit later, differential equations homework in hand, and i think he ended up having a good time. of course everyone was trying to milk embarassing stories out of him since he is my brother and all, but he didn't really budge. quite the night of revelations.
at one point chris and gary started geeking out about math, physics, and all kinds of science fiction-esque implications. i tried to tune it out but it was difficult. jessica only stayed for a little while, she had a lot of work to do, which is understandable. sometimes i forget that i am the only one with a seemingly indefinite amount of free time...that i somehow manage to waste away on nonsense or sleep most of the time.
i used to blame my constant comatose state on my medication, which certainly didn't help, but i have no energy. ever. i'm sure becoming dependent on caffeine doesn't help the good fight, but it is frustrating. i could sleep all day, wake up for an hour, be tired, and sleep another day away. it is unbelievable. sometimes i wonder if it is neurological. it doesn't get any better, even when i am not sleep deprived for weeks on end. it is perplexing.
went to kerbey lane, but it was closed for cleaning or some nonsense. since when is kerbey lane ever closed? so we drove through whataburger instead, which of course reminded me of sam. mmmm honey butter chicken biscuits. the best late night snack, ever. you take what you can get in jackson. not too many choices or options around late at night when you are in desperate need of something to eat.
friday night a bunch of people came in town, so i met a ton of kirt's friends, which was kind of overwhelming. jess and i stayed for a bit, but we ducked out pretty soon after the party had moved back to kirt's place. i have never seen so many people in such a small place. crazy. it has really been too long to recall individual conversations, but i instantly hit it off with jamey and we chatted about music and whatnot.
oh man, this is all blending together...i dont remember one night from the other. i guess this is what i get for procrastinating. every night involved some form of not getting enough sleep, being downtown, and probably kirts place.
one night we busted out the external hard drive, which was sweet. lots of good music. almost an infinite number of choices.
i also don't think i ever wrote about seeing the rocket summer. it blew my mind. i have reached a point where the rocket summer means more to me than jack's mannequin. i can listen to any song on do you feel ad nauseam...without ever reaching the getting sick part. as sam so eloquently put it "i love andrew and he's fabulous but he appeals to people who need justification for a depressing time. he tells them its okay and that good times are coming. bryce is just like shut up and quit whining! happy is the ONLY way to be." which is so true.
i'm going to get a new tattoo somehow incorporating the line "the colors my eyes have never seen, well, i am seeing now" and cherry blossoms. placement and design aren't definitive yet, but i'm working on it.
i really can't untangle each night from the next. oh well. it was all happiness interspersed with the occasional change in scenery. that is all that matters.
i worked from five to nine thirty, came home and changed, then headed down to kasbah. chris and jess both came and met up with me, which was cool. chris got there a bit later, differential equations homework in hand, and i think he ended up having a good time. of course everyone was trying to milk embarassing stories out of him since he is my brother and all, but he didn't really budge. quite the night of revelations.
at one point chris and gary started geeking out about math, physics, and all kinds of science fiction-esque implications. i tried to tune it out but it was difficult. jessica only stayed for a little while, she had a lot of work to do, which is understandable. sometimes i forget that i am the only one with a seemingly indefinite amount of free time...that i somehow manage to waste away on nonsense or sleep most of the time.
i used to blame my constant comatose state on my medication, which certainly didn't help, but i have no energy. ever. i'm sure becoming dependent on caffeine doesn't help the good fight, but it is frustrating. i could sleep all day, wake up for an hour, be tired, and sleep another day away. it is unbelievable. sometimes i wonder if it is neurological. it doesn't get any better, even when i am not sleep deprived for weeks on end. it is perplexing.
went to kerbey lane, but it was closed for cleaning or some nonsense. since when is kerbey lane ever closed? so we drove through whataburger instead, which of course reminded me of sam. mmmm honey butter chicken biscuits. the best late night snack, ever. you take what you can get in jackson. not too many choices or options around late at night when you are in desperate need of something to eat.
friday night a bunch of people came in town, so i met a ton of kirt's friends, which was kind of overwhelming. jess and i stayed for a bit, but we ducked out pretty soon after the party had moved back to kirt's place. i have never seen so many people in such a small place. crazy. it has really been too long to recall individual conversations, but i instantly hit it off with jamey and we chatted about music and whatnot.
oh man, this is all blending together...i dont remember one night from the other. i guess this is what i get for procrastinating. every night involved some form of not getting enough sleep, being downtown, and probably kirts place.
one night we busted out the external hard drive, which was sweet. lots of good music. almost an infinite number of choices.
i also don't think i ever wrote about seeing the rocket summer. it blew my mind. i have reached a point where the rocket summer means more to me than jack's mannequin. i can listen to any song on do you feel ad nauseam...without ever reaching the getting sick part. as sam so eloquently put it "i love andrew and he's fabulous but he appeals to people who need justification for a depressing time. he tells them its okay and that good times are coming. bryce is just like shut up and quit whining! happy is the ONLY way to be." which is so true.
i'm going to get a new tattoo somehow incorporating the line "the colors my eyes have never seen, well, i am seeing now" and cherry blossoms. placement and design aren't definitive yet, but i'm working on it.
i really can't untangle each night from the next. oh well. it was all happiness interspersed with the occasional change in scenery. that is all that matters.
we could float away on a bumble bee in my dream
on the eastern shore
the ocean was all i came for. . .
everything is gonna change
everything is gonna change
for good.
the ocean was all i came for. . .
everything is gonna change
everything is gonna change
for good.
so, last night was very unexpected. this guy who works at kasbah, which is the hookah bar im beginning to frequent for all of you who haven't kept up, messaged me on facebook about meeting up thursday night after he got off at 2. coincidentally, i was already going to be downtown, so it worked out perfectly.
left my house around 845 and stopped by 7 eleven for a big gulp of sunkist to go with my kitron and a pack of camel lights. on a whim i called up kaitlin as a last ditch effort to get some shit together, to no avail. she was over at hot wok though, waiting for jess to get off, so i said i would head over once i left the gas station.
got over there, and missy was working...which was awkward considering the hell i gave her the other day about being irresponsible. jess, kait and myself chatted for a bit and i let them try my precious kitron...i really only have enough for one more good night, marking the end of an era. greek good arent exactly easy to come by. maybe one day ill get to go back.
after a bit, i headed out so that i wouldnt have to rush downtown. feeling pretty good, but exceedingly nervous, i smoked a cigarette, letting the cool night breeze float by my insubstantially and settled into some at the drive-in.
it finally feels like fall, and i cant help but be hopeful with all this death and decay inevitably to come. i know that sounds backwards, but its not- it is almoost cathartic. unlike a lot of places where the life of summer is sent away in the blink of an eye, it is slow and drawn out here in texas. nature tries to fight itself out, raging during the day with the heat of intensity and admitting defeat with winters cold embrace at dusk. falling backwards through progress, submitting to the unavoidable...it is calming to know that even in nature, beautiful perfection is transient.
arrived downtown with my traffic and no frustration and parked off trinity. it was my first time going to the parish, and i knew it was between san jacinto and brazos and i would have missed it if it werent for all the scene kids standing outside.
got there just in time for jonezetta's sound check, so i didn't miss any of their set this time around. they put on a really great, high energy show through the whole set that had me smiling and tapping along with the infectious beats. i couldnt help but enjoy myself, and i would like then in their own right whether or not i knew alex.
shiny toy guns was up next ( i missed the delta fiasco, from liverpool, who played first) and again, i was impressed. it might not exactly be my cup of tea, but i had a damn good time. i think jonezetta fits in much better with shiny toy guns than they did with meg & dia, much more in the same vein and energy. all and all, it was really great.
didnt see alex at all until i was leaving and he told me to swing by merch. i cant get over how tall robert and tyler are....they tower over me. robert had a sweet stache going on, i was feeling it. definitely added tobthe whole lumberjack vibe. tyler is probably one of the most sincere people i have ever met- you cant help but believe the words and sentiments behind that smile are genuine.
headed over to kasbah a bit after midnight, drove through taco bell for a big drink, and met up with a much larger crowd than i had been expecting. apparently kevin picked up some girls at the we the kings show, which was hilarious. side note: he actually texted me to see if i was going to emos last night and then tried to act like he was in the ~know about shows or some shit like that, when i was the one who told him they were coming through town. he bought a purple shirt, which he probably thought would make him cool, and dragged along a bunch of younger, marginally skanky girls, one of whom i personally knew through taylor. surprised to see them? yes. surprised they were with kevin? no. disgusted? yes.
austin, kyle, wes, big josh and little josh were all there. i also finally got to met katie, who was really funny and cool. james and a bunch of guys who i dont remember ever having met showed up, and caused a ruckus. they were extremely obnoxious, but wes, austin, katie, kyle and big josh were all cool. kirt came and sat with us every now and then, but he was really intent on getting closed up and everyone out of there, for which i was very grateful.
the group finally left bit by bit, unfortunately leaving the mass of douche bags as the lone stragglers. eventually it was just big josh and i, but he left when everyone was kicked out at 2. i went and sat with nic, zoe, tyler, and gary up on the porch. it was my first time meeting tyler, and my first time officially meeting gary.
i love that whole group, they remind me a bit of the dynamic in birmingham. all very new age, astrologically and seemingly spiritually driven. its almost intoxicating to be surrounded by so much positivity and trust in karmic and astrological understanding. and open mindedness is always inviting.
i tried to have gary determine what animal i was, and he was torn between rabbit and tiger. i told him i was a rabbit, and after talking to me for a bit he said he should have known i was a rabbit- apparently i fit its characteristics perfectly. everyone is always so turned off by the fact that im a scorpio, though barely, but gary thought that the rabbit and scorpio have a lot of potentially for melding well. so, cosmically, maybe i stand a chance of being.
kirt, tyler, zoe, nic and myself all headed back to kirts place where we chilled and listened/watched music on youtube. everything from ratatat, lil wayne, aesop rock, mgmt and the notorious b.i.g.
we had a really good time, and ultimately i stayed up til almost dawn. unlike kirt, i dont usually stay up until the sun comes up, and i finally passed out watching juno around six something. i wouldnt say i really slept, i was restless as hell and constantly waking every few minutes.
im really hesitant to get involved with another scorpio...it is great now, but i know it will end poorly. it feels so much the same...but i dont think it is any wiser to deprive myself of this opportunity to be happy. i guess the cards will fall where they may.
i rested for a bit when i got home a bit after 9, and then watched dirty sexy money and private practice with my mom. hesitantly i went into work at 330, sure that i wouldnt last through my shift. but here i am, forty five minutes from walking out the door. having two separate starbucks runs definitely helped.
my whole family is at cedar park's homecoming right now, so im on my own for dinner, which gives me the excuse to call it a night early. i work from open to close tomorrow, so i need to make sure that i have enough rest to make it. it has been a while since i had to pull a double.
oh, on a final note, i finally recalled what it was that kept slipping my mind in one of my last blogs. in the last six years, i can only remember with certainty one occasion during which i was happy for more than a day or two at a time. the longest stretch, and the most tempting and rewarding, lasted merely a week. it seemed like everything was within sight, and it was that bliss that made it that much harder to let go.
i hardly smile anymore and its a rare gift to hear myself laugh. i used to giggle at everything, and now i can hardly find that old part of me at all. i need some prolonged break, for someone to save me from myself these days, but i feel more at ease with these new individuals that have stumbled unexpectedly into my life. kevin, if i can thank you for one thing- it is that you introduced me to all these great people, by chance, and that maybe i will be the better for it.
here's to the fast times, the nights we felt alive - to all the nights that we forgot to come back home
by some act of god, i rolled out of bed at 545 after less than an hour and a half of sleep. got packed and on the road fairly quickly, and the journey began. this ride was much less eventful, and the sun actually came up. it was beautiful.
when i woke up, i was definitely not one hundred percent. could i see straight? yes. could i walk straight? no. was driving potentially a bad idea? definite possibility. it happened any way. grabbed some coffee, breakfast, and gas out in clinton and tried to start my drive with the best possible attitude. my barista at starbucks looked really familiar too, it was strange. random, i know. coffee is my vice of choice. smoking comes and goes. i realize i have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. but coffee is always there. when im down, what do i turn to? a nice cup of coffee. when i need something to do? go to a coffee shop. getting up early? coffee. staying up late? more coffee. going to work? you guessed it, coffee. my life revolves around coffee - it is my necessity, and is also my economic indicator of choice. i could judge everything based on my frappucino, tea, or lattes.
i played a lot of the same cds i listened to on the way over - 1, because it was easier than changing them all out and 2, because they would help keep me awake. i don't remember what i started with, but up second was something corporate's leaving through the window. much more energy-inspiring than north, and the sun came up in perfect harmony with i woke up in a car. between tracks 2 and 4 i finally felt sobered up and i really opened by eyes to see the day for the first time. would you believe me if i said i crossed the louisiana border with the beginning of the track? synchronicity at work folks. wish i could make it up...but i really woke up in my car, did not trace away the fog, but saw the mississippi on her knees. sometimes i feel like i stage this kind of thing...but i don't. i swear...as unreal as it seems.
time for more coffee...only a few hours in. i stopped in shreveport, and walked in a stupor into a starbucks. i ordered a frappucino and started going into my whole light whip, non fat milk, no classic syrup spiel...only to be greeted with great confusion. i forget that they don't do the whole create-your-own frappucino everywhere. thank god for that. i love the old frappucinos with good old frapp-base the best.
funny note: spell check annoys me... and i hate when words are underlined. what does the blogger.com dictionary suggest in place of frappucino? cappuccino, cappuccinos, and hallucinogen. no joke.
there is fog hanging in the air for most of the morning, and there is something so suggestive about the nature of fog. it is so modest, yet revealing. it is like nature is hesitant to face the world, to show you itself in all it's beauty, so it gives the air of being uninviting. however, it is impossible to not be one with the earth in moments like these. it just takes a bit of extra care, some focus through the haze, and a bit of a closer examination to realize what hides behind this veil, this sculptural suggestion of something insubstantial.
side note. sam told me last night that frances lucas, the president of millsaps college, was among a number of noted university officials to publicly support and campaign for lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. sorry that it is out of order, it came back to me from my own self-induced haze mid-morning. i have a lot more respect for her - not because i wish i could legally drink earlier, but the fact that she had the tenacity to stand up for something that she would be faced with such scrutiny over. you go franny lou.
the nicotine and espresso running through my veins are the only things that keep me going. maybe it is all in my head...but sometimes i can only find solace in their comforting embrace surging through my bloodstream, vein to vein, artery to artery, bringing me one step closer to a death i both desire and despair. simple as that.
there is something appealing about distancing myself...physically. but emotionally? why am i doing it? i like to think that i'm not distancing my self intentionally, but it is happeing. it is not vindicative, or manipulative, or self-loathing, but there is something driving my desire to not allow anyone into my life. maybe it will get better with time.
what is it about 3 against 2? i'm talking rhythmically of course. i do not know what it is, but something about the struggle - but the perfect alignment right a moment too late, once you are already off kilter, the slight lilt and driving nature of it all. the imperfection draws me in, with a simply rhythmical device you can find almost anywhere. it is not easy to play off beat, while perfectly in life with someone or something moving a slightly different pace. we all match up sometime though. maybe that is part of the appeal.
my condolences go out to dj am, travis barker, and all of those killed and affected by the crash. i was late finding out about this, it wasn't until i got back to austin on sunday, but my heart goes out to all of you - truly and sincerely.
when i woke up, i was definitely not one hundred percent. could i see straight? yes. could i walk straight? no. was driving potentially a bad idea? definite possibility. it happened any way. grabbed some coffee, breakfast, and gas out in clinton and tried to start my drive with the best possible attitude. my barista at starbucks looked really familiar too, it was strange. random, i know. coffee is my vice of choice. smoking comes and goes. i realize i have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. but coffee is always there. when im down, what do i turn to? a nice cup of coffee. when i need something to do? go to a coffee shop. getting up early? coffee. staying up late? more coffee. going to work? you guessed it, coffee. my life revolves around coffee - it is my necessity, and is also my economic indicator of choice. i could judge everything based on my frappucino, tea, or lattes.
i played a lot of the same cds i listened to on the way over - 1, because it was easier than changing them all out and 2, because they would help keep me awake. i don't remember what i started with, but up second was something corporate's leaving through the window. much more energy-inspiring than north, and the sun came up in perfect harmony with i woke up in a car. between tracks 2 and 4 i finally felt sobered up and i really opened by eyes to see the day for the first time. would you believe me if i said i crossed the louisiana border with the beginning of the track? synchronicity at work folks. wish i could make it up...but i really woke up in my car, did not trace away the fog, but saw the mississippi on her knees. sometimes i feel like i stage this kind of thing...but i don't. i swear...as unreal as it seems.
time for more coffee...only a few hours in. i stopped in shreveport, and walked in a stupor into a starbucks. i ordered a frappucino and started going into my whole light whip, non fat milk, no classic syrup spiel...only to be greeted with great confusion. i forget that they don't do the whole create-your-own frappucino everywhere. thank god for that. i love the old frappucinos with good old frapp-base the best.
funny note: spell check annoys me... and i hate when words are underlined. what does the blogger.com dictionary suggest in place of frappucino? cappuccino, cappuccinos, and hallucinogen. no joke.
there is fog hanging in the air for most of the morning, and there is something so suggestive about the nature of fog. it is so modest, yet revealing. it is like nature is hesitant to face the world, to show you itself in all it's beauty, so it gives the air of being uninviting. however, it is impossible to not be one with the earth in moments like these. it just takes a bit of extra care, some focus through the haze, and a bit of a closer examination to realize what hides behind this veil, this sculptural suggestion of something insubstantial.
side note. sam told me last night that frances lucas, the president of millsaps college, was among a number of noted university officials to publicly support and campaign for lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. sorry that it is out of order, it came back to me from my own self-induced haze mid-morning. i have a lot more respect for her - not because i wish i could legally drink earlier, but the fact that she had the tenacity to stand up for something that she would be faced with such scrutiny over. you go franny lou.
the nicotine and espresso running through my veins are the only things that keep me going. maybe it is all in my head...but sometimes i can only find solace in their comforting embrace surging through my bloodstream, vein to vein, artery to artery, bringing me one step closer to a death i both desire and despair. simple as that.
there is something appealing about distancing myself...physically. but emotionally? why am i doing it? i like to think that i'm not distancing my self intentionally, but it is happeing. it is not vindicative, or manipulative, or self-loathing, but there is something driving my desire to not allow anyone into my life. maybe it will get better with time.
what is it about 3 against 2? i'm talking rhythmically of course. i do not know what it is, but something about the struggle - but the perfect alignment right a moment too late, once you are already off kilter, the slight lilt and driving nature of it all. the imperfection draws me in, with a simply rhythmical device you can find almost anywhere. it is not easy to play off beat, while perfectly in life with someone or something moving a slightly different pace. we all match up sometime though. maybe that is part of the appeal.
my heart was all but slowing down. . .it was my personal symphony.
my condolences go out to dj am, travis barker, and all of those killed and affected by the crash. i was late finding out about this, it wasn't until i got back to austin on sunday, but my heart goes out to all of you - truly and sincerely.
come on, pick me up -
somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. . .
i can hear the sound, of your voice
still ringing in my ear
i need you here tonight
just like the ocean needs the waves
. . .oh the night
becomes the space that's somewhere in between
what i feel and what i'm told.
and the music's much too loud
to hear this alarm sound.
too loud, will you cover me?
but the emptiness i've found,
can't keep me on the ground.
the ground, can you cover me? hey,
what's the point in trying to get away?
the neverending search to find your escape.
it's gonna leave you cold.
everything is better,
and everything is right.
ithink that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
so take it all the way. whoa, whoa -
and our hearts are on the everglow.
so just let go and fall into it. . .
every action makes a reaction.
we'll figure it out and make it happen.
and just because i'm sure no one is going to go looking through my old blogs for updates, here are a couple of pictures. the first is from outside hot wok some time last week, and the other two are taken from under i35 after i parked and was walking toward true blue.somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. . .
i can hear the sound, of your voice
still ringing in my ear
i need you here tonight
just like the ocean needs the waves
. . .oh the night
becomes the space that's somewhere in between
what i feel and what i'm told.
and the music's much too loud
to hear this alarm sound.
too loud, will you cover me?
but the emptiness i've found,
can't keep me on the ground.
the ground, can you cover me? hey,
what's the point in trying to get away?
the neverending search to find your escape.
it's gonna leave you cold.
everything is better,
and everything is right.
ithink that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
so take it all the way. whoa, whoa -
and our hearts are on the everglow.
so just let go and fall into it. . .
every action makes a reaction.
we'll figure it out and make it happen.
i feel myself constantly being faced with the seemingly simple question - "how are you?" and i just find myself lying in order to elicit a response. the question is never about the person who is being asked, it is always about opening the door and allowing yourself, or the individual asking, to speak about yourself/themselves. we all just want to hear ourselves, feel justified by others, and have others pay attention. okay, maybe we aren't all that way, but sometimes it feels as if there is no point in troubling myself over the answer -should i lie? should i not? - because it is never really about me.
such a charming, beautiful exterior
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
this is one time, this is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
or anyone at all...or anyone at all
and the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places that you've come to fear the most
buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
and hidden in the public eye
love, its the wave i ride,
that won't ever reach the shore.
overwhelmed by the tideand wanting nothing more, tonight.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide.
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
hope, its the light that strikes,
that burns inside of me.
its a blinding light, but somehow i can see, again.
when i've lost my way.
its becoming very clear.
and its coming around again.
somewhere between the darkest and the light. . .
my spirit takes to fly.
the colors fill the sky,
and i am free, oh ohh.
that won't ever reach the shore.
overwhelmed by the tideand wanting nothing more, tonight.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide.
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
hope, its the light that strikes,
that burns inside of me.
its a blinding light, but somehow i can see, again.
when i've lost my way.
its becoming very clear.
and its coming around again.
somewhere between the darkest and the light. . .
my spirit takes to fly.
the colors fill the sky,
and i am free, oh ohh.
Wasted time.
I cannot say that I was ready for this.
But when worlds collide,
and all that I have is all that I want.
The words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
And all that I have is yours.
All that I am is yours. Ohh...
Painted skies.
I've seen so many that cannot compare
to your ocean eyes.
I cannot say that I was ready for this.
But when worlds collide,
and all that I have is all that I want.
The words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
And all that I have is yours.
All that I am is yours. Ohh...
Painted skies.
I've seen so many that cannot compare
to your ocean eyes.
then to keep myself awake, after holding myself together through the everglow, i switched to mixed tapes. here are some excerpts -
then it was on to some great sing along music - dashboard confessional. don't judge.
for all the world we did not see,
and all the smiles you gave to me
they're so contagious - so very fake
love is not some victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
a million eyes all crying please-
please don't forget about me
yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right
hey, hey now we're almost home.
i miss you to death,
but its all for the best, i know
. . . our time is almost here.
once i rose above the noise and confusion
just to get a glimpse behind this illusion
i was soaring ever higher, but i flew too high
though my eyes could see i still was a blind man
though my mind could think i still was a mad man
i hear the voices when i'm dreamin', i can hear them say. . .
on a stormy sea of moving emotion
tossed about i'm like a ship on the ocean
i set a course for winds of fortune, but i hear the voices say
and all the smiles you gave to me
they're so contagious - so very fake
love is not some victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
a million eyes all crying please-
please don't forget about me
yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right
hey, hey now we're almost home.
i miss you to death,
but its all for the best, i know
. . . our time is almost here.
once i rose above the noise and confusion
just to get a glimpse behind this illusion
i was soaring ever higher, but i flew too high
though my eyes could see i still was a blind man
though my mind could think i still was a mad man
i hear the voices when i'm dreamin', i can hear them say. . .
on a stormy sea of moving emotion
tossed about i'm like a ship on the ocean
i set a course for winds of fortune, but i hear the voices say
then it was on to some great sing along music - dashboard confessional. don't judge.
the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
this is incredible, starving, insatiable
the pictures of anything other than it's meant to be.
but the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
don't be concerned, you know i'll be fine on my own.
i never said "don't go".
in the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.
this purchased rebellion has been outbidded,
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless, championless, championless
i begged you not to go. i begged you, I pleaded.
claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.
which of the bold-faced lies will we use?
but this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses
and it's crude,
but it will do.
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
this is incredible, starving, insatiable
the pictures of anything other than it's meant to be.
but the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
don't be concerned, you know i'll be fine on my own.
i never said "don't go".
in the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.
this purchased rebellion has been outbidded,
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless, championless, championless
i begged you not to go. i begged you, I pleaded.
claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.
which of the bold-faced lies will we use?
but this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses
and it's crude,
but it will do.
such a charming, beautiful exterior
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
this is one time, this is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
or anyone at all...or anyone at all
and the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places that you've come to fear the most
buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
and hidden in the public eye
then, last but not least - i listened to this is me smiling's self-titled album. and the last of my lyrical quotations...sorry for not writing lengthy expositions on the meaning of the lyrics...it really was more about someone else finding the words rather than utilizing that liminal time this drive around. not as many groundbreaking, earth shattering breakthroughs.
crossing a fine line,
between you and me,
mixin' up adjectives,
like jealous and sweet,
taking up all your time,
for my security
i'm lookin' down on all the folks below.
six billion little freckles,
with freckles of their own,
it's colder here than i have ever known. . .
i'll make it through,
the moments without you,
i've chosen exile for the view
and i won't come down 'til sunday. . .
but on my way down,
i'm gonna paint all the towns,
and if i miss a few spots,
i'll simply turn back around.
on my way down,
i'm gonna crank up the sound,
i'm gonna party like the devil,
until I reach sea level.
Found a better way to fall in love,
another use for those prescription drugs,
enough sleep to cure every ailment,
to wake up and the city is silent. . .
everyday i wanna wake and see the sunrise,
every night i wanna fall asleep in your eyes,
never ever ever wanted to regress,
ask me nice and answer will be yes.
The story gets better,
embellished or plucked from the page,
the facts never matter,
and nor does the face that gets saved. . .
Comfortable sleep in sheets and blankets,
spinning the earth in my eyes,
slipping it up in all directions now,
i'm going in to find you, inside the mind you,
convinced yourself you'd beaten for good,
trouble shot your conscience,
rekeyed your instincts,
your memory holds on,
thinks that it should
i need sleep,
i need it so bad,
i'm standing on the tracks and i'm missing the train,
sleep, take me into your world. . .
And i'm so excited, so excited,
to forget the reasons why I need you here,
i'm so excited, so excited,
to turn this hazy debut black and clear.
between you and me,
mixin' up adjectives,
like jealous and sweet,
taking up all your time,
for my security
i'm lookin' down on all the folks below.
six billion little freckles,
with freckles of their own,
it's colder here than i have ever known. . .
i'll make it through,
the moments without you,
i've chosen exile for the view
and i won't come down 'til sunday. . .
but on my way down,
i'm gonna paint all the towns,
and if i miss a few spots,
i'll simply turn back around.
on my way down,
i'm gonna crank up the sound,
i'm gonna party like the devil,
until I reach sea level.
Found a better way to fall in love,
another use for those prescription drugs,
enough sleep to cure every ailment,
to wake up and the city is silent. . .
everyday i wanna wake and see the sunrise,
every night i wanna fall asleep in your eyes,
never ever ever wanted to regress,
ask me nice and answer will be yes.
The story gets better,
embellished or plucked from the page,
the facts never matter,
and nor does the face that gets saved. . .
Comfortable sleep in sheets and blankets,
spinning the earth in my eyes,
slipping it up in all directions now,
i'm going in to find you, inside the mind you,
convinced yourself you'd beaten for good,
trouble shot your conscience,
rekeyed your instincts,
your memory holds on,
thinks that it should
i need sleep,
i need it so bad,
i'm standing on the tracks and i'm missing the train,
sleep, take me into your world. . .
And i'm so excited, so excited,
to forget the reasons why I need you here,
i'm so excited, so excited,
to turn this hazy debut black and clear.
got back in a solid 10 hours, including stopping for hair dye, looking at purses at target, seeing kevin at randalls, and then going home. and i actually stopped for meals - go figure. still less time than on the way to jackson. it felt like a hell of a lot longer though, i will tell you that much.
got to my house, the whole family (minus chris) was in the living room about to start the new episode of supernatural. i got a killer ant bite on my foot, so i took some benedryl and laid down on the couch to watch the new episode with them. supernatural is one of those shows i love, but hate that i love. dean and sam...oh how i love you. had a late birthday dinner with my dad at texas roadhouse, still swimming in the haze of antihistamine, and went home. fell asleep, but instead of hanging out with kevin like i planned, nothing happened. it was a crazy day though - i can't believe i made the whole drive without falling asleep.
got to my house, the whole family (minus chris) was in the living room about to start the new episode of supernatural. i got a killer ant bite on my foot, so i took some benedryl and laid down on the couch to watch the new episode with them. supernatural is one of those shows i love, but hate that i love. dean and sam...oh how i love you. had a late birthday dinner with my dad at texas roadhouse, still swimming in the haze of antihistamine, and went home. fell asleep, but instead of hanging out with kevin like i planned, nothing happened. it was a crazy day though - i can't believe i made the whole drive without falling asleep.
drink up last call before the sunrise sets the scene - of empty bottles, heavy hearts, memories of broken dreams
it only seems fitting that a song from the soundtrack of my senior year summer describes this night. summer after senior year was all about change and saying goodbye to my life in high school, and now i wonder what precipice i am now facing.
i had every intention of waking up and going to breakfast with grant before he left for starkville, but it didn't happen. there was no rousing me from the dead saturday morning. both katie and i were lazy as hell and slept through most of the football game. i woke up, finished reading twilight, read the jfp and did the crossword. it is amazing that i can do crosswords again. no more beautiful mind-esque connections being blocked, all neurons going full speed ahead without any medications slowing them down. the jfp made me think of stephen barnette and my crush on him. i think i will have to work jubilee jam again despite all the frustration just to see him and jamie again. they were both so sweet and so amazing. i wish i had the balls to ask for numbers so that maybe i don't have to wait for a time to come along that i might cross their paths. i don't like searching for needles in a haystack.
katie and i watched more tv, and waited for jp to go pick up some food from aladdins. i try to avoid mediterranean food like the plague after greece, but i made an exception. we then listened to a bunch of music, watched more tv, and made some connections.
i.e. - compare the intro of mgmt's electric feel and jack's mannequin's bloodshot.
also, compare the intro of jack's mannequin's crashin' and something corporate's you're gone.
lastly, the chime parts in jack's mannequin's into the airwaves and mae's anything. uncanny folks. just saying.
dinner at the olive garden with sam. bottomless pasta bowls, hell yeah. it was nice, and we were able to kinda interact normally after my breakdown the night before. then i got to meet eli when we headed to the fondren cups for coffee. the first blondie i had in a very long time. he was really cool, but i guess sam i and both are breaking from our archetypes we have established for ourselves. he then bought us some captain morgan's, which we immediately broke into before our next destination. barely enough room for dinner, coffee, and alcohol. somehow we managed though.
then sam and i went to cody's show at sam's lounge. we headed to the show early so we could get in - considering that it was 21 and up. cody and his friend, aka the passing parade, were amazing. there is not a person on this earth who i would have rather shared this night with than sam. it is in the shadow of great moments like these - so perfect in such an ordinary way, that i think we really appreciate one another.
oh, and every single pore of cody's body exudes sex. we ended up leaving to go meet up with eli and some other belhaven people and cody said he would text me whenever they were headed out. oh! and i saw alex, tim, and kelly at the show. i hadn't seen any of them in forever, so that was nice. i felt like such an ass for forgetting kelly's name though :( pictures turned out horribly...i really couldn't use flash. there were all of like...15 people watching the show, and it was actually annoying just to hear the shutter close, so i wasn't about to flash all up in this dark old lounge. here are a few anyways.
then millsaps, more shenanigans, etc. sam and i split up - she ultimately went over to belhaven and i worked my way from pike to lambda chi to pike to sae then back to pike. i was planning on staying awake all night and just driving through, but i ultimately crashed around 330. i was very tempted to go meet up with cody and continue the night, but unfortunately he caught me the moment my head hit the futon. i am certain that we will see each other again soon though.
and this is how my saturday night, which i intended to be tame, turned into sunday.
i had every intention of waking up and going to breakfast with grant before he left for starkville, but it didn't happen. there was no rousing me from the dead saturday morning. both katie and i were lazy as hell and slept through most of the football game. i woke up, finished reading twilight, read the jfp and did the crossword. it is amazing that i can do crosswords again. no more beautiful mind-esque connections being blocked, all neurons going full speed ahead without any medications slowing them down. the jfp made me think of stephen barnette and my crush on him. i think i will have to work jubilee jam again despite all the frustration just to see him and jamie again. they were both so sweet and so amazing. i wish i had the balls to ask for numbers so that maybe i don't have to wait for a time to come along that i might cross their paths. i don't like searching for needles in a haystack.
katie and i watched more tv, and waited for jp to go pick up some food from aladdins. i try to avoid mediterranean food like the plague after greece, but i made an exception. we then listened to a bunch of music, watched more tv, and made some connections.
i.e. - compare the intro of mgmt's electric feel and jack's mannequin's bloodshot.
also, compare the intro of jack's mannequin's crashin' and something corporate's you're gone.
lastly, the chime parts in jack's mannequin's into the airwaves and mae's anything. uncanny folks. just saying.
dinner at the olive garden with sam. bottomless pasta bowls, hell yeah. it was nice, and we were able to kinda interact normally after my breakdown the night before. then i got to meet eli when we headed to the fondren cups for coffee. the first blondie i had in a very long time. he was really cool, but i guess sam i and both are breaking from our archetypes we have established for ourselves. he then bought us some captain morgan's, which we immediately broke into before our next destination. barely enough room for dinner, coffee, and alcohol. somehow we managed though.
then sam and i went to cody's show at sam's lounge. we headed to the show early so we could get in - considering that it was 21 and up. cody and his friend, aka the passing parade, were amazing. there is not a person on this earth who i would have rather shared this night with than sam. it is in the shadow of great moments like these - so perfect in such an ordinary way, that i think we really appreciate one another.
oh, and every single pore of cody's body exudes sex. we ended up leaving to go meet up with eli and some other belhaven people and cody said he would text me whenever they were headed out. oh! and i saw alex, tim, and kelly at the show. i hadn't seen any of them in forever, so that was nice. i felt like such an ass for forgetting kelly's name though :( pictures turned out horribly...i really couldn't use flash. there were all of like...15 people watching the show, and it was actually annoying just to hear the shutter close, so i wasn't about to flash all up in this dark old lounge. here are a few anyways.
then millsaps, more shenanigans, etc. sam and i split up - she ultimately went over to belhaven and i worked my way from pike to lambda chi to pike to sae then back to pike. i was planning on staying awake all night and just driving through, but i ultimately crashed around 330. i was very tempted to go meet up with cody and continue the night, but unfortunately he caught me the moment my head hit the futon. i am certain that we will see each other again soon though.
and this is how my saturday night, which i intended to be tame, turned into sunday.
say after me- it's no better to be safe than sorry. take on me, take me on
so i started the day by getting out of bed around 11 and going to lunch with rachel and phoebe on last friday. something about the dynamic of the three of us, just works. just enough play, just enough serious, it really works. they were both headed out of town to spend some time with the family in memphis, so we all met up before they were gone. i wish they had both been around more that weekend, but what can you do? things happen. i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to susan since she left for the airport earlier than expected and i was still with the girls at lunch, but at least we got some quality time in on thursday night. i forgot how much i miss that girl...maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder after all.
then i came back, wrote my blog, and watched the greatest 100 songs of the 80s. katie and i reminisced about our favorite songs on the list growing up and speculated on what would top the list. a ha should have totally been higher up than it was. whatever vh1 :P
it also made me think about this one incredible show experience i had. it was the first time that i really felt like i was experiencing a rock concert in the way they used to happen. rock concerts used to be shoulder to shoulder, sharing your love with the crowd as much as you are with the artist. it is a communal experience, fueled not by your self-consciousness or worry about how everyone else is perceiving you, but by the love and passion shared by yourself and your peers. it was nothing like that, but it was definitely the first time i came close to really bonding with a crowd. it has only ever happened one other time.
i was at a bloc party show at stubbs sometime in the middle of 2006 with ebler, and this band j versus k was opening up for them. then, between sets, there was a bit of downtime in which they played music. and one of the last songs they played, amongst britney spears and assorted other popular music, was bon jovi's living on a prayer. wait, don't stop reading. i know it's lame, but suffer through it. every person in the venue, which is hard to grasp just through the sheer nature of the set-up, started singing when the chorus came on, and for a second - everyone forgot themselves.
it didn't matter who you were standing next to, how much cred you thought you were earning from attending this show, whether you are dressed hipper than your neighbor. no judging what shirt someone else is wearing, how they are dressed, the kind of person they are. just one, common, organic experience with a song from our childhood. there is something moving about the song...in such an unexpected way. it gives you hope, and maybe there is hope that rock and roll really isn't dead after all.
arthur, i know i told you i have been really bad about being on the internet. i barely check all my own things, and definitely did not religiously read your blog. i will tell you what though - going through and reading all your entries, i can't help but smile from ear to ear. i told my friend all about you, she was really perplexed by why i was so happy and excited over something online. she doesn't really understand the whole internet friendship thing, but i hope you. in a time when no one knows how to deal with me in person, you handle me better online than they can face to face. and i owe you a great deal for that.
sometimes i feel like i am more worried about attainment than my actual interest in something. i am just as guilty as a lot of people around me. maybe being cognizant of it cancels it out though? i'm not really sure how that works haha.
so i spent a better part of the evening with JP, eating more sushi from haru, and watching the drinking olympics on tv. okay, it was one of those food network showdowns, but it was intense haha. we were kinda perplexed to begin with, hence the assuming it was some kind of drinking triathlon or something, but it was pretty interesting. i was also trying to figure out what happened with my phone - sometime between leaving lunch and sitting down for dinner, my text messages stopped working. i could receive them, make calls, and receive calls, but i could not send text messages. ultimately my phone company reset my sim card or something or another and it was all back to normal, but i was very frustrated there for a minute. i am so dependent on modern technology.
after more food network and mindless channel surfing, jon stewart and the colbert report came on. tony blair was on the daily show, and it was amazing. it was pretty tense for a bit - i wasn't sure if jon had really crossed the line and if blair was going to just up and walk off, but it was a really good segment. apparently blair is teaching a course at yale on globalization, which is really cool. makes me wish i had been able to go there...that was my dream. unfortunately college is one of those goals and dreams limited by linear time. if only it did not have to be that way.
ultimately katie was roused from the dead and came to keep jp and i company. then jp when to go rent baby mama, which turned into quite the extensive fiasco. first, the blockbuster did not have any copies, so he went to run some more errands and waited to see if anyone returned a copy while he was out. then he finally got a copy, got back to new south, and the safety was still on, so we couldn't open it. then after some extensive internet research, jp was able to break through the safety on the dvd case....just in time for me to leave and meet sam. she had to film the girls soccer game, and we met up as soon as it was over.
i have been smoking like crazy...particularly starting last friday. it happens i suppose. oh, i also decided that it is necessary for me to start taking more pictures. my dslr will be on me at all (practical) times from now on.
after meeting up with sam, we went up to her room to get ready, and then headed over to the sketch house. whitney, rachel, irene, james, evan, nick, roscoe, lauren, and dylan were all there, and we drank beer, played rock band 2, and watched people shoot bb guns. that was basically the extent of my time there. oh, and listening to soul music. and awkward conversations about former flings. no, i do not want to give you my ~blessing to have sex with some guy i used to see. i don't feel the need to do it, it is completely gratuitous and just places unneeded resentment between us. love you, but next time - let's not.
sam and i ultimately went to whataburger since we were both starving, to get food for ourselves and all the boys at the house. there was some dissension about whether we were going back to the house, or to the pike house, or what. and i was at the peak of another bout of insecurity. grant wanted me to come see him, but i was terrified of the house. sam and i drove in silence, and i felt like the tension was springing not just from our disagreement about how we wanted to spend the rest of our night together, but instead from harbored resentment after burger king. i cried a bit, but ultimately we talked through things and i voiced my honest opinion. i still feel like there is unnecessary tension in the wake of my downward spiral, but our bond is too strong to let something as stupid as my own manifestations of my shortcomings to compromise our friendship at the end of the day.
i braved the house with sam and we tried to make a beeline for grant. i didnt see him, so we to the bathroom - built up courage to face the terrifying onslaught of people, and located grant upstairs. at this point, sam bailed, and i spent the rest of the night drinking and smoking like a chimney with grant.
i confronted, both intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of people from my past and realized that most of my fear was misplaced. i went in with the mentality that i was going to avoid everyone and assume they wanted nothing to do with me unless they approached me, but it ended up being counterproductive. a couple of people were actually like - wtf, why didn't you come say hey? i mean....i didn't come say hey because i was worried that you didn't want to give me the time of day. but i was wrong. i even talked to jack. okay, that was one of the ones i did not mean to happen. it did though. i was walking out back through the chapter room and saw cameron, sarah, and grant in a circle of people smoking, so i walked up since we had just been up in grants room together. and who did i walk into? jack. who was also in the circle. my heart skipped a beat...and not in the fluttery kind of way, but in the oh shit, i guess tonight won't go so smooth after all kind of way. this one individual is the sole source of a vast number of issues for me...the person who was a seemingly innocent, nondescript person in my vast sea of decisions and actions in the spring, who served as the catalyst for a ripple effect throughout my life. it went well though. i actually think we are okay. as okay as is possible - no bad blood if you will. this is the one person, not an anonymous group of individuals or an idea, who truly terrified me. i was so scared of him...and i hoped that by getting through the night without seeing him, all would be a success. but it turned out that only one person truly avoided me - and i dont particularly give a shit about him anyways. he had ~issues when we tried to have a thing, so i'm going to attribute his cold shoulder to post-traumatic performance anxiety.
the night ended well, back in new south at a semi-reasonable hour (aka before the sun came up). and so my friday ended. oh, and irene was christened lakeisha and i was marvin aka mel v aka mel b by grant. those were some great cover names babe. oh well, it was funny as hell ;)
then i came back, wrote my blog, and watched the greatest 100 songs of the 80s. katie and i reminisced about our favorite songs on the list growing up and speculated on what would top the list. a ha should have totally been higher up than it was. whatever vh1 :P
it also made me think about this one incredible show experience i had. it was the first time that i really felt like i was experiencing a rock concert in the way they used to happen. rock concerts used to be shoulder to shoulder, sharing your love with the crowd as much as you are with the artist. it is a communal experience, fueled not by your self-consciousness or worry about how everyone else is perceiving you, but by the love and passion shared by yourself and your peers. it was nothing like that, but it was definitely the first time i came close to really bonding with a crowd. it has only ever happened one other time.
i was at a bloc party show at stubbs sometime in the middle of 2006 with ebler, and this band j versus k was opening up for them. then, between sets, there was a bit of downtime in which they played music. and one of the last songs they played, amongst britney spears and assorted other popular music, was bon jovi's living on a prayer. wait, don't stop reading. i know it's lame, but suffer through it. every person in the venue, which is hard to grasp just through the sheer nature of the set-up, started singing when the chorus came on, and for a second - everyone forgot themselves.
She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
Whoa, we're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
Whoa, we're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
it didn't matter who you were standing next to, how much cred you thought you were earning from attending this show, whether you are dressed hipper than your neighbor. no judging what shirt someone else is wearing, how they are dressed, the kind of person they are. just one, common, organic experience with a song from our childhood. there is something moving about the song...in such an unexpected way. it gives you hope, and maybe there is hope that rock and roll really isn't dead after all.
arthur, i know i told you i have been really bad about being on the internet. i barely check all my own things, and definitely did not religiously read your blog. i will tell you what though - going through and reading all your entries, i can't help but smile from ear to ear. i told my friend all about you, she was really perplexed by why i was so happy and excited over something online. she doesn't really understand the whole internet friendship thing, but i hope you. in a time when no one knows how to deal with me in person, you handle me better online than they can face to face. and i owe you a great deal for that.
sometimes i feel like i am more worried about attainment than my actual interest in something. i am just as guilty as a lot of people around me. maybe being cognizant of it cancels it out though? i'm not really sure how that works haha.
so i spent a better part of the evening with JP, eating more sushi from haru, and watching the drinking olympics on tv. okay, it was one of those food network showdowns, but it was intense haha. we were kinda perplexed to begin with, hence the assuming it was some kind of drinking triathlon or something, but it was pretty interesting. i was also trying to figure out what happened with my phone - sometime between leaving lunch and sitting down for dinner, my text messages stopped working. i could receive them, make calls, and receive calls, but i could not send text messages. ultimately my phone company reset my sim card or something or another and it was all back to normal, but i was very frustrated there for a minute. i am so dependent on modern technology.
after more food network and mindless channel surfing, jon stewart and the colbert report came on. tony blair was on the daily show, and it was amazing. it was pretty tense for a bit - i wasn't sure if jon had really crossed the line and if blair was going to just up and walk off, but it was a really good segment. apparently blair is teaching a course at yale on globalization, which is really cool. makes me wish i had been able to go there...that was my dream. unfortunately college is one of those goals and dreams limited by linear time. if only it did not have to be that way.
ultimately katie was roused from the dead and came to keep jp and i company. then jp when to go rent baby mama, which turned into quite the extensive fiasco. first, the blockbuster did not have any copies, so he went to run some more errands and waited to see if anyone returned a copy while he was out. then he finally got a copy, got back to new south, and the safety was still on, so we couldn't open it. then after some extensive internet research, jp was able to break through the safety on the dvd case....just in time for me to leave and meet sam. she had to film the girls soccer game, and we met up as soon as it was over.
i have been smoking like crazy...particularly starting last friday. it happens i suppose. oh, i also decided that it is necessary for me to start taking more pictures. my dslr will be on me at all (practical) times from now on.
after meeting up with sam, we went up to her room to get ready, and then headed over to the sketch house. whitney, rachel, irene, james, evan, nick, roscoe, lauren, and dylan were all there, and we drank beer, played rock band 2, and watched people shoot bb guns. that was basically the extent of my time there. oh, and listening to soul music. and awkward conversations about former flings. no, i do not want to give you my ~blessing to have sex with some guy i used to see. i don't feel the need to do it, it is completely gratuitous and just places unneeded resentment between us. love you, but next time - let's not.
sam and i ultimately went to whataburger since we were both starving, to get food for ourselves and all the boys at the house. there was some dissension about whether we were going back to the house, or to the pike house, or what. and i was at the peak of another bout of insecurity. grant wanted me to come see him, but i was terrified of the house. sam and i drove in silence, and i felt like the tension was springing not just from our disagreement about how we wanted to spend the rest of our night together, but instead from harbored resentment after burger king. i cried a bit, but ultimately we talked through things and i voiced my honest opinion. i still feel like there is unnecessary tension in the wake of my downward spiral, but our bond is too strong to let something as stupid as my own manifestations of my shortcomings to compromise our friendship at the end of the day.
i braved the house with sam and we tried to make a beeline for grant. i didnt see him, so we to the bathroom - built up courage to face the terrifying onslaught of people, and located grant upstairs. at this point, sam bailed, and i spent the rest of the night drinking and smoking like a chimney with grant.
i confronted, both intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of people from my past and realized that most of my fear was misplaced. i went in with the mentality that i was going to avoid everyone and assume they wanted nothing to do with me unless they approached me, but it ended up being counterproductive. a couple of people were actually like - wtf, why didn't you come say hey? i mean....i didn't come say hey because i was worried that you didn't want to give me the time of day. but i was wrong. i even talked to jack. okay, that was one of the ones i did not mean to happen. it did though. i was walking out back through the chapter room and saw cameron, sarah, and grant in a circle of people smoking, so i walked up since we had just been up in grants room together. and who did i walk into? jack. who was also in the circle. my heart skipped a beat...and not in the fluttery kind of way, but in the oh shit, i guess tonight won't go so smooth after all kind of way. this one individual is the sole source of a vast number of issues for me...the person who was a seemingly innocent, nondescript person in my vast sea of decisions and actions in the spring, who served as the catalyst for a ripple effect throughout my life. it went well though. i actually think we are okay. as okay as is possible - no bad blood if you will. this is the one person, not an anonymous group of individuals or an idea, who truly terrified me. i was so scared of him...and i hoped that by getting through the night without seeing him, all would be a success. but it turned out that only one person truly avoided me - and i dont particularly give a shit about him anyways. he had ~issues when we tried to have a thing, so i'm going to attribute his cold shoulder to post-traumatic performance anxiety.
the night ended well, back in new south at a semi-reasonable hour (aka before the sun came up). and so my friday ended. oh, and irene was christened lakeisha and i was marvin aka mel v aka mel b by grant. those were some great cover names babe. oh well, it was funny as hell ;)
the blood rushing in waves to take this feeling with us to our graves
yesterday was all over the place. ill avoid the stereotypical rollercoaster analogies for your sake and mine. i tried to get to bed early, but without much success.
ultimately, i went to bed around 1 i think, only to get back up at 5. i let myself lay in bed and just meditate on some things and finally got up to finish packing at about 545. got the rest of my stuff together, which also took longer than expected, got situated in the car, and headed up to the new shopping strip at 183A and 1431. the plan was to kill two birds with one stone, get coffee at the relatively new starbucks and breakfast at the chick-fil-a that opened this week right next door. i love love love chick-fil-a's breakfast. especially chicken minis :) but chick-fil-a opened late and i ended up wasting a ton of time.
then, kinda settled in, CDs in the changer and a venti java chip frappucino with three shots in hand, i hit the road. my dad left me his garmin to try and help me out so i wouldn't get lost...but it ended up messing me up more than anything else. i hit 35 and without thinking just followed the GPS. i mean, it is completely normal for me to take 35 south, and it was still an hour until sunrise so i was not exactly in the perfect state of mind for cognitive reasoning (wait - dallas is north...why am i going south?). i was stuck in traffic forever and i had no idea why it was so bad. oh, maybe because i went down the highway for 20 miles in the wrong direction towards downtown...because the GPS was trying to take me down some tiny highways instead of the easy, simplistic 35 to 20 route. screw going through tyler....there is no food, no place to stop, and little towns are littered up and down those back roads where you don't stand a chance of walking away without a speeding ticket if you exceed 40-45 miles per hour. forget that :)
eventually i woke up from my pre-dawn daze and started heading the right direction on 35 (please realize how embarrassing it is for me to admit i made such a stupid mistake...because it is really embarrassing). i listened to kiss fm for a while...i knew i had plenty of time to listen to CDs, bobby bones can be pretty entertaining, and i never listen to the radio - so why the hell not? lunchbox was trying to replicate some stupid magic trick/stunt that someone is attempting in the near future...and it kept me entertained for a while. but the moral of the story is, i really didnt get going on the road (in the right direction) until almost 7...when i had been planning on leaving at 7. i guess thats what happens when im accountable for myself that early in the morning.
in the days leading up to my trip, and talking to everyone about when i leave, how i drive there, and all that jazz, i was reminded about how much i love making the drive...sometimes. if you get on the road at the right time, when you are at the end of your first wind, finally starting to feel the immensity of the drive ahead of you - that is when the sun comes up. and it is a beautiful, inspiring thing. i have never been a morning person, so unless it was an exceptionally long night, the only time i get to see this beautiful phenomena is at the dawn of a day of driving. it is so...refreshing, calming, and it just helps me find my center in some weird, inexplicable way.
however, despite my timing issues on this particular journey, it would have made no difference whatsoever. it was a gloomy and anti climatic sunrise followed only my rain and more overcast skies. when i was loading up the car, it started to rain...and the last trip from my house to the car was a slow motion kind of moment for me. i don't know if that happens for anyone else...but it was just one of those moments when i felt alive. something about the anticipation, the time of day...the feeling of the start of something new, all mixed with the anxiety and the cleansing effect emotionally and physically evoked with each new rain, i really felt.
after giving up on bobby bones around kyle, texas ( i didn't last long at all ) i turned on panic at the disco's pretty. odd. panic's a fever you can't sweat out used to be my "middle of the drive hump" cd to wake me back up from the monotonous louisiana stretch of 20. ironically, if you weren't aware, there was a very fitting lyric considering the mixed emotions about the rain and gloom surrounding me. there are a few lyrics i took note of during the drive, and i'm not going to really explain them...they just stand out.
ultimately, i went to bed around 1 i think, only to get back up at 5. i let myself lay in bed and just meditate on some things and finally got up to finish packing at about 545. got the rest of my stuff together, which also took longer than expected, got situated in the car, and headed up to the new shopping strip at 183A and 1431. the plan was to kill two birds with one stone, get coffee at the relatively new starbucks and breakfast at the chick-fil-a that opened this week right next door. i love love love chick-fil-a's breakfast. especially chicken minis :) but chick-fil-a opened late and i ended up wasting a ton of time.
then, kinda settled in, CDs in the changer and a venti java chip frappucino with three shots in hand, i hit the road. my dad left me his garmin to try and help me out so i wouldn't get lost...but it ended up messing me up more than anything else. i hit 35 and without thinking just followed the GPS. i mean, it is completely normal for me to take 35 south, and it was still an hour until sunrise so i was not exactly in the perfect state of mind for cognitive reasoning (wait - dallas is north...why am i going south?). i was stuck in traffic forever and i had no idea why it was so bad. oh, maybe because i went down the highway for 20 miles in the wrong direction towards downtown...because the GPS was trying to take me down some tiny highways instead of the easy, simplistic 35 to 20 route. screw going through tyler....there is no food, no place to stop, and little towns are littered up and down those back roads where you don't stand a chance of walking away without a speeding ticket if you exceed 40-45 miles per hour. forget that :)
eventually i woke up from my pre-dawn daze and started heading the right direction on 35 (please realize how embarrassing it is for me to admit i made such a stupid mistake...because it is really embarrassing). i listened to kiss fm for a while...i knew i had plenty of time to listen to CDs, bobby bones can be pretty entertaining, and i never listen to the radio - so why the hell not? lunchbox was trying to replicate some stupid magic trick/stunt that someone is attempting in the near future...and it kept me entertained for a while. but the moral of the story is, i really didnt get going on the road (in the right direction) until almost 7...when i had been planning on leaving at 7. i guess thats what happens when im accountable for myself that early in the morning.
in the days leading up to my trip, and talking to everyone about when i leave, how i drive there, and all that jazz, i was reminded about how much i love making the drive...sometimes. if you get on the road at the right time, when you are at the end of your first wind, finally starting to feel the immensity of the drive ahead of you - that is when the sun comes up. and it is a beautiful, inspiring thing. i have never been a morning person, so unless it was an exceptionally long night, the only time i get to see this beautiful phenomena is at the dawn of a day of driving. it is so...refreshing, calming, and it just helps me find my center in some weird, inexplicable way.
however, despite my timing issues on this particular journey, it would have made no difference whatsoever. it was a gloomy and anti climatic sunrise followed only my rain and more overcast skies. when i was loading up the car, it started to rain...and the last trip from my house to the car was a slow motion kind of moment for me. i don't know if that happens for anyone else...but it was just one of those moments when i felt alive. something about the anticipation, the time of day...the feeling of the start of something new, all mixed with the anxiety and the cleansing effect emotionally and physically evoked with each new rain, i really felt.
after giving up on bobby bones around kyle, texas ( i didn't last long at all ) i turned on panic at the disco's pretty. odd. panic's a fever you can't sweat out used to be my "middle of the drive hump" cd to wake me back up from the monotonous louisiana stretch of 20. ironically, if you weren't aware, there was a very fitting lyric considering the mixed emotions about the rain and gloom surrounding me. there are a few lyrics i took note of during the drive, and i'm not going to really explain them...they just stand out.
i'm not complaining that it's raining,
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .
the overcast skies were killer - it wasn't one of those all-encompassing black masses of a sky, more of a looming gray with just enough light pouring through to send the most faint, piercing headache to the place right behind your eyes. the kind of day that sunglasses just can't help without putting a dense screen between yourself and the world around you. so what do you do? embrace the headache and try to squint enough to forget it was there to begin with.
i know the world's a broken bone,
but melt your headaches call it home.
but melt your headaches call it home.
i actually really wish i had planned that last bit. about the headaches and the corresponding lyrics. but really, those lyrics were the next note on my memo pad about this blog. and the gloom was second hand to the sun in the last bit about the weather, so it was only fitting that it followed the rain and sun explanation. synchronicity at work my friends...it happens in strange, frightening, and unexpected ways.
if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.
if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.
you've never been so divine in accepting your defeat
and i've never been more scared to be alone.
and i've never been more scared to be alone.
i guess i am a hypocrite for liking folkin' around but hating country music. there are always exceptions i suppose.
9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.
9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.
so, pull me under
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed
(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)
i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed
(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)
i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .
something about the uncertainty and hesitation associated with the music stopping just...fits. falter is the perfect word for it. i am intrinsically drawn and connected with music in all facets of my life, and i let myself invest everything in it.
am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.
don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.
next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.
am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.
don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.
next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.
i'm just stuck trying to relive the past. . .will somebody please save me?
i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me
the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me
all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .
i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.
bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.
i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me
the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me
all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .
i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.
bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.
i love and adore bryce, but fragments really reach me the same way that all of andrew's work reaches me. i have to step outside of myself to truly appreciate bryce and imagine what it would be like to be truly happy or optimistic, which can be quite invigorating but also trying. it ends up depressing me more thinking about how i could view life...but don't.
i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.
then something corporate's north.
it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.
after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.
i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.
then something corporate's north.
the blood that's boiling in my veins and the food i can't keep down
it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.
after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.
it'd be so easy to lose myself to you.
after we the kings, was jack's mannequin the glass passenger.
the freeway is just like veins without a heart.
every road has a beginning and an end...but it is not always clear where it will take you. physically, maybe you can deduce the result from exit to exit, traffic light to stop sign, but there is no telling what waits for you at the end of each venture. there is no personal consideration, no compassion from the road beneath your feet, your tires as to what awaits you at your destination. it is impersonal, a means to an end without any real reason except to transport you from one place in your life to the next.
around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.
around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
long story short, i almost ran out of gas. i used the garmin to try and find the closest gas station and it took me way off the highway...to a place that didn't exist. so between me not knowing the mileage of my brother's car and not knowing how long it was going to be until i found a real gas station, not a fictitious building in the middle of arcadia, louisiana. i found one after over 30 miles with the low fuel light on....for four dollars a gallon. AWESOME. oh well, then i made it to another gas station after only putting in a couple gallons at the last station, and filled up. yet again, i was substantially set back in terms of my arrival time.
then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.
so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.
well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.
we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.
then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.
i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.
katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.
i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.
now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)
oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.
then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.
so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.
well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.
we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.
then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.
i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.
katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.
i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.
now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)
oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.
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