i'm sure no one reads this anymore, but that is besides the point. this blog started almost three years ago the day i relapsed. it feels like a lifetime ago and so much has changed since then, at least in the world around me, and i am still profoundly sad. i have a full-ride ahead of me, my choice of a handful of great graduate programs, a boyfriend i adore, and things seem like they are looking up...but maybe they aren't. i'm in the middle of (not) writing a paper - a paper i actually wrote yesterday and lost to a stupid oversight - and writing about something without all the baggage has always been cathartic.
i used to talk about synchronicity all the time, but i've been so caught up in the stupid minutia of day-to-day academia that i haven't really taken the time to stop and look at the world around me. maybe because looking around me just depresses me, or because i'm so absorbed, i'm not really sure. i haven't had a chance to breathe in years...i don't think i will ever let myself have that kind of luxury without feeling guilty...and i have lost sight of a lot of the things that used to mean a lot to me. i don't really have friends anymore, per se, but that used to be okay because i still had internet friends to rely on. well, now my world is slowly becoming smaller and the friends that used to be mine alone, or that was how i saw them, are friends with other friends, but none of them are really mine. i'm still on the outside, looking in, and it makes me uncomfortable.
the people around me are either checked-out, having a good time and not doing a damn thing, or they are working semi-hard and getting way more credit for it. i have my foot in both worlds and i can't get enough of either. there isn't enough time in each day to make both work and things have had to slip through the cracks, but for what? what is this unconscious criteria that i use to decide what my time is spent on? why am i so invested in this stupid paper? i have almost 1,300 facebook friends, even after a few purges (though not recently, because when do i have the time?), but i can only talk to approximately 3.5 people about my paper and i've spent the last three days painstakingly working over it. no one cares about the tables, knows what they mean, or even understands the huge potential of this paper, but the only people that can wrap their hands around it will just rip it to shreds only so i can write it again.
let's not mention that since spring break i have written thirty-eight pages (comps essays), twenty-eight pages (sweden report), eleven pages (albania report), eleven pages (herodotus paper), totaling eighty-eight pages and everyone else has been done for weeks. i'm a SENIOR, doesn't that mean anything? not really. this is just a taste of what will be coming my way every year for the next decade and a fraction of what i will be expected to produce throughout my career. and no one will even notice. i'm just the girl who sits with her computer in the cafeteria while hoards of sorority girls shuffle in and out of the tables around me...skinnier, prettier, happier. everything i wish i was and i'm not. i can't be that carefree. i can't be that naive. i can't be anything except stuck in my own head.
but who cares, right?
