so, here i am writing my first blog in ages. i almost decided to write this morning because i was in such a great mood, but i put it off. now, here i am twelve hours later and i am writing because i am in such an awful mood. my day has turned from great to worse from the moment my time alone ended. there were moments of great joy and enjoyment, but also moments of outright disgust and outrage. every single time an argument occurs, i sink further and further into myself and back into my old ways. well, i guess it is never really the same thing twice because if i make some of the same choices they are colored by my past experience, but the i'm in no mood to talk about perception and the continuing fluidity of experience.
woke up, watched the sundance channel, boarded for the first time in a while, went to starbucks, wrote a bit of a paper that is already past due (being depressed is the number one cause of my procrastination in any given circumstance, past or present), went to the jim henson exhibit at the mississippi museum of art, went to aladdin for dinner, the house on broadway, back to the apartment briefly, then out to madison to see alice in wonderland in 3D. all in all, you would think it was a great day, but the little things grate away at my patience too quickly.
blame it on the lack of sleep, the stress, the anxiety, the insecurity - i don't give a shit. it isn't going away. i'm tired of problems (physically) following me wherever i go, and i don't know how i'm supposed to base decisions that will effect the rest of my life when there are factors that have already brought in enough heartache and headaches to last me a lifetime in the last few months. i can't even say what i want to say, because then you will just get angry at me yet again. not a week goes by that dark thoughts fill my head and i think it isn't worth it, and being dragged through your family's dirty laundry against my will isn't really filling my head with daisies and sunshine. i have enough problems without you, and as many as you fix, all the extra baggage weighs on me more than everything that was preexisting. at least before it was all my fault, but now i can't complain without indicting us both. there is no answer except outright refusal to acknowledge the situation and willful ignorance, so that is the road i will be taking.
i don't know where my life is going, or whether or not i really want to keep on at all. money is a problem, my future is a problem, and i'm constantly worrying. you make things worth living, which is something i haven't been able to say in years, but maybe it just still isn't enough. maybe there will never be enough and i'm doomed to view the world as i do forever through even crueler and crueler turns of fate. maybe its better to take matters in one's own hands, but let's not get carried away just yet. things look up from time to time, but the lows are just as low as ever. i've given up friends and lost contact with countless individuals to try to keep you happy, but for what?
no acknowledgment, wasting money that i don't have to spend with no recognition for what i'm doing, constant contact with the one person i wish you wouldn't talk to at all, and the outright denial of my existence to all of your internet friends. when you finally posted a picture of me, people didn't even know i was your girlfriend just "some girl or your date or whatever." how is that supposed to make me feel? if you really care so much about me, why am i a smoke screen to your friends that actually matter? yeah, you are great to me here but you haven't really tried to make that many friends here. the person you have the greatest connection with is ironically the one person i wish you hadn't connected with at all. history has a funny way of repeating itself. i'm always the bad guy, the one worrying, the one causing a fuss. it isn't my job to be the bitch and it wasn't a role i wanted to fill. i hope a day without me will change your perspective. until then, i'm watching rome with tears in my eyes, a half-finished word document in front of me, and a leinenkugel berry weiss in hands. three cheers to fucking spring break.
