i was getting lost. yeah, i was getting so lost.

"It's in the palm of my hands
At the top of my lungs
It's in the back of my head now
It's headed to the front
Wherever it lands
That's where it's gonna be
I will put it down on paper now for passersby to read"

last night was anthony green, good old war, and personL at stubb's jr. it was my first indoor show at stubb's, which was interesting. i love love love anthony's new stuff, very cool shit. check out avalon if you haven't already. good old war was really tight, but i prefered their energy when they played with anthony. maybe they are more conservative in their own set since they have to play two back to back? idk. and person L. holy. shit. blown away. everything i had heard about them was dead on. i got to talk to kenny for a few minutes, but i had nothing to say...i was just in awe. i mean, i've seen the starting line i few times in my day, and i've even met him before...but now i really just...appreciate him. ugh. i wish i wasn't such an awkward kid some days.

kenny.is.the.shit.

everyone at the show was either chill and cool as shit, or annoying as fuck. unfortunately, i was surrounded by both. some really sweet guys from dallas were right by me and asked if i wanted to stand in front of them when they saw i was into personL and couldn't see around them. they were super cool and considerate the whole show. one of the guys was a big kenny fan and we just talked about how astonished we were, blah blah blah. and we talked about anthony...and all the annoying kids around us. cool as shit. i wish i had the nerve to like...get to know him. or even have asked his name. i'm such a pussy about that kind of thing. SO nervous around boys now.

about five or six songs into anthony i started feeling like shit. at first i thought my gum was making me nauseous or something so i spit it out...then i felt queasy so i stepped back and rested against the wall a bit more than i was. then i got that drowning-oh-shit-i'm-about-to-pass-out feeling. it has only ever happened to me...like three times in my whole life and i have no idea what caused it, but i straight up almost passed the fuck out. so i tried to work my way through the crowd without falling over which was a bit of work considering how close i was to blacking out, and called it a night early.

i think i was really dehydrated or something stupid. oh well. i've seen anthony a shit load of times before, i know i'll see him again.

pictures of good old war and personL soon. none of anthony because of the bailing early but oh well.

oh, so my new doctor is cool as shit. real easy to talk to...which was good because idk why but i was completely hysterical this time. something about reciting the past three years of medical history just really unsettles me. i had cryo, which was pretty fucking painful if you ask me, but it seems like this may be the end for now. if it was successful i theoretically don't have to worry about any imminent threat for at least the next 8 years. fuck. yeah.

oh i was getting high. yeah, i was getting real high...by myself but i still felt this pain

i hear sound echo in the emptiness

so apparently stephenie meyer is directing the upcoming video for "the resolution" and i really don't know how i feel about that. can someone please explain the appeal of twilight to me? i mean, i was very anti-HP for a long time and i'm obsessed now, but if i want a vampire book (which i don't) i think i could settle for some anne rice.

austin labor day soccer tournament this weekend. worked for my dad out at the la frontera marriott tonight selling shirts. so easy, and it pays hella well. i guess knowing people counts for something huh? spent a lot of time on photoshop, surprise surprise. i'm glad people like what i'm doing. it is totally encouraging.

i love M.I.A. - i think i finally get what all the hype was about.

hmmm. i'm blanking right now.

i've never been so lost, i've never felt so much at home.

somehow, in the time between being in my car until i get to my laptop, i lose all desire to write a blog. i'm trying to make myself do this everyday. consider this my threesixtyfive that all the trendy kids are doing on flickr. except, more candid. less editing. completely bare - no lens to capture a moment, just my thoughts.

i love austin. i forget that i have a past here. it is slowly coming back to me...the problems and the history seem like a lifetime ago. somehow, the same anxieties keep resurfacing.

fuck not being 21. everyone treats me like i'm a kid...what can you do? at least people think i'm older...even though i look about ten. a bit of a paradox, i know.

went to see alex tonight. the meg and dia/jonezetta/ danger radio show passed through austin today, and i was able to work the morning and afternoon shift at hot wok, so i was free. sarah and i took our precious time a bit too much, but it was great. i got to see eileen and allie....for the first time in a very long time. it was great. i could totally be a south austin kid...if only i wasn't committed to a job. then i would just move downtown, and just exist. i really think i could thrive there.

the show was at emos...i have so much history there. plus, makes me want to hit up true blue when i pass it. maybe i'll take a picture of my tattoo tomorrow? i think i might get my drop shadow added this weekend and finish up the piece. then moving on to the work i want done on my ribs. fuck. yeah.

i was wrong. i am not as far in as i thought with him. ghosts tend to haunt me, even ones that never even truly manifested themselves to begin with. just little gusts of something behind the veil, prickling anticipation building in every inch of skin - but once you turn to face what causes this elation, there is nothing but the weight in the air of what you cannot reach or really see.

i'm in love with the idea of someone. people pass judgment when a woman marries for a money, a man marries for beauty, a fan marries for celebrity, anyone marries for appearances. but we are all in love with ideas. maybe we put ourselves on a pedestal above these people, or think we are superior, but it is just because we are able to justify to ourselves that our idea is what everyone should commonly aim for. a preconceived notion of society of who would be a fitting mate or spouse or companion. but we are in love with the idea of this is who we should be with. or the idea that we have to find our soul mate. or ourself in someone else. or everything we can't be in our counterpart. these are still ideas. coming down from the "event" i was still in love with the idea of who i could be with him, of who i was in relation to him, and him to me. i am still in love with that idea, which is why i can't let go. why i thought he was the end-all, be-all for me. he succeeded in making me move past him...as he wanted...but he couldn't make me let go of the idea of him. no one can, except for me. even knowing that is what i'm in love with this idea, since i can't truly love someone who does not love me, i don't know that i can let go. but i have let go of him.

and i know- i dont think, i know- that my ideal, my idea, my happiness is not contained within one person and one person alone. he was not the only one who i will ever let in, or who i could ever let in.

i know that this crush, this breath of fresh air that has been lingering near for weeks, still has a place. not necessarily in my heart, but at least here in my mind.

hey hey hey we're all gonna die.

i wish that had turned into a real song. maybe one day it will surface haha. i'm actually really optimistic right now. ironic much?

i finally feel like i am...turned on. feeling healthy again, slowly but surely. back to drinking too much caffeine. listening to music. driving. wanting to get out. working out my incompletes. work today from 1030-730. slow. as. hell. tips were shitty. what can you do?

i'm a textaholic. oh well.

show tomorrow night with sarah. get to see alex. fuck yeah. it should be a good night.

new episode of weeds finally posted online. what the fuck is she getting herself into?! she is infuriating me. plus the fact that shane had sex is fucked. up. 13? i can't imagine.

i need new music. something new to get excited about. any suggestions?

hmmm. that's all i got.

red fingernail polish peeling like a sunburn.

"that black designer dress looks better underneath our feet, your knees in the dirt."

dirty. i'm loving it. it kinda reminds me of fall out boy though. anyone know what i'm talking about? i'll love you forever if you can figurer it out...it's not obscure or anything. it's actually on from under the cork tree.

the glass passenger hits so hard it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. the way it makes me feel....i almost can't handle it. sam and i have spoken about people who we were meant to cross and whose paths are intertwined, and i'm sure that andrew is among them. if only i had been able to look outside my medicated, boxed-in little mind, stuck in the moment, and could see the big picture. it is such a hard line to walk - living in the moment, while keeping your bearings among the scope of the world. it's a daily struggle, but it is the only way to live.

i hate acronyms. i hate hospitals. i hate having to know so much about my disease i might as well have a medical degree. ASCUS, ASCH, AGC, AIS, LSIL, HSIL. what's the difference between a squamous cell and a squamous lesion? what's the latest treatment according to the ACOG protocol? i mean. what. the. fuck.

oh yeah, surgery is postponed until this friday. joy.

you know what else is fucked up? reading your own medical records. i just skimmed the highlights...and some of that shit blew me away. i've been screened for depression multiple times before i turned 16. who knew? i didn't. apparently my parents had some idea what i was in for, but did they seek treatment? no. they let me turn into a fuck up.

i also hate being sick. i think most doctors are full of shit. no, a salt water gargle is not going to cure me of my 101.6 degree fever i had for four hours. no, a nasal spray isn't going to get rid of my tension headaches. you have a coupon for it from the pharmaceutical rep though? how convenient. i am finally mobile again, but still miserable. i've been running a fever since late friday night and i have been miserable. chris and i were joking that i had the plague.

i saw sarah, my baby girl, and i tried oysters for the first time. it was interesting. not half as interesting as our whole flounder, bones, tail and all. it almost made me lose my appetite looking at it. good conversation though.

anyways, being sick, i've missed two concerts, two shifts, a night out on the town, and i've been completely bedridden. it is miserable. i'm still miserable, but at least i can move and talk again.

you know what else i hate? viral marketing. fuck you fbr/dd AND copeland with all your nonsense. it makes my head hurt. i mean- for real?

yeah, i'm always coming down from the night before i met you

the glass passenger lyrics post. at least read the bold...i tried to condense.

lyrics are posted in order according to the original track listing.

the resolution
There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
But I think I'm letting go
To find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

And I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
'Til the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I can hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear

spinning
I'm keeping quiet til there's no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I'll find my words when there's no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning

I'm keeping quiet til the phone stops ringing
Lately it's hard to disconnect, I just want something real
I've found the words if I could just stop thinking

I keep forgetting when the earth turned slowly

swim
You gotta swim, swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim, swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth
The currents will pull you away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days despite of the absense of sun
Choking on salt water, I'm not giving in - I swim.

Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise it's not as far as you think
Currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above. swim

american love -
" You leave for college at the turn of autumn
I spent the winter diving to the bottom
I kiss your neck but I just can’t look you in the eye

You see I got this critical conscience
A brand new black hole in the solar system
I dig my grave but I just cant stand to step inside

And now there’s no turning back
In the face of the sweat we share
There’s nowhere to run
You’re so unprepared
It’s a new heart attack
Brand new bricks on my back to bear
Don’t say a word they might find us there

You see I got this American love
A hidden planet in my solar system
Keep your eyes shut I just cant stand to say goodbye

Big hearts big hearts
Big hearts are for breaking "

what gets you off -
see blog title

crashing
And even if your voice comes back again
Maybe they'll be no one listening
And even if I find the strength to stand
Doesn't mean I won't go missing
And the world will come crashing

I wanna hear some music
I have been waiting down here for so long
Trying to write this big music,
With your breath on my face
But now, now you're gone

And the world will come crashing
And the words will come crashing
And the music comes crashing
Down on me

annie, use your telescope
So they made my life into a movie
As if I could forget those years
But I know where the time's gone
Just how well my mind's been wandering
Annie, use your telescope

Hello? Is there anybody out there?
Hello? I'm only getting farther, oh.

suicide blonde
Living well but we're dying young
To bankrupt a blue sky

She's a suicide blonde.
Dyed by her own hand, ooh.
Suicide blonde.
Part of the big plan,
She's part of the big plan.

drop out - the so unknown
Where we can contemplate our chemistry
And your eyes were lined with questions
With the blood rushing to waste
To take this feeling with us to our graves, to our graves

I get the feeling we're so misdirected
I get the feeling we have lost control
Til then I'll turn you to the new religion
We're dropping out into the so unknown
So unknown, yeah.

We're hiding out until the empire falls, let it fall.

If we have lost control,
We're drifting slow so we drop out

And I'll give you this confession,
I am taking you with me.

hammers and strings (a lullaby)
These hammers and strings
Been following me around
From a box filled garage
To the dark punk rock clubs
Of 1000 American crowds
And my friend calls me up

But I miss you like hell.
I still hear you in this
Old piano, oh yeah."

But I still hear your ghost
In these old punk rock clubs
Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
The keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby, a lullaby

And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby, a lullaby.

bloodshot
The hill's still left to climb
It's just so
High, And I'm so
Tired. Come on look me in my bloodshot eyes
The clouds are all on fire
It's just so high
And I'm so tired
Come on look up at the bloodshot sky
The clouds are all on fire

We wait in valleys whiles the clouds come in
We see no shadows, 'cause the shadow's all there is
And we climb

orphans
I am looking for a sign
My spirit's faded
She holds on like a vine
Patterns in traffic
They sound just like my heart
Race in the dark
In time to catch you.
No one should let you
Go wandering off into the night
You're not an orphan.

I never thought the day would come
They tell me that you've finally run
I guess you always said you would someday
(you're not an orphan)

caves
I'm caught, somewhere in between
Alive and living a dream.
No peace

I lay still. still I'm ready to fight.
Have my lungs but you can't take my sight.
The walls caved in tonight.

The walls are caving as far as I can see
The walls are caving in, the doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

I fought a war to walk a gang plank into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

at full speed
In between the white lines where I found love
All alone on a road going nowhere
Going nowhere
Going nowhere at full speed

And I have travelled far
And I've seen things that I'd rather not say
When you're travellin' it's better that way
The darker the secret, the harder you'll keep it
But it's no victory always running away like I do
Always know that I'll come back to you

i lied. i think i was unwilling to accept this album because it hits so close to home...i just can't get enough now.

we had it all in front of us, you were the one i was in love

my little sister is listening to everything in transit. it makes me want to bust out crying. the glass passenger makes me cry, but it doesn't move me the same way (yet)...i'm not sure anything will ever live up to what everything in transit has meant to me.

so next week is going to be a little...packed. hopefully it all works out.

i didn't wake up until noon today. sore throat, headache. i feel like shit :( i hope it is just allergies.

i wanna hear some muuuuuusic

upcoming concerts

8/28- anthony green / good old war / person l

rock bottom tattoo bar

9/11 - this providence / a rocket to the moon / the cab / hey monday

rock bottom tattoo bar

9/12 - tokyo police club / the whigs

emos

9/15 - ratatat

stubb's

9/26-28 - austin city limits

austin

10/3 - ra ra riot / walter meego / the morning benders

stubb's

10/9 - we the kings / the academy is / hey monday/ carolina liar

emos

10/15 - the rocket summer / the morning light / phantom planet / the secret handshake

emos

10/18 - portugal the man/ earl greyhound / wintersleep

emos

10/24 - cold war kids / a.a. bondy

emos

or

10/24-26 - voodoo music festival

new orleans

10/30 - reign of kindo

emos

11/8 - cobra starship/ forever the sickest kids/ hit the lights / sing it loud

scout bar

11/13 - panic at the disco/ dashboard confessional/ the cab/ plain white t's

frank erwin center

?? - jack's mannequin headlining tour

???

come on, write me a song - give me something to trust

yeah, i'm always coming down but i'm doing my best to get caught

alright, last couple of days have been pretty boring but wonderful. my boo sara moved into her dorm today :( i'm going to miss her like crazy but at least she's close by.


saturday was really chill. hippie party at jessica's apartment. i saw a bunch of people that i graduated with but never really knew. jessica, sara, and i picked on john, this guy who also graduated 06 and apparently works at wok express. so of course the hot wok people ganged up on him. i got majorly hit on by this super sketchy dealer...while the party was getting busted. who tries to impress someone with drugs when the cops are busting up the party? oh well. people were being reckless and there were a shit ton of people around. there was also a party in the apartment building right next to us, and they got in much more serious shit. we got lucky when they started arresting people there instead. lots of stupid people vomiting /passing out during the night. some good antics though all and all.

sunday was pretty uneventful day. sara had to meet up with her day at 830 so we left jessica's at 8. went back home intending just to go to bed, but stayed up reading most of the day. finally finished middlesex. i think i should do a comprehensive list of all the books i've read this summer/this year or something. i've been reading like a mad woman. i went to the mall with my dad and brothers and then saw the animated star wars movie - clone wars or whatever. it was pretty lame. don't get me wrong, i love me some star wars, but i didn't dig this at all :/ then work from 430 to close. i was feeling really ill, i think i caught whatever ian had :( it only lasted a few days though. went to chilis with the family once sarah and mom got back from out of town soccer stuff.

monday, day off. started unpacking...to no avail. there's no place to put my stuff. i need an apartment like woah. i guess i should go looking this weekend or something. went and got my soco tattoo :) i got these lyrics from "miss america" on north added to my stars - "the stars are coming out in waves" on top and then ". . . when does this twisting end?" on the bottom. it looks amazing but is a little sore. the guy who ended up doing the tattoo at true blue, mike, was awesome. i know i'm not an easy client to tattoo...especially when it's on my rib cage to begin with...but he did an amazing job. sara and i were there for over three hours...including sterilizing, sketching, stenciling, the works. it was only $150, but totally should have been more, so i left at $50 tip. he said he would add a drop shadow for me for free whenever this healed up, and i would recommend his work to anyone. he's so nice...no blow outs, not heavy handed, but still a very quick artist. he also has a really good eye for flow and direction.

then sara and i hit up kerbey lane on guadalupe. mmmm pancakes :) we ended up seeing alyx walk by while we were waiting for our food and decided to drop by and see her and the twins and some other people at kasbah when we finished up. stuck around kasbah for like fifteen minutes, talked about invisible children and this semester a lot - the twins leave for chicago friday, which is exciting. i remember when i was excited about going to school haha.

tuesday, bummed around all morning trying to find my missing copy of the fountainhead. worked from 330 to 930. came back and really tried to consolidate all my stuff down/organize my boxes. it is such an undertaking...ugh. jack's leaked early this morning/late monday night so i listened to it nonstop nonstop nonstop. a lot of people on the boards are saying that if you listen to it you are being a disloyal fan...and once i heard andrew was upset about it i felt real guilty, but i support them like crazy. i was really hesitant about this album, but all of my worries are gone - so now i'm even more motivated to push it to everyone like crazy. review coming soon - it has blown my mind though. i can't wait to see all of this performed live :) headlining tour better come to texas.


today, i watched the new episode of weeds from this week online. went to say bye to sara and gave her some vitamin c and my chair for her dorm for the semester. uploaded a ton of pictures to facebook. i still need to scan in my fisheye film, but i guess thats a project for tomorrow. caught up on project runway, unpacked more, drank lots of coffee. . .now i'm watching greek. idk, i like this show. my sister always records it for me and somehow i got suckered into it. she also got me liking the jonas brothers a little bit. i never got into hanson, but i can totally dig me some jonas brothers. went to bush's chicken for lunch with the family and ran into mr. san luis who i hadn't seen in ages. spent way to much time on jm.org trying to stay caught up and listened to the album at least four more times. that's all for now i guess :)

if you'd just trust in me, you know i trust you.

recap? i'm back in austin. i've withdrawn from school from the semester. surgery a week from today. i'm ready...for the breakdown. i will fill in with more details but not at this exact moment. here's a rough outline of my life, a swift arc through the past two-three weeks of my life. i feel my strength coming back with every day i'm away from my meds.

"It's tragic," she says to me.
A song in the air, we're together floating.
What I miss everyday since our goodbye
was enough for me to realize.

Woah woah, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Well, nothing feels good being under the gun.
Woah oh, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Is it ever gonna come?"

july 31st - 2nd day in birmingham. wait for sam to get off work. drive around. go get pizza with chris. go to this cool record store. chris and sam find some amazing records at check-out. go to the india shoppe and piece shopping. go over to mitch's to drink. apples to apples. drinking with jesus. purp. vinyl. beer. good conversation. sigur ros cd. sam and i bail because she has to go to work. i text mitch and sam ends up bringing me back. awkward trying to stay awake with caleb, chris, and mitch listening to steely dan until i'm about to pass out. conversation about the spiritual meaning of my relapse. fate. how things happen for a reason, ie. invisible children. more awkwardness and more amazingness. more good music. top of the world. piercings, tattoos, soul, spirit. everything bared. ripped wide open, swept off my feet. looking into someones eyes and seeing myself. no sleep.

august 1st- sushi. coffee at barnes and noble. salvation army. sitting in lawn furniture trying to think of something to do. hot as balls.

august 2nd- sat at barnes and noble. iced tea and carmel frapp. two copies of ap, hm, blender, spin. analyzing every ad, article, opinion, picture, review. good, bad, in between. looked at a bunch of ayn rand, inspirational, and spiritual stuff. talked about narnia on the way to see prince caspian at the dollar theater. candid talk about being medicated, being sick. prince caspian was just as good the second time. shocked that he made a reference to the resemblance of the actor playing prince caspian and william beckett of the academy is. singing along to our worlds' divorce. lunch was at some mexican restaurant if i remember correctly. moved out of sams. show at cave 9. red dog alley cd release.

august 3rd- .picking up his guitar and playing along to the everglow. the dark knight. pizza. barnes and noble, shopping, while he is at work earlier that day. too tired to head over to coreys. no answer from sam. called it a night...kinda. very chill day.

august 4th- started requiem for a dream while napping. bad choice. planet smoothie. be here now. umphree's mcgee. starbucks. african red bush, mae, and a pad of paper. bought refills for my coach planner, underwear at victorias secret. i always imagined underwear shopping would be embarassing with a guy, but it is so much worse when all the clerks know the guy and not you. moe and the best smoothie of my life. sam and chris flake out on dinner. purple onion with corey and mitch. lots of conversation about greece, europop, and pop punk music. listen to driver f, we the kings, this providence. go back to mitchs to change for the party. bits and pieces of what comes next remain, but no clear picture. me changing into my swimsuit. him on the bed with his guitar. my anxiety about the ex coming in town. the one he told me he thought he was going to marry....the one i caused him to change his mind about. accusations thrown. tears. crying. the seriousness of the situation pressing down upon us. reality finally setting in.

august 5th- finish requiem for a dream after being released. slept through a lot of arguing apparently. moved back to sams until i was well enough to drive early the next morning.

august 6th- birmingham to memphis. bullshit with being on the list for jacks....dinner with grant.
tried to find tattoo parlor but failed.

august 7th- another failed attempt at getting my tattoo done. packing. dinner and beale with phoebe. paper route, phantom planet, jack's mannequin and paramore at mud island amphitheater. saw mandy, alex, and a bunch of phoebe's friends. sat next to some cool ass kids, who unfortunately had never heard of jack's. poop on them. they loved their set though, so right on. paramore put on a good show. swim instead of the resolution. synchronicity?

august 8th- packed in memphis, drove from memphis to jackson and then packed in jackson.

august 9th- drove from jackson to austin. got in town around....6. gotta love 600 miles of driving.

august 10th- the morning light. steel train. the cab. the hush sound.

august 11th- first day of work. cashier/server at hot wok cafe. ma li is the shit. sara trained me.

august 12th- second day of work. 10:30-2:30. 5:00-9:00. pineapple express with chris.

august 13th- day off. tropic thunder with chris and patrick. watched gladiator. in the land of women. hollywoodland.

august 14th- work from 10:30-2:30, 4:00-7:45. met up with kel and john. steiner for the first time in a long long time. mcdonalds. fnmtv on dvr.

august 15th- work today from noon to 7:30. was supposed to be 11:30-2:30 but missy called in sick so i got to cover the whole day basically.