i don't feel any different

Those who crafted me, be they gods or demons, crafted this mind that shapes my resistance to their schemes. Surely they were wise enough, at the wheel where I was thrown, to anticipate further resistance in the heart they were abuilding

 - Tom Robbins

I don't have any resolutions this year. I hadn't really thought about it, it kind of sneaked up on me. Even when I was celebrating new year's eve with Sarah and some new friends, it didn't seem real at all and the ball drop didn't really phase me. Maybe it was because I wasn't anticipating it, maybe it was because I finished my applications and that felt more final than the first minute, the first day of the new year, maybe it was because I didn't have someone to ring in the new year with. I'm trying to worry less - that is the goal. Now it is just time to wait.

This is the year of waiting. Waiting for application confirmations. Waiting for responses, hopefully for offers. Waiting for my departure (finally) from Millsaps. Waiting for this summer. I don't know where I will be traveling, but I'm just waiting. More importantly, waiting to start the next phase of my life. I will end up somewhere in this country from Denver to Nashville to Ithaca or a number of cities in between and this is what I've been anticipating for years now. A fresh beginning. A chance to do it right and to study and spend my time the way I see fit. My own apartment. My own life. My own place. No more wandering and searching for answers somewhere halfway across the world, and hopefully the only frequent flyer miles I will be acquiring will be in the process of returning home - be it Jackson or Austin. I'm not sure what to expect, but all I can do is wait. Wait and hope.

the necessity of nescafe

so, i hope that by writing something without pressure i can get the words flowing again, at least enough to write my personal statement. the gravity of the situation, applying to graduate programs, is building and accumulating more and more stress and imminence. i have what feels like a million and a half things to do at school, what with research paper season on the horizon, my archaeological projects looming in the distance, and simple things like having to make my tutoring hours. the GRE is on monday and it honestly slipped my mind this weekend. granted, i was busy working on other things so it wasn't like i was idling, but all of this just feels like too much. there is never enough time in each day and i can't even think about being social - my 23rd birthday is on saturday and now it looks like i won't be celebrating at all. well, celebrating by putting together grad school dossiers, editing my writing sample and drafting my personal statements. how did all of this sneak up on me? i like to think i'm more on top of things than a lot of people, so i can't imagine how anyone else could manage right now. the one thing i'm looking forward to most at the moment is knowing that next semester it will be smooth sailing - just french, herodotus with dr. yates and a directed study of vergil with dr. sypniewski. the one time in my college career that i will be taking less than 18-22 hours and i will be taking 12. i can't even imagine what that will feel like...i guess a girl can dream after all.

right now, i'm in the process of typing out passages in greek for my seminar paper and crafting my own translations. sure, i can translate in class, but trying to put something onto paper that isn't translationese, that a normal, run of the mill person could get the sense of the meaning - now that can be a challenge. i'm four passages in out of eight, so i'm making progress - just very slowly.

what do i want to do at grad school? how can i articulate my goals? i suffer from shiny ball syndrome - i'll chase anything that catches my eye. i know what i want to do - to a point. first and foremost, i want to learn. well, that isn't really going to be an award-winning answer, but it is true. i want to know more, i want to see what else is out there. i've only seen a very thin slice of what classics had to offer and i'm ready to spread my wings a bit. nothing appeals to me more than the thrill of the hunt - finding an idea and chasing it down. sometimes it can be disheartening, sometimes someone else fifty years ago, six months ago came up with the same argument, but finding that space for the way my mind works around an issue...that is worthwhile.

i don't have any doubts about whether i will be able to handle graduate school, it is just a matters of getting there. if only i had more time - if only i hadn't put so much on my plate this semester. luckily i have great mentors that are helping me along the way, but it is still overwhelming. yesterday, dr. turkeltaub and i were emailing back and forth and i hadn't really realized how much i miss him. i'm glad to have an ally outside of millsaps and i'm glad he isn't here to see the slightly panicked look in my eye every step of the way. i'm so tired, so exhausted all of the time -  my body just can't keep up with all my mind has to do these days. a big part of the problem is that i have run out of coffee here in the room and i haven't had time to one, go get coffee off campus or two, heaven forbid make it to the grocery store. if billy weren't in the middle of initiation week, i know he would go do it for me, but he is in the same boat (for the time being) as i am. i don't like asking people for help, but there is really no escaping it at this point.

some things are looking up - my finger isn't hurting any more and i have a whole store of arthritis cream to keep the pain at bay. i thought with the weather cooling off it would start to flare up again, but i've been lucky thus far. all of the online components are completed, except for my personal statements and writing samples at this point. i have all my transcript requests ready, so that is another plus - just have to get those cover letters in place. it feels like such a distant memory applying to undergraduate programs, it is hard to believe that i've been through a similar process before. it is a bit more daunting to say the least, and now that i'm older i understand the gravity and weight of every word, misplaced punctuation, forgotten bureaucratic nonsense (no staples, only paper clips - last name first, social on every page, whatever the little inane details may be).

what is most frustrating of all is that i don't have any peers to talk to about this. dr. s has become that peer in a lot of ways, but no one i know has applied to graduate school in classics. i recently decided to drop chicago from the list of schools i was applying to and simply trying to explain why i dropped that school is a headache. the politics of classics, the way programs work...i can't even say that "oh, well chicago is like michigan...they chew you up and spit you out." outsiders don't know what it is like, what i have to "look forward" to in my education. it becomes more arduous to discuss the process than it is to tackle it (says the girl sitting at a computer writing a blog). class in an hour, then hopefully employing my survey for methods and statistics.

instant coffee in hand, i'm ready to face this first draft.

chemistry on ice

08.17.2010
visingsö

i'm so excited about leaving, about only having four nights left at the cottage that i actually started to pack up my things. dresses are rolled, work clothes put away, travel clothes neatly folded to the side in my dresser. i have a meeting with the curator at the jönköping museum tomorrow to collect and document my samples for my REU research project, so my turquoise striped ralph lauren polo, a white undershirt, and my black skinny jeans are sitting in another pile. my levi's and two t-shirts to switch between make up the rest of the outfits for my stay here. all of the souvenirs at risk of being broken are wrapped, secured, and tucked away in my suitcase. my toiletries that meet airline regulations are tucked away in my TSA-approved quart-sized container. billy's cable knit sweater is sitting in the bottom of my book sack for the plane. four more nights here, and i may be overzealous, but it is comforting, reassuring, and somehow a bit of a grounding in reality to watch my belongings find their place in my black rolling duffel. i'm so glad that i'm not living out of a backpack this time around. finished the remaining, crumbled bits of the bottom of the special k red berries box for breakfast, glass of orange juice and my routine cup of coffee and gave myself thirty minutes to read before heading to the big house for work. a long morning of chemistry, but without a lab partner, my ipod kept me company - a morning full of conor oberst. outer south to start the day, then i'm wide awake, it's morning followed by fever and mirrors. back to the cottage for lunch, tomato and cheese panini with a side of peach and passionfruit yogurt topped off with a fresh banana. after lunch, tina was back from dropping mike off at the bus station and helped me out for the afternoon. jessie wanted to help out, too, so she sat in a chair directly behind tina and i at the lab table, constantly glancing over my shoulder and doing menial jobs such as breaking apart dirt while it was still in the sample bag and holding open the grocery bag as i dumped in my finished samples. she wants to be an archaeologist because it is 'fun' and noted that she felt like we were in a stadium. let me explain: the floor lamp lighting the work table reminder her of spotlights at the hockey arena and she was in the 'second row.' apparently since she was in the audience, that meant we were on the ice, so of course it became an afternoon of 'chemistry on ice' for the imaginative six-year old. a stressful mix up with doubling and overlapping numbers in the next bag that i tried to sort, exacerbated by awful handwriting from a full-grown boy. nutella and banana toast and then i cozied up in my bed to watch true blood season two. tina brought over groceries, i took a luke-cold shower, then a nap before dinner. veggie burgers with dijon while listening to blonde redhead. starting a new book now - here's to hoping i can read all 664 pages before i leave for stockholm.

a day just like any other

08.10.2010
visingsö

the sun finally came out and it woke me up around five this morning. i still haven't been sleeping well which is making each day increasingly difficult. i really want to go home at this point - i'm just beat and these long, sleepless nights aren't alleviating any of this growing unease. anna and jorgen from the jönköping museum went out with myself, tina and mike, though jorgen didn't arrive until a little bit later in the day. this morning really t is making my sook it out of me and my left arm is hurting a little - i think my lethargy is making my sampling technique sloppy and i've hurt myself as a result. grilled cheese and a granny smith apple for lunch and i'm starting true blood season two. i finished reading the private patient around 11:15 last night and i don't know what i will move on to tonight - i really don't know if i can make myself do work knowing all of the work that will be facing me on the first day of class, two weeks from today. working in the department, layout editing for the purple and white, teaching assistant for greek two, greek and latin tutor, french 1000, latin 4000, greek 4000, methods and statistics, working in the keck lab for the albanian project and writing my reu paper/doing the mass spec and research on the pottery sherds i will be bringing back. oh, and grad school applications, study and take the gre, get my homer paper up to conference presentation level, and visit schools. maybe this is where the unease is stemming from.

this morning we worked near the east coast and there was the incentive to finish each row to see the coast. such a breath of fresh air, such a relief.

in the afternoon, tina and i split off and went to work in a cloverfield near the theosophist's tempelgården. never before have i seen a greco-roman temple (or an attempt at one) with a swedish flag flying over it - that is probably a once in a lifetime kind of deal.

the field was awful and almost as unforgiving as pasture, so the afternoon was arduous to say the least. at least tina and i were afforded two brief respites under tree cover in some small forested patches on the land.

i was glad to have the sun shining, though - heat, sweat, and all. had some tea and a small bowl of special k red berries and watched a bit of the third season of true blood (trying to catch up) before heading out for a ride at about five - i was hoping the number of tourists would dwindle as the afternoon wore on so i could enjoy my ride in peace. they were out in droves when we brought anna back to her car at the harbor and i wanted a little peace while i was out. the wait made a big difference. rode to the coop nara and dropped off my postcards, round two, then headed all the way down to kumlaby. it is amazing how my stamina is building up  so quickly. stopped a dozen or so times to get photos of some of my favorite passenger-side drive-by haunts.

took a detour through rökinge and by the russokyrkagården (the russian graveyard) where we saw the gpr demonstration earlier on - i don't know when exactly that was anymore, to be honest. i listened to everything in transit on the way out, but by the time i got to the graveyard i hadn't realized i was already on the last track. switched over to the glass passenger, coasting home over the last refrain of the chorus in what gets you off.

shower, painted my toenails, and then headed downstairs to get started on dinner (hands were washed between those last two activities, i assure you). made pasta - broccoli, garlic, mushrooms, and slices of veggie dogs in a red sauce, wheat penne. i was ravenous but wasn't really satisfied once i started eating, even though it was delicious - i felt like i was eating just to eat. maybe it is partly jess' hyper-awareness of food rubbing off on me, but i'm thinking about what i'm eating now more than ever. now i'm off to sort through my photos over some lavender tea, then skype date with my fella. nothing all that proud, nothing all that new - but still, today was a good day.

befuddled

08.03.2010
visingsö

the weather today only looks marginally more promising than the weather yesterday, so we will see how work goes. i heard through the grapevine that once it starts raining in sweden it basically means your summer is over, but i think i will go stir crazy if it rains every day for the rest of the project. i'm really a little anxious about getting started on my research project, but no one else seems to be the least bit concerned. i wrote my postcards out over breakfast - muesli with some fresh blueberries that hans bought in gränna yesterday, so good. now i'm sitting at the big house wishing i had brought over my e-reader, but hopefully we will go into the field sooner rather than later.

---

today is actually the third, not the fourth..i was a little confused. how exactly did i manage to screw that up? days are getting a bit blurred and there really aren't any milestones to measure them by. friday doesn't mean anything anymore, and mondays are the one day to look forward to - it is all a bit topsy turvy. plus, the fact that i started receiving e-mails talking about returning to campus today, i have a feeling that the days are going to turn into weeks very quickly and just keep flying by. every day i get so excited thinking about putting together my new room, about making the drive to jackson, having my first coffee-shop coffee in ages, kissing billy again, being there to have my hand held. work as usual today, in the meantime, with the exception of a television reporter coming out to film a story about the project. lord only knows there will be footage of me on swedish tv slamming my chest against a metal soil sampler. groceries and coffee, a short nap, more coffee, reading and general contentedness. billy has an interview at broadstreet tonight - i'm sure he will be great. today's update is a little curt, but all is well on the swedish front!

on catching up

07.26.2010-07.28.2010
visingsö and jönköping

okay, so today is actually the 27th and i'm actually really drunk (okay, not in the process of typing this now, just writing it initially). i just got off of a forty-one minute skype conversation with billy after five glasses of wine and a lot of drunken rambling with mike, hans, and katie. katie has been quiet and a little strange all day - i can't quite put my finger on it, but i have my theories. anyway, i'm basically a misanthrope in any situation - i find myself wanting to spend more and more time alone as the days pass on. after a while, most people seem to become a one-note tune to me after i spend time with them for more than a few days. there are definitely people in every situation who don't fit into that category, particularly those who are a bit more reserved, but they are generally the exception rather than the rule. enough of that, though...i have some catching up to do. it is now wednesday night, not tuesday and i already feel the slowly spreading ease of sleep slipping into my limbs, so i need to move quickly before i have to add another day to the tally of days i'm behind. monday was our day off, but katie and i weren't able to find out what time we would be heading into the city because the ferry office wasn't open to take reservations. woke up at 9:20 instead of 8:20 and found out that we were leaving at 10:40. broccoli and mushroom omelets and apelsinjuice (orange juice) with a pot of coffee that seemed to take forever to heat up. just as we were pouring our first mugs, hans came to the door and insisted that we were already late (we had twenty-five minutes, but tina was worried we would still be asleep or hadn't received her e-mail about the ferry reservation at 11). a slow, relaxing day off just turned into a frantic frenzy in a hurry. got into the car with tina, jessie, and nez and talked about the plan for the day. ferry to grånna then thirty minute ride to jönköping. they dropped us off at the museum and city bibliotek and said they would pick us back up to go to the A6 shopping center together in four hours. we walked around the library, but skipped on the museum since we will be going for free in the near future (theoretically).

headed towards the walking streets and tried to scope out a good cafe to make a game plan. went for espresso at coffeehouse by george on the far side of the canal, passing some roma street performers wailing a duet of "the winner takes it all" on an accordian and a trumpet. decided to find the h&m and just explore the maze of pedestrian zones and walking streets. went to a pretty neo-gothic church a little off the beaten track and then passed a tex-mex market (of all things to see) on the way back to the main drag. went into gina tricot where they were having a 49/99 SEK sale. picked up two adorable dresses, two clutches, and some other accessories for less than $20. got a turquoise belt at h&m for less than $2, but i was generally unenthusiastic about their sale. went to the swedish equivalent of a claire's, ur and penn (though they sell many more watches than you would see at an equivalent store stateside) and another cute boutique, where i added three or four pairs of earrings and four necklaces to my haul. there is something about the thrill of a bargain hunt! then we rushed to the museum, worrying that we would be late because we had been waiting in line to check out at ur and penn, but we were fine. i'm so glad katie has her own watch now, so it was worth the stress of trying to beat the clock to make it back to the museum on time. drove to the A6 center and went to the systembolaget for box wine to get us through the week, while tina, nez, and jessie wen to the bookstore. oh! i thought it was strange, but there was actually a game stop...in sweden! came back and hans came over shortly after we got settled back in at the cottage. made veggie burgers and drank wine. hans gave me a few movies and we talked about film, tv shows, and a little bit about music. listened to robyn and talked about pop music more than anything. i was too tired to update my journal after billy and i skyped, plus my finger was killing me. i really need to lay off the keyboard but that won't happen, i'm sure. it keeps swelling up immensely with next to no notice...i guess i just need to get over it and work through the pain.

tina didn't want me to work the next morning, but i was stubborn. it has warmed up substantially and i thought that was why my finger was feeling better on tuesday, so i worked through it. i went out into the field with tina and hans and we are dangerously efficient together. ended with 73 holes at 3:30, at which point we went to pick up mike from the harbor. came back and took a much needed shower, then headed over for dinner duty at the other house. we made veggie lasagna - spinach noodles, broccoli, artichokes, tomatoes, more spinach, and onions. hans made a salad and his own homemade salad dressing. went back to the house and had an hour to start going through pictures and e-mails before mike and hans made their way over. they hung out while i finished my master promissory note and loan entrance counseling online. why i had to do it again is beyond me, but whatever. we talked about loans and copenhagen, where in the world we would like to travel. i can't wait to travel with someone i love. had five glasses of wine (which i already mentioned) and ended up drunk-skyping for far too long, though it was worth it. love of my life. yet again, not enough time to write (hence why it was far too long of a conversation). finger was fucked up again on wednesday morning, so my weather theory is blown to hell. same teams as yesterday (tuesday), finished 92 holes. cleaned the house and took out the trash during lunch so that our new roommate wouldn't be too repulsed when she arrive. katie is going to have to start cleaning up after herself more - i always do the dishes and cook for both of us more often than not. she needs to pick up the slack a little...or a lot. did laundry and uploaded photos from jönköping and continued my e-mail discussion with holly about grad school. i lack the specificity to find a program that is right for me - why do i have to be a part of a discipline that demands you know what your dissertation will be about six years in advance? damnit. she is helping thought, i just have to figure shit out. made dinner (wheat penne with fresh veggies) and organized music on my computer. made sure my downloads of mad men and fantastic mr. fox worked (they did!) and then skyped before starting this update. now time to cozy up with my digital copy of lord of the rings on my e-reader - the perfect end to a long day.

purgatory

07.17.2010

newark, new jersey

so, i still have four hours to kill. i got to newark two hours ago, still groggy from the flight. i was able to sleep a little, but it was more of a fever dream than actual sleep. i haven't had much of a chance to rest...around 10:30 last night i realized i only had six hours until i had to head out to austin bergstrom and i still hadn't showered or finished up typing my journal entries from my last trip. i typed another three pages and said forget it, i'll just bring this other journal with me, too, even though it is riddled with field notes, bus schedules, and haphazard directions to various hostels across the balkans. finally climbing into bed at a quarter past midnight and i'm exhausted, ready to catch despite my nerves. i usually had a hard time shutting off my mind the night before a trip - did i pack enough? too much? did i remember (insert item here)? don't forget your phone charger in the morning! - but i was ready to compartmentalize my ocd in lieu of some shut eye. and then i reached for my nightguard, opened my case and it was empty. i vaguely remember it being next to the case but not in it when i woke up yesterday, so maybe it fell under the bed or by the nightstand. flashlight out, no luck. sarah helped move the mattress, still no luck. pull out the mattress support, completely disassembling the bed, still no luck. woke up my mom who also helped look, still nothing. theory? cocoa hasn't gone to the bathroom all day, it is acrylic but only big enough to cover two of my teeth so it is still small enough to swallow, and it smells like me. cocoa used to chew up clothes that i had worn, so this wouldn't be unprecedented. my mom drove to the 24-hour walgreens and bought some disposable mouthguards, but i can't get a replacement made until december since it was made in-office at my dentist, not from a mold. damn. needless to say, this delayed my sleep even more and just added to my anxiety. finally nodding off, i don't remember dreaming, just waking with a start. usually when that happens, i still have time to go back to sleep, but my mid-slumber awakening was only three minutes before my 4:15 alarm. double damn. i was in good spirits but once i got to newark, a soulless, lifeless limbo between two ends with six hours to spare, well, i started to despair. to add insult to injury, not only was my departure in the same terminal that i had just arrived in, it was only a handful of gates away - C84 to C92. not exactly a six hour transit time. i wanted to go into the city, but even if i took the train/bus to penn station, what would i do? i don't know where anything is and i have a backpack stuffed full of electronics that i wouldn't really want to subject to the new york subway system. all i would really want to do would be to go to the met, but it would take at least a day to do that right, not just a few rush hours racing the clock to get back through security. i just didn't really plan for this, which i kind of regret, but all of my zeal to squeeze every last drop of adventure out of every possible opportunity is starting to wane - for the time being. i'm still at the lone starbucks in the c terminal, sipping my last skinny vanilla latte excruciatingly slow, partly to enjoy every drop of it and partly to pass the time. i'm sitting next to a german couple who keep eyeing my 'german made simple' textbook in my purse. they just took the place of a swedish family that i will surely see again on the flight to stockholm. i talked to billy for a little while, which always lifts my spirits (as well as raising my heartrate). none of this feels like real life - it never does. plus, when i am alone, it feels more like a daydream. my feet never quite touch the ground and it is only the weight of my backpack and the weight of the ineviable that really grounds me. i'm the one static entity in a changing cast of characters, a rotating group of strangers everywhere from texas to scandanavia to romania and back.

a beginning

07.17.2010
austin, texas

day one, sort of. i'm resolved to do this right and actually write. my heart is battling my mind right now it won't stop racing from the thermos of slightly watered down coffee i downed during the quiet, oddly serene drive to the airport, yet somehow i'm still only half awake. i can feel the askance glance of my neighbor burning into me...maybe that means i'm gaining my confidence back. not that i care about this guy, whatever his story is, but something about my vibe is making him pay attention. most of the time i'm so ill at ease that i try to blend into the walls, but today i feel comfortable in my own skin. i already have one regret rising - that i only brought this one slim volume to fill with my thoughts. so much is bound to happen from now until august 22nd, i don't know if these pages can hold it all. my hand is slowly starting to pick up momentum, fueled by a hazy mix of nostalgia, anxiety, and anticipation. as much as i want to be in chicago right now, it is time for an adventure, a chance to grow - a month to shake off the resentment and ill will. i'm no longer afraid of my research - i always do fine. if i want to stay afloat in grad school i need to stop doubting myself. maybe it is my temperament, or maybe it is a result of my upbringing but i am incapable of letting a day go by without doubting myself - maybe that doesn't always show, maybe people aren't as astute at noticing the slight hesitation that marks every word and movement, the subtle calculation of it all, but every minute of every one of my days is filled with some sort of misgiving. when i traveled last summer, i came back on top of the world, at the top of my game. how would things have been if i hadn't had that confidence? would billy and i have even talked? eastern europe opened my eyes in a very different way, but hopefully sweden will add another dimension to my experiences. i want to be interesting, a compelling character in my own life's narrative, but more importantly i just want to learn. what do i want to learn? everything. everywhere i look, something else catches my eye and diverts my focus. maybe it is stems from my own misgivings about my skills, my limits, but i get equally excited and terrified at every new intellectual stimulus, every new prospect. tell me how anybody thinks under this condition. it is still morning but it feels like i have yet to truly wake up. maybe once i'm in the air everything will start to shift into focus, but i'm not holding my breath or anything. i want to have a clear aim, a focus - not just on this page or in my mind, but in my life. what should my specialty be? why do i want to travel so badly? why can't my past experiences be enough - what keeps driving me? i'm a hypocritical mix of apathy and enthusiasm but something about the balance of the two leaves me perpetually off-kilter. i am a top that is slowly starting to bobble and i never quite know where i'm going to rest, stop this momentum. i like to think that i'm moving towards something, but even this entry is meandering around in time with my thoughts and emotions. i lack specificity, or perhaps i crave too much. am i making any sense? is anyone even listening? staring down my future, i'm scared to death but i want it so bad. i've never wanted a future before, never thought that my life would extend past this over-heightened, somewhat accelerated narrative arc that has already crested its denouement, but maybe i'm in for a cycle, not a single rise and fall. for once in my life i have true hope thanks to a charming boy who swept me off my feet and opened my eyes to reality, shook me from this self-constructed false sense of identity that i had been banking on. all bets are off, the future is uncertain in almost every regard, but now i know (whether or not he will continue to have me) what it is like to not be alone in this inconsistent, unpredictable, ever-changing milieu.

a breath held in

originally uploaded by arthurtheking.

habits

i recently realized i have an addiction. okay, maybe this revelation wasn't all the recent, but it has been slowly edging it's way up into my consciousness. i'm addicted to sound, to noise, to anything that can fill my head and drown out my thoughts. tv on at night, music streaming into my mind, coloring my vision and perception. feet in step with the beat dictating my thoughts and emotions. i can use music to harness my frame of mind. tired? electronic, dance, albums that are older friends than most people. bitter? let's hear about someone else's angst. depressed? power pop. happy? keep the ephemeral elation floating high with orchestration to match. contemplative? let's focus my thoughts on some problem other than my own. i can't have the answer for everything, so why push myself further down into melancholy by putting the weight of the world back behind my eyes.

anything to not face my own thoughts, to not let my mind run in it's usual circles that never quite meet where they should. noise numbs the perpetual desire of my brain to keep working overtime. right now, my heart is still racing thinking about what i've created, what is to come, and i should be napping but it is the last thing that i can consider. all i can consider is what i want, and making it a reality. i want this to work. i'm upset about some of the events of this weekend, but at the end of the day, as my roommate astutely realized, i was much more upset when i thought i had lost you, not him. maybe you are an idea to me, just like i am to you, but it is an idea that i don't want to drown out. i want to say it over and over, through other's words...try to drown out your thoughts with my ability to harness my emotions. maybe that's too personal. maybe i am over estimating the value that my music, the words of others have for me (and hopefully for you) but i want a way to quantify how i feel. something tangible in the meantime. i just want something real.

directions

"If you want to be happy, be"

-Leo Tolstoy

i wish we could open our eyes

...to see in all directions at the same time

14 days.

sorry that i've been updating like crazy...there is too much going on right now. too much that has happened, will happen, and should be happening. i'm overwhelmed.

sorry that i'm taken aback

i woke up with the sun today...what a great way to start off the daunting day i have ahead of me. i'm back in jackson now, wasting time until i have to take my greek test this afternoon. i should start studying for my latin final, or my roman legacy final for that matter, since i have to take both tomorrow, but i'm still sitting here on my bed, fighting sleep. i keep throwing out the word surreal to try and describe the last few days, but i don't think there is any one adjective that can truly encapsulate what i have experienced. unlike the last few weeks that have been full of all-nighters and scrambling to put together term papers, my lack of sleep this past week has been punctuated by experiences i never would have expected. i'm trying to let myself be more spontaneous, live more in the moment, and it is hard...but worthwhile. i used to calculate every moment of every day, trying to thwart the unexpected with thought-out reason and definitive answers and plans so that i didn't have to face whatever chance, fortune, fate (whatever you believe in) threw my way. articulating that makes me feel like i was trying to be a stoic...a hyper-productive stoic, but still, that makes me sound like i could be in league with seneca, or someone of the like.

i can feel the weight of my sleep deprivation right behind my eyes, struggling to remain alert...but i feel the weight of my actions and the bigger issues at hand in my (insert some cliche here...heart, chest, soul).


beyond the rescue, invisible children, road trips and this growing sense of community, something else really unexpected came my way yesterday as well. i love beginnings, even if they are in medias res, and the excitement they incite. this quote reminds me a lot of my dear you (though i swear it was written before i ever read this) from a little while ago. those days are long past, but on the conceptual level it still rings true. i wish i could have some consistency in my life, but the thrill of starting something new and uncertain is more than enough. i just need to stop being so damn awkward. i can't help it...i can get a bit flustered when i have a bit of a crush.
i am in the mood for this is me smiling. obviously, i am "so excited to sleep"...but they feel like a good complement to the tone of the day.

on spontaneity

so, the jackson event ended up being a bust...so now it is new orleans or bust. this is so much bigger than me, than all of us...and i have to be a part of it. sue carrie and i will be driving down, following webb and lloyd, and we are leaving at eight tomorrow. the anticipation is killing me, and i can't sleep. i'm printing out my three pictures right now and trying to get my things together....i can't wait for this. i'm really glad i'm doing this, though it feels a little rash considering the fact that i have two finals on monday. is it bad that i don't really care?

you have no choice, you must not fail

i. can't. wait. so stoked.

'cause you are not alive when i need you

dirt in the ground is what i need
i got another one to tell you
and another one to make you believe
pity in the grass tried to be
the one you needed when i told you
that you wanted something bigger than me

i've got friends in all the right places
i know what they want
and i know they don't want me to stay
isaid that i've got friends in all the right places
i know what they want
and i know they don't want me to stay

'cause you are not alive
when i need you
ineed it quickly
in case you never know

i can't play where i'm not supposed to anyway

dirt in the ground is what I see
i need another reason why
i need another reason, tell me to breathe
the dirtier the sound, the best I breathe
I tried to do it all for you
it didn't do anything for me

i've got friends in all the right places
i know what they want
and i know they don't want me to stay
isaid that i've got friends in all the right places
i know what they want
and i know they don't want me to stay

and you and i will find
that when i need you
i need it quickly
in fact, you'll never know

i've got friends in all the right places
i know what they want
and i know they don't want me to stay
isaid that i've got friends in all the right places
i know what they want
and i know they don't want me to stay

but do i have friends when i need them, or here with me? that is really the problem. be here now...right?

Manchester Orchestra - "I've Got Friends"


this whole album leaked last week, and it was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. i love it and i wish i had time to sit down with this record and enjoy its company the way that i should. maybe this weekend - i'll be spending easter all alone, so why not?

i want to live where soul meets body

11 days - death cab for cutie, cold war kids, ra ra riot


23 days - mae, personL, barcelona, tokyo


31 days - all-american rejects, jack's mannequin, ben harper

shake it out, shake it out

these videos are so beautiful, i love them. manchester orchestra is going to a whole other level for this next album, and i cannot wait.

are you the living ghost of what i need?...i guess we'll see.
are you tired of being alone, are you tired of being alone?

. . .i've never seen a thing so complete
i am the living ghost of what you need
i am everything eternally

View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

but if it was you, i dont think that it would matter

i finally knew that i simply couldnt matter
you finally knew that you simply couldnt matter
i guess that its true that you never knew the passive power of the truth,
so cut me lose
if i could write another phrase
i would be better off this way
but theres no use, theres no use

Manchester Orchestra - The Only One

next week

Wednesday, March 18th
TBA	Aqualung at Latitude 30
03:00 PM	Canadian Blast BBQ at East Tent
05:00 PM	British Music at SXSW Launch Party at British Music Embassy at Latitude 30
09:30 PM	Zolof the Rock & Roll Destroyer at Maggie Mae's
10:00 PM	The Temper Trap at Dirty Dog Bar
10:00 PM	Winter Gloves at Habana Calle 6 Patio
11:00 PM	Kevin Devine & the Goddamn Band at Radio Room Patio
11:00 PM	The Avett Brothers at Stubb's
11:30 PM	Juliette & The New Romantiques at Emo's Main Room
12:00 AM	An Horse at Maggie Mae's Rooftop
12:00 AM	Annuals at Radio Room Patio
12:00 AM	Magic Magic at Spiro's
12:00 AM	Maserati at Soho Lounge
12:00 AM	The Decemberists at Stubb's
12:00 AM	Woodhands at Habana Calle 6 Patio
12:30 AM	Echo and The Bunnymen at Emo's Main Room
01:00 AM	Dear and the Headlights at Spiro's
01:00 AM	Manchester Orchestra at Radio Room Patio
01:00 AM	Natalie Portman's Shaved Head at Dirty Dog Bar
01:00 AM	The Bronx at Red 7 Patio
01:00 AM	These Arms Are Snakes at Red Eyed Fly
01:00 AM	This Will Destroy You at Soho Lounge
Thursday, March 19th
TBA	Erin McCarley at La Zona Rosa
11:00 AM	Indie Labels Keep the Faith at 19A
12:00 PM	Gibson at Maggie Mae’s Gibson Room
02:00 PM	Kerrang! Magazine at The Wave
08:00 PM	3oh!3 at Stubb's
08:15 PM	Al Kapone at Dirty Dog Bar
09:00 PM	Jenn Grant at The Velveeta Room
09:00 PM	Meat Puppets at Stubb's
09:30 PM	Sam Roberts Band at Cedar Street Courtyard
10:00 PM	Aqualung at Elysium
10:00 PM	As Tall As Lions at Cedar Door
10:00 PM	Sebastien Grainger at El Sol y La Luna
11:00 PM	Andrew Bird at Stubb's
11:15 PM	Matt & Kim at Opal Divine's Freehouse
12:00 AM	Abe Vigoda at Red 7
12:00 AM	He Is Legend at Spiro's Amphitheater
12:00 AM	Little Boots at Emo's Annex
12:00 AM	LMFAO at Pangaea
12:00 AM	Lucero at Dirty Dog Bar
12:00 AM	Paper Route at Maggie Mae's Gibson Room
12:30 AM	Ben Harper & RELENTLESS7 at Stubb's
01:00 AM	Harlem Shakes at Red 7 Patio
01:00 AM	Mika Miko at Red 7
01:00 AM	Peter Bjorn and John at Emo's Main Room
01:00 AM	Shwayze at Pangaea
01:00 AM	The Temper Trap at Latitude 30
Friday, March 20th
TBA	Barcelona at Rusty Spurs
TBA	Eric Hutchinson at The Ale House
TBA	White Denim at Radio Room Patio
11:30 AM	Sonicbids at Maggie Mae’s Rooftop
12:00 PM	Aussie BBQ at East Tent
12:00 PM	SXSW Underage Party at Momo’s
08:00 PM	Lights at Buffalo Billiards
09:00 PM	As Tall As Lions at Buffalo Billiards
09:20 PM	Dance Gavin Dance at Cedar Door
09:30 PM	Camera Obscura at La Zona Rosa
09:45 PM	Bedouin Soundclash at Cedar Street Courtyard
10:00 PM	Princeton at Maggie Mae's
10:00 PM	You Me At Six at Latitude 30
10:30 PM	Erin McCarley at The Ale House
11:00 PM	A Day To Remember at Cedar Door
11:00 PM	The Airborne Toxic Event at Aces Lounge
11:00 PM	The Matches at Wave Rooftop
11:30 PM	The Pink Spiders at Red 7 Patio
12:00 AM	DEVO at Austin Music Hall
12:00 AM	SXSeattle at Palm Door
12:00 AM	The Hold Steady at Mohawk Patio
12:10 AM	Lord T and Eloise at Prague
01:00 AM	Black Lips at Emo's Main Room
01:00 AM	Cursive at Radio Room
01:00 AM	Okkervil River at The Parish
01:00 AM	Pelican at Emo's Annex
Saturday, March 21st
08:00 PM	Josh Pyke at Stephen F's Bar
09:00 PM	The Botticellis at Radio Room
10:00 PM	Asher Roth at Vice
10:00 PM	Enter Shikari at Emo's Annex
10:00 PM	Immaculate Machine at Habana Calle 6
11:00 PM	The Duke Spirit at Antone's
11:00 PM	The Mae Shi at Mohawk Patio
11:20 PM	The Crystal Method at La Zona Rosa
12:00 AM	Ponytail at Club de Ville
12:00 AM	Silversun Pickups at Antone's
12:00 AM	Youth Group at Maggie Mae's
12:30 AM	PEDESTRIAN at The Ale House
01:00 AM	Juliette & The New Romantiques at Dirty Dog Bar
01:00 AM	Monotonix at Mohawk Patio
01:00 AM	MSTRKRFT at Radio Room Patio
01:00 AM	Ra Ra Riot at The Parish
01:00 AM	Your Vegas at Maggie Mae's