newark, new jersey
so, i still have four hours to kill. i got to newark two hours ago, still groggy from the flight. i was able to sleep a little, but it was more of a fever dream than actual sleep. i haven't had much of a chance to rest...around 10:30 last night i realized i only had six hours until i had to head out to austin bergstrom and i still hadn't showered or finished up typing my journal entries from my last trip. i typed another three pages and said forget it, i'll just bring this other journal with me, too, even though it is riddled with field notes, bus schedules, and haphazard directions to various hostels across the balkans. finally climbing into bed at a quarter past midnight and i'm exhausted, ready to catch despite my nerves. i usually had a hard time shutting off my mind the night before a trip - did i pack enough? too much? did i remember (insert item here)? don't forget your phone charger in the morning! - but i was ready to compartmentalize my ocd in lieu of some shut eye. and then i reached for my nightguard, opened my case and it was empty. i vaguely remember it being next to the case but not in it when i woke up yesterday, so maybe it fell under the bed or by the nightstand. flashlight out, no luck. sarah helped move the mattress, still no luck. pull out the mattress support, completely disassembling the bed, still no luck. woke up my mom who also helped look, still nothing. theory? cocoa hasn't gone to the bathroom all day, it is acrylic but only big enough to cover two of my teeth so it is still small enough to swallow, and it smells like me. cocoa used to chew up clothes that i had worn, so this wouldn't be unprecedented. my mom drove to the 24-hour walgreens and bought some disposable mouthguards, but i can't get a replacement made until december since it was made in-office at my dentist, not from a mold. damn. needless to say, this delayed my sleep even more and just added to my anxiety. finally nodding off, i don't remember dreaming, just waking with a start. usually when that happens, i still have time to go back to sleep, but my mid-slumber awakening was only three minutes before my 4:15 alarm. double damn. i was in good spirits but once i got to newark, a soulless, lifeless limbo between two ends with six hours to spare, well, i started to despair. to add insult to injury, not only was my departure in the same terminal that i had just arrived in, it was only a handful of gates away - C84 to C92. not exactly a six hour transit time. i wanted to go into the city, but even if i took the train/bus to penn station, what would i do? i don't know where anything is and i have a backpack stuffed full of electronics that i wouldn't really want to subject to the new york subway system. all i would really want to do would be to go to the met, but it would take at least a day to do that right, not just a few rush hours racing the clock to get back through security. i just didn't really plan for this, which i kind of regret, but all of my zeal to squeeze every last drop of adventure out of every possible opportunity is starting to wane - for the time being. i'm still at the lone starbucks in the c terminal, sipping my last skinny vanilla latte excruciatingly slow, partly to enjoy every drop of it and partly to pass the time. i'm sitting next to a german couple who keep eyeing my 'german made simple' textbook in my purse. they just took the place of a swedish family that i will surely see again on the flight to stockholm. i talked to billy for a little while, which always lifts my spirits (as well as raising my heartrate). none of this feels like real life - it never does. plus, when i am alone, it feels more like a daydream. my feet never quite touch the ground and it is only the weight of my backpack and the weight of the ineviable that really grounds me. i'm the one static entity in a changing cast of characters, a rotating group of strangers everywhere from texas to scandanavia to romania and back.
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