a beginning

07.17.2010
austin, texas

day one, sort of. i'm resolved to do this right and actually write. my heart is battling my mind right now it won't stop racing from the thermos of slightly watered down coffee i downed during the quiet, oddly serene drive to the airport, yet somehow i'm still only half awake. i can feel the askance glance of my neighbor burning into me...maybe that means i'm gaining my confidence back. not that i care about this guy, whatever his story is, but something about my vibe is making him pay attention. most of the time i'm so ill at ease that i try to blend into the walls, but today i feel comfortable in my own skin. i already have one regret rising - that i only brought this one slim volume to fill with my thoughts. so much is bound to happen from now until august 22nd, i don't know if these pages can hold it all. my hand is slowly starting to pick up momentum, fueled by a hazy mix of nostalgia, anxiety, and anticipation. as much as i want to be in chicago right now, it is time for an adventure, a chance to grow - a month to shake off the resentment and ill will. i'm no longer afraid of my research - i always do fine. if i want to stay afloat in grad school i need to stop doubting myself. maybe it is my temperament, or maybe it is a result of my upbringing but i am incapable of letting a day go by without doubting myself - maybe that doesn't always show, maybe people aren't as astute at noticing the slight hesitation that marks every word and movement, the subtle calculation of it all, but every minute of every one of my days is filled with some sort of misgiving. when i traveled last summer, i came back on top of the world, at the top of my game. how would things have been if i hadn't had that confidence? would billy and i have even talked? eastern europe opened my eyes in a very different way, but hopefully sweden will add another dimension to my experiences. i want to be interesting, a compelling character in my own life's narrative, but more importantly i just want to learn. what do i want to learn? everything. everywhere i look, something else catches my eye and diverts my focus. maybe it is stems from my own misgivings about my skills, my limits, but i get equally excited and terrified at every new intellectual stimulus, every new prospect. tell me how anybody thinks under this condition. it is still morning but it feels like i have yet to truly wake up. maybe once i'm in the air everything will start to shift into focus, but i'm not holding my breath or anything. i want to have a clear aim, a focus - not just on this page or in my mind, but in my life. what should my specialty be? why do i want to travel so badly? why can't my past experiences be enough - what keeps driving me? i'm a hypocritical mix of apathy and enthusiasm but something about the balance of the two leaves me perpetually off-kilter. i am a top that is slowly starting to bobble and i never quite know where i'm going to rest, stop this momentum. i like to think that i'm moving towards something, but even this entry is meandering around in time with my thoughts and emotions. i lack specificity, or perhaps i crave too much. am i making any sense? is anyone even listening? staring down my future, i'm scared to death but i want it so bad. i've never wanted a future before, never thought that my life would extend past this over-heightened, somewhat accelerated narrative arc that has already crested its denouement, but maybe i'm in for a cycle, not a single rise and fall. for once in my life i have true hope thanks to a charming boy who swept me off my feet and opened my eyes to reality, shook me from this self-constructed false sense of identity that i had been banking on. all bets are off, the future is uncertain in almost every regard, but now i know (whether or not he will continue to have me) what it is like to not be alone in this inconsistent, unpredictable, ever-changing milieu.