an american encounter

08.16.2010
visingsö

finally a day off! last week, i really wasn't able to sleep past nine, but today i was hard-pressed to roll out of bed when my alarm went off at ten despite the blindingly bright light outside my window. started to get dressed before heading down for breakfast and then realized i was not in a rush - why get dressed when there is no hurry? omelet in my pajamas, a slowly sipped cup of coffee over a chapter of the two towers and then i got dressed to face the day. katie and i rode our bikes down to the harbor and waited twenty minutes for the next ferry. left our bikes near the vättern fisk stand and walked across in passenger hold. as we were sitting on the dock waiting to board i heard the familiar but seldom-heard cadence of english speakers behind us, looked at katie and we asked under our breath - americans? that's odd. this is a tourist place that swedish people visit, not other nationalities. how odd. spread out on two benches in the pedestrian quarters and then, after a few minutes delay, the half dozen benches around us all filled up. in a content silence, we looked at the visingsö advertisements lining the walls, then i start to hear the same two guys behind me starting to talk about pitchfork and then fleet foxes of all bands. not two minutes latter, this guy (whose name turned out to be brendan) asked, so are you girls american or canadian? the banter continued on about the island, sweden, why we were here, where each of us was from, what we are/were studying. lars used to live in portland and now lives elsewhere in oregon. brendan lives in montreal, studied computer science and now has a 'real job.' both were surprised that i was from texas but didn't have an accent. what charmers. they, along with everyone else who had flooded the cabin, were on the island for a family reunion. as we were leaving the ferry, the guys invited us for a drink if we ran into each other again in gränna (which was inevitable) and i subsequently lead katie and myself away on a roundabout path to get to the main drag. priced lingonsylt and near beer (less than 4% alcohol per volume, which means it doesn't have to be bought or have its price marked up by the state systembolaget) at the konsum and then went in search of souvenirs. lots of indecisiveness and slowly made purchases, interspersed with coffee breaks from our thermos, free biscotti from the bakery, packed peanut butter and jordgubbsylt sandwiches, and a photo opp with a troll.

as soon as we got to the first gift shop, it was swarming with people, so i stepped outside while katie made her purchases. lo and behold, who was there on the bench outside but lars. it took katie a few minutes to complete her transaction and rescue me, but i had no intention of getting a drink with these random guys in the bustling village of gränna. finally bought some polkagris for the family and rounded out the souvenir shopping with the exception of something 'viking' for my dad. i'm hopeful that i will find something in stockholm, though. came back, loaded down with gift bags, carlsberg near beer, groceries and candy and took the 3:45 ferry back to the island.

the ride back was much less eventful and much less social, but the choppy waters were lulling me to sleep. once we docked, we realized it was raining outside and were going to have to bike back, soaking wet, extra baggage and all. luckily, the forest road kept us mostly dry and the most rain damage came in the form of wet bike seats. had some remnants of our morning coffee heated up and i watched mad men while resisting the urge to nap. as soon as i started the latest episode of true blood, mike showed up so we decided to cook dinner ahead of schedule. katie attempted the stir fry and then we supplemented the sesame nuggets with a side of mashed potatoes with veggies. whiskey and apple juice followed by lindt caramel intense (i even let me southern accent slip in front of everyone when i said caramel) for dessert then said goodbye to mike. tried to finish true blood but talked to billy instead, then finally wrapped up the episode over tea. i've been writing and talking to jess ever since, but now it is time to read and attempt to fall asleep.

i've got this now, my legs are steady now

i just watched grey's anatomy for the first time in a long time, and at the end there was a preview for the season finale. then i recognized the song...or at least the voice of the guy singing, and after a few seconds i was like holy shit, that sounds like barcelona. i go find the preview on youtube to hear it again (since the DVR cut it short) and i was convinced. after looking at barcelona's myspace, my suspicion was confirmed - its them. so great. have a listen -

also, it's small and insubstantial, but one of my pictures in my flickr photostream was picked to be put up on the schmap austin city guide. voila -

you pick up the phone and im so relieved

animal collective on letterman? that's unexpected. check it out.

on recycling

“ Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can"
— Dalai Lama

“ Planning is sometimes just a form of procrastination. ”
— Jesse James Garrett ;] (via szymon) (via present)

“ A painter paints his pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. We provide the music, and you provide the silence. ”

— Leopold Stokowski - British born American conductor (via grace-notes)

“ A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. ”

— Bernard Meltzer (via brokenmachine)

“ Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be. ”

— Heath Buckmaster (via thresca)

“ Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide whether it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they’re deciding, make even more art. ”

— Andy Warhol (via austinkleon) (via jessicachu)

now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you

when the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. . .

. . . that was the beginning of fairies.

i love hook. my movie recorded it on the dvr in the living room, so im sipping some tea watching it with my mom. this was probably my favorite movie as a child. well, up there at least. the little mermaid, labyrinth, fern gully, the dark crystal, rikki-tikki-tavi, darby o'gill and the little people, the velveteen rabbit, bambi, chitty chitty bang bang, and some random fifteen minute dinosaur safety video were my favorites.

shit, and bed knobs and broomsticks. i loved bed knobs and broomsticks.

fraggle rock. mary poppins. jem. strawberry shortcake. sleeping beauty. cinderella. i think thats about all. well, at least all of the movies and shows i was infatuated with.

i was planning on writing, but i am kind of upset. i need to collect my thoughts. i will get everything together during work tomorrow.

you told me this has always been worth living, what's really worth living anymore?

i guess it ruins it to put the ending of a song first, but i love manchester orchestra so the rest of the song is below. they were grouped together with anathallo, colour revolt, page france, and the appleseed cast...and the likes of funeral for a friend and further seems forever, whom i all avoided due to webb. my first time really listening to them again was with mitch, the night before i left birmingham. i put on you brainstorm, i brainstorm, but brilliance needs a good editor (which is actually webbs...and i never returned it). i forgot how much i loved them. but it is so tainted.

when my dad died,

the worms ate out both his eyes. his soul flew right up in the sky. i cried myself to sleep.
when my mother lies alone on her back at night, adding up hours 'til her demise, she counts herself to sleep. when my sister finds my body closed up like the blinds, i tell her i promise it's fine. she cries herself to sleep. the men in the black ties arrive at the house in surprise, to find a little girl by your side, the wood box where you're sleeping. istill see you inside of this god awful house. you move awfully quiet now. and i still feel you everywhere.

not much happened between my return from jackson and austin city limits, so i will try to breeze my way through it with the help of my handy memo pad.

----

monday.

i slept in until past noon, then ate lunch with my mom. we watched tv together, a whole bunch of random stuff like always.

currently, thanks to my moms incessant tv watching habits, i am now watching all of these shows (mostly with her )

-heroes
-fringe
-supernatural
-weeds (which just ended, so doesn't really count)
-criminal minds
-CSI (all of the them)
-law and order (CI and SVU)
-criminal minds
-psych
-monk (sometimes)
-grey's anatomy
-house
-dirty sexy money


i am absolutely in love with fringe. i never really got into lost, but totally appreciate jj abrams. twilight zone + x files + house = fringe. did i already say i loved this? sometimes my dad's taste in shows translates (unlike battlestar galactia...though i did watch a good bit of that back in the day too).

i finally finished twilight today as well. i started new moon after my dermatology appointment. i will tell you what...excisions are not a walk in the park. something about the anesthetic that my doctor uses makes me so ill. it did not help that i sat up and saw her while she was shaving the mole off, if you will. i hate their terminology. shaving...punching out...excising....ugh. makes me sick just thinking about it.

i was supposed to close at work, but i was so so so ill from the anesthetic, it was not even a possibility. i stayed at home, slept, read, and called it a day before 10.

----

more to come later. i caught up editing photos and chatting with arthur...so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

say after me- it's no better to be safe than sorry. take on me, take me on

so i started the day by getting out of bed around 11 and going to lunch with rachel and phoebe on last friday. something about the dynamic of the three of us, just works. just enough play, just enough serious, it really works. they were both headed out of town to spend some time with the family in memphis, so we all met up before they were gone. i wish they had both been around more that weekend, but what can you do? things happen. i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to susan since she left for the airport earlier than expected and i was still with the girls at lunch, but at least we got some quality time in on thursday night. i forgot how much i miss that girl...maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder after all.

then i came back, wrote my blog, and watched the greatest 100 songs of the 80s. katie and i reminisced about our favorite songs on the list growing up and speculated on what would top the list. a ha should have totally been higher up than it was. whatever vh1 :P

it also made me think about this one incredible show experience i had. it was the first time that i really felt like i was experiencing a rock concert in the way they used to happen. rock concerts used to be shoulder to shoulder, sharing your love with the crowd as much as you are with the artist. it is a communal experience, fueled not by your self-consciousness or worry about how everyone else is perceiving you, but by the love and passion shared by yourself and your peers. it was nothing like that, but it was definitely the first time i came close to really bonding with a crowd. it has only ever happened one other time.

i was at a bloc party show at stubbs sometime in the middle of 2006 with ebler, and this band j versus k was opening up for them. then, between sets, there was a bit of downtime in which they played music. and one of the last songs they played, amongst britney spears and assorted other popular music, was bon jovi's living on a prayer. wait, don't stop reading. i know it's lame, but suffer through it. every person in the venue, which is hard to grasp just through the sheer nature of the set-up, started singing when the chorus came on, and for a second - everyone forgot themselves.

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
Whoa, we're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

it didn't matter who you were standing next to, how much cred you thought you were earning from attending this show, whether you are dressed hipper than your neighbor. no judging what shirt someone else is wearing, how they are dressed, the kind of person they are. just one, common, organic experience with a song from our childhood. there is something moving about the song...in such an unexpected way. it gives you hope, and maybe there is hope that rock and roll really isn't dead after all.

arthur, i know i told you i have been really bad about being on the internet. i barely check all my own things, and definitely did not religiously read your blog. i will tell you what though - going through and reading all your entries, i can't help but smile from ear to ear. i told my friend all about you, she was really perplexed by why i was so happy and excited over something online. she doesn't really understand the whole internet friendship thing, but i hope you. in a time when no one knows how to deal with me in person, you handle me better online than they can face to face. and i owe you a great deal for that.

sometimes i feel like i am more worried about attainment than my actual interest in something. i am just as guilty as a lot of people around me. maybe being cognizant of it cancels it out though? i'm not really sure how that works haha.

so i spent a better part of the evening with JP, eating more sushi from haru, and watching the drinking olympics on tv. okay, it was one of those food network showdowns, but it was intense haha. we were kinda perplexed to begin with, hence the assuming it was some kind of drinking triathlon or something, but it was pretty interesting. i was also trying to figure out what happened with my phone - sometime between leaving lunch and sitting down for dinner, my text messages stopped working. i could receive them, make calls, and receive calls, but i could not send text messages. ultimately my phone company reset my sim card or something or another and it was all back to normal, but i was very frustrated there for a minute. i am so dependent on modern technology.

after more food network and mindless channel surfing, jon stewart and the colbert report came on. tony blair was on the daily show, and it was amazing. it was pretty tense for a bit - i wasn't sure if jon had really crossed the line and if blair was going to just up and walk off, but it was a really good segment. apparently blair is teaching a course at yale on globalization, which is really cool. makes me wish i had been able to go there...that was my dream. unfortunately college is one of those goals and dreams limited by linear time. if only it did not have to be that way.

ultimately katie was roused from the dead and came to keep jp and i company. then jp when to go rent baby mama, which turned into quite the extensive fiasco. first, the blockbuster did not have any copies, so he went to run some more errands and waited to see if anyone returned a copy while he was out. then he finally got a copy, got back to new south, and the safety was still on, so we couldn't open it. then after some extensive internet research, jp was able to break through the safety on the dvd case....just in time for me to leave and meet sam. she had to film the girls soccer game, and we met up as soon as it was over.

i have been smoking like crazy...particularly starting last friday. it happens i suppose. oh, i also decided that it is necessary for me to start taking more pictures. my dslr will be on me at all (practical) times from now on.

after meeting up with sam, we went up to her room to get ready, and then headed over to the sketch house. whitney, rachel, irene, james, evan, nick, roscoe, lauren, and dylan were all there, and we drank beer, played rock band 2, and watched people shoot bb guns. that was basically the extent of my time there. oh, and listening to soul music. and awkward conversations about former flings. no, i do not want to give you my ~blessing to have sex with some guy i used to see. i don't feel the need to do it, it is completely gratuitous and just places unneeded resentment between us. love you, but next time - let's not.

sam and i ultimately went to whataburger since we were both starving, to get food for ourselves and all the boys at the house. there was some dissension about whether we were going back to the house, or to the pike house, or what. and i was at the peak of another bout of insecurity. grant wanted me to come see him, but i was terrified of the house. sam and i drove in silence, and i felt like the tension was springing not just from our disagreement about how we wanted to spend the rest of our night together, but instead from harbored resentment after burger king. i cried a bit, but ultimately we talked through things and i voiced my honest opinion. i still feel like there is unnecessary tension in the wake of my downward spiral, but our bond is too strong to let something as stupid as my own manifestations of my shortcomings to compromise our friendship at the end of the day.

i braved the house with sam and we tried to make a beeline for grant. i didnt see him, so we to the bathroom - built up courage to face the terrifying onslaught of people, and located grant upstairs. at this point, sam bailed, and i spent the rest of the night drinking and smoking like a chimney with grant.

i confronted, both intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of people from my past and realized that most of my fear was misplaced. i went in with the mentality that i was going to avoid everyone and assume they wanted nothing to do with me unless they approached me, but it ended up being counterproductive. a couple of people were actually like - wtf, why didn't you come say hey? i mean....i didn't come say hey because i was worried that you didn't want to give me the time of day. but i was wrong. i even talked to jack. okay, that was one of the ones i did not mean to happen. it did though. i was walking out back through the chapter room and saw cameron, sarah, and grant in a circle of people smoking, so i walked up since we had just been up in grants room together. and who did i walk into? jack. who was also in the circle. my heart skipped a beat...and not in the fluttery kind of way, but in the oh shit, i guess tonight won't go so smooth after all kind of way. this one individual is the sole source of a vast number of issues for me...the person who was a seemingly innocent, nondescript person in my vast sea of decisions and actions in the spring, who served as the catalyst for a ripple effect throughout my life. it went well though. i actually think we are okay. as okay as is possible - no bad blood if you will. this is the one person, not an anonymous group of individuals or an idea, who truly terrified me. i was so scared of him...and i hoped that by getting through the night without seeing him, all would be a success. but it turned out that only one person truly avoided me - and i dont particularly give a shit about him anyways. he had ~issues when we tried to have a thing, so i'm going to attribute his cold shoulder to post-traumatic performance anxiety.

the night ended well, back in new south at a semi-reasonable hour (aka before the sun came up). and so my friday ended. oh, and irene was christened lakeisha and i was marvin aka mel v aka mel b by grant. those were some great cover names babe. oh well, it was funny as hell ;)

i woke up in a car, i traced away the fog so i could see the mississippi on her knees.

work was really long and annoying today. lots of kids. and i was particularly irritable. i'm making myself write before i go to sleep....early morning tomorrow. i'll be leaving at the same time i got in last night. oops haha.

last night went over to kevins to smoke some hookah after work, which i got to leave a bit early...once people finally cleared out. it wasnt working very well, but i finally got to buy a dugout when we went to planet k for some coals and shit. should be a badass drive tomorrow. after we gave up on the hookah we went to see jess and john down near dean keaton and watched grandma's boy - which i finally finished! josh was awake, but kevin kept falling asleep...i felt bad. and then he overslept today....sorry :(

so, i can't wait to see everyone in jackson....its going to be fabulous.i'm excited to see (but not limited to...) sam, grant, erin, kath, susan, katelynn, luke, bouffanie, matt black, paige, phoebs, rachel, katie, kate, michael mohr, and zach. and all the other amazing people. im so stoked. lets hope the drive goes well though. i still need to get my shit together, i guess that's what i'm doing after this. i'm going to try and write during my "liminal time" on the road tomorrow. maybe some good shit will come of it.

yesterday morning/afternoon was the worst though. first, i was supposed to get coffee with sarah but i overslept and so did she. then when i woke up kevin wanted me to come over and smoke his new hookah with him....and i got up to get dressed, and my mom makes me go with her to pick up the cr-v from the airport so i can drive it instead of my honda to jackson. whatever. but then the next fews hours consist of lunch, getting the drop shadow and touch ups done to my soco tattoo, a flat tire on my moms element, new hospital bills to pay, one massive panic attack, and lots of arguments. then i was late for work...but kevin came and just sat with me for a long time. it completely made my night...he is such a sweetheart.

my only worry about going out of town is you dear. please let us have a chance...and wait for me. and no more secrets. let's give this a shot...okay? i still want you to be here...interested in me...when i get back.

i have become increasingly overwhelmed, but not discouraged.

...And soon I ’ll leave the infirmary
Feeling well, but lacking courage
Courage

And now the rockets fly above
Passing over Cape Canaveral
There’s the woman with the drugs
In the café by the launch pad
By the launch pad

And she is ‘gonna
Ring me up on my Cellular Phone
So I know I’m not alone
In a world full of vampires
Come on darling, talk me down
On that Cellular Phone
Because I can’t get home
I’m a slave to the wires

I’ve done this before
I will do it more

I have become increasingly overwhelmed when
I’m in public, I’m not so patient when they stare
There’s a fighter somewhere underneath this skin and bones
And do you know what I mean?
What I mean when I say that this girl
Has got a thing for my machine

But I have given everything and more
Sometimes convinced I have the world to carry
Every day is war and rockets fly from dusk ‘til dawn
I won’t be shaken if ever there’s a time
Where I am gone just know I’m waiting for you to ring
For you to ring...

brilliant. yet again. the in valleys ep is officially out, which means i am free to get my swim tattoo whenever now. yay :) i'm glad i waited, because it still means as much to me as it did the first time i heard it - so there is no more second guessing. i'll save "sleazy wednesday" for, well, wednesday. if anyone wants to hear any of the new, officially released jack's, check out this myspace -

http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=400944779

just watched jonezetta's new video on their blog. f'ing ridiculous, like always. "running through a forest..." what the fuck. haha. i love it though.

so i woke up around 11, being lazy as hell, read a bit, and then watched the latest episodes of psych and monk with my mom. our new tv is too big. i mean....the screen is 50", which is way too much by my standards, and let's keep in mind i am only 62" tall in all my glory. like i said, ridiculous.

then i had a nice chat on MSN with this fabulous boy, arthur, over in sheffield. he is so fucking cool. i proposed to him online today. he rejected me, only because the atlantic ocean stands in the way. he makes me smile though. one day, i will go to england, or he will come to the states and we will show each other a bloody good time. we had a long chat about preconceptions of our own regions/states/areas/countries that was really entertaining. i didn't really think people in england had any notions about the nature of mississippi....or the south....or memphis or whatever. i guess, that was me being naive. kind of surprising though.

all these pictures from watermelon bust make me wish i was at millsaps. the first few weeks of fall are always so fun. but then i also see the pictures of girls out at the houses who never see the light of day except during rush, which makes me glad that i am not there for all the fake bull shit and false pretenses. i don't miss rush. at all. but i do miss some of my girls.

i haven't heard back from her yet, but i have been thinking a lot about erin's project - rose window shadows - and i really think i want to get on board with this. if any of you out there have any art, photos, writing, poetry or what not that you want to submit, let me know and i will pass it along to erin. since i've met people with IC and TWLOHA, maybe i can pull some strings and get someone associated with it to help out, come speak at jackson, or something. we'll see. but it is something that i really do want to get involved in.

i just got my external hard drive back in the mail today, which means my lovely 500GB of music is back in my possession. yay :) and now i can back everything up, and finally have some free disk space so my computer doesn't run like it is out of the stone age. too many photoshop projects and files saved on here that i don't want to get rid of, so now i can finally move them from my laptop.

i also got my latin text in from barnes and noble, finally, which means i can't keep procrastinating with my minimal amount of school work i need to complete. oh, and i got my merch from fueledbyramen at last. i got some posters, a sweet this providence shirt that i wore today, and a forgive durden shirt as well. i think i need to add forgive durden to the list of bands i MUST see. i can't believe i still haven't seen them. right now that list is as follows - mae, the rocket summer, the mars volta, broken social scene, the fall of troy, jimmy eat world, and portugal. the man. some of those are soon to be scratched off, but i can't believe i have still not seen any of those bands. some of them are my life.

work was dull. i got to see kevin for like 2.5 seconds. hopefully we will hang out soon. and hopefully he has at least some kind of interest in me. i guess for now, i'll just wait and hope.

so, thursday night - this providence in san antonio at the rock bottom tattoo bar. and friday night - tokyo police club/ the whigs in austin at emos. who wants to join? i've seen both this providence and the whigs before, and they both put on awesome sets...and are amazingly sweet people. anybody and everybody is welcome to tag along.

oh, and i think i'm going to start a new project. maybe i'll try to do it this week. i realized that i have a ridiculous amount of band t-shirts....so i think i'm going to take a picture of myself in each of them and make a photo collage. i'm talking....well over three dozen different shirts folks. and that's a conservative guess. could be interesting. we'll see about that :)

hey hey hey we're all gonna die.

i wish that had turned into a real song. maybe one day it will surface haha. i'm actually really optimistic right now. ironic much?

i finally feel like i am...turned on. feeling healthy again, slowly but surely. back to drinking too much caffeine. listening to music. driving. wanting to get out. working out my incompletes. work today from 1030-730. slow. as. hell. tips were shitty. what can you do?

i'm a textaholic. oh well.

show tomorrow night with sarah. get to see alex. fuck yeah. it should be a good night.

new episode of weeds finally posted online. what the fuck is she getting herself into?! she is infuriating me. plus the fact that shane had sex is fucked. up. 13? i can't imagine.

i need new music. something new to get excited about. any suggestions?

hmmm. that's all i got.

yeah, i'm always coming down but i'm doing my best to get caught

alright, last couple of days have been pretty boring but wonderful. my boo sara moved into her dorm today :( i'm going to miss her like crazy but at least she's close by.


saturday was really chill. hippie party at jessica's apartment. i saw a bunch of people that i graduated with but never really knew. jessica, sara, and i picked on john, this guy who also graduated 06 and apparently works at wok express. so of course the hot wok people ganged up on him. i got majorly hit on by this super sketchy dealer...while the party was getting busted. who tries to impress someone with drugs when the cops are busting up the party? oh well. people were being reckless and there were a shit ton of people around. there was also a party in the apartment building right next to us, and they got in much more serious shit. we got lucky when they started arresting people there instead. lots of stupid people vomiting /passing out during the night. some good antics though all and all.

sunday was pretty uneventful day. sara had to meet up with her day at 830 so we left jessica's at 8. went back home intending just to go to bed, but stayed up reading most of the day. finally finished middlesex. i think i should do a comprehensive list of all the books i've read this summer/this year or something. i've been reading like a mad woman. i went to the mall with my dad and brothers and then saw the animated star wars movie - clone wars or whatever. it was pretty lame. don't get me wrong, i love me some star wars, but i didn't dig this at all :/ then work from 430 to close. i was feeling really ill, i think i caught whatever ian had :( it only lasted a few days though. went to chilis with the family once sarah and mom got back from out of town soccer stuff.

monday, day off. started unpacking...to no avail. there's no place to put my stuff. i need an apartment like woah. i guess i should go looking this weekend or something. went and got my soco tattoo :) i got these lyrics from "miss america" on north added to my stars - "the stars are coming out in waves" on top and then ". . . when does this twisting end?" on the bottom. it looks amazing but is a little sore. the guy who ended up doing the tattoo at true blue, mike, was awesome. i know i'm not an easy client to tattoo...especially when it's on my rib cage to begin with...but he did an amazing job. sara and i were there for over three hours...including sterilizing, sketching, stenciling, the works. it was only $150, but totally should have been more, so i left at $50 tip. he said he would add a drop shadow for me for free whenever this healed up, and i would recommend his work to anyone. he's so nice...no blow outs, not heavy handed, but still a very quick artist. he also has a really good eye for flow and direction.

then sara and i hit up kerbey lane on guadalupe. mmmm pancakes :) we ended up seeing alyx walk by while we were waiting for our food and decided to drop by and see her and the twins and some other people at kasbah when we finished up. stuck around kasbah for like fifteen minutes, talked about invisible children and this semester a lot - the twins leave for chicago friday, which is exciting. i remember when i was excited about going to school haha.

tuesday, bummed around all morning trying to find my missing copy of the fountainhead. worked from 330 to 930. came back and really tried to consolidate all my stuff down/organize my boxes. it is such an undertaking...ugh. jack's leaked early this morning/late monday night so i listened to it nonstop nonstop nonstop. a lot of people on the boards are saying that if you listen to it you are being a disloyal fan...and once i heard andrew was upset about it i felt real guilty, but i support them like crazy. i was really hesitant about this album, but all of my worries are gone - so now i'm even more motivated to push it to everyone like crazy. review coming soon - it has blown my mind though. i can't wait to see all of this performed live :) headlining tour better come to texas.


today, i watched the new episode of weeds from this week online. went to say bye to sara and gave her some vitamin c and my chair for her dorm for the semester. uploaded a ton of pictures to facebook. i still need to scan in my fisheye film, but i guess thats a project for tomorrow. caught up on project runway, unpacked more, drank lots of coffee. . .now i'm watching greek. idk, i like this show. my sister always records it for me and somehow i got suckered into it. she also got me liking the jonas brothers a little bit. i never got into hanson, but i can totally dig me some jonas brothers. went to bush's chicken for lunch with the family and ran into mr. san luis who i hadn't seen in ages. spent way to much time on jm.org trying to stay caught up and listened to the album at least four more times. that's all for now i guess :)

if you'd just trust in me, you know i trust you.

recap? i'm back in austin. i've withdrawn from school from the semester. surgery a week from today. i'm ready...for the breakdown. i will fill in with more details but not at this exact moment. here's a rough outline of my life, a swift arc through the past two-three weeks of my life. i feel my strength coming back with every day i'm away from my meds.

"It's tragic," she says to me.
A song in the air, we're together floating.
What I miss everyday since our goodbye
was enough for me to realize.

Woah woah, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Well, nothing feels good being under the gun.
Woah oh, I'm waiting for the breakdown.
Is it ever gonna come?"

july 31st - 2nd day in birmingham. wait for sam to get off work. drive around. go get pizza with chris. go to this cool record store. chris and sam find some amazing records at check-out. go to the india shoppe and piece shopping. go over to mitch's to drink. apples to apples. drinking with jesus. purp. vinyl. beer. good conversation. sigur ros cd. sam and i bail because she has to go to work. i text mitch and sam ends up bringing me back. awkward trying to stay awake with caleb, chris, and mitch listening to steely dan until i'm about to pass out. conversation about the spiritual meaning of my relapse. fate. how things happen for a reason, ie. invisible children. more awkwardness and more amazingness. more good music. top of the world. piercings, tattoos, soul, spirit. everything bared. ripped wide open, swept off my feet. looking into someones eyes and seeing myself. no sleep.

august 1st- sushi. coffee at barnes and noble. salvation army. sitting in lawn furniture trying to think of something to do. hot as balls.

august 2nd- sat at barnes and noble. iced tea and carmel frapp. two copies of ap, hm, blender, spin. analyzing every ad, article, opinion, picture, review. good, bad, in between. looked at a bunch of ayn rand, inspirational, and spiritual stuff. talked about narnia on the way to see prince caspian at the dollar theater. candid talk about being medicated, being sick. prince caspian was just as good the second time. shocked that he made a reference to the resemblance of the actor playing prince caspian and william beckett of the academy is. singing along to our worlds' divorce. lunch was at some mexican restaurant if i remember correctly. moved out of sams. show at cave 9. red dog alley cd release.

august 3rd- .picking up his guitar and playing along to the everglow. the dark knight. pizza. barnes and noble, shopping, while he is at work earlier that day. too tired to head over to coreys. no answer from sam. called it a night...kinda. very chill day.

august 4th- started requiem for a dream while napping. bad choice. planet smoothie. be here now. umphree's mcgee. starbucks. african red bush, mae, and a pad of paper. bought refills for my coach planner, underwear at victorias secret. i always imagined underwear shopping would be embarassing with a guy, but it is so much worse when all the clerks know the guy and not you. moe and the best smoothie of my life. sam and chris flake out on dinner. purple onion with corey and mitch. lots of conversation about greece, europop, and pop punk music. listen to driver f, we the kings, this providence. go back to mitchs to change for the party. bits and pieces of what comes next remain, but no clear picture. me changing into my swimsuit. him on the bed with his guitar. my anxiety about the ex coming in town. the one he told me he thought he was going to marry....the one i caused him to change his mind about. accusations thrown. tears. crying. the seriousness of the situation pressing down upon us. reality finally setting in.

august 5th- finish requiem for a dream after being released. slept through a lot of arguing apparently. moved back to sams until i was well enough to drive early the next morning.

august 6th- birmingham to memphis. bullshit with being on the list for jacks....dinner with grant.
tried to find tattoo parlor but failed.

august 7th- another failed attempt at getting my tattoo done. packing. dinner and beale with phoebe. paper route, phantom planet, jack's mannequin and paramore at mud island amphitheater. saw mandy, alex, and a bunch of phoebe's friends. sat next to some cool ass kids, who unfortunately had never heard of jack's. poop on them. they loved their set though, so right on. paramore put on a good show. swim instead of the resolution. synchronicity?

august 8th- packed in memphis, drove from memphis to jackson and then packed in jackson.

august 9th- drove from jackson to austin. got in town around....6. gotta love 600 miles of driving.

august 10th- the morning light. steel train. the cab. the hush sound.

august 11th- first day of work. cashier/server at hot wok cafe. ma li is the shit. sara trained me.

august 12th- second day of work. 10:30-2:30. 5:00-9:00. pineapple express with chris.

august 13th- day off. tropic thunder with chris and patrick. watched gladiator. in the land of women. hollywoodland.

august 14th- work from 10:30-2:30, 4:00-7:45. met up with kel and john. steiner for the first time in a long long time. mcdonalds. fnmtv on dvr.

august 15th- work today from noon to 7:30. was supposed to be 11:30-2:30 but missy called in sick so i got to cover the whole day basically.

you want results? look at the fucking smile on my face

Back in jackson. I feel like I'm going to suffocate every time I'm here....it's a new heart attack.

I had to come back a day early from the island because my nanny is going to the hospital tomorrow, so my ride back up to jackson had to be moved up a day. I guess when it rains, it pours. Hopefully everything will be okay with her.

So, I'm the biggest dork in the world - I'm not even going to try and hide it. My dad bought me this because he thought it would be a great way to waste all my free time. Guitar Hero for DS....fuck yeah. There is even a Bloc Party song, which is bad ass.

So, I'm kinda bummed - I didn't get to see Apples in Stereo last night at Hi Tone. If anyone went, don't rub it in my face. I'm back in Galloway, Rachel is out running errands and I'm doing some photoshop stuff while watching the OC on the soap network. Lame.

August 5th. Hell yeah. Two days before the show at Mud Island. Stoked. Plus, I'm probably going to see my baby girl Sam in Birmingham tomorrow...I hope it works out.

i'm alone but i aint lonely, for a dreamer night's the only time of day

so nothing too interesting to update - this is my last night of internet access for a couple of days though, i'm about to head out to my family's beach house on dauphin island in the morning.

right now i'm in mobile, which isn't exactly ideal but i'll take what i can get. i left memphis wednesday morning, doctor, met up with rachel, took a 2.5 second nap in galloway. p.s. that construction is freaking annoying. glad i'm not on campus all summer - sorry to those of you who are. we got sal and mookie's take out for dinner after i picked her up from work, then we came back and watched an episode or two or weeds.

oh yeah, that's what i've done this week. watch tv online - all. week. tuesday i watched the entire season of dirty sexy money, because my mom of all people suggested i see it. wednesday, season one and half of season two of weeds. thursday, finished season two and halfway through season three. and then last night i caught up in season four. needless to say, i'm hooked. nancy is way too precious for her own good, i have a girl crush on her. oh, but way too much sex on that show though... just saying.

wednesday night i had dinner with phoebe at young avenue, and it was nice to spend some time with her - it had been way too long. however, we had our hopes up that some decent band was going to be playing since they showed up with legit merch and everything....not exactly what we were expecting, only to be disappointed. it was this random band that i had seen play at naca (all of you who know what naca is or have ever been....you should understand) which was kinda funny, but definitely not worth sitting through.

backtrack earlier that day. jager called me - talk about a blast from the past. my mom had actually mentioned him before we went to the warhol exhibit at the brooks and then just a few days later i get a call from him. it was only slightly suspect when he mentioned that he was single again, but we had a good heart to heart. we really did always get along well, and i truly think we are platonically drawn to one another - it was really good for life to come full circle like that at this particular juncture.

friday, i got the chance to sleep in, then headed over to the doctor for my biopsy with rach. i'm really glad she came with me - i'm not letting myself do this alone again. needless to say, rachel and i have now brought our friendship to a whole new level - but i wouldn't have it any other way (rachel, if you're reading this don't find that creepy. i mean, you saw me grow green for god's sake). i don't know what the deal was but i was about to fucking kick my doctor in the head because either she wasn't doing a good job or she was using bad instruments and kept taking bad samples. as much as i LOVE being awake while getting tissue samples cut out and all...three should be enough to deal with, but no. i must have done something to have such terrible karma, because an extra three or four samples is not something anyone deserves to go through.

oh, and liquid eyeliner is a bad choice when getting a biopsy. crying will ensue. i looked like an idiot. i'm also glad rach dealt with me being a big baby

we got coffee, picked up her car, and then my aunt came to pick me up and drive me down to mobile. we did some shopping today, but power outages were pretty annoying. i just got back from seeing x-files with my dad, i was uber disappointed. i mean...it was disturbing and all, but not what i was expecting at all.

i'm watching this documentary on the history channel about batman right now - and all i can do when i see christian bale is think of newsies. has anyone else ever seen this? i was obsessed with this musical from the day it came out. i can probably still quote it from beginning to end, and i still love it. starr, andy, and i used to watch it after school when we were supposed to be studying for latin in high school. so lame, i know, but i totally embrace it. btw, christian bale plays jack kelly, a runaway cowboy newsboy in turn of the century new york, with full dance and music numbers and a horrible new york accent. love it. check that shit out.



vs.

well, dauphin island in the morning - let's hope all the peace holds out with this much of my family in one place at one time. btw - my sister is the sweetest and most adorable thing in the world.

dissect a trillion sighs away, will you get this letter?

friday night was fun. i went to see hell boy 2 and wanted back to back at the drive-in over on summer, it was cool. i haven't been to a drive-in since ~middle school so it was cool to go again. met a bunch of jay's friends who were all real cool, but the whole experience didn't really live up to our expectations. maybe because we went to see hell boy...haha. i don't suggest wasting your money on it, though it can be slightly entertaining if you are a little intoxicated. however, i was eaten alive by mosquitoes and i am still itching. i wasted most of saturday morning/afternoon passed out on benadryl - it is like a tranquilizer for me.

otherwise a boring weekend. i need a hobby or something, i feel like i'm wasting my life being unproductive. i guess there are worse problems in the world to have, but this is killing me. ML and i tried to go lay out by the pool for a while but the sun was only out everyone now and then, mostly overcast, and it started to rain so we called it quits. i don't think i have ever watched as much food network/law and order/history channel in my life. worthless.

quote of the day: i don't care if you're the freaking sugar plum fairy, you still have to work! - ML about an incompetent employee. positive discrimination at its best. we went to the the blue plate cafe and i ate my weight in carbs, but it was wonderful. i have decided that ML and i are kindred spirits...i swear, we are the same person, just born at a different time in a different place.

i went to sit at starbucks for a while, to read and unwind, and i miss home. coffee shops are always great, but there always feels like there is something off at a new one. the people, the memories, the history...i miss having that accessible anytime i want it, just by sitting down for a cup of coffee. i miss my family, and i wish they knew how much they meant to me, even though we are so different. i try to tell them every time i talk to them, but i feel like the meaning is lost in translation sometimes. next summer, i really think i need to go home. it can't come soon enough.

less than two months until The Glass Passenger and i'm stoked. i played in photoshop for a while and edited some pictures from April and I's glass passenger photoshoot at our hotel outside delphi. nothing extraordinary, but i like it.




i also downloaded a ton of brushsets and have been editing a ton of pictures from greece, warped, and other random stuff from the last six months, so look for that soon. scratch that, i'll put a couple of little one's i've screwed around with up now. just superimposing images, adding color and other elements to black and whites and just modifying colors. new stuff will be much more exciting, i promise.'

Last, but not least, before I left Austin I got a new piercing. Yes, that makes a round dozen - all of which are on my face or ears, thank you very much. I'm happy with what I have right now, but I'm sure I'll want something else soon. I got a snug/anti-helix...so it will be at least 6 months before it is healed, so nothing else until this...well no piercings at least. check it -