i don't feel any different

Those who crafted me, be they gods or demons, crafted this mind that shapes my resistance to their schemes. Surely they were wise enough, at the wheel where I was thrown, to anticipate further resistance in the heart they were abuilding

 - Tom Robbins

I don't have any resolutions this year. I hadn't really thought about it, it kind of sneaked up on me. Even when I was celebrating new year's eve with Sarah and some new friends, it didn't seem real at all and the ball drop didn't really phase me. Maybe it was because I wasn't anticipating it, maybe it was because I finished my applications and that felt more final than the first minute, the first day of the new year, maybe it was because I didn't have someone to ring in the new year with. I'm trying to worry less - that is the goal. Now it is just time to wait.

This is the year of waiting. Waiting for application confirmations. Waiting for responses, hopefully for offers. Waiting for my departure (finally) from Millsaps. Waiting for this summer. I don't know where I will be traveling, but I'm just waiting. More importantly, waiting to start the next phase of my life. I will end up somewhere in this country from Denver to Nashville to Ithaca or a number of cities in between and this is what I've been anticipating for years now. A fresh beginning. A chance to do it right and to study and spend my time the way I see fit. My own apartment. My own life. My own place. No more wandering and searching for answers somewhere halfway across the world, and hopefully the only frequent flyer miles I will be acquiring will be in the process of returning home - be it Jackson or Austin. I'm not sure what to expect, but all I can do is wait. Wait and hope.

attention, attention

starting this coming monday, my blog will be moving

you can find me here

http://onyourfrequency.blogspot.com

reasons like seasons they constantly change

and seasons of last year like reasons have floated away. . .

a mix partly for a friend, mainly for this time of year.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/rix98f

on procrastinating

i had to look through my photos at some point today, so why not do it while i'm still only half-focused? sorted, uploaded, linked. now time to walk to john stone hall for my greek test

sorry that i'm taken aback

i woke up with the sun today...what a great way to start off the daunting day i have ahead of me. i'm back in jackson now, wasting time until i have to take my greek test this afternoon. i should start studying for my latin final, or my roman legacy final for that matter, since i have to take both tomorrow, but i'm still sitting here on my bed, fighting sleep. i keep throwing out the word surreal to try and describe the last few days, but i don't think there is any one adjective that can truly encapsulate what i have experienced. unlike the last few weeks that have been full of all-nighters and scrambling to put together term papers, my lack of sleep this past week has been punctuated by experiences i never would have expected. i'm trying to let myself be more spontaneous, live more in the moment, and it is hard...but worthwhile. i used to calculate every moment of every day, trying to thwart the unexpected with thought-out reason and definitive answers and plans so that i didn't have to face whatever chance, fortune, fate (whatever you believe in) threw my way. articulating that makes me feel like i was trying to be a stoic...a hyper-productive stoic, but still, that makes me sound like i could be in league with seneca, or someone of the like.

i can feel the weight of my sleep deprivation right behind my eyes, struggling to remain alert...but i feel the weight of my actions and the bigger issues at hand in my (insert some cliche here...heart, chest, soul).


beyond the rescue, invisible children, road trips and this growing sense of community, something else really unexpected came my way yesterday as well. i love beginnings, even if they are in medias res, and the excitement they incite. this quote reminds me a lot of my dear you (though i swear it was written before i ever read this) from a little while ago. those days are long past, but on the conceptual level it still rings true. i wish i could have some consistency in my life, but the thrill of starting something new and uncertain is more than enough. i just need to stop being so damn awkward. i can't help it...i can get a bit flustered when i have a bit of a crush.
i am in the mood for this is me smiling. obviously, i am "so excited to sleep"...but they feel like a good complement to the tone of the day.

on spontaneity

so, the jackson event ended up being a bust...so now it is new orleans or bust. this is so much bigger than me, than all of us...and i have to be a part of it. sue carrie and i will be driving down, following webb and lloyd, and we are leaving at eight tomorrow. the anticipation is killing me, and i can't sleep. i'm printing out my three pictures right now and trying to get my things together....i can't wait for this. i'm really glad i'm doing this, though it feels a little rash considering the fact that i have two finals on monday. is it bad that i don't really care?

it makes me weak...

...thinking about how badly i want to be a part of this, and how badly i want all of you to be a part of this. if i didn't have two finals on monday, i would drop everything i'm doing and drive to one of these cities and be a part of the real deal. even though jackson is just a drop in the bucket, every bit counts...so please, please, please help make this event successful. this is SO much bigger than all of us, so get up, get out, make a difference.

Rescue Riders from Jason Russell on Vimeo.

thinking about all of this makes me cry. i wish i were exaggerating, but i'm not. i....i don't have words.

do more than just watch

this saturday, there is going to be a worldwide demonstration held by invisible children called the rescue. there are events happening everywhere, so get involved !

for more information, visit this site -
therescue.invisiblechildren.com/

or RSVP to the facebook event here -
www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=78535706990

GOOD NEWS

that's right, i used all caps. for those of you who know me or read this regularly, you should already know that i don't capitalize anything (including things that should be capitalized...such as god, i, chris, sam, etc.), so if something is worthy of all caps, it must be pretty damn exciting. AND IT IS!

the jackson rescue event had been canceled, but have no fear! there are people putting together an event at mississippi college and guess what - YOU SHOULD ALL BE THERE. they are meeting tonight to get together more details, but i am going and so should you. it is this saturday and it will be amazing! for those of you who don't know what the rescue is, it is the big invisible children event for the year and it is a great way for your voice to be heard in the community. if you remember the displace me event, this is the equivalent for 2009!

if you are going, or if not, do this! contact people, get individuals motivated and be a part of the change. get up, enact the ideals you stand for, and make a difference! this is such a huge deal, and even if there aren't a lot of people at the event (which you can change by coming, too!) you are still a part of this simultaneous event that is happening all over the country and all over the world! don't believe me? go to facebook, search the rescue and filter by events. there are hundreds of people rsvped to events (561 in melbourne, australia...617 in salt lake city....1496 in chicago...1134 in boston...and countless others. austin has 825! and these are just the people with facebooks you guys!) and YOU can be a part of it!

here is an instructional video, and be sure to check back here for more information about the event once i hear back from the wonderful individuals at MC. also, if you want to see some fun examples of the youtube shout out videos, i have one a couple of entries back. get excited people :) make a difference, enact change in yourself, your peers, and the world. fight apathy and get out for this.

The Rescue Instructional Video from Jason Russell on Vimeo.

and, as a last thought, i will leave you with some parting words from a man i love dearly, bryce avary, the singer of this great band the rocket summer.

i'm thinking 'bout other things i heard about today
all this week and tomorrow
and how these hands can create some better things for bettering. . .
do you feel
the weight of the world singing sorrow
or to you is it just not real
cause you got your own things
yeah we all have our things i guess

i guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
sometimes i convince myself
that all is fine in the world
it's not mine
why should i
have to try
to fix things i didn't create or contrive
. . . can you feel the souls behind what's going on

and for good measure, since i love TRS so much, here is a cool in-studio version of so much love

rescue

i wish they were still having the event in jackson :( maybe it will still happen?

also, i appreciate the fact that they used passion pit in this video :) i still get chills thinking about invisible children....bring me back here. i wish i was good enough, or whatever, to be a roadie.

don't pretend you'll ever forget 'bout me

i'm so dejected right now. that's my watchword. i'm very lonely, but yesterday was a good day, for the most part. i don't know, it was great, but the little bad bits kind of outweigh it all, i think. i wish the negative didn't have so much weight in my life. that's the problem, not the reality, but the burden. i have a lot to write, but for now i need to sleep. i kept my memo pad in hand yesterday, though, so i scribbled a few thoughts on the drive back in the early hours of the day.

for the time being

no more blog. i can only update from my phone, going to the library, or hijacking sam's computer, which is what i'm doing at the moment...under the facade of working on my roman legacy take-home essay.

what's going on in my life right now?

i reached my lowest point since birmingham, if not lower, yesterday. i started making plans. then i made myself come back and sit in the room with sam, read some c.s. lewis, and took a couple of lexapro to calm my nerves. i woke up later, and it was a little better.

today has been a good day.

i quit my job, which sounds like a bad thing, but it isn't because i couldn't do it...but because it was unneeded stress, and that is something i don't need in my life.

i sent off my laptop today. it stopped recognizing my power supply, so it ran off batteries for 45 minutes, then promptly died and can't be turned back on. this has happened once before, so luckily it is still covered under warranty...i just have to pay the $75 there and back to cover the shipping. damn.

i think i'm going to apply to be a ford fellow for next year. i think it would be a really good thing.

i'm going to birmingham on thursday. i'm so excited for the drive, and the show, but still a bit hazy about the people. i think it should be okay, though.

i love c.s. lewis. he gives my life center, and helps me find my own. i need to read more of his work.

getting past eggers was a really good thing. no more depressing literature for a while, at least in my free time.

my greek test kicked my ass today, and so did my latin class.

i need to raise my grade in archaeology dramatically.

i'm actually okay with having a few Bs on my midterm grades. it doesn't really bother me.

well, time to get down to business. the business of roman virtues, that is! i'm actually kind of excited about this paper...so why do i keep putting it off?

on location

there is something about jackson that is so stagnant. i think that is why i get pulled down so much when i'm here...it feels like a ghost town. at least when i'm in austin, or cedar park for that matter, there is always something happening...i'm always on the verge of something. here, i'm on the verge of nothing, and if i'm moving forward, it is only the result of a perpetual cycle that never changes or moves ahead. this city does horrible things to me, and all the baggage here aside...i can't stay here. i love the people, but most of the ones i love see this town the same, whether or not they want to admit it. not admitting it is bad, but all of you who are implicated in this with me, aware of the depressing, fixed nature of things in this god awful town, yet decide to stay...it is infinitely worse.

bring focus back to the breath

lately

it's hard to disconnect i just want something real .... or something like that. or maybe it's too real. or i'm can't connect. i don't know. i need something, though.

the best of me

----

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we're still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings
and missing each other too much
to have had to let go

we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

jumping to conclusions made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you

we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont feeling that we cant we're not ready to give up

we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up



The Starting Line epic ending with "The Best of Me" at Bamboozle Left '08 from Gaille Chua on Vimeo.

beautiful.

in opposition to my own

47::365, originally uploaded by {machel spence}.

in opposition to in bloom. falling, detached, separated.

on tattoos

wallscavedinonme: okay, so here goes nothing

wallscavedinonme: my first tattoo was five black stars on my hip

wallscavedinonme: just outlines

wallscavedinonme: perfectly symmetrical

wallscavedinonme: i had always had a fascination with stars

wallscavedinonme: you know...attainment, perfection, transience, adoration

wallscavedinonme: and then i got more stars, still just outlines, added up to my side (still just on the front, they didn't wrap around yet)

wallscavedinonme: my artist drew up a bunch of designs

wallscavedinonme: and basically, they become less perfect, more assymetrical, more randomly spaced, more spread out and less patterned

wallscavedinonme: then, i continued them around my ribs and onto my back, with the same thought

wallscavedinonme: even more random spacing, etc.

wallscavedinonme: basically, my stars mirror entropy

wallscavedinonme: you know...the whole world favoring chaos

wallscavedinonme: unless you work for order

wallscavedinonme: and ironically, when i got the first five, the perfect ones, was when i was on top of the world - just out of school, spending a summer going to shows, not a care in the world...or at least ones that i could put aside without much heartache

wallscavedinonme: then, the next two sessions were spread out over about six months between each

wallscavedinonme: and the chaos had grown in my life, and so did my tattoos

wallscavedinonme: and the way i depicted my view of the world and the universe on my body

weseenoshadows: That's so amazing

weseenoshadows: You're so poetic about this

weseenoshadows: And so sure of it

weseenoshadows: And I think that's kind of amazing

wallscavedinonme: i mean, it is a rule in chemistry

wallscavedinonme: the universe favors chaos

wallscavedinonme: it is an established fact

wallscavedinonme: the 'dirty room effect'

weseenoshadows: oh I know

weseenoshadows: but just that you thought of it

weseenoshadows: it would never have crossed my mind

wallscavedinonme: unless you fight to stay organized, your room will inherently become more disordered over time. that is applicable in all of life

weseenoshadows: That's so fantastic that it showcased itself on your body though

weseenoshadows: Most people, I think, would fight for order there too

weseenoshadows: Instead of just giving in to the natural effect

wallscavedinonme: but what is the beauty in perfection?

wallscavedinonme: why would i want stars all the same size, same design on my body?

wallscavedinonme: even looking at the sky, you know that isn't how it is

weseenoshadows: well, exactly

weseenoshadows: But that wouldn't occur to most people

weseenoshadows: People are generally fighting to obtain perfection

weseenoshadows: Without seeing the fact that perfection is impossible

weseenoshadows: And that nothing in the world is perfect, so nothing perfect is beautiful

wallscavedinonme: exactly

wallscavedinonme: i'm so glad you see that....

wallscavedinonme: i have tried to explain my reasoning to other people

wallscavedinonme: and they have just laughed it off

wallscavedinonme: saying i was trying to impose some greater idea onto a simple bit of ink

wallscavedinonme: but really, it is so so so much more than that

weseenoshadows: You wouldn't have gotten it done if it was just to have a bunch of stars

weseenoshadows: every one collaborates to mean something

weseenoshadows: It's the same as if you ask someone what they love about someone... they are going to say the little quirks along with the "perfect qualities", and it's the quirks that really mean something.

wallscavedinonme: yup

weseenoshadows: I'm tired and am not articulating well, but I mean that people don't fall in love with perfection, they fall in love with unique imperfections

wallscavedinonme: exactly

wallscavedinonme: and the imperfections that you share

wallscavedinonme: that is what makes love go round

it breaks my heart

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.