on location

there is something about jackson that is so stagnant. i think that is why i get pulled down so much when i'm here...it feels like a ghost town. at least when i'm in austin, or cedar park for that matter, there is always something happening...i'm always on the verge of something. here, i'm on the verge of nothing, and if i'm moving forward, it is only the result of a perpetual cycle that never changes or moves ahead. this city does horrible things to me, and all the baggage here aside...i can't stay here. i love the people, but most of the ones i love see this town the same, whether or not they want to admit it. not admitting it is bad, but all of you who are implicated in this with me, aware of the depressing, fixed nature of things in this god awful town, yet decide to stay...it is infinitely worse.

lately

it's hard to disconnect i just want something real .... or something like that. or maybe it's too real. or i'm can't connect. i don't know. i need something, though.

the best of me

----

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we're still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings
and missing each other too much
to have had to let go

we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

jumping to conclusions made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you

we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont feeling that we cant we're not ready to give up

we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up



The Starting Line epic ending with "The Best of Me" at Bamboozle Left '08 from Gaille Chua on Vimeo.

we see no shadows

i'm beyond depressed.

i woke up this morning at 8, ready to leave for class. made coffee, got dressed, did my hair, and as i was thinking about sitting in the caf, surrounded by people...even just the thought of food or maybe failing in class, making a silly translation error....i promptly took my vans back off and went back to bed. at least when i sleep i don't consciously think about how bad i'm fucking up my life.

woke back up with time to go to class, but didn't go. more sleep. mindless surfing on the internet, no music - i didn't even care enough to turn anything on. more sleep, then i woke up for lunch. i don't want to eat, the thought of food makes me sick, and i don't want to see people. i don't think i even have the energy to walk across campus to just grab kava and come back...and if i did, i wouldn't be able to stomach the food.

i have so much to do. reading responses that i still haven't turned it, part of a paper, endless translations...i need to start seeing this new doctor. i'm still training at a job i think i'm going to fail miserably at...and i panic every time i go in. i need to plan europe, so that i can apply for my loans and i can book my flight and get things squared away. right now, i would rather not be here and rather not be than actually work out those details. i have a scholarship i still need to apply for, but why put in the effort when i know i won't get it? i'm not extraordinary anymore, and i don't have the will to try.

i am stuck in the middle of a million situations trying to be passive in the affairs of my friends, but i end up getting pulled onto one side or another regardless of how passive i try to be. i try to please everyone, and as a result a end up pleasing no one.

i don't have a camera to go look around and try to capture something beautiful and ephemeral when i can't find the beauty in my own life. i have this large hole in my lip where my ring used to be which is a reminder of this past and this part of me that is gone, trying to heal but still present. my hands are shaking and i can't come down...or, rather, can't find which was is up.

maybe i should just go get coffee. what good is that going to do though? i know exactly what i would want, but the thought of it makes me slightly ill...i don't think i can keep anything down right now. and what if i do keep it down? it will just add countless unneeded calories, which i don't need. i've gained so much weight, my clothes don't fit right, and i'm not comfortable in my own skin...even more uncomfortable than i always am.

i don't see an end, and i don't see the light. i'm not strong, and everyone that tells me that is full of shit. i'm a hopeless mess with no future and a past that is far from respectable, and i don't know that i want to face the idea of a present any longer.

all these thoughts locked inside

your subtleties
they strangle me
i can't explain myself at all.
and all the wants
and all the needs
all i don't want to need at all.

the walls start breathing
my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.

when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.

a falling star
least i fall alone.
i can't explain what you can't explain.
you're finding things that you didn't know
i look at you with such disdain

the walls start breathing
my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.

when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.

now i'm on my own side
it's better than being on your side
it's my fault when you're blind
it's better that i see it through your eyes

all these thoughts locked inside
now you're the first to know

when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.
just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.

when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.

just a little insight won't make this right
it's too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.

tonight
insight
when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight.

i deconstruct my thoughts

i am still a little hazy, and i have a lot of things i need to accomplish this afternoon. i just spent the last half hour composing an e-mail to a new acquaintance, who i already kind of adore. not in a creepy way, i promise, but she seems really neat. i trust our mutual friend's judgment, regardless. the first e-mail was strained, but it has become much more natural.

latin class was hell, like always. i don't know how i will get through it, at all. i found out rachel and amy are taking it pass/fail, which probably would have been a good life choice. my grade will be awful. the take-home quiz that caused me to be anxiety-stricken for a few hours ended up getting me a B-, which could be much worse, but is not good. at least i passed. i can work from there.

i woke up early, read a bit of a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, which i have still yet to finish. i need to get this over with, and move on. i can feel myself becoming more apathetic towards it, so it is now or never. i felt like i should be studying latin, but the morning is my time. just because everyone else around me is cramming for the translation doesn't mean that i shouldn't take the forty five minutes to eat my breakfast, drink my coffee, and read a book. i will not give in to the pressure.

class, then caf with james and sam. then we headed back to galloway, bought the death cab tickets for the orpheum show in april (which is almost sold out), i composed an e-mail, got my archaeology books together, and headed out to explore behind belhaven, rebel in hand.

we went to the river and by this old, dilapidated railroad that is falling apart at the end. everything was so overgrown, and beautiful. i have a morbid fascination with urban decay and i couldn't get enough of this place. everywhere we went was so intriguing. we ended up sitting up on the tracks, despite their shaky foundations and crumbling supports and chatted for a bit. expect tons of pictures later tonight or tomorrow. i am really excited about them :)

archaeology was really long, and i am still not certain of what i will write my research paper on. hopefully something will present itself, like it did for roman legacy. i'm listening to umphrey's mcgee, uploading my photos, half-conscious, and now it is time for me too get to work. more soon, hopefully.

manchester, tennessee

wilco
phish
beastie boys
ben harper
the mars volta
tv on the radio
yeah yeah yeahs
andrew bird
band of horses
mgmt
moe
the decemberists
bon iver
girl talk
of montreal
coheed and cambria
animal collective
jenny lewis
neko case
the ting tings
okkervil river
ted leo and the pharmacists
portugal. the man
a.a. bondy

i wish i were going to bonnaroo. the line up is sooo exciting, and it's not even done yet. oh well, i chose south by back in august, so, between that and europe this summer (and maybe california) i will have no money for bonnaroo. maybe next year.

now something in my soul just cries

alcohol makes me hate my life much more than is necessary. every thought brings an onslaught of tears that are unwarranted or unnecessary. even just considering the words of my last sentence makes me feel awful, makes me want to cry.

when i saw you standing there
i about fell out of my chair
and when you moved your mouth to speak
i felt the blood go to my feet.

now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.

baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.

you told yourself years ago
you'd never let your feelings show
the obligation that you made
for the title that they gave.

baby, i'd love you to want me
the way thati want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.

now it took time for me to know
what you tried so not to show
now something in my soul just cries
i see the want in your blue eyes.

baby, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want you
if you'd only let it be.

aw, i'd love you to want me
the way that i want you
the way that it should be
umm, baby, you'd love me to want you
the way that i want to
if you'd only let it be.

we are opening ourselves to what is

may their joy touch all beings

i've told myself that as my spiritual life deepened, drinking and drugs wouldn't be a problem anymore.

i kept telling myself i was going to get it together in my own way, that some magical event like rock stardom or enlightenment would save me. of course, it didn't.

until we explore the difficult side of our nature, our spiritual work will always lack depth and integrity.

over my life, there have been far too many mornings filled with remorse and no memory.

my spiritual life never became fully integrated; it remained only a sort of pleasant compartment in my life.

transcending - that's what i wanted to do with life; get over, get out, avoid. . .in other words, i wanted magic.

the buddha was emphatic on the point that we are responsible moment to moment for our words and actions, not just victims of destiny or hidden forces; we have an element of free will.

he realized clear understanding and acceptance was the key to letting go of that suffering.

if the external world wasn't going to be perfect, maybe he could find perfection in the inner world. . .perhaps then you can begin to forgive yourself and your failures.

but the buddha saw that even in our moments of triumph and joy there remains a grasping toward more. my favorite example of this is the traditional commercial at the end of the super bowl, where the newly chosedn mvp is asked, " what are you going to do now?" and this man, who has just reached the pinnacle of his profession, turns to the camera and says, "i'm going to disneyland." for me, this sums up dukkha: you've got it all but you want more, and since you've got everything possible in the real world, the only place left to go is to a fantasty world, a place where dreams are made.

if you stop chasing after the things you want, you will find the thing you want. . .what causes our suffering isn't a lack of material things or emotional experiences, but rather the craving, the desire itself, the energy that keeps driving us to engage in the chase.

each moment is completely unique, completely unpredictable. who knows what the next breath, the next sound, the next thought will bring?

instead of being present for life's challenges, i had done a shadow dance with reality, never really moving forward. when i went on the road, i had an alternative escape - a geographic escape

it was clear that i could try to get into college, but i couldn't control the results of that, and seeing that did bring serenity.

dukkha is the aspect of life that keeps us restlessly searching for comfort.

i am just made up of thse ever-changing processes.

a critical point, since we are often drawn to ideas that fit with our own preferences, whether accurate or not.

i felt oddly disconnected, as though i were watching a movie with a blaring soundtrack

intention acts as the driving force behind our spiritual growth, a constant reminder of what to let go of and where to point our minds.

it means striving for perfection of heart and mind while bowing to the truth of who we are, with all our imperfections and failings.

i was 'turning my will and my lfie over' in a new way

with too much wisdom, the hindrance of doubt comes to dominate the mind

to pretend that our existence doesn't affect others is to deny karma, to deny that every action has a reaction, to pretend that cause and effect aren't constantly in play. this careful parsing of our past forces us to become more cognizant of karma. . .when we see our destructive patterns of thought, speech, and behavior, we begin to change, to unravel thse habits, to act in ways that won't require more inventory writing.

during those years it seemd that he'd largely given up on lie, withdrawing into depression and isolation.

form is emptiness, emptiness is form. you could also say, ' form is form, and emptiness ie emptiness,' meaning tha teverything has its reality, however transitory. form must be respected.

with meditation we seek a balance of energy

when we repress disturbing thoughts, sometimes the mind becomes sluggish, trying to drain us of the ability to look clearly at what's happening because it's painful. keeping the attention on the sluggishness may allow the difficult thought to come through and be processed.

whether a monk or a layperson, we all live in bodies, we all have minds and hearts that hunger for contact, for purpose, for meaning. if we take away one thing, another craving arises in its place. our practice is to keep seeking after balance.

it's helpful to notice when you are using something to numb yourself from life. this, in fact, takes us back to the first precept, of not killing. when we numb ourselves we are cutting ourselves off from life itself, a not-so-subtle form of killing ourselves.

it's amazing how a small moment of kindness can reverberate.

if you don't notice moods, they can lurk in the back of the mind and control the tone of thoughts.

your failings are common. your hame, unnecessary.

i felt like i was pushing against something heavy, barely movable.

with nothing to hide, i could share without trepidation. . .and this acceptance from others grew into self-acceptance.

and with this easing of attachent, new possibilities began to arise.

quick wit, penetrating intelligence.

the layers of self-deception are manifold.

central difference in orientation

no one's that nice, and if they try to be they are paving over their emotional truth, creating a false veneer that will eventually cause them and others suffering. . .if we are'nt willing to speak honestly, to speak our joy and our sorrow, we stunt our emotional and spiritual lives and leave ourselves isolated in a cocoon of false niceness.

why do i get so lost, and how can i find my way back?

however, if there isn't sufficient strength of mind - of mindfulness and concentration - this pradtice can backfie in the way brad was describing: every time you try to bring in an element of metta, the fierce, destructive aspects of mind throw back more venom, and instead of reducing the strength of negative thoughts, you actually increase them as they feed of the weak efforts at positivity

kornfield suggests making a top ten list of such thoughts a a way of beginning to come to grips with these demons.

whatever is happening in our lives will reverberae when we sit down to practice.

this judging is not only painful and unproductive, but is, in fact, another trick of the mind to keep us from being present with what is.

'no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. we are not saints. the point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.'

i can begin to deconstruct the elements of this solid identity, at the same time, breaking apart the solid opinions i have about myself.

this was a particularly powerful strain of denial.

for months i swung on this pendulum from drunken dleusion to dperessive self-hatred, never reaching a middle ground from which i might address the truth of what was happening.

if i can stop at the visceral level, without labeling or analyzing, the feeling can just be there. there's no need to do anything about it, to solve it or cure it.

setting off an addictive pattern of craving, bingeing ,and eventual revulsion

we don't move toward or away from them [our emotions]; we just let them be.

there is a continuous process of letting go.

the stress and anxiety of the musician's life had been miserable, and only now, working this generic, uncool office job, did i see how painful it had been. i felt a great sense of freedom and comfort in being an office worker.

any time we try to nail down who we are, we miss something. we are a process; we are possibilities; and we constantly change

we don't let go because there is some rule or commandment that says we must; we let go because we see how our clinging is causing us pain.

it's a completely new life, one that can't be imagined until you are there. and it is both appealing and frightening.

we see that we don't have to suffer through eternal emptiness. . .we learn to stop looking outside ourselves for happiness, for affirmation, for comfort. as we reach out for thse supports less, we begin to let go more.

i saw how difficult it is to be spiritually honest, to really shed my conditioned thoughts and actions and make decisions from a place of true freedom.
because of your perfectionism, you keep putting off doing anything, which leads to procrastination; after a while, you can't function: paralysis. the three p's. . .my ego didn't like it. i didn't want ot be humble. i wanted to be perfect. or at least close to perfect.

letting go of perfection may be one of the most difficult forms of surrender. my tendency was always to quit if i couldn't do something just the way i wanted.

i can start again, a fresh b reath, a fresh kindness, in this moment . . .when we come out of the dream, that's when we have the opportunity to begin again fresh.

the deepest veins of emotion start to reveal themselves in our heart.

when we spend years drinking and using, holding in our feelings, covering over our feelings, wreaking havoc in the lives of everyone we know, running, always running, never coming home to our true self, we bury some essential part of ourselves; we bury it alive.

this fundamenal insight is the basis for forgiveness: i am the one who suffers for my lack of forgiveness, and i am the one who benefits from my forgiveness. the buddhist teaching on equanimity says, ' all beings are the owners of their karma. their happiness and unhappiness depend on their actions, not on my wishes for them.'

the buddha said we could search the whole world and not find a person more deserving of love than ourselves. is it possible to see yourself in this way? as equally precious as anyone else on earth? seeing ourselves as worth of love can take some work.

what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

i wasn't to blame; it was the natural order of things. they would come back again when the conditions were right.

to me, my spiritual life is meant to be a support, not an intellectual exercise, so, ' god as i understand him; can, and should, be whatever i need it to be at any given time. i don't have to answer to some logic or some rule-making body, just respond to what my heart is calling for in this moment.

this, to me, is magical thinking - the idea that some special power is singling you out for special treatment.

beings are numberless, i vow to save them.

the mind state of clarity and alertness. there's a dynamic quality to this awakeness, being on the edge of what is happening right now, not lodged in a role or posture but paying sharp attention to everything as it unfolds, responding in the moment.

in a sense, we have abused ourselves, and in order to recover our hearts - our compassion, our conscience - we must continually show up for ourselves until we begin to heal.

i dedicate the merit of my work on this book to the awakening of all beings; may all beings be free from alcoholism and drug addiction and from the harm that addition causes; may all beings be happy joyous, and free from suffering.

just saying...

i love you, but please learn how to spell if you are going to act like such a hot shot.

get off your feet and make it count

on tuesday, america took one giant step forward and another enormous step back. government sanctioned discrimination is not a sign of a progressive nation. not only did proposition 8 pass in california, though by a very small margin, discriminatory measures diminishing or eliminating gay rights were also passed in florida, arizona and arkansas. this. breaks. my. heart.


i am not sure how many of you have followed proposition 8, but it has been a very heated point of descension. why give rights and then take them away? also, in my opinion, and i am not alone in this belief, constitutional additions should only add rights, not take them away (i.e. giving women the right to vote, african-americans the right to not be slaves, etc.)

if you want to know more about proposition 8, please talk to me (i'm not going to rant on here about it in depth, for the sake of those who feel passionately about this cause in opposition to my views) or check out this site - http://www.noonprop8.com/about or http://protectmarriage.com/about, two opposing sites with their general opinions on the proposition.

please realize that the fight is still ongoing...if you are willing to join in the cause, there will a number of nationwide rallies protesting prop 8 on november 15th at 10:30 pst. /1:30 est. i know i am going to be doing my best to get down to the austin city hall for this. don't let discrimination continue.

http://www.jointheimpact.com/?page_id=2

euthanasia is also now legal in washington (it already was in oregon)...who knew? all kinds of shit went down at the polls....so we as americans can approve of assisted suicide, but not gay marriage? at least gay marriage wouldn't be hurting anyone...

fake can be no flaw on the way

. . .i know
i'm just a flaw. . .anyway

i told myself that i would be productive today...but i haven't been in the way that i intended. woke up this morning to a bag full of kolaches my dad had picked up. i love the mornings when no one feels the need to do anything...like time has stopped and there is no rush to do anything. the world can wait and there is no hurry to rouse ourselves from our collective slumber.

and we won't wake up on sunday. . .

went back to sleep for a little while, and then woke up around 11 to go to this estate sale right off cypress and 183. there were a half dozen rooms full of all kinds of assorted things, and it was wonderful. i ended up buying a vintage dooney and burke bag, some clinique cosmetic bags, 7 enamel bangles, a handful of kitchy necklaces, a victorian photo album, a french metal sign for my dorm, and a madonna blonde ambition tour shirt...for a grand total of $14.

drove over to the lake creek alamo drafthouse with sarah, ian, and my mom, and met up with chris and my dad. sarah and my dad went to see express and the rest of us went to see body of lies. it really didnt follow the plot i had expected from the trailer, but it was really good. now i just need to see quarantine and choke...and i'll be a happy camper.

came home, chatted on the computer with some of my good friends, did a couple crosswords, and took a nice bath with what little i have left of ayn rand. i can't put it down once i pick it up...it wasn't until the water ran cold that i finally got out. took a nap, and woke up with a few minutes to spare to meet up with jessica and kaitlin at starbucks.

i feel more at ease with myself now...i think surrounding myself with individuals whose company i actually enjoy makes all the difference in the world. it is pointless to fill this emptiness with meaningless, superficial relationships and friendships that are not fulfilling. jeff and cody have both been really helpful lately...and as jeff poignantly put it - "you're looking at it seriously the wrong way. it's about people who are good enough for you, and that's how you avoid getting hurt." or, as cody put it a bit more bluntly - "you shouldnt hang out with douchebags dear."

drove down to kasbah with kaitlin, listening to jacks and getting each other up to date in one another's lives. we waited for jess and ryan to get there, then claimed the couch on the porch, like always. after a bit, taylor trevino showed up, who i hadnt seen in forever. oh, and then tyler, kevin, and leah showed up and joined us. tyler and leah are both really cool, but it was super awkward seeing kevin...and for him to choose to sit with us. i hadn't seen leah since my first time coming to kasbah with kevin, so it was nice to see her. kyle and austin showed up after a bit, and the one night it was supposed to be a small group, it turned into a big group, yet again. it was busy so kirt didnt really get to say hey. kaitlin approves, not that it makes a difference, but its nice to know my friends like him too.

we had a lot of light-hearted conversation that slowly turned more serious as the night went on. ryan and i rambled about tattoos and shows like always, and i caught up with taylor a little bit. it is both a blessing and a curse to hang out with people you haven't seen in a while - the conversation comes easier, but they also have no idea when they are stepping over the faintly drawn line in the sand. it is simple to ask why i'm not in school...but not as simple when they don't let me write it off as just being sick. so, i talked about the whole cancer thing with taylor, kaitlin, jess, and ryan. thank god kevin and his group had moved to a different place at this point.
after a while tyler, liz, and gary came and sat with us. we talked a lot about astrology, which left kyle even more reserved than usual and completely out of his element, old cars and then tattoos. gary and i chatted about my tattoos for a bit, and thus the cancer conversation happened for the second time in one night. the conversation was a lot easier this time, however, which was a relief. you never know how people will react...except that they will never treat you the same. that is the only constant....no one ever looks at you the same. whether it is unearned reverence for dealing with such a trying experience or uncertainty on how to treat you...it never is the same as it should be. i just want to be normal some day...but i guess i was never destined to be average in every sense of the word.

once kirt got off work, we headed over to kerbey lane. it was extremely loud, and almost impossible to hear one another talk over the underoath blasting in the background and the large group of people nearby, but i had a great time. he seems genuinely interested in my exceedingly mundane life, and we talked a while about books. he even sat through my narnia rant about the last battle and all of its spiritual and metaphysical implications...which was awesome. i only know a handful of people that can listen to me ramble like that and stay engaged, and he is definitely added to those ranks. the conversation flows really well...and i really like this boy. i didnt think i could say that was true on more than a superficial level with anyone...not after everything, but i really mean it. i like this boy...and i havent found any irreconcilable differences, which is a pleasant surprise. he is much more optimistic than i am, which is nice.

we went to grab coffee after that, but i really don't remember the name of the place we went. i spilt my au lait all over the counter trying to pick up my mug, in true brandi form, clumsy like always. i really just love kirt's company. we don't even have to talk about anything, i just enjoy it. we are enough alike that we hit it off, but different enough that we don't seem to be butting heads.

went back to his place and tried to fix itunes, to no avail. settled on windows media player and turned on random stuff to listen to. lots of white stripes. everything was great until an unintentional joke sent me reeling. i guess i had been in a much more precarious situation than i had given myself credit for, and i was not prepared to hear. i felt so ill to my stomach...and it was the worst possible way for him to find out i was sick...through a joke. i felt like such an idiot but i couldn't help it. it just set me off and i couldnt get it together. i finally got my shit together but i was too big of a wreck to even talk about it...to volunteer the information. by this point i think all of his friends, except maybe nic and zoe know more about it than he does. im terrified of it changing things...i dont want something i have no control of to take away the one thing that makes me smile these days. i dont want to lose him...or the way he treats me like a real, normal person to something that i cant change.

the rest of the night was great, and it really isnt empty. my mind doesnt wander and i really just live in the moment. i love it. its about fucking time....maybe im not as broken as i like to think. maybe ill get over being so awkward and get back to being my normal self. i dont know how long im going to be able to balance his schedule and mine....unless i just stop sleeping. i hate that i live so far away, too. i guess if that is the worst thing, then i can live with that. i just cant think about the inevitable...or about the future. lets put that off as long as possible.

monday, i came back and watched tv with my mom. i was supposed to be home in time to pick up my sister from her friends house, but my mom got off work early so it was pointless for me to get up so early. we took zooper to get groomed, and he looks so cute now! his coat looks infinitely better when it is groomed. had short stop for lunch, then went to get my nails done. took a brief nap while i was watching grey's anatomy online, and read for a bit. then i had to go pick sarah up from soccer practice, shoveled down some spaghetti, and went down to meet up with kirt for bowling.

im going to have to finish this later...ive got to go get dressed and such for tonight. update again soon :)

the doors got locked for sure, theres no one here but me

sometimes it just doesn't seem like i can find a way to be positive. i started to write this blog last night but i was way too depressed. im honestly not feeling that much better this morning....im still suffocating. some days it just sneaks up on me and takes my breath away, and i wonder if i should even try to catch it again. the inevitable darkness slipping all around me seems unavoidable, and i worry that i will never break this cycle. emptiness, drowning with no sense of direction. everything is pitch black, impossible to find the surface - no light distinguishing right from wrong. just an endless sea of despair and growing inadequacy.

i have had it ingrained that medicine can fix anything, but i can feel the lag whenever i am on it. the connections don't come, and there are no hills and valleys - only one endless flat plain of existence. no dips or pitfalls, save the depression, still there muffled in the background, an imposing threat with no perspective on when it will crash in around me again. there are also no peaks, nothing to give you hope or reason to believe the pattern might change. i feel like the lights are dimmed when i am medicated, subduing the impending doom i feel so often but never fix the problem. i know medicine isn't the answer, it is just a way to hide from myself...but sometimes that shelter seems so inviting.

unfortunately, i always break through the haze (while on the pills) into a blinding clarity. the chemicals never balance quite right and i make rash decisions. i decide it isn't worth living...but there is also no sense in living how i do now either. i have been smiling more than ever lately, but my hands constantly shake waiting for the inevitable end. uneasiness settling in my chest, somewhere above the bottom of my stomach and below my heart...afraid to rise up into uncertainty and heartbreak. pushing down, suppressing the urge to allow myself to be any more vulnerable than i always am.

some one save me from myself...because now i just toe the line of apathy, keeping myself from caring enough to end it all. there is no way to break through the middle ground to the other side of happiness without help. everyone says i have to help myself...but i already am to the best of my ability. every day that i decide to get out of bed instead of falling asleep and never waking back up is a victory...but making that day worth living is something i cant conquer on my own anymore.

i woke up at 9 and texted jeff for a while...despite only going to sleep less than 4 hours before. then i fell asleep, woke up to more texts and a voicemail saying my lens covers i had ordered had arrived at wolf camera. had lunch, surfed the internet, like usual, then went to pick up my lens covers. i said something to jeff yesterday...and i cant remember. it is almost at the front of my mind, but i can't quite place it...it was relevant to my rant above. maybe it will come to me.

came home and walked my dogs, listening to the glass passenger again. i have said it before, but i'll say it again. i love this album and it grew on me immensely....but i can only get so close to it. it is too optimistic for me, and i can only relate up to a certain point. there are plenty of heavy topics and lines, but it is laced with an overly optimistic overtone that is so sweet, it makes me sick to my stomach. to know that i can't feel that way....that i don't feel that way...and that i used to relate to this writer so much. i can only hope that one day i can relate to the glass passenger the way that i did to everything in transit, but i think that on that day hell might freeze over.

fell asleep watching an episode of life and got a thirty minute nap before work. i woke up in such a piss poor mood that i almost just called in to work. another day of not wanting to wake to face reality.

sometimes i say that work was slow, but never before has it compared to tonight. there were two dine-in customers all night...it was literally all to go. the first dine-in customer wasn't even until three hours into my shift. and of course today is the one day that i don't bring a book with me, ugh. i made a whopping $8 in tips....awesome? haha.

tried to get some shit together for the show tonight...to no avail. ugh. jess and i had some good chats though, i love talking to that girl. oh, and shawn brought me some cookies from mcdonalds which was sweet.

came home, smoked, and chatted for a bit, but i was way too depressed to stay up. i tried to talk to people, but it wasn't until i was told that i wasn't really into it did i realize how down i was. i went to bed at 10 and did not wake up until 8...then slept through my alarm and missed my dermatology appointment. hopefully tonight will be better, shiny toy guns/jonezetta and then kasbah.

i watched your face age backwards, changing shape in my memory

monday 9.29

like i said in my acl day 3 blog, no work today. it is nice to not have any worries...but without structure my life is becoming one meaningless night that i am stretching into day. i stayed up until past 4 last night, so i definitely got a late start. i spent a good majority of my afternoon sorting through photos and organizing them by day/set and then started editing...contrast, hue, saturation, cropping, the works...for all the decent ones. all of the dust in the air made flash impossible, which was a pain in my ass. i was in no state or position to hold my camera steady, but i got a good number of day shots when i actually remembered to take pictures.

i watched reign of fire, featuring one of my favorite actors, christian bale. speaking of, i really need to rewatch american psycho when i'm not intoxicated. it doesn't make for an enjoyable experience haha.

unlike my usual laziness, it was kind of justified for me to be a bum today. i got little to no sleep this weekend, so i played catch up a little bit. i am starting to feel the anticipation for tomorrow, tgp day if you will - the day that the jack's mannequin album is finally dropping.

i spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about my type of guy...maybe i'll look for pictures later. i've gotten to the point where i realize that some cookie cutter guy is not going to cut it for me. i don't want a guy that is perfect, or a status symbol, or something to display as a trophy. i want a guy that drives me crazy and someone as broken as i am. i can't do perfection anymore - i'm too far from it.

today was st. jude day at chili's, so i called my dad up in st. louis and made him bring out his clients for dinner, and the rest of the family went to the chili's up on lakeline for dinner and dessert. my mom also bought me one of the blank keys with the chili's and st. jude logo on it. there is no way to describe the actual st. jude campus to anyone that hasn't been there...it is such an experience. this would be the point at which i would include some pictures or something, but since i'm not on my computer, i don't have anything to pull from. just trust me when i say it is amazing. it is also days like today that i am proud to be a delta delta delta.

i let my brother drive me home from chili's, which was really strange. my siblings are not allowed to grow up - ever. i also taught him how to pump gas, which was cute. i'm sure he found it really demeaning for his sister to teach him these ~manly things, but i think he was grateful for the opportunity. let's just say that he could use the practice.

came home, watched heroes. i didn't watch any of last season, so it is hard to keep up sometimes, but it is really cool. i love how they are messing with the preconceptions of certain characters and kind of skewing our understanding of each of their roles in the greater scheme of things. i also love peter petrelli...i still can't get over how much justin burns looks like him sometimes, but i lust over this guy - for real. not justin, milo. just to clarify.

i stayed up until 3 chatting with arthur on msn...until he had to go to school over there in sheffield. i love that boy, but he needs to realize i'm a lost cause. despite his valiant efforts, there is no chance of mending the broken shards of my mind and heart, all the linger in the wake of my life.

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tuesday 9.30

today is the day. the glass passenger is finally out, and i did my best to keep up with the online explosion in response to its release. i love jm.org...and i have made some irreplacable friends on there. it is amazing how one group of artists can pull in so many people from different places and walks of life together so thoroughly. it is an online community of confidants and companions...and it goes without saying that our compassion for this music draws us all together. every now and then i feel extraordinarily old around a good number of them, but they don't treat me any differently for being an old woman, haha.

left the house around noon. grabbed a smoothie at sonic and then met up with kevin, who followed me downtown to true blue. when we got down there, the parking was crazy and both lots under the overpass were completely full, which was strange. kevin got lucky and found somebody leaving, and parked over there, then hopped in the car with me and we drove over to a lot off 8th to park. went and paid for the parking, and for some reason the concept of putting money into a drop box was a foreign concept to kevin. it is really quite common...but apparently he doesn't park downtown that often.

mike was already there when we got there, and had some print outs of fonts to choose from. we decided not to go with some completely over the top typewriter font, but something clean and round. our biggest argument was on spacing and alignment. the two lines aren't equal so the issue was whether to center, condense/expand, or left align them. ultimately, we settled on centering, and as he was getting the stencil ready i decided to add some eighth notes to fill in the gaps at either end of the top line.

let me take this moment to say that the kind of tattoo someone picks tells you a lot about a person. i have had enough work done to see a good number of people come in and consult with various artists about the tattoos they want...and certain kinds of people always go for certain types of tattoos. it can be really revealing, to say the least.

this piece was particularly painful, and the last hour or so absolutely killed me. the first two hours were exceedingly awkward, seeing as how kevin was there and really did not say a word. apparently the fact that i didn't cry or visibly react to the process was surprising to him, and i think the only time he actually said anything was when he asked, "doesn't that hurt?" as if i was acting otherwise.

after a while, i found my center, like always, and it was extremely zen. i actually almost fell asleep for a while. certain parts were difficult just because i am extremely ticklish, but other parts were so easy...i swear, if i couldn't hear the needle vibrating i would have sworn it wasn't touch my body. i even twisted to watch for a while because i couldn't believe that i was really being tattooed.

the further up the work was, however, the harder it was to tell exactly how far the progress was. just like forearm game where it is next to impossible to tell the bend of your elbow from halfway down your forearm just by touch, not sight, it was impossible for me to tell the middle of my ribcage to the top.

i came home, took a nap. woke up, downloaded doris day but didn't get around to listening to it forever. the synth really reminds me of something, but i can't quite place it. i finally took some pictures of my old tattoo, along with my new tattoo, and posted them here and a couple other places. the response was really good, and despite my undying love for them, it is nice to know that others find them as beautiful as i do.

took a shower, cleaned it for the first time...and lord did it burn. i thought i must have accidentally had some shampoo on my hands or my normal body wash had gotten onto it, but really, it was just how sensitive that part of my body was. it burnt for five minutes straight, and no combination of hot or cold could really alleviate the excrutiating fire raging down my side.

my skin is still crisp from my fresh sunburn, and my eyes are still dry from their exhaustive exposure to dust and the elements. i did not receive my physical copy of the glass passenger, so my park plan and further exposure to the elements will have to wait. i want to listen to the album again, start to finish with the proper tracklisting with a set of virgin ears. i can't wait.

i was also supposed to get my new phone today, but it did not come in. the mail seems so unreliable. in a simliar vein, all of my mail that is being forwarded from school is being hand-addressed. how ridiculous is that? sometimes millsaps can be so illogical.

the economy is scaring the shit out of me at the moment. as mike, my artist so eloquently put it - heads should roll. this country can be so...ignorant, and i wish it were possible to just talk sense to all of the millions who do not have a clue.

my computer is literally dying, and there is a shrill, piercing buzz that rings in my ears every time i have it going. i am surprised it has lasted this long. there is also next to no virtual memory so it is hard to be patient while my computer puts every effort into the simplest of functions.

i talked to kent for a while, about seeing janet, going to south by southwest, etc. apparently onge and kent will be at voodoo for a last hoorah...i will have to see if i can work it in somehow.

watched csi miami, fringe, and house. i remember when i wanted to be a crime scene investigator...thats what my high school biotechnology class did to me. i can still geek out and talk to you about how much i loved that class, but i know that i was not meant to spend the rest ofmy life in a lab.

i talked to michelle on msn for a long time. i feel so old sometimes...but still so young. i am caught at the crossroads of adulthood, but still no respect. i can't wait for the ambiguity to end, but i also know that one arbitrary date will not change this in a blink of an eye....which is how it plays out in my mind.

my sister left the n on tv...and as i was reading, i swear i thought i was hallucinating. maybe it was a lucid dream? no, i was awake. get ready, off of jonezetta's last record popularity, was on the commercial for degrassi. apparently i was really late realizing this, since the commercial had been out for a long time, but it was still a really strange moment.

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wednesday 10.1

talked to kevin for a while, until the wee hours of the morning, while he was at work. i also talked to arthur again. i wish i could give something back to him for all of the compassion that he shows to me...but there isn't. hopefully he will find happiness, like he deserves.

apparently orphans was on one tree hill. not that i watch one tree hill....but i love orphans. and it makes me think of my sam...who i miss dearly.

went to lunch at jason's deli with my mom and dad, and put a good dent in new moon. i was finally picking up the momentum to finish the book, so we stopped by wal-mart on the way home to pick up eclipse. they were sold out of it, however, and i was not about to go out of my way to pick it up elsewhere. we got some groceries, cut the blank chili's/st. jude key so that i had my own working house key again, and headed home.

read for a bit at home, updated blog and tried to get through the dense work of recounting austin city limits. i was about to fall asleep, so i decided to take the dogs for a walk instead. i have four dogs, if you didn't know, so it is impossible to walk them all at once. so, two rounds of walking later, i had taken all of them. i just walked block after block with the puppies, listening to the across the universe soundtrack on my zen...until it froze.

the wireless on my computer started acting up when i got back, so it was next to impossible to keep working on my blog. there isn't exactly a hard line to connect to in my house, and the wireless router was being stupid, so that was the source of a great bit of frustration. just another sign that my computer is reaching the end of it's life...because apparently my computer turned out to be the source of the problems, not the router.

went to get coffee for myself and jess before work, and talked to kevin for a bit. apparently he knows this girl brittany, who i used to work with at old navy, because she was in front of me in line a couple of people and they bantered a bit. apparently kevin is blowing off her attempts to hang out. really trustworthy, eh?

jess wasn't feeling well and had wanted me to cover her shift, but unfortunately i was already scheduled for that night, so she had to come in anyway. the night absolutely flew by, and some friend of sara was one of our last customers. he was really cute, and completely fits my type. it is nice to see that guys i desire exist, besides the ones i had and couldn't keep.

kaitlin stopped by we chatted for a while. that girl is too damn cute for her own good, and i'm sure all of her guy issues will resolve themselves soon enough. shawn took forever getting back form his last delivery, and we couldn't close up until he got back. kaitlin, jess, and myself were going to hit up starbucks once we closed, but between shawn's lethargic behavior and the register being short, we didn't finish until 10. jess and i weren't ready to go home, but kaitlin had a curfew, so she had to head back. i called kevin to get him to join jess and i to kasbah, and then waited for big josh to finish closing at randalls. we ended up taking separate cars so that i could leave early, which turned out to be a waste.

i had a nice heart to heart with josh, and i realized that i have much more in common with him than with kevin. actually articulating my hesitance and misgivings about kevin was cathartic, and i really figured things out in that ride. listened to at the drive-in for the first time in a long time, and was in a great mood getting to kasbah.

there were a ton of people out on the porch, even more than normal. i had a great time, particularly with this girl tricia who i met. we shared the couch with her, and she was sarcastic, funny, and witty as hell. we really got along well, and it was nice to have a strong female dynamic instead of being completely overrun by testosterone and douche bag-ness like it usually is. i texted kyle and cody for a while...and i had a smile on my face for a good deal of the night. shisha always makes me really lightheaded, and i was feeling great. i ended up staying until they closed, despite promising myself i would leave by 1, just because i was enjoying myself that much. i also love hanging out with jess...i'm going to legitimately miss her once i go back to school.

thursday 10.2

i worked from 1030 to 5 and it was extraordinarily slow. some days hot wok feels like torture.

watched supernatural and then pushing daisies. it was my first time seeing pushing daisies, and the show in its entirety is just as visually captivating as the commercials make it out to be. it is such a fairy tale and the color and composition of the set is absolutely breathtaking and arresting. jack's played on jay leno and then ben folds on conan. good performances all and all.

i tried to fix my computer, but it completely died. i asked my dad to look at it, but of course he put it off. i started to use my mom's laptop, which was frustrating, but i wasn't really left with much choice. my computer won't even turn on, so i am shit out of luck for the time being.

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friday 10.3

i finished reading new moon while attempting to go to sleep and failing miserably. it is hard for me to read about love, even in something as fantastical and unrealistic as the twilight series. there is twinge of regret and pain stabbing through my very being every time i see the word or read about someone else's happiness.

i have an increasing anxiety thinking about school and my incompletes...and i am terrified yet exhilarated thinking about it.

i had a really hard time getting out of bed, mostly because of my late night reading session. went and had lunch at the chick-fil-a at the mall with my mom and dad, and then went to go see blindness.

i was so excited about that movie...and it completely lived up to my expectations. it was visually arresting and deeply moving. it is terrifying to think about what people, as a group not as individuals, are capable of, and this movie really captured some of the worst of humanity in a very believable way.

went to wolf camera to pick up a new lens cover for my rebel...i managed to lose it on sunday, and i was terrified of scratching the lense. they didn't have an covers the right size though, so we ordered a couple of spares. in the meantime i picked up a filter so that if it gets scratched, its just $30 worth of damage, not several hundred.

i was scheduled to work from 530 to 830 to cashier during the rush, but it did not get as busy as it was supposed to. i left at 730 when we had no more customers.

came home and talked to .org people all night. i am really happy for arthur...this is just what i wanted for him, but it kind of cements the idea in my head that i will never find someone. if someone can so serendipitously walk into arthur's life...but not mine, it seems a bit pointless.

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saturday 10.4

work from 1030 to 5. during my shift kaitlin texted me and asked if i could work sunday morning for her since she wouldn't be getting in my boa arlington until 3 or 4 in the morning, and since i did not have any definitive plans i said i could do it. i really did not want to...but there was really no reason for me not to.

chris called mid-afternoon to let me know that uncle david wasn't able to go to the carlos mencia show in san antonio that he had bought tickets for. he and his roommate were already planning on going, and he offered to meet up with me when i got off work. i ducked out of work a few minutes early, gave some money to chris to go grab us some coffee, and then ran home to change out of my clothes that reeked of chinese food.

the show went on for an eternity, and i did not think it would ever end. he had four opening acts, and then went on for two and a half hours instead of the forty five he was scheduled for. the humor was particularly awkward with the company and it was really not my style or in line with my sensibilities. it was cool to actually go to a big comedy show, but like i said, not really my thing.

i talked to jim on the drive home, which was nice. sometimes i wonder if that kid is even alive, but he talks to me whenever it is convenient for him. same old jim. oh, and alex texted me early in the afternoon to let me know that he would be passing through on thursday. sarah won't be able to come since she is headed to new orleans for katie's bacholerette party, which is a drag.

blake was also texting me a lot, which is kind of awkward considering he is my brother's roommate. he is really funny and cool though. went to sleep texting, and ended up sleeping through some interesting stuff. oh well....it happens. i was so exhausted...it was definitely the longest time (consequetively) that i had spent awake in a long time.

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sunday 10.5

went to work from 1030 to 300. kevin and i arent talking at all now...i told him i didnt want to be in a relationship, and that wasn't okay with him. i guess he isn't mature enough to talk to me if he isn't going to get what he wants, but whatever. just more proof that i do not want to be with him...or anyone like him. my brother brought me coffee mid-morning, which was awesome. kevin came in, but we were really busy so i didn't chat with him at all. cory and i had some good conversation though

called my mom to let her know i got off work, and my family was just sitting down for lunch at chili's - so i headed over to join. my dad let me know that he had looked at my computer, and that he would have to send it off to get fixed. i realllllly need a new computer. i guess i'm stuck using my mom's until at least saturday though. my dad left for st. louis, which i did not know about until he headed for the airport after lunch. i came back and read some ayn rand and took a nap. lots of texting, internet, and the like. some stimulating conversation ended the night and i fell asleep smiling.

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monday 10.6

went to work from 1030 to 5...it is really starting to feel like the daily grind. nothing eventful happened. came home and didn't really have anything to watch on tv. since kxan went off the air on time warner, all of the channels have been kind of messed up. i watched casper though, for the first time in ages. it feels like eternity ago when that movie came out.

spent the whole night on the computer...chatting with .org people and the like. ended up facing down a hugeeee mind fuck. i talked to jeff for the first time and he is cool as shit. we had some really interesting conversation, and i love his company. we definitely hit it off. let's just say that the internet got a lot more interesting for me. ironically, he is from st. louis which is just where my dad went for work.

took a nap, and then went down to kasbah to meet up with kyle. austin was supposed to join but ended up staying at the dorm and doing homework. then kyle's friend sean came, but he was really quiet. kirt ended up joining us and we talked about tattoos for a long time. sean left and then the three of us had some good conversation. kirt had the night off, so we just waited for zoe and nick to show up and then headed back to kirt's place to smoke and chill. it started raining and the sound was beautiful. we just chilled and listened to music for a while and listened to the rain, which was really relaxing. a bit of discussion about piercings and horoscopes and i really enjoyed the company.

kyle and i left around 3, and the roads were so slick on the way back. luckily, it had stopped raining, so no visibility issues driving back. picked up whataburger on the way back and called it a night. good day overall though - a bit more eventful than i had been expecting.

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tuesday 10.7

really did not do a lot of anything today. i had a really hard time getting up and ending up laying bed for what feels like an eternity. talked to jeff for a while, which was fun. i think i succeeded in keeping him occupied while he passed the time at work. had some leftovers for lunch and chatted with my mom for a bit. our relationship seems really strained...she doesn't know how to live with her own life, nonetheless deal with all of her kids.

took the dogs for a walk and listened to the glass passenger. i broke the promise i had made to myself to wait until i had the physical copy...because it has still been a week and not one of my three pre-orders is here. hopefully they will be in within the next week or so, but it is pointless to torture myself in anticipation, so i listened to the digital download on my zen.

fell asleep trying to watch heroes online, and woke up around 630. my mom went to the booster meeting at the high school and left me money to buy dinner for myself and sarah. then ian called and needed a ride, it was some kind of disconnect. went and picked up some food at bush's chicken, came home and enjoyed dinner with sarah and ian. actually watched heroes from start to end, and then some episodes of 30 rock.

went to get coffee at starbucks for the four of us that were home, and came back to more episodes of 30 rock and life. i really should have watched the debate...but i wasn't in the mood for it at all. then updated the blog which has led me up until now...5 am. am now i am caught up, finally. woohoo :)

the day i tried to fly. . .

this deserved its own separate post. i have been thinking a lot about birmingham...and how i wish i hadn't been saved. i am becoming increasingly, desperately lost. i do not even want to rouse myself from my mindless slumber...because at least then i am not conscious of my own depressing existence.

i'll dig a hole in my room
from birmingham and back again for you
i tried all i could to be true. . .
cuz i dont really like being alone
i dont really like being alone
i think i might just go back home
get an actual job
. . .then i'd get some sleep
i'd like to think that we would all finally sleep.

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But when the glass, it hit the wall
Mother cried and the cops were called
The day you said goodbye

. . .Really did it this time
The boy looks down and begins to cry
The day you said goodbye

And I know you’ve been abandoned
But don’t abandon ship on me
Just know like a winter white snow

You’ve been forgiven, come back to me
I know right now that don’t mean anything

Your skinny legs bounced up into the sky
I tried to tell you to be careful not to jump that high
With your fingers crossed, you fall against the ground
I saw it all, the day you tried to fly

When the red and blue lights made the scene
Your eyes were glazed, and honestly
Can you remember anything?

But when the others ran away
I prayed to God they wouldn’t stay
But sometimes He doesn’t listen

From a father to his daughter
My prodigal child, come back to me
From a sinner to his Maker
Your prodigal son is on his knees

Sweet God, please hold on to me
Sweet God, hold her please, oh please
The day she tries to fly
Hold me, the day I try to fly

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I wrote a song for your sister
Her stomach pumped charcoal and drugs
I wrote a song for your sister
But she folded it fourteen times up

all night long i dream of the day

austin city limits day three

so, i got a late start again...unintentionally. by this point, i am absolutely exhausted and there isn't anyone else going with me this morning to make me accountable. i did not miss anyone i wanted to see, which was a first. woke up by myself, packed up my things and left the key under the mat. stopped by the oltorf starbucks and enjoyed some water, my favorite java chip frappucino, and a slice of banana nut loaf.

have i ever mentioned how much i despise the fact that they call all their breads loafs? not pumpkin bread, pumpkin loaf. banana nut loaf, not banana nut bread. something about the word loaf...particularly when it is not a whole loaf of bread is somewhat disturbing to me. starbucks, get your shit together.

grabbed an ethos water for the show, and walked across the street to the gas station. bought a vitamin water and some cash from the atm.

got in my car, turned up some jack's and drove down west street until i found parking. it ended up being all the way down on 9th...but something about going to the festival alone and feeling in my element downtown was very zen. walked to the shuttle, no cigarettes and really felt...whole. no cigarettes all day...be proud.

the shuttle line was not nearly as long...i never had to stop and wait, just simply walk at a reasonable pace all the way through the queue. the guy in front of me had some sweet political toms, i kind of want some. i never really got into the toms thing, but i would love to wear my ballot on my feet.

no dslr, so no hassle going through security. walked over to at&t and settled down for the flyleaf set. the singer, despite my misgivings with this band, is such a badass...i want to be her. she ranted on about jesus, god, and christianity for a bit. i was under the impression that they had gone secular, but i guess i was wrong. it is not really my cup of tea for bands to flaunt their religious affiliations or lack thereof, but it was still a good set. and they are from temple, so word up.

i met up with kevin and austin next to the bar stage left and then walked over to at&t blue room for stars. we found zoe and colin over under the tent closest to the stage in the zilker beach area, but we decided to get up and walk to the crowd once some random band started playing on the kiddie limits stage nearby. it was impossible to hear them, so we braved the mid-afternoon heat. there were also some obnoxious girls...you know, the kid of girls who all wear the same two color nike running shorts and all with the scene girl headband. they also said that their acl weekend had been epic...maybe it's time that i came up with a new favorite adjective.

stars' set was actually kind of disappointing. somehow the album doesn't translate to the stage, at least not in the festival setting....the mix was not great at all. we were about to leave, then they played going, going, gone so we stuck around until it was over. going, going, gone makes me miss millsaps...i used to study to stars, so it makes me only a bit nostalgic. then we headed back over to the at&t stage to catch the silversun pickups.

kyle was already in the crowd trying to get close for foo fighters - he was even missing some other bands he wanted to see so that he would be right up front for their set at the end of the day. we tried to get up to him, but by the time the silversun pickups set rolled around it was already completely packed. we pushed our way up and got pretty close, maybe five people between us, and we absolutely couldn't get any closer. i ended up behind five really tall, really obnoxious guys. about three or four songs in, some people left in front of me, so i stepped through...and kevin and austin didn't follow. apparently they weren't really comfortable pushing through the crowd, but hell - i wanted to actually see the set. i actually ended up standing in front of andy garza, and didn't even realize it. he pointed it out to me later on facebook, but i was completely oblivious to the fact at the time.

smoked, texted cody for a bit, and texted kevin. kevin and i ended up exchanging heated words, but whatever. i wasn't going to let it ruin my day. silversun pickups reminds me of cody for some reason...i really wish he could have been there. i guess he kind of falls into the same category as mitch - they are the kind of people i would love to spend a day like today with. instead, i spent the first half of it with a tempermental guy whose attitude still hasn't shifted from high school. how...fortunate? not really.

i could actually receive calls and texts for most of the day, which was nice. i called my little sister during flyleaf and it was pretty easy to keep in touch with people....finding them was still a task.

i hate fighting over stupid, inane, hypocritical things. everyone should hold themselves to the same standards they are holding other people to, and you can't hold grudges without expecting others to as well. it is hard to be the better person when you are surrounded by ignorant fools.

ended up going to okkervil river by myself, grabbed some salt lick and sweet tea on the way, and had a very chill set. i felt kind of like i was under constant scrutiny by the people around me, but i was just being paranoid. then i walked over to watch the raconteurs set, right as the sun was going down. sunset is so beautiful...especially on a day like today.

their set was nice, but not really my thing. after about thirty minutes, it was about to put me to sleep, so i went to watch a bit of gnarls barkley. i love walking through the crowds...i feel so in my element, anonymous among the masses. after about 30 minutes i went back over to the raconteurs to meet up with zoe at rock island. finally found her, but then we lost colin, who had gone to watch white denim. we finally met up with him near the dell computer rocks tent and the giant light ballon, and headed over to find a nice place on the lawn between at&t and dell. sat for a few minutes, then got up to watch band of horses.

band of horses, at times, reminded me so much of manchester orchestra. for some reason, in my mind, i had imagined that band of horses would have sounded much different. i had never spent the time to actually listen, and i was pleasantly surprised. colin and zoe needed their alone time, so i went back to grab my things from their blanket and walked up towards the stage for foo fighters.

unfortunately, foo fighters started about ten minutes early...completely interrupting the end of the band of horses set. it was kind of a douche bag thing to do, but they kind of apologized for it later. i felt so bad for band of horses...you couldn't hear a damn thing once both sets were going. it wasn't even their last song, so their set was cut short.

it was amazing to see the foo fighters, but it would have been so much more enjoyable if the acoustics had been better. the mix was awful, it was almost impossible to discern the vocals even with a fairly tame crowd. i tried to call my brother during a couple of songs, since he is a huge foo fighters fan and couldn't afford to come, but i could barely hear it - he did not stand a chance of hearing it through the phone.

all my life i've been searching for something
something never comes, never leads to nothing. . .
all night long i dream of the day
it leaves me with the feeling that i feel the most
the feeling comes to life when i see your ghost
hey, don't let it go to waste
i love it but i hate the taste
weight bringing me down

hook me up a new revolution,
'cause this one is a lie
. . .i'm looking to the sky to save me
looking for a sign of life
looking for something to help me burn out bright
i'm looking for a complication
looking 'cause i'm tired of lying
. . .i'd give it all away
if you'd give me one last try

a stubborn heart remains unchanged
no home, no life, no love
no stranger singing in your name. . .
load road to ruin
there in your eyes. . .
forever gone without a trace
your horizon takes its shape

too alarming now to talk about. . .
truth or consequence, say it aloud

i got closer and closer, but the sound did not really improve that dramatically. i had a pretty unobstructed view of the stage, but i really wish that it was not so dusty and i had been able to get some decent shots with my point and shoot. there was a little kid standing behind me at one point with his friends who wanted to crowd surf, which was cute. i remember crowd surfing at a starting line show at emos when i was like...13. lame, haha.

at times, it really felt like a true concert experience again, like i mentioned the other day with bloc party. dave grohl's banter on stage was also infinitely entertaining - between the triangle solo and his response to a fan jumping on stage "he's a student, go easy on him! shit happens, i've been there...you have seven coors light and you get all excited. he's just a kid, go easy on him!" i was cracking up. i really did not want to leave early, but the mix was awful and i did not want to stay up until the crack of dawn waiting for the shuttle when everyone left en masse at the end.

there was no stopping in the shuttle line, and about fifteen minutes after i walked out of the gate, i was on a shuttle bus. i couldn't have timed it better. i even heard the end of their set, wrapping up as i stepped on board. i still had my hero ringing in my ears as i walked out. . .and the chills really did not ebb with the passing time.

after i got off the shuttle, i started walking back towards my car, and then on a whim i decided to stop by katz's. what better way to end my first austin city limits than with a huge slice of cheesecake and an ice cold pepsi. i hadn't been to katz's since the last time i went to a show with lindsey coulter and her aunt...which must have been eighth grade. i loved going downtown with those two, and i really miss those carefree shows.

now, i can't think of katz's without thinking of dean katz, which made me chuckle. my waiter was really cool, so i stuck around for a while, just writing and watching people pass by down sixth. these last three days were the longest, yet the shortest days i have had in a while, and it feels like the whole weekend is over before i could even exhale. no, that's not the right way to describe it. it was over before i could really inhale and take it all in. i can't wait to do it all again.

ironically, despite not bringing along my DSLR, i got more pictures today than friday and saturday combined. i will probably spend hours on end weeding through all these shots and editing them. i can't wait. does that make me a nerd? maybe, but i love it. i don't work monday or tuesday, so the next two days should be full of absolutely nothing. it will be nice to balance out all of the density of the last three days.

and i hear him every night, in every pore

austin city limits day one.

i was so excited, i couldn't really go to sleep thursday night. i stayed up way too late doing everything but being productive. i woke up around 1030 and did not get out of bed until 11. i called sarah a million and a half times and she never answered. we were supposed to meet up for lunch, and considering that it takes about half an hour to get down to her apartment, i was worried that maybe she had already left. i went ahead and started to head down, taking my time in case i heard from her, but expecting to go by myself.

then, right as i'm pulling onto 183 and i make one last attempt to reach her, she answers. "you're killing me smalls." she was still asleep. so i stopped at randalls to get some coffee and saw kevin. he tried to make me stay and hang out with him, but i was already running late. i also saw dustin, which was ironic since one of the older baristas asked if i knew him the day before. random chain of events. we had class together in elementary school and then completely lost touch for years and years. then we were in the same group for senior project presentations, which was random as hell. oh man....senior projects. makes me think of lois brantmeyer and his fascination with the fact that i was aware of existentialism....because apparently that's weird? wait...i wrote a twelve page thesis on it? crazy. apparently he doesn't listen to enough straylight run either. then he would realize that existentialism isn't this completely hidden, off the map concept. i could write for days about the arguments i got into with lois in heritage, and all of our disagreements, but maybe some other time.

after coffee, i ran by target to pick up a purse. i mean, i have a million and a half purses, but i felt like i needed to find the bag for ACL. and my brown coach bag was just not going to do. i found a fun yellow and white striped diaper bag with a couple pockets, and it worked out brilliantly. stuck on an 11:11 am pin and it was instantly my bag.

i drove through wendy's down near 6th and picked up lunch for sarah and myself. then i finally made it to her apartment around 1:00. then we had some preparation to do. after we ate and finally got everything together, we smoked and headed downtown to find some parking near the shuttle. we ended up parking at 8th and west and walked the few blocks to 4th and guadalupe. the sheer magnitude of the people waiting for the bus was shocking. it is hard to imagine tens of thousands of people, nonetheless thousands in line waiting for shuttles.

we finally got to zilker and walked around to the entrance. sarah and i had to go through separate entrances since she just had day passes and i had a wristband, and i was kind of concerned about losing her when we got through the gate. oh, i guess i should mention at this point that this is my first time ever going to acl. i never really had the money to go until i started school, and both freshman and sophomore year girl's bid day was on the same weekend as the festival. luckily, if i had been at school this year, they pushed the festival back two weeks so it didn't line up with girl's bid day regardless.

for those of you outside the greek community, rush and bid day are the only sacred events that you can absolutely not get out of unless by some act of god. it is just one of those things you can't avoid....even if you disaffiliate, you have to be around for all of that.

we got there around 4, which felt like an eternity, but it was when a vast majority of the people were showing up. we missed what made milwaukee famous and vampire weekend, both of whom i was really excited about, but there was too much to look forward to to really dwell on the fact.

we sat down to camp out for patty griffin since not much was playing early in the day after vampire weekend, and watched the end of del the funky homosapien. we ran into david, sarah's brother, not too long after we sat down. he had an amazing sequined mardi gras flag that somehow we missed even though he was sitting right in front of us. we sat and watched a good bit of patty griffin's set (yes, i survived somehow - she was actually quite good) and saw the beginning of gogol bordello as we walked over for mates of state.

then the next couple of hours we just bounced around from stage to stage, with about 30-45 minutes at each set. mates of state to hot chip to jenny lewis. we got some food from stubb's, my favorite sweet leaf tea, and sat down to watch the eli young band. let's just say that whoever thought to sell amy's ice cream and a bunch of other munchies to a festival full of stoners was a genius. i love austin and it's infatuation with supporting local businesses. it is the little things in life, the little things about austin such as this that really make me love it more and more. after we finished eating, we headed over to catch the tail end of n.e.r.d.

let's take a minute to pause and acknowledge my infatuation with pharrell williams. i have had a crush on him....forever. it was really cool to finally see him perform with n.e.r.d.

then, the moment n.e.r.d. was over, we headed up to get a good spot to camp out for the mars volta. we decided to not go see g love so that we could stake out a good place, and it was totally worth it. we got to listen to the swell season from where we were sitting. i had no idea that the swell season were the artists who did the music for once...and it was so cool to hear them. very unexpected.

we were sitting next to some pretty strange girl who kept twitching and staring at us. kinda creepy. everyone was freaking out a little bit, but nothing crazy. then the mars volta. ahhhhh so good :) i wished they had played less from goliath...but what can you do. so sexual. so amazing. words really can't describe what it was like. i know it wasn't their best show or their best set by any means - but it was still my first tmv experience. and it was earth shattering.

----
please note:
i want someone to do to me in bed what the mars volta did to me when they were on stage. maybe this is why i love musicians so much
k. thanks :)
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she's crawling, she's still crawling
on your burial ground
she's falling, she's still falling
but no one wants to come


and i hear him every night
on every street
the scales that do slither
deliver me from…
freeze without an answer
free from all the shame
then i'll hide
cause i'll never
never sleep alone
oh lord
said i'm bloodshot for sure
pale runs the ghost
swollen on the shore
every night
in every pore


don't let me, don't let me go
there is a venom in numerical lies


the ocean floor is hidden
from your viewing lens
a depth perception
languished in the night
all my life, i’ve been
sowing the wounds . . .
she took a drink
those nicotine stains
on his every word
my scavenger quilt
will only hide the truth
bring me
bring me this plague
i count the days to find
what was left behind
only these names I clutch
will lead me to my home
Somehow this river marks
A wrinkle hand in mine
And everyday that parts
The water into two
Mothers and feathers start
To drown the living proof

we had tried to find sara and taylor to catch the set with them, but it was impossible. i also tried to find kyle, but he was on the other side of the stage, so again - impossible. we ran into adam, austin, and kyle near the sound booth after the show but were a bit distracted. and it took waaaay too much effort to find them. so we headed back to meet up with jimmy who was already on the way to pick us up so we did not have to wait for the shuttle. a layer of dirt covering every inch of my body, adrenaline rushing through my veins, and my contacts tearing at the edges of my bloodshot eyes. and i never felt so amazing :)

jimmy dropped me off at my car and i followed him back to the apartment. they went off to meet up with some of jimmy's friends out on west 6th, and i stayed home since i am under age :(. only like...51 days until i am 21. hell yes :) it is frustrating not having a fake, but this close to my birthday it is absolutely pointless and an obscene waste of money to invest in a decent one. i guess i will just have to wait.

took a shower, drank a beer, and listened to some music on sarah's itunes. i put on cold war kids, which i had recently changed my text message ring to after the jonas brothers' incident, and put it on random. and then as i was talking to jimmy (they hadn't left yet) i received a text message just as we used to vacation came on. i thought i was hallucinating because they were echoing each other. it was crazy :) what are the odds that i got a text at the exact same time the song came on when the album was on shuffle?

speaking of texts, my service was all kinds of fucked up out on the festival site. i would not receive texts for 30 minutes, and then all of the sudden have 15. or i would get upset about someone not answering me, only to go check my outbox and see that what i thought i had sent was still queued up.

the number of people at this event was mind boggling, so it understandable (to a point) that the phone service might go crazy. sarah and i were also victims of extreme smoke and dust inhalation...resulting in brown boogers and lots of coughing and chest congestion. grooooss.

i then went and picked up some food at whataburger and finally registered for south by southwest. i got the okay from kent and ongeleigh to align myself with quiddity,so yay for networking and not just being some random nobody!

i thought of him all day. this is exactly the kind of day that would be perfect for us. the kind of day i would love to share with him. and the juxtaposition of sunday with kevin at the festival just made it worse. but he was on my mind every minute of every day. it is so hard sometimes, and anything that brings me closer to him and the bond we shared makes it that much harder. unfortunately, anything that makes me really happy is inevitably shared with him as well...we are so much alike. too much alike, i know. but i can't help but feel that i am incomplete without him there with me. i miss you. i don't know what else to say...

when jimmy was driving us back, we saw an accident. an suv hit a biker leaving zilker and i felt so hopeless. there was nothing anyone could do to help the poor girl except stand near her and tell her that help was coming, that everything was going to be okay. i feel so helpless, so useless, so.... i don't know. there is a distance between myself and everything i feel and experience now, it is hard to pinpoint exactly how or why. but for some reason, i felt more in line with that girl lying there on the ground than with anyone else i know. i feel like all my friends are spitting useless, superficial words trying to comfort me, but i am a lost cause. stuck there, waiting for the inevitable...wishing i could bring it about just a bit faster. going along, hindered by my means of transportation - the only means i have left to me in this condition, and i am plowed down by someone else that is better equipped, more prepared, on a different level. i need to find a way to peel myself off the cement, pick myself up again - but all i am left with is a broken, wobbly bicycle that was already inept before this catastrophe.