sometimes it just doesn't seem like i can find a way to be positive. i started to write this blog last night but i was way too depressed. im honestly not feeling that much better this morning....im still suffocating. some days it just sneaks up on me and takes my breath away, and i wonder if i should even try to catch it again. the inevitable darkness slipping all around me seems unavoidable, and i worry that i will never break this cycle. emptiness, drowning with no sense of direction. everything is pitch black, impossible to find the surface - no light distinguishing right from wrong. just an endless sea of despair and growing inadequacy.
i have had it ingrained that medicine can fix anything, but i can feel the lag whenever i am on it. the connections don't come, and there are no hills and valleys - only one endless flat plain of existence. no dips or pitfalls, save the depression, still there muffled in the background, an imposing threat with no perspective on when it will crash in around me again. there are also no peaks, nothing to give you hope or reason to believe the pattern might change. i feel like the lights are dimmed when i am medicated, subduing the impending doom i feel so often but never fix the problem. i know medicine isn't the answer, it is just a way to hide from myself...but sometimes that shelter seems so inviting.
unfortunately, i always break through the haze (while on the pills) into a blinding clarity. the chemicals never balance quite right and i make rash decisions. i decide it isn't worth living...but there is also no sense in living how i do now either. i have been smiling more than ever lately, but my hands constantly shake waiting for the inevitable end. uneasiness settling in my chest, somewhere above the bottom of my stomach and below my heart...afraid to rise up into uncertainty and heartbreak. pushing down, suppressing the urge to allow myself to be any more vulnerable than i always am.
some one save me from myself...because now i just toe the line of apathy, keeping myself from caring enough to end it all. there is no way to break through the middle ground to the other side of happiness without help. everyone says i have to help myself...but i already am to the best of my ability. every day that i decide to get out of bed instead of falling asleep and never waking back up is a victory...but making that day worth living is something i cant conquer on my own anymore.
i woke up at 9 and texted jeff for a while...despite only going to sleep less than 4 hours before. then i fell asleep, woke up to more texts and a voicemail saying my lens covers i had ordered had arrived at wolf camera. had lunch, surfed the internet, like usual, then went to pick up my lens covers. i said something to jeff yesterday...and i cant remember. it is almost at the front of my mind, but i can't quite place it...it was relevant to my rant above. maybe it will come to me.
came home and walked my dogs, listening to the glass passenger again. i have said it before, but i'll say it again. i love this album and it grew on me immensely....but i can only get so close to it. it is too optimistic for me, and i can only relate up to a certain point. there are plenty of heavy topics and lines, but it is laced with an overly optimistic overtone that is so sweet, it makes me sick to my stomach. to know that i can't feel that way....that i don't feel that way...and that i used to relate to this writer so much. i can only hope that one day i can relate to the glass passenger the way that i did to everything in transit, but i think that on that day hell might freeze over.
fell asleep watching an episode of life and got a thirty minute nap before work. i woke up in such a piss poor mood that i almost just called in to work. another day of not wanting to wake to face reality.
sometimes i say that work was slow, but never before has it compared to tonight. there were two dine-in customers all night...it was literally all to go. the first dine-in customer wasn't even until three hours into my shift. and of course today is the one day that i don't bring a book with me, ugh. i made a whopping $8 in tips....awesome? haha.
tried to get some shit together for the show tonight...to no avail. ugh. jess and i had some good chats though, i love talking to that girl. oh, and shawn brought me some cookies from mcdonalds which was sweet.
came home, smoked, and chatted for a bit, but i was way too depressed to stay up. i tried to talk to people, but it wasn't until i was told that i wasn't really into it did i realize how down i was. i went to bed at 10 and did not wake up until 8...then slept through my alarm and missed my dermatology appointment. hopefully tonight will be better, shiny toy guns/jonezetta and then kasbah.
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