and i hear him every night, in every pore

austin city limits day one.

i was so excited, i couldn't really go to sleep thursday night. i stayed up way too late doing everything but being productive. i woke up around 1030 and did not get out of bed until 11. i called sarah a million and a half times and she never answered. we were supposed to meet up for lunch, and considering that it takes about half an hour to get down to her apartment, i was worried that maybe she had already left. i went ahead and started to head down, taking my time in case i heard from her, but expecting to go by myself.

then, right as i'm pulling onto 183 and i make one last attempt to reach her, she answers. "you're killing me smalls." she was still asleep. so i stopped at randalls to get some coffee and saw kevin. he tried to make me stay and hang out with him, but i was already running late. i also saw dustin, which was ironic since one of the older baristas asked if i knew him the day before. random chain of events. we had class together in elementary school and then completely lost touch for years and years. then we were in the same group for senior project presentations, which was random as hell. oh man....senior projects. makes me think of lois brantmeyer and his fascination with the fact that i was aware of existentialism....because apparently that's weird? wait...i wrote a twelve page thesis on it? crazy. apparently he doesn't listen to enough straylight run either. then he would realize that existentialism isn't this completely hidden, off the map concept. i could write for days about the arguments i got into with lois in heritage, and all of our disagreements, but maybe some other time.

after coffee, i ran by target to pick up a purse. i mean, i have a million and a half purses, but i felt like i needed to find the bag for ACL. and my brown coach bag was just not going to do. i found a fun yellow and white striped diaper bag with a couple pockets, and it worked out brilliantly. stuck on an 11:11 am pin and it was instantly my bag.

i drove through wendy's down near 6th and picked up lunch for sarah and myself. then i finally made it to her apartment around 1:00. then we had some preparation to do. after we ate and finally got everything together, we smoked and headed downtown to find some parking near the shuttle. we ended up parking at 8th and west and walked the few blocks to 4th and guadalupe. the sheer magnitude of the people waiting for the bus was shocking. it is hard to imagine tens of thousands of people, nonetheless thousands in line waiting for shuttles.

we finally got to zilker and walked around to the entrance. sarah and i had to go through separate entrances since she just had day passes and i had a wristband, and i was kind of concerned about losing her when we got through the gate. oh, i guess i should mention at this point that this is my first time ever going to acl. i never really had the money to go until i started school, and both freshman and sophomore year girl's bid day was on the same weekend as the festival. luckily, if i had been at school this year, they pushed the festival back two weeks so it didn't line up with girl's bid day regardless.

for those of you outside the greek community, rush and bid day are the only sacred events that you can absolutely not get out of unless by some act of god. it is just one of those things you can't avoid....even if you disaffiliate, you have to be around for all of that.

we got there around 4, which felt like an eternity, but it was when a vast majority of the people were showing up. we missed what made milwaukee famous and vampire weekend, both of whom i was really excited about, but there was too much to look forward to to really dwell on the fact.

we sat down to camp out for patty griffin since not much was playing early in the day after vampire weekend, and watched the end of del the funky homosapien. we ran into david, sarah's brother, not too long after we sat down. he had an amazing sequined mardi gras flag that somehow we missed even though he was sitting right in front of us. we sat and watched a good bit of patty griffin's set (yes, i survived somehow - she was actually quite good) and saw the beginning of gogol bordello as we walked over for mates of state.

then the next couple of hours we just bounced around from stage to stage, with about 30-45 minutes at each set. mates of state to hot chip to jenny lewis. we got some food from stubb's, my favorite sweet leaf tea, and sat down to watch the eli young band. let's just say that whoever thought to sell amy's ice cream and a bunch of other munchies to a festival full of stoners was a genius. i love austin and it's infatuation with supporting local businesses. it is the little things in life, the little things about austin such as this that really make me love it more and more. after we finished eating, we headed over to catch the tail end of n.e.r.d.

let's take a minute to pause and acknowledge my infatuation with pharrell williams. i have had a crush on him....forever. it was really cool to finally see him perform with n.e.r.d.

then, the moment n.e.r.d. was over, we headed up to get a good spot to camp out for the mars volta. we decided to not go see g love so that we could stake out a good place, and it was totally worth it. we got to listen to the swell season from where we were sitting. i had no idea that the swell season were the artists who did the music for once...and it was so cool to hear them. very unexpected.

we were sitting next to some pretty strange girl who kept twitching and staring at us. kinda creepy. everyone was freaking out a little bit, but nothing crazy. then the mars volta. ahhhhh so good :) i wished they had played less from goliath...but what can you do. so sexual. so amazing. words really can't describe what it was like. i know it wasn't their best show or their best set by any means - but it was still my first tmv experience. and it was earth shattering.

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please note:
i want someone to do to me in bed what the mars volta did to me when they were on stage. maybe this is why i love musicians so much
k. thanks :)
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she's crawling, she's still crawling
on your burial ground
she's falling, she's still falling
but no one wants to come


and i hear him every night
on every street
the scales that do slither
deliver me from…
freeze without an answer
free from all the shame
then i'll hide
cause i'll never
never sleep alone
oh lord
said i'm bloodshot for sure
pale runs the ghost
swollen on the shore
every night
in every pore


don't let me, don't let me go
there is a venom in numerical lies


the ocean floor is hidden
from your viewing lens
a depth perception
languished in the night
all my life, i’ve been
sowing the wounds . . .
she took a drink
those nicotine stains
on his every word
my scavenger quilt
will only hide the truth
bring me
bring me this plague
i count the days to find
what was left behind
only these names I clutch
will lead me to my home
Somehow this river marks
A wrinkle hand in mine
And everyday that parts
The water into two
Mothers and feathers start
To drown the living proof

we had tried to find sara and taylor to catch the set with them, but it was impossible. i also tried to find kyle, but he was on the other side of the stage, so again - impossible. we ran into adam, austin, and kyle near the sound booth after the show but were a bit distracted. and it took waaaay too much effort to find them. so we headed back to meet up with jimmy who was already on the way to pick us up so we did not have to wait for the shuttle. a layer of dirt covering every inch of my body, adrenaline rushing through my veins, and my contacts tearing at the edges of my bloodshot eyes. and i never felt so amazing :)

jimmy dropped me off at my car and i followed him back to the apartment. they went off to meet up with some of jimmy's friends out on west 6th, and i stayed home since i am under age :(. only like...51 days until i am 21. hell yes :) it is frustrating not having a fake, but this close to my birthday it is absolutely pointless and an obscene waste of money to invest in a decent one. i guess i will just have to wait.

took a shower, drank a beer, and listened to some music on sarah's itunes. i put on cold war kids, which i had recently changed my text message ring to after the jonas brothers' incident, and put it on random. and then as i was talking to jimmy (they hadn't left yet) i received a text message just as we used to vacation came on. i thought i was hallucinating because they were echoing each other. it was crazy :) what are the odds that i got a text at the exact same time the song came on when the album was on shuffle?

speaking of texts, my service was all kinds of fucked up out on the festival site. i would not receive texts for 30 minutes, and then all of the sudden have 15. or i would get upset about someone not answering me, only to go check my outbox and see that what i thought i had sent was still queued up.

the number of people at this event was mind boggling, so it understandable (to a point) that the phone service might go crazy. sarah and i were also victims of extreme smoke and dust inhalation...resulting in brown boogers and lots of coughing and chest congestion. grooooss.

i then went and picked up some food at whataburger and finally registered for south by southwest. i got the okay from kent and ongeleigh to align myself with quiddity,so yay for networking and not just being some random nobody!

i thought of him all day. this is exactly the kind of day that would be perfect for us. the kind of day i would love to share with him. and the juxtaposition of sunday with kevin at the festival just made it worse. but he was on my mind every minute of every day. it is so hard sometimes, and anything that brings me closer to him and the bond we shared makes it that much harder. unfortunately, anything that makes me really happy is inevitably shared with him as well...we are so much alike. too much alike, i know. but i can't help but feel that i am incomplete without him there with me. i miss you. i don't know what else to say...

when jimmy was driving us back, we saw an accident. an suv hit a biker leaving zilker and i felt so hopeless. there was nothing anyone could do to help the poor girl except stand near her and tell her that help was coming, that everything was going to be okay. i feel so helpless, so useless, so.... i don't know. there is a distance between myself and everything i feel and experience now, it is hard to pinpoint exactly how or why. but for some reason, i felt more in line with that girl lying there on the ground than with anyone else i know. i feel like all my friends are spitting useless, superficial words trying to comfort me, but i am a lost cause. stuck there, waiting for the inevitable...wishing i could bring it about just a bit faster. going along, hindered by my means of transportation - the only means i have left to me in this condition, and i am plowed down by someone else that is better equipped, more prepared, on a different level. i need to find a way to peel myself off the cement, pick myself up again - but all i am left with is a broken, wobbly bicycle that was already inept before this catastrophe.