. . .i know
i'm just a flaw. . .anyway
i'm just a flaw. . .anyway
i told myself that i would be productive today...but i haven't been in the way that i intended. woke up this morning to a bag full of kolaches my dad had picked up. i love the mornings when no one feels the need to do anything...like time has stopped and there is no rush to do anything. the world can wait and there is no hurry to rouse ourselves from our collective slumber.
went back to sleep for a little while, and then woke up around 11 to go to this estate sale right off cypress and 183. there were a half dozen rooms full of all kinds of assorted things, and it was wonderful. i ended up buying a vintage dooney and burke bag, some clinique cosmetic bags, 7 enamel bangles, a handful of kitchy necklaces, a victorian photo album, a french metal sign for my dorm, and a madonna blonde ambition tour shirt...for a grand total of $14.
drove over to the lake creek alamo drafthouse with sarah, ian, and my mom, and met up with chris and my dad. sarah and my dad went to see express and the rest of us went to see body of lies. it really didnt follow the plot i had expected from the trailer, but it was really good. now i just need to see quarantine and choke...and i'll be a happy camper.
came home, chatted on the computer with some of my good friends, did a couple crosswords, and took a nice bath with what little i have left of ayn rand. i can't put it down once i pick it up...it wasn't until the water ran cold that i finally got out. took a nap, and woke up with a few minutes to spare to meet up with jessica and kaitlin at starbucks.
i feel more at ease with myself now...i think surrounding myself with individuals whose company i actually enjoy makes all the difference in the world. it is pointless to fill this emptiness with meaningless, superficial relationships and friendships that are not fulfilling. jeff and cody have both been really helpful lately...and as jeff poignantly put it - "you're looking at it seriously the wrong way. it's about people who are good enough for you, and that's how you avoid getting hurt." or, as cody put it a bit more bluntly - "you shouldnt hang out with douchebags dear."
drove down to kasbah with kaitlin, listening to jacks and getting each other up to date in one another's lives. we waited for jess and ryan to get there, then claimed the couch on the porch, like always. after a bit, taylor trevino showed up, who i hadnt seen in forever. oh, and then tyler, kevin, and leah showed up and joined us. tyler and leah are both really cool, but it was super awkward seeing kevin...and for him to choose to sit with us. i hadn't seen leah since my first time coming to kasbah with kevin, so it was nice to see her. kyle and austin showed up after a bit, and the one night it was supposed to be a small group, it turned into a big group, yet again. it was busy so kirt didnt really get to say hey. kaitlin approves, not that it makes a difference, but its nice to know my friends like him too.
we had a lot of light-hearted conversation that slowly turned more serious as the night went on. ryan and i rambled about tattoos and shows like always, and i caught up with taylor a little bit. it is both a blessing and a curse to hang out with people you haven't seen in a while - the conversation comes easier, but they also have no idea when they are stepping over the faintly drawn line in the sand. it is simple to ask why i'm not in school...but not as simple when they don't let me write it off as just being sick. so, i talked about the whole cancer thing with taylor, kaitlin, jess, and ryan. thank god kevin and his group had moved to a different place at this point.
after a while tyler, liz, and gary came and sat with us. we talked a lot about astrology, which left kyle even more reserved than usual and completely out of his element, old cars and then tattoos. gary and i chatted about my tattoos for a bit, and thus the cancer conversation happened for the second time in one night. the conversation was a lot easier this time, however, which was a relief. you never know how people will react...except that they will never treat you the same. that is the only constant....no one ever looks at you the same. whether it is unearned reverence for dealing with such a trying experience or uncertainty on how to treat you...it never is the same as it should be. i just want to be normal some day...but i guess i was never destined to be average in every sense of the word.
once kirt got off work, we headed over to kerbey lane. it was extremely loud, and almost impossible to hear one another talk over the underoath blasting in the background and the large group of people nearby, but i had a great time. he seems genuinely interested in my exceedingly mundane life, and we talked a while about books. he even sat through my narnia rant about the last battle and all of its spiritual and metaphysical implications...which was awesome. i only know a handful of people that can listen to me ramble like that and stay engaged, and he is definitely added to those ranks. the conversation flows really well...and i really like this boy. i didnt think i could say that was true on more than a superficial level with anyone...not after everything, but i really mean it. i like this boy...and i havent found any irreconcilable differences, which is a pleasant surprise. he is much more optimistic than i am, which is nice.
we went to grab coffee after that, but i really don't remember the name of the place we went. i spilt my au lait all over the counter trying to pick up my mug, in true brandi form, clumsy like always. i really just love kirt's company. we don't even have to talk about anything, i just enjoy it. we are enough alike that we hit it off, but different enough that we don't seem to be butting heads.
went back to his place and tried to fix itunes, to no avail. settled on windows media player and turned on random stuff to listen to. lots of white stripes. everything was great until an unintentional joke sent me reeling. i guess i had been in a much more precarious situation than i had given myself credit for, and i was not prepared to hear. i felt so ill to my stomach...and it was the worst possible way for him to find out i was sick...through a joke. i felt like such an idiot but i couldn't help it. it just set me off and i couldnt get it together. i finally got my shit together but i was too big of a wreck to even talk about it...to volunteer the information. by this point i think all of his friends, except maybe nic and zoe know more about it than he does. im terrified of it changing things...i dont want something i have no control of to take away the one thing that makes me smile these days. i dont want to lose him...or the way he treats me like a real, normal person to something that i cant change.
the rest of the night was great, and it really isnt empty. my mind doesnt wander and i really just live in the moment. i love it. its about fucking time....maybe im not as broken as i like to think. maybe ill get over being so awkward and get back to being my normal self. i dont know how long im going to be able to balance his schedule and mine....unless i just stop sleeping. i hate that i live so far away, too. i guess if that is the worst thing, then i can live with that. i just cant think about the inevitable...or about the future. lets put that off as long as possible.
monday, i came back and watched tv with my mom. i was supposed to be home in time to pick up my sister from her friends house, but my mom got off work early so it was pointless for me to get up so early. we took zooper to get groomed, and he looks so cute now! his coat looks infinitely better when it is groomed. had short stop for lunch, then went to get my nails done. took a brief nap while i was watching grey's anatomy online, and read for a bit. then i had to go pick sarah up from soccer practice, shoveled down some spaghetti, and went down to meet up with kirt for bowling.
im going to have to finish this later...ive got to go get dressed and such for tonight. update again soon :)
and we won't wake up on sunday. . .
went back to sleep for a little while, and then woke up around 11 to go to this estate sale right off cypress and 183. there were a half dozen rooms full of all kinds of assorted things, and it was wonderful. i ended up buying a vintage dooney and burke bag, some clinique cosmetic bags, 7 enamel bangles, a handful of kitchy necklaces, a victorian photo album, a french metal sign for my dorm, and a madonna blonde ambition tour shirt...for a grand total of $14.
drove over to the lake creek alamo drafthouse with sarah, ian, and my mom, and met up with chris and my dad. sarah and my dad went to see express and the rest of us went to see body of lies. it really didnt follow the plot i had expected from the trailer, but it was really good. now i just need to see quarantine and choke...and i'll be a happy camper.
came home, chatted on the computer with some of my good friends, did a couple crosswords, and took a nice bath with what little i have left of ayn rand. i can't put it down once i pick it up...it wasn't until the water ran cold that i finally got out. took a nap, and woke up with a few minutes to spare to meet up with jessica and kaitlin at starbucks.
i feel more at ease with myself now...i think surrounding myself with individuals whose company i actually enjoy makes all the difference in the world. it is pointless to fill this emptiness with meaningless, superficial relationships and friendships that are not fulfilling. jeff and cody have both been really helpful lately...and as jeff poignantly put it - "you're looking at it seriously the wrong way. it's about people who are good enough for you, and that's how you avoid getting hurt." or, as cody put it a bit more bluntly - "you shouldnt hang out with douchebags dear."
drove down to kasbah with kaitlin, listening to jacks and getting each other up to date in one another's lives. we waited for jess and ryan to get there, then claimed the couch on the porch, like always. after a bit, taylor trevino showed up, who i hadnt seen in forever. oh, and then tyler, kevin, and leah showed up and joined us. tyler and leah are both really cool, but it was super awkward seeing kevin...and for him to choose to sit with us. i hadn't seen leah since my first time coming to kasbah with kevin, so it was nice to see her. kyle and austin showed up after a bit, and the one night it was supposed to be a small group, it turned into a big group, yet again. it was busy so kirt didnt really get to say hey. kaitlin approves, not that it makes a difference, but its nice to know my friends like him too.
we had a lot of light-hearted conversation that slowly turned more serious as the night went on. ryan and i rambled about tattoos and shows like always, and i caught up with taylor a little bit. it is both a blessing and a curse to hang out with people you haven't seen in a while - the conversation comes easier, but they also have no idea when they are stepping over the faintly drawn line in the sand. it is simple to ask why i'm not in school...but not as simple when they don't let me write it off as just being sick. so, i talked about the whole cancer thing with taylor, kaitlin, jess, and ryan. thank god kevin and his group had moved to a different place at this point.
after a while tyler, liz, and gary came and sat with us. we talked a lot about astrology, which left kyle even more reserved than usual and completely out of his element, old cars and then tattoos. gary and i chatted about my tattoos for a bit, and thus the cancer conversation happened for the second time in one night. the conversation was a lot easier this time, however, which was a relief. you never know how people will react...except that they will never treat you the same. that is the only constant....no one ever looks at you the same. whether it is unearned reverence for dealing with such a trying experience or uncertainty on how to treat you...it never is the same as it should be. i just want to be normal some day...but i guess i was never destined to be average in every sense of the word.
once kirt got off work, we headed over to kerbey lane. it was extremely loud, and almost impossible to hear one another talk over the underoath blasting in the background and the large group of people nearby, but i had a great time. he seems genuinely interested in my exceedingly mundane life, and we talked a while about books. he even sat through my narnia rant about the last battle and all of its spiritual and metaphysical implications...which was awesome. i only know a handful of people that can listen to me ramble like that and stay engaged, and he is definitely added to those ranks. the conversation flows really well...and i really like this boy. i didnt think i could say that was true on more than a superficial level with anyone...not after everything, but i really mean it. i like this boy...and i havent found any irreconcilable differences, which is a pleasant surprise. he is much more optimistic than i am, which is nice.
we went to grab coffee after that, but i really don't remember the name of the place we went. i spilt my au lait all over the counter trying to pick up my mug, in true brandi form, clumsy like always. i really just love kirt's company. we don't even have to talk about anything, i just enjoy it. we are enough alike that we hit it off, but different enough that we don't seem to be butting heads.
went back to his place and tried to fix itunes, to no avail. settled on windows media player and turned on random stuff to listen to. lots of white stripes. everything was great until an unintentional joke sent me reeling. i guess i had been in a much more precarious situation than i had given myself credit for, and i was not prepared to hear. i felt so ill to my stomach...and it was the worst possible way for him to find out i was sick...through a joke. i felt like such an idiot but i couldn't help it. it just set me off and i couldnt get it together. i finally got my shit together but i was too big of a wreck to even talk about it...to volunteer the information. by this point i think all of his friends, except maybe nic and zoe know more about it than he does. im terrified of it changing things...i dont want something i have no control of to take away the one thing that makes me smile these days. i dont want to lose him...or the way he treats me like a real, normal person to something that i cant change.
the rest of the night was great, and it really isnt empty. my mind doesnt wander and i really just live in the moment. i love it. its about fucking time....maybe im not as broken as i like to think. maybe ill get over being so awkward and get back to being my normal self. i dont know how long im going to be able to balance his schedule and mine....unless i just stop sleeping. i hate that i live so far away, too. i guess if that is the worst thing, then i can live with that. i just cant think about the inevitable...or about the future. lets put that off as long as possible.
monday, i came back and watched tv with my mom. i was supposed to be home in time to pick up my sister from her friends house, but my mom got off work early so it was pointless for me to get up so early. we took zooper to get groomed, and he looks so cute now! his coat looks infinitely better when it is groomed. had short stop for lunch, then went to get my nails done. took a brief nap while i was watching grey's anatomy online, and read for a bit. then i had to go pick sarah up from soccer practice, shoveled down some spaghetti, and went down to meet up with kirt for bowling.
im going to have to finish this later...ive got to go get dressed and such for tonight. update again soon :)
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