we see no shadows

i'm beyond depressed.

i woke up this morning at 8, ready to leave for class. made coffee, got dressed, did my hair, and as i was thinking about sitting in the caf, surrounded by people...even just the thought of food or maybe failing in class, making a silly translation error....i promptly took my vans back off and went back to bed. at least when i sleep i don't consciously think about how bad i'm fucking up my life.

woke back up with time to go to class, but didn't go. more sleep. mindless surfing on the internet, no music - i didn't even care enough to turn anything on. more sleep, then i woke up for lunch. i don't want to eat, the thought of food makes me sick, and i don't want to see people. i don't think i even have the energy to walk across campus to just grab kava and come back...and if i did, i wouldn't be able to stomach the food.

i have so much to do. reading responses that i still haven't turned it, part of a paper, endless translations...i need to start seeing this new doctor. i'm still training at a job i think i'm going to fail miserably at...and i panic every time i go in. i need to plan europe, so that i can apply for my loans and i can book my flight and get things squared away. right now, i would rather not be here and rather not be than actually work out those details. i have a scholarship i still need to apply for, but why put in the effort when i know i won't get it? i'm not extraordinary anymore, and i don't have the will to try.

i am stuck in the middle of a million situations trying to be passive in the affairs of my friends, but i end up getting pulled onto one side or another regardless of how passive i try to be. i try to please everyone, and as a result a end up pleasing no one.

i don't have a camera to go look around and try to capture something beautiful and ephemeral when i can't find the beauty in my own life. i have this large hole in my lip where my ring used to be which is a reminder of this past and this part of me that is gone, trying to heal but still present. my hands are shaking and i can't come down...or, rather, can't find which was is up.

maybe i should just go get coffee. what good is that going to do though? i know exactly what i would want, but the thought of it makes me slightly ill...i don't think i can keep anything down right now. and what if i do keep it down? it will just add countless unneeded calories, which i don't need. i've gained so much weight, my clothes don't fit right, and i'm not comfortable in my own skin...even more uncomfortable than i always am.

i don't see an end, and i don't see the light. i'm not strong, and everyone that tells me that is full of shit. i'm a hopeless mess with no future and a past that is far from respectable, and i don't know that i want to face the idea of a present any longer.