habits

i recently realized i have an addiction. okay, maybe this revelation wasn't all the recent, but it has been slowly edging it's way up into my consciousness. i'm addicted to sound, to noise, to anything that can fill my head and drown out my thoughts. tv on at night, music streaming into my mind, coloring my vision and perception. feet in step with the beat dictating my thoughts and emotions. i can use music to harness my frame of mind. tired? electronic, dance, albums that are older friends than most people. bitter? let's hear about someone else's angst. depressed? power pop. happy? keep the ephemeral elation floating high with orchestration to match. contemplative? let's focus my thoughts on some problem other than my own. i can't have the answer for everything, so why push myself further down into melancholy by putting the weight of the world back behind my eyes.

anything to not face my own thoughts, to not let my mind run in it's usual circles that never quite meet where they should. noise numbs the perpetual desire of my brain to keep working overtime. right now, my heart is still racing thinking about what i've created, what is to come, and i should be napping but it is the last thing that i can consider. all i can consider is what i want, and making it a reality. i want this to work. i'm upset about some of the events of this weekend, but at the end of the day, as my roommate astutely realized, i was much more upset when i thought i had lost you, not him. maybe you are an idea to me, just like i am to you, but it is an idea that i don't want to drown out. i want to say it over and over, through other's words...try to drown out your thoughts with my ability to harness my emotions. maybe that's too personal. maybe i am over estimating the value that my music, the words of others have for me (and hopefully for you) but i want a way to quantify how i feel. something tangible in the meantime. i just want something real.