somehow, in the time between being in my car until i get to my laptop, i lose all desire to write a blog. i'm trying to make myself do this everyday. consider this my threesixtyfive that all the trendy kids are doing on flickr. except, more candid. less editing. completely bare - no lens to capture a moment, just my thoughts.
i love austin. i forget that i have a past here. it is slowly coming back to me...the problems and the history seem like a lifetime ago. somehow, the same anxieties keep resurfacing.
fuck not being 21. everyone treats me like i'm a kid...what can you do? at least people think i'm older...even though i look about ten. a bit of a paradox, i know.
went to see alex tonight. the meg and dia/jonezetta/ danger radio show passed through austin today, and i was able to work the morning and afternoon shift at hot wok, so i was free. sarah and i took our precious time a bit too much, but it was great. i got to see eileen and allie....for the first time in a very long time. it was great. i could totally be a south austin kid...if only i wasn't committed to a job. then i would just move downtown, and just exist. i really think i could thrive there.
the show was at emos...i have so much history there. plus, makes me want to hit up true blue when i pass it. maybe i'll take a picture of my tattoo tomorrow? i think i might get my drop shadow added this weekend and finish up the piece. then moving on to the work i want done on my ribs. fuck. yeah.
i was wrong. i am not as far in as i thought with him. ghosts tend to haunt me, even ones that never even truly manifested themselves to begin with. just little gusts of something behind the veil, prickling anticipation building in every inch of skin - but once you turn to face what causes this elation, there is nothing but the weight in the air of what you cannot reach or really see.
i'm in love with the idea of someone. people pass judgment when a woman marries for a money, a man marries for beauty, a fan marries for celebrity, anyone marries for appearances. but we are all in love with ideas. maybe we put ourselves on a pedestal above these people, or think we are superior, but it is just because we are able to justify to ourselves that our idea is what everyone should commonly aim for. a preconceived notion of society of who would be a fitting mate or spouse or companion. but we are in love with the idea of this is who we should be with. or the idea that we have to find our soul mate. or ourself in someone else. or everything we can't be in our counterpart. these are still ideas. coming down from the "event" i was still in love with the idea of who i could be with him, of who i was in relation to him, and him to me. i am still in love with that idea, which is why i can't let go. why i thought he was the end-all, be-all for me. he succeeded in making me move past him...as he wanted...but he couldn't make me let go of the idea of him. no one can, except for me. even knowing that is what i'm in love with this idea, since i can't truly love someone who does not love me, i don't know that i can let go. but i have let go of him.
and i know- i dont think, i know- that my ideal, my idea, my happiness is not contained within one person and one person alone. he was not the only one who i will ever let in, or who i could ever let in.
i know that this crush, this breath of fresh air that has been lingering near for weeks, still has a place. not necessarily in my heart, but at least here in my mind.
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