envelopes stuffed with feelings found, to write this down as means to reconcile.

we ask to look past life as it goes by.
i know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly. . .
i know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

i can barely type or text since my right hand is barely functioning. trying to track down my uncle to get some pain pills since my knuckle is definitely broken. first broken bone i've ever had. lame :(

i didn't get the invisible children position. i'm going back to millsaps in the fall. i guess i can't run away from my past. i know if i go back i'm not going to move forward in my life. i'm scared. i'm not ready. i wanted this so bad. words can't even describe.

----

the alcohol only smudges the pain around the edges. false pretenses. leading on. unfair. the pain continues to grow, the dullness ebbs and fades but grows larger and more imminent in the back of my mind. uncertainty creeps forward and takes away every hint of reason. someone make it better. i can't make it better. not once, but twice the rejection. inadequacy and failure flit around my thoughts making clarity impossible. this was my answer. this was everything i hoped and dreamed about. i've talked my friends' ears off about this, hope was instilled in me from every angle and again that flicker of promise is taken from my eyes the moment it is clearly in focus. one beacon of better circumstance, making a difference...yes there are other ways, but not ways that mean something to me like this does. this was the last chance, and again i do not live up to the standards of those around me. it is hard enough to fail to live up to my own, but to not be good enough for others is unbearable as well. i need solace, and the only person physically here and willing to be that for me...i don't even want to see. hopefully my panic will subdue in no time...but until then - this throbbing, pulsating pain blinds me and clouds my judgment.