i'm having this memory. . .almost a dream

i’m updating on the road (literally) so i am going to attempt to keep this brief. traffic accidents aren’t exactly at the top of my to-do list at the moment.

the last week has been very trying for me for a number of reasons. i found myself sinking into another one of my bottomless depressions. don't stop reading this entry now though - this is not going to be a lament-filled diatribe. this story actually has a happy ending. with the exception of a few nights during which i voluntarily sequestered myself in my home, book and laptop close at hand, i have been forcing myself to interact socially even through my most desolate of nights. granted, i am not the best companion in these hours filled with dazed looks and too long contemplative pauses, but the fact that i still have people by my side makes a world of difference. i appreciate everyone that has been putting up with me more than you can ever imagine. . .because even if i am not saying a word, just knowing that you still want to have me around even if i am not contributing leaves me beyond grateful. there has been way too much looming over my head to construct some brilliant facade, so i have been left defenseless - but somehow i made it through, yet again.

today, i cannot stop smiling. every little thing is causing the corners of my lips to curl up in gratitude. i am not any happier, but the sharp, harsh edges i tend to see everywhere - one step away from hurting me yet again - they all seemed to be hazy around the edges. maybe i am just dulled to the pain. sometimes you have to find solace just in the fact that the sky is that particular shade of blue today, or because your latte is just right, or simply because you found everything you were looking for at the bookstore. i have lowered my expectations, not in the sense that i am abandoning my standards or aspirations, but in so far that i am content with the insignificant, unexpected details and serendipitous events that riddle my everyday life.

my phone interview with invisible children was yesterday evening. i feel that it went as well as i possibly could have expected - i only blanked once in the hour and twenty minutes that i was on the phone with tiffany. with the random disconnects and reception issues aside, i think everything went remarkably well. it felt so natural, and i feel that there was a rapport because tiffany and myself that had not been established last time. i was brutally honest, and not a thing felt rehearsed, contrived, or empty. all my words were heartfelt, and besides my jittery, fast-paced stream of thought - mostly brought on my my mocha espresso milkshake at roasters - i felt so much better this time. i never lost my train of thought, just simply worried about losing tiffany in my sometimes eccentric ramblings, and i felt so confident coming out of it. i know that i did the best i possibly could, and i hope that is enough to satisfy those making this decision. i truly, without hesitation or doubt, believe that this is what i am meant to be doing at this juncture in my life - but it is out of my hands now. i did my best, what more can you ask for? i find out two weeks from today, so fingers crossed.

after two reschedules this week already, i finally went to my doctor this morning. unfortunately, i had to drive straight from my dermatology appointment at 830 to the hospital, which resulted in too much bureaucracy for one day if you ask me. hospitals never have it quite right. . .i hate having to be there. it looks like everything will turn out okay, and i pray that is the truth. i get a definitive result by monday, and if it is a positive result then i am going to be subjected to little or no treatment for the better part of the next decade. do you realize how much of a weight that would be off of me if i could live the rest of my twenties out with little or no fear? i can only wish i would be that lucky. again, fingers crossed.

on a side note, when i spoke to tiffany, my health came up again. my doctor gave me the seal of approval to be on the road, stress or not, as long as my results are good come monday. tiffany said that if this were the case, it would not be a factor in their decision, but i cannot help but think that it will still be detrimental in my chances of being selected. this is still sitting in the back of my mind, and i hope it doesn't continue to haunt me if i am not selected again.

home is stretched a little thin right now, and i am not sure how much more i can handle. i think my mom doesn't really know what role she is supposed to fill in the house now, and it is wearing on all of us. pardon my french, but she needs to get her shit together. i never thought i would be closer to my dad than to my mom, but that is certainly the case at the moment. i am having dinner with my dad at cool river in dallas before i continue north to denton. goodman county tonight, should be fun. i am so stoked to see jager - it has been ages.

i went to lunch with my mom at jason's deli this afternoon, got my oil changed, and then headed over to the 7-11 on 620 since gas was only $1.91. it only took $17.50 to fill up my tank, which was amazing. i was driving back down volente and it felt like second nature. i couldn't help but think about my days working at the oasis when i knew that road like it was the back of my hand. i won't say that it was a simpler time - but the terms were much easier to tolerate. i wasn't dealing in terms of life or death, work or school resisting the invisible chains i felt that bound me to cedar park. it was by no means something i would like to relive, but in place of the dilemmas that plague my mind now, i would give anything to deal in those terms once more.

work is becoming a burden. i almost walked out the other morning, just because i cannot deal with my boss. he is completely inappropriate all the time and relies on us all too much. i would much rather have a different job for the rest of the year, or no job at all, than to continue dealing with him as it stands.

right now, i am musically frustrated. i went into waterloo the other day, and there are some moments when i feel so overwhelmed by the wealth of music and diversity out there. i don't know a thing about music and i feel so inadequate next to some of these hipsters who are fact-quoting machines. everyone puts up a front, but i feel like mine is paper thin. this is why i feel so lonely in austin - i can never live up to this unbelievable standards for a prolonged period of time.

i am filled with mixed emotions about my remaining time in austin. . .it is slowly coming to a close and i do not know if i am ready to let go. there are too many good things that have blessed my life since i have been back, and the experience of being back at home has been so, so humbling. all i know is that whatever path i continue down in the next few months, an adventure awaits me at every corner.

i officially killed my third real copy of everything in transit today. i have gone through countless burned copies, many of which have been lost to friends i thought needed it more than i did or to the invisible monster that makes different albums disappear every now and again. i don't even want to know how many times i have listened to this cd, but today i am listening to it with an optimism i have not felt in a long, long time.