ultimately, i went to bed around 1 i think, only to get back up at 5. i let myself lay in bed and just meditate on some things and finally got up to finish packing at about 545. got the rest of my stuff together, which also took longer than expected, got situated in the car, and headed up to the new shopping strip at 183A and 1431. the plan was to kill two birds with one stone, get coffee at the relatively new starbucks and breakfast at the chick-fil-a that opened this week right next door. i love love love chick-fil-a's breakfast. especially chicken minis :) but chick-fil-a opened late and i ended up wasting a ton of time.
then, kinda settled in, CDs in the changer and a venti java chip frappucino with three shots in hand, i hit the road. my dad left me his garmin to try and help me out so i wouldn't get lost...but it ended up messing me up more than anything else. i hit 35 and without thinking just followed the GPS. i mean, it is completely normal for me to take 35 south, and it was still an hour until sunrise so i was not exactly in the perfect state of mind for cognitive reasoning (wait - dallas is north...why am i going south?). i was stuck in traffic forever and i had no idea why it was so bad. oh, maybe because i went down the highway for 20 miles in the wrong direction towards downtown...because the GPS was trying to take me down some tiny highways instead of the easy, simplistic 35 to 20 route. screw going through tyler....there is no food, no place to stop, and little towns are littered up and down those back roads where you don't stand a chance of walking away without a speeding ticket if you exceed 40-45 miles per hour. forget that :)
eventually i woke up from my pre-dawn daze and started heading the right direction on 35 (please realize how embarrassing it is for me to admit i made such a stupid mistake...because it is really embarrassing). i listened to kiss fm for a while...i knew i had plenty of time to listen to CDs, bobby bones can be pretty entertaining, and i never listen to the radio - so why the hell not? lunchbox was trying to replicate some stupid magic trick/stunt that someone is attempting in the near future...and it kept me entertained for a while. but the moral of the story is, i really didnt get going on the road (in the right direction) until almost 7...when i had been planning on leaving at 7. i guess thats what happens when im accountable for myself that early in the morning.
in the days leading up to my trip, and talking to everyone about when i leave, how i drive there, and all that jazz, i was reminded about how much i love making the drive...sometimes. if you get on the road at the right time, when you are at the end of your first wind, finally starting to feel the immensity of the drive ahead of you - that is when the sun comes up. and it is a beautiful, inspiring thing. i have never been a morning person, so unless it was an exceptionally long night, the only time i get to see this beautiful phenomena is at the dawn of a day of driving. it is so...refreshing, calming, and it just helps me find my center in some weird, inexplicable way.
however, despite my timing issues on this particular journey, it would have made no difference whatsoever. it was a gloomy and anti climatic sunrise followed only my rain and more overcast skies. when i was loading up the car, it started to rain...and the last trip from my house to the car was a slow motion kind of moment for me. i don't know if that happens for anyone else...but it was just one of those moments when i felt alive. something about the anticipation, the time of day...the feeling of the start of something new, all mixed with the anxiety and the cleansing effect emotionally and physically evoked with each new rain, i really felt.
after giving up on bobby bones around kyle, texas ( i didn't last long at all ) i turned on panic at the disco's pretty. odd. panic's a fever you can't sweat out used to be my "middle of the drive hump" cd to wake me back up from the monotonous louisiana stretch of 20. ironically, if you weren't aware, there was a very fitting lyric considering the mixed emotions about the rain and gloom surrounding me. there are a few lyrics i took note of during the drive, and i'm not going to really explain them...they just stand out.
i'm not complaining that it's raining,
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .
i'm just saying that i'd like it a lot more than you'd think
if the sun would come out and sing with me. . .
the overcast skies were killer - it wasn't one of those all-encompassing black masses of a sky, more of a looming gray with just enough light pouring through to send the most faint, piercing headache to the place right behind your eyes. the kind of day that sunglasses just can't help without putting a dense screen between yourself and the world around you. so what do you do? embrace the headache and try to squint enough to forget it was there to begin with.
i know the world's a broken bone,
but melt your headaches call it home.
but melt your headaches call it home.
i actually really wish i had planned that last bit. about the headaches and the corresponding lyrics. but really, those lyrics were the next note on my memo pad about this blog. and the gloom was second hand to the sun in the last bit about the weather, so it was only fitting that it followed the rain and sun explanation. synchronicity at work my friends...it happens in strange, frightening, and unexpected ways.
if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.
if you have ever been on a ~long drive with me, you have probably encountered my claustrophobia on the road. i get extremely anxious passing eighteen wheelers and other large vehicles, particularly when you are wedged between barricades on either side. my muscles tense up, i tighten my grip on the steering wheel, and hold my breath until i reach the salvation of free space on at least one side of my vehicle. i have had some close calls on the road before, but i think my claustrophobia in the car probably precedes those instances. it is something i can never shake, and probably never will. it is funny the things that make you uncomfortable sometimes...being in the car is the only place in which i fear being that close to anything.
you've never been so divine in accepting your defeat
and i've never been more scared to be alone.
and i've never been more scared to be alone.
i guess i am a hypocrite for liking folkin' around but hating country music. there are always exceptions i suppose.
9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.
9 am rolls around. time for a new CD...and next up is something corporate's leaving through the window. i have been caught up in north for a very long time, and haven't sat and listened to this album all the way through in one sitting for a month or two....which is an eternity in the land of soco and jack's in my realm of existence.
so, pull me under
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed
(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)
i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .
your weather patterns, your cold fronts
and the rain don't matter -
because a sunburn is what i needed
(^one of my all time favorite soco songs...it gets me every time)
i was so close that was the most that i had ever been through,
now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you. . .
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops. . .
something about the uncertainty and hesitation associated with the music stopping just...fits. falter is the perfect word for it. i am intrinsically drawn and connected with music in all facets of my life, and i let myself invest everything in it.
am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.
don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.
next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.
am i lyrics person or a instrumental person? honestly, i think the answer lies with how i feel about myself at the moment. if i am content and can allow myself to step outside of myself and really empathize, instrumental composition rises to the forefront of my mind and my critique and emphasis lies there. but recently, not for the first time but for a long time, i have been more concerned with lyrical connection. i am afraid to say the things i really feel, or even to admit them, and it is easy to hide behind someone else's conception of my own situation, dilemmas, or emotions. i adopt these lyrics, integrate them into my very being, and let them replace my own shortcomings and insecurities. the more worry i feel, the more uncertainty, the more i depend on lyrics to hide behind. it is easy to step into the third person when trying to express yourself.
don't get me wrong, all aspects of music face my scrutiny when decided whether or not i will like or enjoy a band, a song, an album. i don't just turn one off and another on - it is always a play and balance between the two. lyrics are just my dominant choice of expression at the moment. i guess that says a lot about how i think of myself if you really consider it.
next up on the seemingly infinite list of soundtrack possibilities was a CD of assorted the rocket summer songs.
i'm just stuck trying to relive the past. . .will somebody please save me?
i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me
the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me
all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .
i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.
bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.
i wanna feel everything when everything feels wrong with me
the colors my eyes had never seen, well i am seeing them now. . .save me
all the colors that came from you, so this one goes out to the reds and yellows and blues. . .
i'm a terrible mess . . . i'm doing everything for you.
bless your heart,
you've made me happy again
it's been so long and i'm sick of pretending.
i love and adore bryce, but fragments really reach me the same way that all of andrew's work reaches me. i have to step outside of myself to truly appreciate bryce and imagine what it would be like to be truly happy or optimistic, which can be quite invigorating but also trying. it ends up depressing me more thinking about how i could view life...but don't.
i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.
then something corporate's north.
it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.
after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.
i'm driving my brother's CR-V, not my honda, and i have to stop for gas a bit sooner than i would have otherwise. gas in terrell....then the car starts feeling a bit weird. i thought, hey, maybe its the road - i don't know. i pull over on 20, check the tires, and lo and behold - the front left tire is low. i slowly drive to the next exit, hoping it is just low air and not a leak or flat. i make it to a little auto shop in canton, texas, and i can't help but make a mental comparison between canton, mississippi and my current location. about the same to be quite honest. the guy couldn't find the leak, but agreed that all the tire(s) were low and fixed me up.
then something corporate's north.
the blood that's boiling in my veins and the food i can't keep down
it is ironic that i connect with this line. i used to hate miss america, and now it is tattooed on my body. i appreciate it more and more with every listen. i tried to get something to eat for lunch but ended up settling for a granola bar because i really have a love/hate relationship with eating right now. it doesn't matter what i'm eating...or if i can get past the nauseating idea of eating i face all the time now, there is a sickening feeling with every bite i eat. if i didn't have the will to make myself eat, i could definitely imagine how people become anorexic if they felt like this. everything makes me sick to my stomach now...no matter how good it sounds in theory, how it smells, how it tastes. even working at hot wok i will smell something that is absolutely amazing, then i think about actually eating it and i have to force myself to find the appetite to manage.
after north was we the kings' self-titled. i guess this is my new a fever you can't sweat out.
it'd be so easy to lose myself to you.
after we the kings, was jack's mannequin the glass passenger.
the freeway is just like veins without a heart.
every road has a beginning and an end...but it is not always clear where it will take you. physically, maybe you can deduce the result from exit to exit, traffic light to stop sign, but there is no telling what waits for you at the end of each venture. there is no personal consideration, no compassion from the road beneath your feet, your tires as to what awaits you at your destination. it is impersonal, a means to an end without any real reason except to transport you from one place in your life to the next.
around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.
around 2 pm, i stopped for coffee and listened to the deluxe edition of the across the universe soundtrack. the beatles break my heart in the best possible way.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
They slither while they pass ,they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
. . . Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
long story short, i almost ran out of gas. i used the garmin to try and find the closest gas station and it took me way off the highway...to a place that didn't exist. so between me not knowing the mileage of my brother's car and not knowing how long it was going to be until i found a real gas station, not a fictitious building in the middle of arcadia, louisiana. i found one after over 30 miles with the low fuel light on....for four dollars a gallon. AWESOME. oh well, then i made it to another gas station after only putting in a couple gallons at the last station, and filled up. yet again, i was substantially set back in terms of my arrival time.
then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.
so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.
well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.
we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.
then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.
i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.
katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.
i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.
now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)
oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.
then after much debate and discussion, a ton of text messages and phone calls, i was finally almost to mississippi. i wasn't going to get in until most everyone had to be at chapter, which was unfortunate. i got in at 530, when i had been planning on 1. i guess that's what happens. i listened to the glass passenger again, with a different frame of mind, to try and calm myself and ease my frustration. it worked pretty damn well.
so, i listened to caves twice in the car. and i swear, the only two times i saw sunshine through the clouds, with the exception of arriving in jackson to pleasant weather, were when i was listening to caves. the first time, in the second movement, the second time, in the third movement. the timing could not have been better. i still get goosebumps with every listen, and it moves me so much it almost makes me sick to feel that much.
well, i'm finally in jackson. it is dinner time....so i hit up haru with catherine and her boyfriend alex. i was only kinda in the mood for sushi, so i got a crunchy roll, which i only ate a part of. sam called as we were waiting for our checks, out of practice and wanting to grab food, so we met up and went to pizza shack. nick and dylan were there with a bunch of other people - fowler, steve, and then ahmed showed up after a bit. something about this particular situation (i also saw a group of SAEs, drew, liz, and andy) made me really uncomfortable. comments like "so you don't even go to millsaps anymore huh?" made me feel extremely awkward, and all the prying questions about why i left and what i am doing now made me feel even more weird about the situation. it is different talking about that kind of thing with friends versus acquaintances.
we were both really tired...and lethargic for no apparent reason...so we went to starbucks for some coffee. and cody was there! i love that boy. i was hoping i would get to see him, and i did. we sat and smoked out front, chatted about life in general terms, touring, shows, books, and ink for a bit. then morgan stopped by and we learned that cody is going through a trying personal time at the moment. it breaks my heart to see him that sad. i know i already said it, but i'll say it again - i love that boy, and it hurts me to see him hurt like that. he had to go back to work, and we headed out, but i will finally get to see one of his shows, no excuses :) i'm excited about that.
then we headed back to her room so she could do some homework, and by the time we got there i had completely lost track of time. katie had just finished up with sorority stuff and i needed to get changed for the lambda chi wine and cheese party. i didnt really come prepared for a nicer occasion, but it was fun. it was really strange walking into the chapter room, everyone seated on couches along the walls and taking everyone in at once. it wasn't one of those inconspicuous kind of moments when you can walk through the crowd unnoticed by the people you are able to avoid - it is more of exposing yourself to everyone's scrutiny. i awkwardly chatted for a few minutes and everyone was extremely welcoming, but my anxiety reached it's peak. i stepped out for a cigarette and called kevin...i was just extremely upset. it is really hard for me to interact with people, and i was hesitant about seeing this many people at once after so long....particularly the people who i'm not close with or who were never told i was leaving or why i was leaving...but it ended up being a ton of fun. i saw so many people, i can't even list it. the night picked up and i had a great time. it was so so so good to see people once i got over my irrational fear of them.
i met some people who are going to austin city limits, so i offered to take them out for hookah and dinner and such when they get in town - i'm excited! plus, i met the guy who is going to be doing some DJing...and who is really into justice, daft punk, and ratatat :) yay.
katie and jp went for food, rachel went to talk to bjorn i think, and i ended up calling susan to see what she was up to. she was at SAE and came down to meet me on the porch. as i was walking up from the parking lot she was coming out the front door and ran to me :) it made me so happy to see her, i forgot how much i miss being around this girl. we went up to gregs and smoked some hookah and caught up on life. we talked about birmingham, my summer, my life right now, our friends, things happening at school....and did i say everything about birmingham. it was hard for me to talk about it in the detail i did - but i think that this is the most in depth i have to talked to anyone about it....so far. i also got to see kath for a few minutes, which was wonderful.
i left around 1 because i was tired as hell, and headed back to new south. i slept like a baby, and then woke up around 11. finally got my ass out of bed, went to lunch with phoebe and rachel at sal and mookie's, and then came back here. which brings me up to the present.
now that i'm no longer locked out of the other half of the suite, i'm going to go shower and change and such. and my phone is about to die, so i cant keep talking to kevin. and heaven forbid that were to happen :)
oh, one parting note. i was inspired by rachel and phoebe's conversation in the car on the way back to campus, and i think i'm going to start a hierarchy of terrible/wonderful things depending on the day and on my mood.
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