when i woke up, i was definitely not one hundred percent. could i see straight? yes. could i walk straight? no. was driving potentially a bad idea? definite possibility. it happened any way. grabbed some coffee, breakfast, and gas out in clinton and tried to start my drive with the best possible attitude. my barista at starbucks looked really familiar too, it was strange. random, i know. coffee is my vice of choice. smoking comes and goes. i realize i have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. but coffee is always there. when im down, what do i turn to? a nice cup of coffee. when i need something to do? go to a coffee shop. getting up early? coffee. staying up late? more coffee. going to work? you guessed it, coffee. my life revolves around coffee - it is my necessity, and is also my economic indicator of choice. i could judge everything based on my frappucino, tea, or lattes.
i played a lot of the same cds i listened to on the way over - 1, because it was easier than changing them all out and 2, because they would help keep me awake. i don't remember what i started with, but up second was something corporate's leaving through the window. much more energy-inspiring than north, and the sun came up in perfect harmony with i woke up in a car. between tracks 2 and 4 i finally felt sobered up and i really opened by eyes to see the day for the first time. would you believe me if i said i crossed the louisiana border with the beginning of the track? synchronicity at work folks. wish i could make it up...but i really woke up in my car, did not trace away the fog, but saw the mississippi on her knees. sometimes i feel like i stage this kind of thing...but i don't. i swear...as unreal as it seems.
time for more coffee...only a few hours in. i stopped in shreveport, and walked in a stupor into a starbucks. i ordered a frappucino and started going into my whole light whip, non fat milk, no classic syrup spiel...only to be greeted with great confusion. i forget that they don't do the whole create-your-own frappucino everywhere. thank god for that. i love the old frappucinos with good old frapp-base the best.
funny note: spell check annoys me... and i hate when words are underlined. what does the blogger.com dictionary suggest in place of frappucino? cappuccino, cappuccinos, and hallucinogen. no joke.
there is fog hanging in the air for most of the morning, and there is something so suggestive about the nature of fog. it is so modest, yet revealing. it is like nature is hesitant to face the world, to show you itself in all it's beauty, so it gives the air of being uninviting. however, it is impossible to not be one with the earth in moments like these. it just takes a bit of extra care, some focus through the haze, and a bit of a closer examination to realize what hides behind this veil, this sculptural suggestion of something insubstantial.
side note. sam told me last night that frances lucas, the president of millsaps college, was among a number of noted university officials to publicly support and campaign for lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. sorry that it is out of order, it came back to me from my own self-induced haze mid-morning. i have a lot more respect for her - not because i wish i could legally drink earlier, but the fact that she had the tenacity to stand up for something that she would be faced with such scrutiny over. you go franny lou.
the nicotine and espresso running through my veins are the only things that keep me going. maybe it is all in my head...but sometimes i can only find solace in their comforting embrace surging through my bloodstream, vein to vein, artery to artery, bringing me one step closer to a death i both desire and despair. simple as that.
there is something appealing about distancing myself...physically. but emotionally? why am i doing it? i like to think that i'm not distancing my self intentionally, but it is happeing. it is not vindicative, or manipulative, or self-loathing, but there is something driving my desire to not allow anyone into my life. maybe it will get better with time.
what is it about 3 against 2? i'm talking rhythmically of course. i do not know what it is, but something about the struggle - but the perfect alignment right a moment too late, once you are already off kilter, the slight lilt and driving nature of it all. the imperfection draws me in, with a simply rhythmical device you can find almost anywhere. it is not easy to play off beat, while perfectly in life with someone or something moving a slightly different pace. we all match up sometime though. maybe that is part of the appeal.
my heart was all but slowing down. . .it was my personal symphony.
my condolences go out to dj am, travis barker, and all of those killed and affected by the crash. i was late finding out about this, it wasn't until i got back to austin on sunday, but my heart goes out to all of you - truly and sincerely.
come on, pick me up -
somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. . .
i can hear the sound, of your voice
still ringing in my ear
i need you here tonight
just like the ocean needs the waves
. . .oh the night
becomes the space that's somewhere in between
what i feel and what i'm told.
and the music's much too loud
to hear this alarm sound.
too loud, will you cover me?
but the emptiness i've found,
can't keep me on the ground.
the ground, can you cover me? hey,
what's the point in trying to get away?
the neverending search to find your escape.
it's gonna leave you cold.
everything is better,
and everything is right.
ithink that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
so take it all the way. whoa, whoa -
and our hearts are on the everglow.
so just let go and fall into it. . .
every action makes a reaction.
we'll figure it out and make it happen.
and just because i'm sure no one is going to go looking through my old blogs for updates, here are a couple of pictures. the first is from outside hot wok some time last week, and the other two are taken from under i35 after i parked and was walking toward true blue.somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. . .
i can hear the sound, of your voice
still ringing in my ear
i need you here tonight
just like the ocean needs the waves
. . .oh the night
becomes the space that's somewhere in between
what i feel and what i'm told.
and the music's much too loud
to hear this alarm sound.
too loud, will you cover me?
but the emptiness i've found,
can't keep me on the ground.
the ground, can you cover me? hey,
what's the point in trying to get away?
the neverending search to find your escape.
it's gonna leave you cold.
everything is better,
and everything is right.
ithink that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
so take it all the way. whoa, whoa -
and our hearts are on the everglow.
so just let go and fall into it. . .
every action makes a reaction.
we'll figure it out and make it happen.
i feel myself constantly being faced with the seemingly simple question - "how are you?" and i just find myself lying in order to elicit a response. the question is never about the person who is being asked, it is always about opening the door and allowing yourself, or the individual asking, to speak about yourself/themselves. we all just want to hear ourselves, feel justified by others, and have others pay attention. okay, maybe we aren't all that way, but sometimes it feels as if there is no point in troubling myself over the answer -should i lie? should i not? - because it is never really about me.
such a charming, beautiful exterior
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
this is one time, this is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
or anyone at all...or anyone at all
and the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places that you've come to fear the most
buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
and hidden in the public eye
love, its the wave i ride,
that won't ever reach the shore.
overwhelmed by the tideand wanting nothing more, tonight.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide.
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
hope, its the light that strikes,
that burns inside of me.
its a blinding light, but somehow i can see, again.
when i've lost my way.
its becoming very clear.
and its coming around again.
somewhere between the darkest and the light. . .
my spirit takes to fly.
the colors fill the sky,
and i am free, oh ohh.
that won't ever reach the shore.
overwhelmed by the tideand wanting nothing more, tonight.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide.
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
hope, its the light that strikes,
that burns inside of me.
its a blinding light, but somehow i can see, again.
when i've lost my way.
its becoming very clear.
and its coming around again.
somewhere between the darkest and the light. . .
my spirit takes to fly.
the colors fill the sky,
and i am free, oh ohh.
Wasted time.
I cannot say that I was ready for this.
But when worlds collide,
and all that I have is all that I want.
The words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
And all that I have is yours.
All that I am is yours. Ohh...
Painted skies.
I've seen so many that cannot compare
to your ocean eyes.
I cannot say that I was ready for this.
But when worlds collide,
and all that I have is all that I want.
The words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
And all that I have is yours.
All that I am is yours. Ohh...
Painted skies.
I've seen so many that cannot compare
to your ocean eyes.
then to keep myself awake, after holding myself together through the everglow, i switched to mixed tapes. here are some excerpts -
then it was on to some great sing along music - dashboard confessional. don't judge.
for all the world we did not see,
and all the smiles you gave to me
they're so contagious - so very fake
love is not some victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
a million eyes all crying please-
please don't forget about me
yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right
hey, hey now we're almost home.
i miss you to death,
but its all for the best, i know
. . . our time is almost here.
once i rose above the noise and confusion
just to get a glimpse behind this illusion
i was soaring ever higher, but i flew too high
though my eyes could see i still was a blind man
though my mind could think i still was a mad man
i hear the voices when i'm dreamin', i can hear them say. . .
on a stormy sea of moving emotion
tossed about i'm like a ship on the ocean
i set a course for winds of fortune, but i hear the voices say
and all the smiles you gave to me
they're so contagious - so very fake
love is not some victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
a million eyes all crying please-
please don't forget about me
yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right
hey, hey now we're almost home.
i miss you to death,
but its all for the best, i know
. . . our time is almost here.
once i rose above the noise and confusion
just to get a glimpse behind this illusion
i was soaring ever higher, but i flew too high
though my eyes could see i still was a blind man
though my mind could think i still was a mad man
i hear the voices when i'm dreamin', i can hear them say. . .
on a stormy sea of moving emotion
tossed about i'm like a ship on the ocean
i set a course for winds of fortune, but i hear the voices say
then it was on to some great sing along music - dashboard confessional. don't judge.
the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
this is incredible, starving, insatiable
the pictures of anything other than it's meant to be.
but the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
don't be concerned, you know i'll be fine on my own.
i never said "don't go".
in the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.
this purchased rebellion has been outbidded,
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless, championless, championless
i begged you not to go. i begged you, I pleaded.
claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.
which of the bold-faced lies will we use?
but this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses
and it's crude,
but it will do.
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
this is incredible, starving, insatiable
the pictures of anything other than it's meant to be.
but the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
don't be concerned, you know i'll be fine on my own.
i never said "don't go".
in the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.
this purchased rebellion has been outbidded,
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless, championless, championless
i begged you not to go. i begged you, I pleaded.
claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.
which of the bold-faced lies will we use?
but this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses
and it's crude,
but it will do.
such a charming, beautiful exterior
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
this is one time, this is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
or anyone at all...or anyone at all
and the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places that you've come to fear the most
buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
and hidden in the public eye
then, last but not least - i listened to this is me smiling's self-titled album. and the last of my lyrical quotations...sorry for not writing lengthy expositions on the meaning of the lyrics...it really was more about someone else finding the words rather than utilizing that liminal time this drive around. not as many groundbreaking, earth shattering breakthroughs.
crossing a fine line,
between you and me,
mixin' up adjectives,
like jealous and sweet,
taking up all your time,
for my security
i'm lookin' down on all the folks below.
six billion little freckles,
with freckles of their own,
it's colder here than i have ever known. . .
i'll make it through,
the moments without you,
i've chosen exile for the view
and i won't come down 'til sunday. . .
but on my way down,
i'm gonna paint all the towns,
and if i miss a few spots,
i'll simply turn back around.
on my way down,
i'm gonna crank up the sound,
i'm gonna party like the devil,
until I reach sea level.
Found a better way to fall in love,
another use for those prescription drugs,
enough sleep to cure every ailment,
to wake up and the city is silent. . .
everyday i wanna wake and see the sunrise,
every night i wanna fall asleep in your eyes,
never ever ever wanted to regress,
ask me nice and answer will be yes.
The story gets better,
embellished or plucked from the page,
the facts never matter,
and nor does the face that gets saved. . .
Comfortable sleep in sheets and blankets,
spinning the earth in my eyes,
slipping it up in all directions now,
i'm going in to find you, inside the mind you,
convinced yourself you'd beaten for good,
trouble shot your conscience,
rekeyed your instincts,
your memory holds on,
thinks that it should
i need sleep,
i need it so bad,
i'm standing on the tracks and i'm missing the train,
sleep, take me into your world. . .
And i'm so excited, so excited,
to forget the reasons why I need you here,
i'm so excited, so excited,
to turn this hazy debut black and clear.
between you and me,
mixin' up adjectives,
like jealous and sweet,
taking up all your time,
for my security
i'm lookin' down on all the folks below.
six billion little freckles,
with freckles of their own,
it's colder here than i have ever known. . .
i'll make it through,
the moments without you,
i've chosen exile for the view
and i won't come down 'til sunday. . .
but on my way down,
i'm gonna paint all the towns,
and if i miss a few spots,
i'll simply turn back around.
on my way down,
i'm gonna crank up the sound,
i'm gonna party like the devil,
until I reach sea level.
Found a better way to fall in love,
another use for those prescription drugs,
enough sleep to cure every ailment,
to wake up and the city is silent. . .
everyday i wanna wake and see the sunrise,
every night i wanna fall asleep in your eyes,
never ever ever wanted to regress,
ask me nice and answer will be yes.
The story gets better,
embellished or plucked from the page,
the facts never matter,
and nor does the face that gets saved. . .
Comfortable sleep in sheets and blankets,
spinning the earth in my eyes,
slipping it up in all directions now,
i'm going in to find you, inside the mind you,
convinced yourself you'd beaten for good,
trouble shot your conscience,
rekeyed your instincts,
your memory holds on,
thinks that it should
i need sleep,
i need it so bad,
i'm standing on the tracks and i'm missing the train,
sleep, take me into your world. . .
And i'm so excited, so excited,
to forget the reasons why I need you here,
i'm so excited, so excited,
to turn this hazy debut black and clear.
got back in a solid 10 hours, including stopping for hair dye, looking at purses at target, seeing kevin at randalls, and then going home. and i actually stopped for meals - go figure. still less time than on the way to jackson. it felt like a hell of a lot longer though, i will tell you that much.
got to my house, the whole family (minus chris) was in the living room about to start the new episode of supernatural. i got a killer ant bite on my foot, so i took some benedryl and laid down on the couch to watch the new episode with them. supernatural is one of those shows i love, but hate that i love. dean and sam...oh how i love you. had a late birthday dinner with my dad at texas roadhouse, still swimming in the haze of antihistamine, and went home. fell asleep, but instead of hanging out with kevin like i planned, nothing happened. it was a crazy day though - i can't believe i made the whole drive without falling asleep.
got to my house, the whole family (minus chris) was in the living room about to start the new episode of supernatural. i got a killer ant bite on my foot, so i took some benedryl and laid down on the couch to watch the new episode with them. supernatural is one of those shows i love, but hate that i love. dean and sam...oh how i love you. had a late birthday dinner with my dad at texas roadhouse, still swimming in the haze of antihistamine, and went home. fell asleep, but instead of hanging out with kevin like i planned, nothing happened. it was a crazy day though - i can't believe i made the whole drive without falling asleep.
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