i tried to start 2009 off better than 2008. there were way too many horrible things weighing on my chest that i really had to step away. writing them down is very cathartic, or at least trying to come to terms with them. i realized that the greatest fault was my own, and that letting this anxiety build was only compounding itself further and further.
right now, my life lacks continuity. i'm too afraid, or too disinterested, to really follow through with anything. i have options, i always do...but i don't feel like my life affords me the same opportunities. it is speckled with all of these strange, absurd, surreal experiences, but nothing that really makes it cohesive. it is this lack of continuity...this absence of cohesiveness...that really causes me to sink further. i want something to hold it together - im too scattered to ever do it myself - and i want a companion or a purpose to push me from one moment into the next. thats all i need...a companion. there are all these arcane, useless expectations on relationships and i really don't want or need any of them. all i want is someone i am interested in, who is equally interested in me - not more or less so- who can be there by my side. that can experience things with me and understand the beauty i see in certain moments, whether or not they find them to be as beautiful.
this understanding of transience is so important to me...and i know there are other people out there who agree - i have met them. now all i need is for one of them to be on a journey (which they tend to be on, which i consider myself to be on) that can coincide with my own, or one that wont lead them away from me. ive tried to establish a relationship with people i wasnt invested in...and it just doesnt work. it is so ironic that nick just called me in the middle of typing this out...your intentions are great, but i just don't like you the same way you like me. i can't like you that way...you could never fill this role for me. tom, on the other hand, would be a perfect companion, but he is somewhere near tulum today, and who knows where he will be tomorrow, a week, a month, a year. it is great that he doesnt have to worry about that kind of thing, and i wish i had that kind of carelessness....but i don't. i need some kind of underlying structure to my madness, or else it all falls apart in vain.
i was walking back from lunch and i ran into phoebe. we talked about mgmt, bonnaroo, memphis in may, the avett brothers at sxsw...the typical musical common ground we share. it is so silly (and now this sounds vain for me to relay what she said...but it is important to the story) but she said that she was "jealous of me" and that i had such a "cool life." far from it. my response is always something like "i wouldn't wish my life on anyone..." but people don't understand. yes, i saw the avett brothers...but i stood alone by myself, waiting for their set...building up the nerve to even get out of bed and face the day myself. yes, i talk to andrew. but that doesn't mean he can ever be a shoulder for me to cry on. yes, i am going to bonnaroo with my best friend, but that means that i will have to spend countless nights at work, anxious as hell about how customers and my coworkers will view me. yes, i know of people who work at memphis in may and who organize it...but no, that doesn't mean that i would ever want to be in their shoes or even want to talk to them right now, or establish those connections.
these stories or great, but they don't replace the fact that i live an empty life, mostly alone, horribly miserable. just because i enjoy these things for a moment or people envy the experience...that doesn't make it worthwhile. all i want is to not be alone, or to have someone to share this with. to sit on my bed next to me and watch tv with me while we read. someone that can span the distance between who i am and who i want to be...and be there with me. not permanently, not long term...but someone to be that for me.
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it is storming outside now. all i want is to be in the arms of someone else at a moment like this.
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updates on south by southwest, coming soon.
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