clean gone

i haven't really been inspired to write in a while. maybe it is all of the energy i put into academic writing these days, but as i finally have time to read outside of the classroom, i'm slowly feeling more inclined to write outside of academia as well. i picked up a book which had been collecting dust on the shelf, so to speak, for quite some time now - a book that i started in a half-hearted attempt a couple of years ago, put aside, lost a copy, bought a replacement and still never got around to reading. it took a friend coming into my depressing little dorm room (yes, i'm 23 and still live in a dorm. let's not talk about it, okay? i think my age is the depressing element in the equation) and saw it on my shelf - a 1966 edition of C.S. Lewis' Till We Have Faces.

i can't even begin to talk about how much this book moved me once i sat down and gave it the time it deserved. i'm going to write about this book; professionally, i mean. or as close as professionally as an undergraduate can get. academically maybe, but it is a bit more than that. there is no grade riding on this, no deadline, just my own personal motivation to do it right. clive staples is one of the few writers i know who just gets it, who sees the world the way that i see it. okay, for all of you out there who just associate him with narnia, feel free to check out right now. granted, The Last Battle means a whole hell of a lot to me, the authorial voice really comes out in his philosophical works and in the Perelandra series. until this book, the closest i ever felt to C.S. Lewis was probably in The Problem of Pain (you can read more about that here). there is something about him and i can't articulate it (at least not yet), which oddly enough, brings me to my point.

the complaint was the answer. to have heard myself making it was to be answered. lightly men talk of saying what they mean. often when he was teaching me to write in greek the fox would say, "child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words." a glib saying. when the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. till that world can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? how can they meet us face to face till we have faces?

outline of a semester

so, for those of you who have just reentered my life, or vice versa, or who are new all together, i sat and outlined a rough outline of my life since i was last at millsaps at the end of may 2008.

at the end of the semester, i went back to austin for about a week or so to spend some time with my family before i left for greece and to travel shop and such.

then austin, back to jackson, jackson to atlanta, and atlanta to athens. i was in greece for a little over two weeks, then back to jackson.

i then moved to memphis for the summer.

about a week after moving in, i went back to jackson for jubilee jam, stayed for a week, then went back to memphis. this brings us up to the second week of june.

then, after about three or four weeks in memphis, i made the texas/warped tour circuit. memphis to austin, austin to dallas to donate blood, back to austin, then back to dallas for the show. then the fourth of july in austin, the fifth in selma, and the sixth in houston, all three texas warped dates working for invisible children.

then, i went to memphis, stayed for a while, my mom came and visited, then memphis to mobile.

mobile to birmingham, where i was for about a week.

then birmingham to jackson, back to memphis, back to jackson, then back to austin, completely moved out of my various locations. this brings us up to about a week before fall semester began.

i was in austin for a little while, visited jackson one of the first weekends of school or so, went to austin city limits, and spent more time here than i had in a very long time.

then, i went to san antonio twice in october, once with kevin to see this providence and once with my brother, chris, to go to that silly comedy show that lasted an eternity.

next, i went to dallas with sam to see jack's mannequin, then back to austin for the same show the next day with my little sister, sarah.

then, austin to new orleans, voodoo fest the next day, then jackson, then back to austin.

pretty long period in austin, then a short trip to denton to see jager, cody, and jamey, then back home.

st. louis for a week, then home to pack, then back to jackson.

which brings me up to two weeks ago, and my present location. i feel like i am missing pieces still, but those are the only trips i remember.

the air drowsy

i got this great, old book of irish folk tales for christmas. here are some fun parts i truly enjoyed.

for some it lies no farther than the bend of the road; and there are others who much retrace their steps to glimpse it with longing through a weariness of years.

the closed flowers nod on slender stems, dew-wet and languid in the green gloom. . .deep and harmonious

. . .there was a magic in his music. lilting over the hills would sound the silver clamour of his reeds, and all the birds of the air would know to answer him.

he had walked sightless all his days, so music was his life and all of beauty in the sounds that came to him.

but sure there is always the music and a power to be dreaming!

where the long sun rays felling slanting

held fast in a spell of wonder

the morrow's still another day - and maybe the slower the you travel the more you'll be seeing.

shining through the darkness like a tethered star.

the chasm that yawned before him

knocked out his clay pipe on the door-post, finding the comfort gone from it.

the deep pools hold the shadow of flying cloud

their length of days; knowing a lost loveliness
when stars are strung and moonbeam drench the hill.

the old happiness and tranquility seemed as a dream in the ever-present reality of their distress

it chanced on a day when her trouble seemed sorest

thinking to busy her hands and ease the sad burden of her thoughts

but better than the fairy dowry she brought to him was the golden worth and treasure of her own true heart.

but for all her dejection there lingered a trace of gallantry

and may you hear my music in your heart when your strength gives out on you

and there was no laughter in him now, nor joy in simple things.

and only the magic of love, dear, can ever turn the key.

thursday december eleventh

it is supposed to be a pretty mild day, so i decide to head to the zoo, as per jeff's suggestion. it turned out to be the perfect day to go. no one was there, it was just cold enough to still be tolerable to a wimpy texan like myself, and just warm enough for a good number of animals to be out. i about had a heart attack driving there though, which was no good. besides all of the crazy drivers and my rental car manuevering like a tank, i had put some diet dr peppers in the fridge for the week, and apparently the person who had last occupied my room had set the fridge to maximum cold....so the sodas froze. i opened it in the car, and it continued to fizz and bubble and ultimately explode. awesome. for some reason, my mind was truly hazy as i was driving around and everything felt kind of distant.

i got some good shots, which is what i was hoping for...i also saw a lion in a tree, which kind of made it worth it. again with the surreal thing. i parked a bit away from the zoo, so i got a nice walk in while i was there. it was really beautiful, and nice to just walk around with the cold air filling my lungs. the landscape was pretty as well, which helped.





i left the zoo around 2:30 or 3 and went in search of lunch. i ended up downtown near a hospital with a lot of one way streets and impatient drivers. i gave up on stopping for food when i saw this beautiful church over the tops of some houses i was passing by as i circled around the block. i decided, fuck it, i'm going to go check out this cool church. it turned out to be the cathedral basicilia of st. louis, which was on my list of things to see. it was really beautiful, and there was a neat statue, the angel of harmony, in a small garden right next to it. the sun made for some hindering shadows and then overpowering glares as i walked around the building, but it was still beautiful. it is really simplistic considering it is catholic and fairly modern, but still interesting architecturally. i was really hoping for more stained glass and sculptural/relief depiction, but alas, i was greeted with the more surprising, and dominant, islamic overtones with primarily domed roofs, reiterated by the almost complete lack of iconography.


i decided to pass on lunch, and headed over to the st. louis university museum of art before it closed at 4.


i missed art museums. i am very glad that i got to ease myself back into galleries with these smaller collections as opposed to jumping straight into the st louis art museum (slam). not as many big names, but the galleries were really well-thought out and many of the pieces were very interesting. my time there was somewhat rushed, but i was eager to get back to the hotel and out for dinner. a beautiful sunset kept me company on the drive back.


jeff and i went to blueberry hill for dinner, which was cute and quirky - i liked it. then jeff went back and i walked up and down the loop people-watching and taking photos. i had an hour and a half to kill until my movie, so i sat and starbucks and wrote for a bit, kind of observing those around me, then walked around for a bit more. the two tall statues near the city hall always remind me of the neverending story for some reason that i can't shake. i'll try to find pictures later.

i love holiday times when everything is so cheery and bright. no, not bright...but cheery, in a dull inviting way. just enough to be encouraging. muted reds, yellows and blues litter every block and somehow they bring an easy comfort.


i went to the tivoli to see milk, which i was very excited about. blue moon in hand, a half-empty theater from days long gone and a great movie. i am not one to cry at movies, but this movie brought me to tears again and again. i left heartbroken but so happy at the same time. as if this transient life was to be embraced as fleeting, but we all still stood a chance despite this hindrance. it was a great feeling - not a top of the mountain moment, but climbing a summount with an indeterminent incline and reaching that moment when the peak is just beyond the horizon. my first full day in st. louis, and i felt fantastic.

colors

colors, originally uploaded by some idealistic future.

this is one of my favorite shots, ever. they look like little hole-punch cut-outs. i love it.

crackling

crackling, originally uploaded by some idealistic future.

i wanna wish you a merry christmas