Hamburg, Germany
so, today is yet another travel day. okay, i really haven't even travelled that much...i've only used two of my travel days on my eurail pass. i kind of feel like i need to play catch up now. yesterday was really hard...i really wanted to leave copenhagen, and the last few days have really allowed my mind to catch up with me, which is always a dangerous thing. after i left the cafe, i got coffee in the square at the end of strøget, which had my heart racing a little too fast by the time i was done. it's funny how your body can feel like it is moving so fast, like it is going to hit a brick wall at terminal velocity, while in actuality i am just sitting still on a bench in the sun, watching the people and pidgeons stream by at all of their various paces, nothing in tandem...just as my body is contradicting my mind and my pulse. i walked back to christianhavn, grabbed a huge (yet cheap) tomato øst and dressing sandwich from a small little side street, then went back to christiania, where this time i actually bought the bracelet i was looking for! i went back to nemoland, but the crowd was much older and slower since it was, after all, a sunday. i say down next to a couple of danes, but they weren't nearly as personable as renee and anas had been the day before. my dad called me as i was walking around, only to break the bad news about nanny. we talked about my books and loans for school, as well as the arrangements with john in berlin since he would be picking me up from the train station. as i hung up i was met with a short little stri lankan man, mike, who 'really wanted to take me out for a drink.' i couldn't really shake him though i was clearly trying to outpace him during the walk back to strøget, but i ultimately gave in and stopped with him at a very open and very public bar in front of the stork fountain. he was really offended when i insisted that he switch pints with me since he ordered up at the bar without me, but i'm glad i did it - better safe than sorry. he was really annoying, ignorant, and had very poor english, so i excused myself as politely as possible, only to find myself in the beginnings of a thunderstorm. found the hovedbibliothek, but it was closed since it was sunday, so i tried to find a use-it that was in my guidebook so that i could check my internet and blow time...but it was nowhere to be found. at that point, i only had about two hours until i was supposed to meet mathilde at the apartment, so i went back ot the station, and then headed back to valby. i watched the 2009 mtv movie awards on vh1, of all places, then took a nap, a shower, watched part of an RFK conspiracy documentary, and an episode of gossip girl, and then Mathilde finally made it back.
chat and cigarettes later, we started watching an old American movie, The Only One, from 1994, that happened to be starting while we were channel surfing. it was really good, but really depressing, and i had an utter breakdown. mathilde was crying about philip and i was crying about nanny, about being alone, about all boys, leigh, my inadequacy, the dread c word (hint, six letters not four). i don't stand a chance. i'm never going to be old, and i'm always going to be alone. i am nothing but a novelty that in some way resembles something more than average, but that never really amounts to anything. i had been running away from myself, hiding behind a mask of bars and happy hours, clubs and pub crawls, dresses and scarves, cafes and nicotine. a day of being idle in copenhagen, however, made it all come tumbling down. mathilde and i laid in bed trying to laugh and comfort through the tears, and eventually the endless mechanic hum of passing cars, and all the inevitable, undeniable motion and continuity of the world around me finally lulled me back into passivity, though my poor heart needed a bit more convincing. i woke in better spirits, or at least in denial. i know it should comfort me to know that i'm not alone in feeling this way, and that i should be grateful, one, that i picked myself back up for the time being, and two, i had mathilde there with me...but even my subconscious wasn't buying into it in my dreams. i can't help but feel like this is some kind of competition, that i should weigh my feelings and experiences against mathilde's own suffering, but i can't seem to establish the criterion, past and present factors, sliding scales and variables. at least she has had real love, or has a boy that cares enough to mistreat her. what kind of person am i for even thinking about these kinds of things? i know that i like to get at what is, what something means, what is going on behind - how it connects, compares, matters...but trying to rank my own shortcomings in terms of how another feels seems ...perverse.
while i can still remember - about my dream. i was working in a chemistry lab and i had to fly to see some people i knew. the airport screened for radiation and i was the only one who kept setting off the radiation detector, but they eventually just let me through (a la The Only One where the main character cries and begs until she gets her way). we got into the air fine, but the plane started to come down, so we made an emergency landing, but somehow it worked out in my favor and the next thing i knew i was at faubion, my elementary school, with all of my colleagues from millsaps and some elementary school friends, though they were all grown up. we kept doing our research, which was very reminisicient of the research i had done with kramer freshman year, and then someone realized that i had been the victim of radiation poisoning, so they told me to run to the nurse right away - it was my only chance. i sprinted through the halls of my childhood, once so familiar, and finally found the office, only to see that i was only jim chow filling in and there wasn't anything he could do. my interpretation of this dream? even if i had continued on with my original plan and had pursued chemistry, which would have led me everywhere (or anywhere) but where i am right now, i still would have been the victim of the same over-arching result, just by different means. even when i tried to run away, i ended up right where my consciousness emerged, back at faubion...trying to work my way through my current problems, out of context, helpless. way to fuck with my mind, subconscious, way to go. the whole dual radiation meaning...touche. i can't believe i'm still in such good spirits today after all that, and all things considered. maybe it is just because i am headed straight into something exciting, something i desperately want, instead of trying to assimilate into some kind of unattainable social circle like was happening here in copenhagen. well, all i can hope is that this glimmer of happiness continues to flourish and at least sustain itself, and me, enough to get me through the rest of this trip, back into the comforting arms of complacency and familiarity in the south. it is becoming increasingly difficult to write on just my lap in this moving train, so signing off...b.
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