Amsterdam
i've only been on the ground a few hours and my heart is already about to explode from the anxiety. i got to the airport yesterday with no traffic, no lines, and plenty of time to kill before my flight to newark. once i left dc everything started to feel more inevitable, tens of thousands of feet above the land which theoretically could keep me grounded in reality. i guess i was really leaving the country fter all. every passing minute was one moment further away from my life in cedar park, the states, everything that i know. i had a few hours to kill in newark, almost five in fact, so what is more american than beer and mexican food in the airport at noon? two ridiculously overpriced pints later and i'm already a little buzzed. a few days of not smoking or drinking really messes up my tolerance, especially after those few nights with sara.
i talked to april on the phone for about an hour and a half when all was said and done, and i'm really glad. conversation is never a struggle with her and she isn't nearly as selfish as the handful of other people i consider my best friends. she helped calm my nerves, but by the time the flight started boarding and i heard the last familiar voice, my father aside, that i would hear for the next month...my stomach dropped. the plane was much smaller than any i had been on for an international flight before, and it wasn't even full, so i got to move and have a row to myself. i watched part of jurassic park, read past page 300 of the time traveler's wife, then saw that the couple in front of me was watching duplicity, which i had somehow missed on the list (sixty long) of movies that were available. it was actually really enjoyable, and before i knew it, i only had three hours left until i landed and i still hadn't slept at all. i fell asleep listening to silver sun pickups' swoon, which i hadn't heard before and i absolutely adored. i woke up when the cabin lights came on, had breakfast, and listened to the kings of leon, which i hate to admit that i really, really liked. before i knew it, i was on the ground and i couldn't help but feel like i was disconnected from the motions my body was apparently going through without my consciousness.
was i really about to spend a month by myself in europe? it didn't feel real, but at the same time this trip feels like it has been a force unto itself from the onset....it was always an inevitable, though unpredictable and unplanned result. something not in my present but really in my past, already decided, or in my future, already predetermined, depending on which way you want to look at it. got off the plane and it was the same tired routine just like any other flight. lines, ids, security, worry that your bag may not show up, atm and money issues...the same scene i've played out a million other times, solo or not. then onto a train, a tram, and a few blocks on foot away from my destination. if i ever really have destination anyhwere. a few wrong turns, extra steps, and a few map references, then i'm at the doorstep of my hostel.
oh wait, it is only 8:30 in the morning. wait, 7:30. i don't even know what time it is right now. the hostel isn't even open yet. shit. back to the canal, find a coffee shop that looks like it is on the verge of being open, i step in, find the aren't open yet but will open in twenty for me. sit down on a bench by the canal and i start to write. coffeeshop opens, i come inside, smoke for free and continue up to this moment, this present self-perpetuating experience.
shaky hands, blinking eyes, and a strong desire to lie down are kind of diluting the moment. my heart is still about to pound out of my chest. i don't like this. also, this guy who works here is nice...but at the same time he kind of unnerves me and creeps me out. i just don't get a good vibe and i don't like it. i don't know if i will come back here or not. i went back to the hostel, now open, and dropped of my pack - finally! sitting with it on the train, the tram, at the coffeeshop. it is really inconvenient more than anything else, because it is almost as if i have another person there with me after all. i'm sitting in the park between the rijksmuseum and the van gogh museum and it is way, way colder than i imagined. . . i'm actually shivering sitting outside now.
now that i'm sitting here i am starting to realize how glad i am that i brought two pairs of jeans and at least a cardigan or two. i almost said to hell with them when i was in DC and send some of my warmer clothes back to texas, but it's really good that i didn't. off to the van gogh museum!
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