i should be doing my roman legacy reading, but i'm going to update instead. i am kind of sick at the moment, so my energy is proportional to how ill i am feeling at the moment.

i am becoming increasingly overwhelmed, and now only slightly discouraged. i start every morning with a cup of coffee and breakfast and at least thirty minutes with a book unrelated to my studies. every day, stepping out of my cube, ray bans on, precariously trying to balance my thermos, wristlet, zen and headphones without making a fool of myself, i turn on cell phone. then mae starts by the time i am between the christian center and murrah, then band of horses by the time i enter the caf, when i turn off my zen and grab something to eat - inevitably an omelette and whatever fruit looks most appealing that morning.

i leave the caf, pick up my newspapers, put my sunglasses back on, and turn on spinning. now i am moving with a purpose. these two songs are defining this semester, and i wish i could tell him how these two little segments of three minutes give me the courage to face each day. it doesn't matter how late i stayed up the night before studying, or how upset i was at someone the moment i fell asleep, because as soon as the opening bars slip into my consciousness, my focus is turned toward their beauty.

i am kind of in a weird place with my blog right now. my life is finally inundated with all of this new information that is ready to overflow and spill from my mind, but it is strange knowing who my audience is. it is nice to know that people read, and i want people to read, but i wish i could walk the fine line between knowing that all my words aren't disappearing into the abyss of the internet and knowing where that knowledge is ending up. i feel like i have to edit my emotions and my reflections here since i know who will be reading and considering these words. i can't be as direct or as blunt as i would like, but if i leave everything in the midst of ambiguity, then some people might get upset. i don't know. i guess i will be blunt. honesty is usually the best policy.

i have chapter in an hour. i am a little afraid, but also kind of excited. well, not about the pin attire thing. i have a feeling i'm going to be falling back on the trusty print dress, cardigan, flats situation again and again. maybe i'll wear heels. today would probably be a good day to wear heels, but i dread the walk to the caf and to the house. i am too short to live in flats, though.

i am officially going to italy this summer. france is about seventy five percent certain. greece, for a few days, is probably about sixty percent certain. the uk falls somewhere between fifty and sixty percent likelihood in my mind. i need to start researching these things, i think.

i had my first two experiences of really being thrown to the wolves again in the last thirty six hours. first, i had my interview to try and earn back my position as a RA yesterday afternoon, and i was really nervous. i always feel like i am in an interrogation room walking into an interview - all cinematic, too. in my mind, even though i know it is irrational, i almost picture the lights out except for a dim spotlight over my head and the interviewers sitting in the shadow, jumping out at my at inopportune times. i don't ever feel prepared, hence the anxiety. it is absurd how far my mind warps things out of context and how irrational some of my fears are. today, i had a quiz in archaeology. i have no background in anthropology, so i wasn't really sure what to expect, but i think i did okay. at least i know what to expect next time.

in terms of romance and relationships, i need to be alone. i don't want to be alone forever, and it is nice to know that i have options, or an option, which is encouraging, but i am not ready to be with anyone. well, if that person can take care of me, i could let someone in. but this person can't be broken, they can't be like me. our shared common ground needs to be over positive things and progressive ideas, not history steeped in heartbreak and disappointment. if someone comes into my life and is able to help put me back together, then i can toy with the idea. for now, however, i need to pick up each little fragment, contemplate what caused the fissure in the first place, and begin to move forward. i would love help, but this is a gradual process, and there is no way for me to jump into anything half-constructed anymore. every time i have been intimately connected with someone in the past eighteen months it has chipped away my self esteem and eroded my confidence to the point i am afraid to face everyone, intimately relationship or otherwise. i would rather sit here in my room with the dull hum of construction in the background than here the buzzing of conversation around me in the cafeteria.

i don't know if i should be flattered by you, or put off. i am glad that you enjoy my thoughts, but is that because they are actually something that you qualify as relevant, or something that you identify with? i don't know. i'm glad you have had the chance, and cared enough, to look into my mind, but i don't know if i should be turned off or encouraged by this. you are very persistent, you are right - desperate was the wrong word , but i think it is too much. i don't have enough time for me, nonetheless for someone else. i don't want to hurt you, and i realize that i have already been inconceivably unfair to you, but that was why i had to leave. you are great, and there are moments when you make me feel great...and moments when you make me feel horrible. i am not ready for either one right now.

today, my junior seminar class met for the first time. i felt like i had been on the cusp of some change or shift in direction, maybe just a divergence in my path, i don't know. i think it manifested itself today, unintentionally and in a cliche and horribly synchronous manner. i have always had this strange desire and urge to help people in their education. you don't know how to use photoshop? oh, let me show you! you need help with greek?

ah, hate to stop there, but i will have to continue later.