i can't sleep. i just finished the devil wears prada, which was a nice, fun book to read. sometimes it is nice to enjoy a book that basically reads itself. nothing insightful to pull from it, but hey - maybe that is for the best.
so, i just burned through the last fifty pages despite telling chris i was going to sleep, and now i am stuck with nothing to do. no excuse for me to put up blogging, i suppose. the rain is still falling outside, not in a steady downpour or a light trickle, but a deliberately intermittent pattern against my window. it will fall silent for a moment, only to come back again just at the moment i thought it was gone. i like the consistency of rain fall, the cleansing, but for some reason it is coming in waves tonight. maybe it is fitting, since my happiness and despair are ebbing in equal waves tonight.
today was completely free, with the exception of a doctor's appointment this morning. nothing too serious, and i cancelled my echo i was supposed to have tomorrow despite my doctor's plea. i think it is unneccesary, and anything that it would reveal would simply be a deep-rooted, untreatable or horribly pessimistic illness if it were anything at all. i'll come back when there is more proof or something more substantial to believe...maybe things are fine, but, if they aren't i would just rather not know.
i feel really distant. on days like today, with no structure, i feel myself slipping further into my own mind which creates one of two opposing, all-encompassing feelings - either a completely euphoric sense of happiness and being, or a blindingly, sick-to-my-stomach fear or despair. today, it is both. my happiness is lined with defeat and failure and a bit of disappointment, but my utter unhappiness is lined with a sense of hope. they can't quite exist in equilibrium because the pull is to strong from either pole, but hopefully i will find that center soon enough.
i think i'm going to try and start another book. maybe that will help prevent my mind from racing.
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