going nowhere, at full speed

and i have traveled far
i've seen things that i'd rather not say
when you're traveling, it's better that way
the darker the secret, the harder you'll keep it
but it's no victory always running away like i do

dear you,

i can't do this. i've told you a dozen times, but this time i'm going to be definitive. i can't be with you. i can't live with myself, and i have no idea where my mind will be even fifteen minutes from now, and i can't let anyone in. i'm trying, and i'm failing. i know this is going to hurt you, but i have to do it now. i can't lead you on. i will not lead you on. i am not capable of being with anyone. hell, i'll even throw in the good ol' standby - it's not you, it's me. it really is. i can't even imagine someone treating me as well as you have, but you are already in so deep and i'm way too hesitant about anyone, everyone, everything. i'm not great, and i've tried to tell you that...and this is why i was persistant. this was coming, as much as you wanted it not to and tried to quiet me into submission. i don't know what kind of masochistic tendencies you must have to have even dealt with me already, but i can't let it go on - it will hurt you and me. i don't know if we can just be friends. i know that you are going to always want to be more than that. unfortunately, this note doesn't have a nice little definitive ending. no neat bow to tie it all up together into a pristine little package. i fucked up. i'm fucked up. i can't.

-me