i can't forget. . .and i figured it out, girl

this is from last thursday, but i never finished it - so it is getting bumped up to a new entry.

i set my alarm for 7:30, 7:45 and 8:00 this morning, and despite my best efforts to go to sleep early, i still silence, snoozed, and slept my way through them all. a lazy afternoon started by the office and a handful of episodes of weeds. my mom doesn't really find that show that entertaining and awkwardly sits through all the sex and language, which she is not so fond of.

eventually, i finally got around to unpacking my things and going through old boxes and i found a lot of things that really toyed with my emotions. one of the first boxes i opened had my travel journal from greece sitting on top of a lot of my old textbooks. those few weeks were some of the hardest and most rewarding of my life. in retrospect, this was when i was first falling ill again, which was taking an unknown and unidentifiable (at the time) toll on my thoughts, energy, and body. also, this trip - the day we were going to delphi, the place i was anticipating most as it would be - marked the death of a friend. not a best friend, but a great friend. one of my first on campus, and one of the few who ever appreciated everyone around him without any of the taint or filter that many of us view those around us.

so many memories came rushing back with this simple journal reappearing in my life, even without opening it's cover. recycled thoughts on reused paper, littered with hopes, dreams, awe, fear, and overwhelmed senses.

also, i found a lot of old photos. more than the photos, the frames really had an impact on me. pictures are rotated, but these little, decorated frames that i had covered in lyrics, letters, and laughter really made me long for the days when i could simply quote a pop song and feel more in line with it's joy than the sad lines of a ballad or hidden meaning under a happy facade, like most of the music i enjoy now. everything is filled with meaning and my life and sorrow has deepened even further than i could have ever imagined - though i was already sinking fast at the time. my feet, the only thing grounding me to reality, were already sinking into the quicksand of inevitability, and it is hard to imagine ever making it out alive. i could fight, and i have - with drinking and smoking as my weapons and tools of choice - but it only makes me sink faster, without realizing how far i have digressed. now, i just sit and wait. sinking. maybe i will make it out alive, or make i will suffocate.

now, a week later, i am considering visiting italy and i feel like it has come full circle, in a sense. maybe i will be ready to take a trip with more cognizance, more awareness, and a bit less struggle.