visingsö
so, my health is starting to weight on me more and more. i know it isn't good to dwell and i haven't really been fixated on it lately, partly because of my more imminent issues with my finger. i can't help but let it slowly slip back in my consciousness. maybe it is the bleak weather, the long days with nothing to do but face my own thoughts, but the fear is slowly seeping back in. i didn't receive my latest test results before i left, but the last thing that i want to see when i turn my phone back on is a voicemail telling me that i have to come back for the next battery of tests. i already postponed surgery in january, so this is really all dramatic tension leading up to the inevitable. i just don't really care about this anymore - i'm never going to be healthy. i wish i could live a normal life, have my carefree twenties but i guess that is luxury that i won't be afforded. i don't think about the ramifications as much as before, what the future holds or more importantly, what futures aren't even possible. oh well, not the kind of thing i should be thinking about as i wait to load into the car and head out into the field. now it is time to face the bleakness of the landscape instead of the dull gray of the uncertain future.
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hans went into the forest with tom, gisela, and katie, while mike went back to the tage karlsson fields with myself and tina. i thought it was going to be a long day of high winds, but the winds kept shifting and started to bring in rain from the impending clouds. the wind would shift, then back again and we were able to prolong the inevitable return to the car. headed back around 11:45 and hung out at the big house, waiting for the other team to arrive. i didn't want to go back to the cottage because the details were a bit fuzzy about what the rest of the day would hold. had a veggie burger - i don't think i have ever eaten veggie burgers this frequently in my life. at ten til one, we found out that we should have already left to go meet up with a GPR specialist who was visiting from the jönköping museum. drove down to the harbor and followed he and klaus to the russian graveyard. klaus and his family joined - they are bit odd. they went around picking up frogs and mushrooms, but they did afford me at least one funny photo in the process.
apparently, russian and polish prisoners of war were held on the island at the brahe castle by the harbor and then buried at this graveyard in the forest and now the russian government wants to know how many russians died. last year was some kind of anniversary and the russian government came in and symbolifcally covered the graves with soil from "the motherland" and now they want some kind of scientific proof of the history and extent of those who were held and died on the island. after the graveyard, they brought to the gpr to the st. laurenti chapel to see if the structure extends beyond the excavated chapel and if any graves are in the vicinity. after that, tome drove us to the brahekyrkan - a gaudy, baroque church, complete with the brahe crest on the outside of the church and a family tree inside. nothing like trying to buy your salvation, huh?
i was intrigued by the strange bell tower, so mike and i walked across the cemetery to see it while we waited for katie to emerge from the 'beauty' of the brahe church. i am becoming increasingly intrigued by the scandanavian variations of latin - i'll have to find that article i saw on jstor to learn a few of the differences.
after the church, we headed down to the castle near the harbor and explored, though the wind and near constant mist made it not as pleasant as i would have liked.
headed back around three and had a long break before the guys came over for dinner. i finally watched the mad men season premiere and started the first hour or so of inception - so good on both counts. betty is a dreadful human being, but i will be interested to see what the season holds. i didn't have enough time to finish inception, but maybe on monday or a future rain day. made falafel for everyone, traded more movies and music with hans and played half-remembered card games until 11:30. wine, gin, and some whiskey later, i was definitely a little drunk. we finally went upstairs, leaving the door open for jess, but i didn't hear her come in - we were both out cold. her alarm went off at 4:40, which woke me up but at least i knew that she made it in. woke up for good at eight, made eggs and talked with her a little - her short hair really makes me want to cut my hair again! i've come this far, though, so i should just keep growing it out...for now. i'm looking forward to getting bangs when i go home, though. went out into the field with jess, tina, and mike. tina paired me up to teach her how to sample and i was glad to have the chance to teach! it isn't that complicated, but i do love teaching just about anything. she learned really quickly and i'm glad she started on an easy field- hitting subsoil every sample on the first day should definitely be a confidence booster. we talked about how she grew up as a foreign service kid, about our boyfriends, about graduate schools...and then it got a little weird. i expressed confidence and certainty that i would be going even though i hadn't applied yet, and she snapped back, "why are you so sure?" i started to list off bullets from my CV and suddenly i become a braggart as a result of what was probably a defense mechanism or some other kind of impulse reaction. i felt bad and apologized if i came off as aloof, but it kind of unsettled me. split up into two teams after lunch and went with tina back to the far end of the field, while mike and jess went out into the petterson pasture. we talked about working in the music industry and about statements of purpose, ways to present yourself professionally. she found the earlier break in conversation a bit odd, too, but what can you do. i need the confidence, i need to know and make sure everyone knows i'm good enough to do this. tina has confidence in me, which is another little boost. i don't want to go to a place like michigan where i have to be reactionary, always on edge. i want a healthy, slightly competitive environment, not a survival of the fittest, cutthroat free-for-all. after the field, i took a shower, had my regular cheese and crackers, then cleaned up for the gallery talk over at persgarden.
roman ended up talking about 'the beauty in contemporary art,' not just rothko. he had some interesting personal insights about beuys and rothko, but once he turned from the first half of his presentation on the american school to their european contemporaries, including keifer and beuys, it got a bit depressing. we went down to the harbor for dinner after that and tried to invite jess, but she had gone out for a walk. there was an american cover band playing at the pizza place, so we just sat by the harbor listening to out of tune, slurred english coveres, eating margherita pizza and drinking mariastad's. we walked back to the house along the coast, which was beautiful. there is something so enchanting about walking in the woods in perfect silence, an eerie scandanavian dusk looming through the breaks in the canopy you.
we bought ice cream before the walk since it was going to take about an hour - i got knäck and brownie glass (ice cream), both of which were delicious. i'm still not quite sure what knäck is, but i sure did enjoy it. came back and checked my e-mail - the contact is coming slower and slower now and it has been about a week since i talked to my family for more than a few minutes. i feel a little bad that i missed ian's birthday but was there fore chris', but at least i got in touch with him briefly. talked to billy for about ten minutes, but i was falling asleep with my eyes open so i called it a night. i'm glad to have had something do outside of the house for a change, but it sure did do a number on my energy level. i'll be glad to have jess stick around in the house - it is a little bit more crowded, but maybe i will actually manage to have some time on my own. katie doesn't have a lot to do and gets a little bit moppy if i'm doing things on my own when she is bored, so maybe having someone else to talk to will enable me to take advantage of more introspective time.
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