on panic

i'm sitting here, hands shaking, eyes hazy. i lost my job today, over a stupid silly fuck up on my part. i love how my fuck ups are becoming more discernible and more concrete. i have my car keys next to my phone and i'm about to go missing for a while. don't expect my phone to be on for the rest of the day, and don't expect to hear from me - anyone. i have a paper to do, which won't be done. i have other obligations, but i don't care. i don't know if i want to come back.

looking in the mirror, pulling my hair back - half-straight, serving as a reminder of how i looked last night. at least i had one last night of seeming put together, even if it was all a facade. the make up still lines my face in places, accentuating all the wrong features. there is no eyeliner or mascara running down my face, but there is a heaviness around my eyes that i know is the remnants of what i recently washed away.

as the title says, i'm panicking. i don't have anyone to turn to, and sam is feeling cold. when i try to reach out, i can't. so, i'm like any other depressed person, sinking further into myself again. maybe the music will take some of the pain away - or else it will serve as a reminder of what used to suffice. distraught, desperate, desolate. every day is leading towards a moment, and maybe this is what those moments have been propelling toward headlong.

i'm sending him the letter, maybe this will be the last chance i get. he deserves to know.

no bonnaroo, no job, less time in greece, one of the two classes i needed to take this summer is cancelled, and broke. half of a hangover still lingering in my stomach - or maybe that is just the reality settling in.