relax, relapse again

so, i've made a bargain. i get to go to this concert if i get help. here's the rub - if i get help, they are just going to turn me into a zombie again. when i'm medicated for my depression, i can't read greek. sometimes i can fudge my way through latin at a beginner's pace. i can't do crosswords. i can't get out of bed in the morning. i throw up everything i eat, but somehow manage to gain weight in the process. so either, i get help and drop out of school, thus inciting a greater wave of depression, or i don't get help and suffer my way through school wishing i hadn't fucked everything up.

i don't know how i got here again. i hated myself for birmingham, but at least there was intent in that occurrence. i didn't even want it. it just snowballed, and happened and i fell asleep before i could stop my friends from sounding the alarm. with the exception of a quarter of an adderal that i had been given earlier in the night, everything i had taken was prescribed to me, and only the klonopin in excessive doses. and those excessive doses used to be my prescribed doses three times daily. i fell asleep watching my favorite movie - fantastic mr. fox - and only made it through fifteen minutes before i fell asleep. no phone calls in those fifteen minutes. it was afterward that the texts, calls, the worry piled up.

i didn't want to call billy. i called glen a couple of times, hoping that talking to him would defuse the situation. no answer. it was approaching 2 in the morning and i couldn't think of anyone else who would be awake. billy it was. once i heard his voice though, i panicked. i still hold on to this childish idea that nothing has really changed and the moment i hear his voice, i know that is not the case. the alcohol was the catalyst and the rest was out of my hands. maybe it was just a cry for attention, but it was really more of an accident. now i feel more desperate than yesterday. but i'm not going to do anything about that. i want to break this cycle, but the only thing that was keeping my head above was him. he was the voice of reason that could break through my downward spirals, but now i'm just a sad girl. a sad girl who wants to be smart but can never compare to her peers, a girl who wants people to care but who doesn't have anyone in the world. this is my life, and i don't know how to live with it.

swim.